I'm not a global world trotter, so at first I thought it was normal. Go on an amazing vacation, dream about it for weeks/months after. Seems normal.
Except, it turns out, it isn't. The more people I talked to that went on trips to amazing places had a great time, wished they could go back, but not in the same miss-it-so-much-i-might-cry way I do.
I started to wonder why it was different for me. What is it about me or about Thailand that has grasped me in such a way that the country is never far from my thoughts?
A few months ago, I had this tiny feeling that maybe a missions trip might be in order. Maybe that's what my heart is feeling. A tug to serve? Shortly after I put a prayer request in ink in my mother's bible study at our old church (I still go for bible study. I love those ladies and couldn't leave all together.) Two weeks after that, our church had two back-to-back messages on missions. On how our pastor felt like it was a vision to send one family for short term missions (3 months to a year) from each missional community (small group) completely funded BY our missional community in the next 2-4 years. The entire service, I was thinking- that may be us. It could be us. I want it to be us.
I wrote down my gut feelings in my prayer journal, and continued to pray about it. Then, a few days later, a lovely friend in our small group tugged me aside and said, "when I was listening to the message on Sunday, I felt like our group would send you. I've never seen someone so moved by a vacation to a country like you."
But... how? When? HOW?
My husband is feeling zero calling to do this right now. ME? I could go tomorrow (isn't that the way it always works?? ) I have no idea on logistics of any of this. Now is really not the best time to go to Thailand, but that doesn't mean we won't. It also doesn't mean that it isn't 5 years from now. Or, maybe, this preparation of my heart is strictly to lead me to something else. Maybe it isn't even to go to Thailand or another country, but to soften my heart to missions in general?
It reminds me of a friend who was quickly building an addition to their house so they can foster larger sibling groups. They thought they were preparing for a specific sibling set that needed to be placed quickly. So, they got it done! They didn't end up getting the siblings they thought they would, but instead got a sweet little girl that desperately needs their home as a safe place. Their preparation was not for what they thought, but the preparation was not in vain.
Maybe this is my addition. Maybe its just a tugging on my heart to get me to lean my ear in, to listen more carefully to God's heart for his children. But, honestly, part of me hopes it involves Thailand.