Our rainbow birthday boy

Its hard to believe that this sweet boy is 4 today.

Of course, with his birthday, I'm always reminded of what took place before he was born.  It, as always, makes my heart, and arms, ache for our lost babies.  Aching for them, while also rejoicing in the birth and life of our son.   Not that all of my kids' birthdays aren't special, because they are.  But, his birthday...its just a tiny bit more amazing.  All the heart ache, loss, grief, anxiety, fear, hope, and prayers that came before this child.  (Even during his birth.)  It makes the remembrance of the moment we met him that much sweeter.

Look how much he's grown.  He's such a character.  Independent, opinionated, funny, and sweet.  He loves legos, batman (still!) and his Chillo  .  Looks like his daddy, who shares his birthday.  

Happy birthday, little man.  We love you. 

 

Thailand, half marathons, doula stuff

Well, I'm officially "out there" as a doula. I ordered a shirt and everything.  I've had an average of a birth a month, (2 in may!) and I've been going on more interviews.  The awesome thing, right now, is that I can pretty much work with most of the people who want to hire me.  I haven't had to turn someone down due to over scheduling, yet.  (although, I did turn someone down for a home birth.  Which, just killed me.  I just can't do it while midwife assisted births are still illegal in Alabama.  Once that's legal, I'm all over it!)

I'm super excited because my next client who is due is attempting a VBAC!  VBACs are especially dear to me because of my own VBAC experiences with my 3 youngest.  Its not that every vaginal birth isn't special, its just that there's this amazing realization for a VBAC mom when she has her first (and second and third) baby vaginally that she's not "broken".



So, speaking of doula stuff, I have to already start thinking about how close to our Thailand trip I'll take clients.  (Did you know E and I are going to Thailand??  For our 10th anniversary trip, even though it'll be close to 11 years.)  We've started looking at hotels and are likely going in February.  One of my dear friends is pregnant and due in the beginning.  She hasn't asked me to be her doula, nor do I expect her to, but I want to make sure we're around if she needs anything from us.

There's this super long list of things I'd like to do before we go to Thailand.  Thankfully, "lose weight" isn't on my list this year, (I hit 1 year as a life time member of Weight Watchers this week.) But, odder things made the list.  Things that likely won't happen, but its a dream list.  Here it is:

1. Get Lasik.  I was going to get it done last year, but was hesitant to do it while I was still nursing Eliza.  I'm still nursing her now, but will likely stop some time around age 2.  Or will be down enough to go ahead with the surgery.  I keep thinking about how nice it would be to not have to deal with contacts, cases, solution on a 40 hr trip over there and back.  Plus, you know, not having to worry about salt water in my contact in the ocean.

2.  Buy a super hot, non-momish, bathing suit that covers my stretch marked stomach. (Unless we some how hit the lotto and I get a tummy tuck and breast lift.)

3. Get a bikini wax.  I've heard the more times you go, the longer it stays away and it hurts less.  Not sure if I buy that, but I'm thinking about giving it a go.

4. Have bunion surgery.  See.  I told you it was a weird list. My bunion on my right foot has been hurting.  It goes through spurts of hurting/not hurting.  Its on a hurting spurt now.  It hurts most after I run or walk long distances. Obviously, we'll likely be doing some walking on our trip.  I'd love to be pain free.



Running.  Yeah.  I just put it out to the world via instagram that I'm planning on running a half marathon in the fall.  I started training yesterday.  I know.  Its crazy.  I am not a runner.  Or, that's what I always thought.  If my life was a newspaper, this story would read "girl who passed out at track meet and quit attempts to run a half marathon at age 31."

After training for my 10k, and not dying, or even feeling the need to die, I started to believe in myself a little.  Maybe I am a runner.  If I can run 6.2 miles with out much struggle, maybe I can run  8.  Or 10. Maybe I can run 13.1.  If I can't, at least I can say I tried, right?

Birth Ball Cover tutorial

I won't go into a lengthy introduction here.  This tutorial has a very specific audience.  I get that.  But, I know there's a need for this out there.  When I was looking to make one for the birth ball I carry to births, I could only find pictures of covers or very simplistic instructions (ex, "1 yard of fabric to make a birth ball cover", with no details beyond that.)  I bought myself some super cheap, and highly discounted, fabric to play around with and here's what I came up with.

Supplies:

Scissors

Sewing Machine or needle and thread

Coordinating thread

1 yard of stretchy fabric (I used jersey knit)

elastic cut to a little less than the circumference of your ball (the width of the elastic itself is determined to your preference.  I did one cover with 1/4" and one with 1/8" elastic)

1. Wash and dry your fabric

2. Fold your fabric horizontally, like a hamburger (versus a hot dog  Not sure where I got those analogies) with the right sides of the fabric facing each other.

3. Sew each of the sides shut with a straight stitch.

4. If you desire, go back over each seam and do a quick zig zag stitch. 

5. You now have a large "pillow case".  It should look like the picture below. 

6. Take your elastic and use it to measure around the widest part of your ball.  Really stretch it here. It just barely has to fit over this part of the ball for the cover. 

7. Create a casing for your elastic. Fold the fabric 3/4", so the wrong sides are facing each other (the cover is still inside out at this point) and sew all the way around, making sure to leave a small section open to insert your safety pin and elastic. (If you're using anything but a jersey knit fabric, you may have to fold over a 1/4" first, then fold over 1/2" to create a clean edge then sew your casing.  Jersey knit doesn't fray.)

8. Insert your elastic (not pictured).  I take a safety pin, attach it to my elastic, and thread it through the tube I created.  When its all the way in, sew the elastic together, snip any left over threads,  and stitch the opening closed.

9. Turn your cover right side out and shimmy it over the ball.  It should look like this: 

See why we wanted the elastic tight?

10. With the elastic part of the cover on the floor, find your side seams.  Pick them up at the "corners". (Sorry about the blurry.  Its hard to get a birth ball to hang perfectly still.)

11. Overlap the corners, pin, and sew on both sides of the pin.

12. You're done!  Hurrah!

right now

I'm in my pajamas.
Its 9:16.  Its a little late for jammies, but I'm calling it a "jammy day", at least for now.
Making small piles for our trip to Michigan.
I'm writing a to-do list on a piece of paper that has a rhino on it holding a balloon.  It adds character.
I'm freaking a little anxious about the timing of my next client's birth. E is going to be going out of town a lot the next few weeks.  You know, during her 38-40 weeks, of course.
Adding "find back up child care" to my rhino list.
Scouring pinterest for ideas for road trips.
Drinking coffee that's a touch too cold.
Wondering if its too late for breakfast.
Maybe I'll just have a brunch.
Listening to Eliza play in her room and talk to her babies via the monitor.
Almost dying from the cute.
Have a heating pad wrapped around my middle.
Certain that sometimes I hate being a woman.
Contemplating an ablation or hysterectomy when we're *sure we're finished having babies (*which is how, by the way?!?)

providential good fortune

I went to a small Christian school for my high school years.  We had this really neat guy for our bible teacher.  He was very thought provoking, to the point where it was sometimes frustrating. (at the time, though, I always thought he was argumentative.  Now, I see he was trying to get us to explore our own belief system and not the belief system of our parents.)

Anyway, one of his big beefs was with the word "luck" and how often we use it.  He preferred  instead, to use the term "providential good fortune!"  Meaning the care of God in your life, resulting in something good. 

At the time, I sort of thought it was silly.   All caught up in semantics.  If what I intend doesn't change with the words I use, what difference does it make? 

This past week, I some how stumbled upon a website called doula match.  Its a website that matches up local doulas with clients.  Its free, though they ask for donations.  I usually am pretty skeptical of things like that.  But this time I thought "meh.  why not?  I doubt I'll get any calls from this, but I'll put it out there."

I had my information on for all of two days before I got my first response.  An email from some one looking for a doula for her hopeful VBAC in June (um, score!  This is totally one of my passions!) With in a few days, I also received a phone call from another woman interested in my services, who was referred to me by Glenni, who runs A Nurturing Moment (a baby/maternity boutique here in town.) and the blog where I posted on MSPI.   The same day, I was contacted by another woman who found me on Doula Match.

This weekend I met with two of the three women, and I felt like we really hit it off.  I'm hoping they thought so, too, and I can get this doula train a going. ;)

 I can see the hand of God guiding me where he wants me to be.  I don't know if I'll be a doula for years and years, but, right now, I am certain this is what I'm supposed to do now.  Its a pretty freeing feeling.  I'd say I was feeling lucky, but I am really feeling providential good fortune. 

A year

Its amazing how quickly a year can go by.  (It always seems so much faster when the kids are really little.  Maybe because they change so much in a year?)

 

 

From this:

 

 

To this:

 

Inside, night time pictures are never good.  I'm glad I got a few earlier in the day.

Guys, this girl.  She melts me heart.

"un"

me:

unhealthy (cold, then tummy bug)
unproductive (see above)
unmotivated (ditto)
unathletic (again, with the above. but, possibly not a word. lol)
uninspired
unclean (mainly because of all of vomit in our house right now)
under weight (okay, maybe not under weight.  but, being sick does have SOME advantages.)
unorganized
undereducated
unprepared


but also:

happy
content
blessed

Its amazing how 3 things can outweigh the lengthy "un" list.

Isaac is TWO!

Isaac,

I am writing this the day before your second birthday.  Today reminded me so much of the same day two years ago.  The weather was so similar, (warm, breezy, sunny) and as we all took a walk, I couldn't help but remember the walk I took when that day when I was in labor with you.  I talked with you on that day, telling you to come out and join us.

I can remember your birth so vividly (sometimes more than I can even Eliza's birth. Maybe because your birth was so long.)  Its hard to believe that 24 months have gone by since that amazing day.  Not only do you get cuter every day, you've done a lot of other amazing things in one year!

in the last year you have:

• started and graduated speech therapy.  You went from "babbling" at 15 months, to being well above where you needed to be with the amount of words at 20 months. My favorite part of this?  You learned how to say "mommy" and "I love you." Swoon.
• you weaned. It was quite sad for me, as your mommy.  I had hoped to continue our nursing relationship until you were at least two.  However, when I was 6 months pregnant with your baby sister, there just wasn't enough milk for your liking.
• stared "school".  You love mother's morning out, (and so do I!) and your teachers dote on you. 
• became a big brother!  I can't believe how well you've done with your new role.  I expected some jealousy, maybe even some acting out towards Eliza.  However, you've been super!  You are a big helper to me, and love to "hold her.  Hold E-wi-wi, mommy."
•  started throwing tantrums.  Its to be expected.  You ARE two, after all.
• gained 6 pounds!  Woah!  You weighed 18lbs at a year, and you weigh 24 lbs now.  Way to grow, buddy!
• you had tubes.  These were a life saver in a turbulent ocean.  Seriously.  I think you'd write your ENT a long thank you letter if you could , you know, write and stuff.
• lost some of that baby look. :(  Mainly because of all of the teeth you have now!
• moved into a big boy bed.  You went straight from the crib into sharing a room with A in a bunk bed.  Its rough at times, especially since you get up so early, but you love being close to Bubba.
• Learned all of your animal sounds.  Your favorite: the elephant.
• Stopped screaming in the car.  this was a welcomed accomplishment by all who ride with us.

You've had an amazing year.  I'm so glad that God gave us you, Zeke.  Happy birthday!
Love,
Mommy

p.s. here's your birthday video. :)

and, if you want to see last year's birthday video, its here.

Two years ago

Two Years Ago

One of Isaac's besties was born to my closest friend.

  this is how *I* looked.  Very pregnant.



this is what Isaac looked like.  Well, part of him, at least.

Little E's birth story- an outside perspective

I asked my friend, D, who was at Eliza's birth, to write a birth story for me.  One, because it's sometimes tricky to really remember things correctly in your own birthing mind.  Pain tends to blur the boundaries of time.  3 minutes seem like 30.  It's neat, and special, to have another view of Eliza's birth to post here, and to put in her scrapbook to read when she's older.

I may interject with my own personal thoughts through out her narrative.  Maybe throw in some pictures, too. :)  I hope you don't mind, D.


There's something really special about watching a new person join the world. I was lucky enough to have T at my birth with C and part of my labor with Miss L and she was kind enough to let me join her and E for her labor & delivery with Miss E.

I can't say that I wasn't nervous, because although T is my closest friend, I've never actually seen a birth before. Also, I have absolutely no experience helping people (besides myself) through having a baby!! I was hoping I would end up being some help, or at least a distraction. (in a good way!) I knew that at the very least, I could take some pictures!

Poor T had contractions for days (not even exaggerating!) and when she texted me that night that she was going to the hospital to be checked, I had a feeling that she would be staying. I got dressed (yes, I was in my pajamas) and waited to hear from her. When she texted again she said she was about a 7-8 and was staying. I think that was about 8:30 PM and I was ready to go! I got to the hospital around 9, maybe a little later... I really can't remember. (you have a good memory, D!  I just checked my texts and you asked for my room number at 9:10)

T had had her water broken by the time I got there and the contractions were painful. We chatted a bit, and she was doing great breathing through the contractions. We talked about names, I think, but I still didn't know what they were going to choose. In my head, I thought they would pick the name Amelia so it was a lovely surprise when I heard her real name!

Then, transition hit. How do I know? Because T said she couldn't breathe and was going to die. I know that feeling and you really think that you will die.  (T here again. Seriously.  There's no way to explain it to someone else.  You just have to experience it to know that you really think you might die.)  I have to say that T's husband E did an excellent job of coaching her. There were a couple of times during the night that E turned very pale, but he sipped some soda and seemed to recover just fine. He tried to make sure that getting an epidural was what she really wanted, and I tried to mostly stay out of the way. I know from my own experience that when I felt like dying I really didn't care about a drug free birth, or my husband, who else was in the room or anything but making the pain stop or getting the baby out. NOW.

At this point I felt like I was mostly just getting in the way. (You weren't!) I couldn't think of one good thing to say or do that would actually be helpful so I erred on the side of trying not to annoy anyone. Now I know how my husband must have felt when I was in transition!

I'm sure it felt like an eternity, but from the time the nurse (who was very good, by the way) went to get the anesthesiologist and the time he got there, it could not have been more than 10 minutes. He was very friendly, and thankfully for T, very fast. I tried not to watch the epidural all that much, because I saw the needle and it looked... really big.

My curiosity got the best of me and I did watch a little. It was interesting, being on the other side of it and just getting to watch. It was at this point that I was pretty glad I wouldn't be having any more babies!

I simply cannot recall what time it was when T got the epidural, but it was definitely at some point after 10 PM. Maybe 10:30? I'm sure T remembers better because that was probably when she realized she wasn't going to die after all. I could tell instantly when the medicine hit her. She could breathe again and open her eyes and the contractions were bearable, although still obviously painful.

It wasn't that much later that T said Miss E was coming. At this point I was really trying to stay out of the nurses and doctor's way (There are a lot of people in there during a delivery. A fact I never noticed nor cared about when I was on the delivering end.) and have my camera ready. Some of my favorite pictures are those that T took for me during C's birth, and I wanted to get some for her.
I remember at some point the doctor said "Don't push!" and T assured them she wasn't. (I wasn't!) It was clear Miss E had taken her sweet time getting to the labor stage, but now she was ready to come out and she wasn't waiting! It seemed like there was basically no pushing and there she was! A sweet, screaming, dark haired little beauty! At this point I changed my mind and I was quite sad that I wouldn't be having any more babies.

It was still before 11PM - 10:53 I think? - when she was born. E cut the cord and they whisked her away to be weighed and measured and cleaned up a bit. (Did I tell you that this is the FIRST child he's ever cut the cord with?  He thought since she was probably our last he should do it once.)She screamed a lot for a newborn; I think she just wanted her mommy. It's amazing to think about meeting a little person that just 9 months ago, didn't even exist. A brand new little miracle!

I think it was while you were taking these pictures, D, that you kept telling me she had hair, but I didn't believe you.

 Birth is a lot of things; painful, messy, uncontrollable, amazing, & miraculous! I feel pretty blessed to have been able to experience it in a new way. Thank you, T & E, for sharing it with me!


Thanks, D, for being such an amazing friend and writing a birth story for me!  I can't imagine anyone better to share the birth of our daughter with! Muah!

Why I'm convinced it's important to wait until 39 weeks

Before I start this post, I want to put a disclaimer.  This is, obviously, just my personal opinion.  I realize that I have very strong feelings in regard to inductions over all.  I also realize that there are medically necessary inductions/Cesarean sections.  Those are not included in my feelings or opinions.  I am strictly referring to planned inductions or c/s based on convenience.  Even then, I'm not saying "don't get induced!" I'm just saying "wait until 39 weeks!"

Ideas in the medical community seem to change rapidly.  Especially when it comes to children/babies/pregnancy.  Put them on their tummies to sleep.  No, wait.  Put them on their backs.  Keep them rear facing until age one.  Now, it's age two.

These changes are important.  They keep our children safe.  For example, we no longer have to worry about our child being thrown through the car window in an accident on the way home from the hospital because we have infant car seats.  We know to buckle them up before we head out and to make sure they are in a 5 point harness until certain age and weight.

Here's a newer recommendation that you may not have heard of, though.  The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recommends that no elective delivery should be performed before the gestational age of 39 weeks. 

The reasoning for the recommendation is for the safety of mother and baby.  studies report rates of 28–35.8% of elective deliveries occurring before 39 weeks and reveal that they also contribute to increased rates of late-preterm births These deliveries are associated with increased neonatal morbidity, neonatal intensive care unit admissions, and associated hospital costs compared to deliveries occurring at 39–40 weeks. (taken from this website.)

In regular people terms, they found it causes more breathing issues and deaths in babies when they are "forced" to come before 39 weeks, (and, again, we're obviously NOT talking about pregnancies with health concerns for momma or baby here.)


This recommendation has even changed since O's birth. I was induced with her at 38 weeks (of course, one could argue that I was 5 cm dilated, 70% effaced, I was contracting, and she was very low. My OB's conclusion was that I may not make it to the hospital in time. Therefore, it would be under the ACOG's list of "okay to induce". But, I still believe her breathing issues stemmed from her c/s and being forced out before she was completely ready.)

Now, my last three children have entered this world on their own timing.  A was 38 weeks, Isaac was 37, and Eliza was 39.  I can tell you, from experience, that Eliza is, by far, more "advanced" at 4 weeks than my other kids.  When I say "advanced" I don't mean that she's talking in full sentences.  I mean that E and I have noticed a marked difference in several things when we compare her to the other kids.

1. How alert she is when she's awake
2. How well and fast she nurses
3. How she's able to hold her head up sooner/more
4. How she cries a lot less
5. How she just "looks" older



Eliza at 2.5 weeks

Now, obviously, these are in no way medical issues that would be a cause for concern in a 37 weeker versus a 39 weeker.  But, I firmly believe that a lot of these things are due to the fact that her brain is more mature.  I mean, if you figure it all out, she's really 2 weeks "older" or "more mature" than Isaac and Olivia were at this same out-of-the-womb-age.  She's had more time for her nervous system to mature.

So, there you have it.  My soap box post for the month.  Let your babies pick their own birthday if you can.  If not, wait until they are 39 weeks before you induce.  Their little baby brains will thank you.

A birth story

Where do I begin the story of Eliza's birth?  The Thursday before, when I went to the hospital with contractions then got sent home later when they stopped?  Probably not, but E tells me I can "count" all of those painful hours when I tell Eliza about her birth when she's older.

Monday morning, the 17th of October, I had a dr. appointment.  At my appointment, I was 4 cm dilated and 70% effaced.  (which was improvement from Friday morning when I was only 2.5cm.)  Dr. C. thought she'd see me later that evening.

I had contractions all day Monday, and all night Monday night.  When I say all night, I mean ALL. NIGHT. LONG.  They were about every 10 to 15 minutes apart and painful when I was laying down. 

Tuesday rolled around and I was still contracting every 10ish minutes.  More often when I was standing or walking around, and a little less often when I was sitting. 

I actually decided to go to bible study, since I couldn't really do anything at home but sit there and pray little girl came out soon.  Half way through, though, I got very tired and decided to head home early. 

I laid down for a nap when Isaac did, but continued to have contractions.  Still the same strength and no closer together. 

E happened to forget that Tuesday is dance for O, so I took all 3 kids to dance class.  During the class, I took the boys to Walmart to 1. get out of the dance studio, and 2. get some groceries.  While we were there, my contractions started to hurt a little more and a little more.  However, they weren't any closer together.

When we all got home, I was close to tears. (okay, I was IN tears.)  I was so tired from not sleeping and contracting all day.  I decided to call my doula to see if she had any suggestions for stopping the contractions.  (unfortunately, she was at the beach...)  She suggested I take a bath and see if it slowed the contractions down or sped them up.  I took a hot bath and nothing happened.  Contractions were still the same.  My doula then suggested I go get checked at the hospital.  Just in case.

But, I didn't want to go to the hospital.  Again. And get sent home.  Again. 

At this point, I did what every grown woman would do.  I called my mommy, sobbing.  I was just so dang tired.  She prayed with me and for me to have wisdom to know what to do (wait it out or go get checked.)

After a few more contractions, I decided we should probably go in to get checked.  We called my IL's again, and headed to the hospital. 

When we got there, it was crowded and we had to wait a little bit long time. While we were waiting, I noticed my contractions seemed to have slowed down.  A lot.  Like I only had one or two while we were waiting.  I looked at E and told him "I think we're definitely going home."

My name was finally called.  We went back with the nurse and the first thing I told her was that she was probably going to have to send me home since my contractions had stopped.  I told her if I was the same as the day prior, I wanted to go home- and maybe with some Ambien to help me sleep if needed.

The nurse started checking me at 8:20.  She got a very puzzled look on her face, like something was wrong.  She picked up her phone and called the night shift's head nurse.  She says "It feels like my patient is almost complete.  can you come check?"  What??  While she was continuing to check I had a contraction.  Then she says to us "oh, I guess when you contract you're a loose 7 to 8. You're not going home."

I couldn't believe it.

I called my friend Devan to come to the hospital.  (I had originally waited to call her until we knew what was going on, if they were going to keep me or send me home.  Especially after thursday's events.) 

The dr. on call came in to chat with us around 8:45.  I asked how long my body could contract only every 15 minutes.  How long would it take to deliver.  She said it could go on a very long time.  She couldn't be sure.  I decided to go ahead and have my water broken.

I completely forgot how bad it hurts with contractions after your water is broken in comparison to before.  If you don't know or remember-it's bad.

My body quickly went from barely contracting to having contractions every minute, then having them right on top of each other with a 5 second break.  It's somewhere around here that I decided I was dying.  (I now know it was transition, but it really was almost unbearable.)  I went ahead and screamed at told the nurse I wanted my epidural.  (I was dilated to a 9 at this point.)

(a side note: E was trying to talk me out of the epidural, since he knew I wanted to have a natural birth.  Devan was telling me she knew what it felt like to almost die.   I just wanted it to stop.  I believe one of my comments during this time was "Who's bright idea was it to do this naturally anyway?")

Those few minutes from the time I asked until the time it came were the longest of my life. (I was recounting it later and told E it seemed like 30 minutes.  He said, in reality, it was about 5.) After the epidural was all in, I was still having a lot of pain with my contractions.  The dr., who was still there, said that was because I got the epidural at 9cm versus 5cm, etc. 

Somewhere around 10:45, I was having some pressure with my contractions, but not constant pressure.  I thought we should let the nurse know.  The dr. came back in and checked me.  I told her that it was hurting.  The dr. said "that's because she's ready to come out."  While the nurse put my legs in the right places and the dr. was getting dressed, it started to hurt really bad.  The dr. glanced over and said "ha!  that's because she's half out!  don't push!"

Now, there's a phrase I've heard in prior birth experiences.  And, it's a big.fat.joke.  I wasn't pushing.  I was contracting.  The baby was just coming out.

Luckily, the dr. was in the room, so she came over to talk to me and told me to go ahead and push whenever I felt like pushing.  I gave a push, and the pain was so intense. (I asked later about the pain, and my OB said, again, it was the time issue.  the epidural just didn't have a lot of time to get into my system.) I was certain that if I continued to push, I'd tear like I did with Isaac (super bad, people.  I won't go into detail, but 30+ stitches.) I asked if she could give me a small episiotomy (my regular OB and I had talked about this prior to my pushing.  that was our original plan to avoid the damage I had with Zeke.) She gave me a tiny little cut, and the baby came sliding out.

Now, when I look back on those last few minutes, it seems like it took forever.  In reality, E said it was 3 minutes from my first push to birth.  3 minutes. Total time from getting into my room to birth: 2 hours and 33 minutes.

so, yeah.  Maybe it was a good thing I went in and got "checked".

Welcome to the world, Eliza Claire!

Her cry was so loud!  Several nurses commented on her "set of lungs"

She was still mad.  We found out a few minutes later it was because she had pooped and peed.

Cleaned up and ready to eat.

All settled in our room, and just had a snack.

In 4 weeks, when I'm holding her, none of this will matter

Right now.  Well, right now I'm feeling a lot of emotions.  (Actually, in addition to emotions, I'm having a painful contraction...)  Anger, sadness, jealousy, impatience.  You know, all good emotions. ;)

Thursday morning, I had an OB appointment.  My OB stretched me, (I was still the same as the previous week, though, with NO change.  boo.) but didn't expect to see me until Monday, during my next appointment.

Thursday afternoon, I woke up from my nap with contractions, around 2:30.  They got stronger and closer together.  Before I actually decided to "go in" they were about every 2 minutes apart.  It took a while for us to gather every thing up and for my in-laws to head over. 

By the time we got to the hospital, it was 7pm and I had been contracting every 2 minutes for 2 hours.  The nurse (who was very new) checked me and I was...wait for it... STILL THE SAME!  Gaah!

So, my doula met us there, got all of our stuff set up, and we went to town with our birth plan: intermittent monitoring, just an IV port, and lots of walking and bouncing on the ball.  I had a lot of contractions, mostly still every 2-3 minutes apart until about 12:30 am.  At this point, they had to keep me on the monitors a little longer because they wanted to watch baby girl's heart rate a little closer.  My contractions started to space out to every 5 minutes.  Then to every 10.  By 2:00, they were only every 15 minutes or so. 

At 2:30, they checked me again and I was the same dilation as in previous checks, but I did make progress in effacement.  Up to 80%.  Trust me, better than nothing, but still frustrating.

By 3:00, my contractions had stopped completely.  I sent my doula home, and we tried to get some sleep.  I was up, for good, at 4:30.  My OB came in at 6 and sent us home.

I have no words for the emotions I felt in that moment.  Or, rather, not enough words.  I had to pack up our stuff, walk down the hall, and out of the hospital with no baby.  Not to mention I had to answer all of the posts on facebook.

So, since Thursday, I've felt like hiding in a hole.  I don't want to see anyone who knows me who might know what happened.  have ANYONE say "oh, you're still pregnant?"  or"You didn't have that baby, yet?" or better yet, my favorite (strickly because I *know* this.  I *know* it.) "She'll come when she's ready."

I don't even want to venture into church tomorrow.  I already told E, as we were leaving in the hospital, that he was going to have to go with out me.

I know I'm being childish.  Especially with the people at church.  They love me and care about me.  But, maybe that is what makes it worse?  Maybe because they know that this pregnancy is my longest yet, and that we've been waiting for baby G's arrival for WEEKS now?

Or because I'm embarrassed.  Okay.  that's probably it.

I'm starting to remember that there is nothing more frustrating in the world than realizing I AM NOT IN CONTROL!  Even though I try to control, I cannot.  Whether it be the birth of my baby girl, the many miscarriages we had, my daughter's anxiety, or my son's speech.  I cannot control everything.  In fact, I have very little control. 

That, my friends, is humbling.  And sort of infuriating.  Now I know remember why my toddler throws things when he doesn't get his way.  It's from the lack of control. 

Now, what can I throw?

Dear baby George

Dear Baby George,  (Don't worry.  We won't call you that once you're born.  Well, at least I won't.  One of your big brothers might.)

Let me start by saying that I appreciate your apparent love for me, your momma, and my uterus.  However, we'd love it if you came out soon.  Your growing body and growing home is starting continuing to make mommy miserable. 

Tomorrow would be an excellent choice for a birthday.  For one, mommy's doctor is on call.  All day.  For two, and more importantly, it's the anniversary of your Aunt Becky's death.  I know it might seem weird to share a birthday with that occasion, but your Grandma, Grandpa, and Daddy would enjoy having something positive/fun to think about on October 13 every year, in addition to remembering Aunt Becky's life. 

So, feel free to come out tomorrow and meet the world.  We can't wait to love on you!

Love,
Mommy

p.s. Tomorrow technically starts at midnight.  Just so you know. ;)

Bubbles and bellies

Our big kids had fall break this past Thursday, Friday, and Today.  Since E had to work all of those days, we decided to take the kids to do something fun on Saturday.  We headed to Birmingham bright and early, stopping at a doughnut shop in Culman first (um, yum!  Haven't had one in ages and the one I did have was still warm.  heaven.)

We spent most of our morning/early afternoon at the McWayne Science Center.  We had free passes for the kids, so we made out pretty cheaply (well, $24 for all of us.)

Most of the museum was pretty dark, so I couldn't really get any pictures.  The bubble exhibit, however, was right in front of some windows, so I got a few. 

My favorite picture of the day: 

 All three kids trying to make a bubble.

It was a fun day.  2 of the 3 kids fell asleep on the way home and slept most of the time.  The other kid, A, listened to a book on CD.  E and I actually had some conversation time.  Which was nice. :)

I had an OB appointment today.  38 weeks.  Unfortunately, nothing has changed since last week's appointment.  Not a gosh.dang.thang.   Not that I'm having a hard time or anything. ;) 

Patience is not a virtue of mine.  Well, I'd like it to be, but I tend to get anxious and worry.  About stupid stuff, too.  *sigh*  Anyway, here's a picture from before my appointment.



I have lots on my mind today, all mostly baby related.  However, A has a birthday party to attend, and I need to get the littlest down for a nap.  Since nothing is going on baby wise, I'm sure I'll have time to blog more tomorrow. ;)

hearing the little voice in your head and 37 weeks

Another funny story from my little man, A.

E got into the shower the other night, and noticed that there was a cup full of body wash in the corner.  A is the only one who takes showers unsupervised in our shower (well, minus the adults, of course) so E knew it was his doing.  When he got out of the shower, E disciplined A.  Following the discipline, he sat A on his knee and started talking a little bit about his conscience.

E: "You know that little voice in your head that tells you when you shouldn't do something?  That's God telling you that you aren't obeying or doing what Mommy and Daddy want you to do.  You need to listen to that little voice."

A: "I couldn't hear the little voice.  The shower was too loud."

E and I both almost burst out with laughing.  I  mean, seriously, you guys.  Where does a 5 year old get these things? 

Back and Forth

Yesterday I had my 36 week appointment with my OBGYN.  Overall, it went well.  Everything looked good. Lost 1.5 pounds, and my uterus still measured 36 weeks (I measured the same 2 weeks ago.)

My OB, of course, is leaving on Sunday, the 2nd, and won't be back until the 10th.  To sort of make a long story short-(ish) I'll just say that we both REALLY want her to be at my birth for several reasons.

My dr. was really hoping that I'd be dilated some yesterday, so that I can come back in on Thursday or Friday and maybe do a little stretching and get things going and started, possibly having baby girl come this weekend.  It wasn't really unrealistic, since I was dilated with O and I at 36 weeks.  (I can't remember with A.  How bad is that?!?!?)

When my dr. walked into my room she says "I want you to either be closed, or like an eight or something."  She was kidding.  Sort of.  She then says "but I doubt you will be.  I'm guessing a 3." That was my guess, too. 

Turns out, I was closer to a closed than we thought I would be.  I was a finger tip to 1.  She couldn't tell super well because my cervix was very posterior and hard to reach.  Since my OB is going out of town, I didn't really want to "make her" reach or even try to stretch me.  There's no point, really. 

Here's where I go back and forth.  Part of me feels like I totally read my body wrong, and I feel stupid for thinking I was dilated more. (Stupid, I know, but true.)  That same part of me feels slightly disappointed that we likely won't have a baby this weekend.  That same part that is happy with my weight gain RIGHT.THIS.MINUTE. and doesn't really want to gain any more.

The other part?  The other part is glad.  The other part knows this is the last time I'll likely ever be pregnant.  The last time I'll ever feel a little person move inside of me.  That other part is glad, too, since our family is just getting over a tummy bug (everyone but me got sick.  amazing!) and we have a few home improvement projects we'd like to accomplish this weekend.

Then there's this middle part.  Or maybe it's back to the first part of me, I'm not sure.  But, I just have this feeling that this little girl is going to come when my OB is gone.  It may not be in the beginning of her trip, but it may be on the last day (or two.)  That's kind of a negative part, huh?  I know it's pessimistic.  I know.  But, I keep trying to figure out what I have to do in order to have the birth I want and have the level of medical intervention I need with out having those two things get confused by the on call dr.  The good thing is that my doula should be able to help me with some of that.

Did you follow me on all of that?  I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.  Heck, I can barely follow my own thoughts.

A Quilt, my Belly, and other things

I finally got around to piecing together that quilt I mentioned in this post. I wanted to use up my scraps, as well as make something that went with all of the fabric in the room.  If you know my sewing style, I'm not on much for actual "patterns" or quilt styles.  Its too, um, formal for me.  So I laid out all of my larger scraps on top of my backing piece and my batting and sort of just pieced it all together. 

There was a point where I was about to throw the entire quilt out the window.  That point was towards the end, too.  Isaac kept crawling in my lap while I was sewing and I screwed up an entire line.  That one long stitch took me almost 2 hours to take out.

But, it's finished now.  Whew. 

Part of the quilt.  Not sure if I'm going to regret the satin fabric...

 The binding is half brown and half the brown/white fabric.  This picture has the quilt folded in on the top right corner so you can see the backing, too.

Since I uploaded some pictures from my camera, I found a few belly pictures I thought I'd share. 

This one is 34 weeks, taken right before my baby "sprinkle" that my friend D threw me.

A took this one for us.  We realized later that E's shirt was unbuttoned.  Classy.

 

These are from Monday- 35 weeks.

As a complete and utter unrelated topic, have I mentioned how much I hate staying home all day?  Isaac woke up sick last night, so we've been quarantined today.  I hate it!  I get so restless and have cabin fever!  I made an attempt to leave the house this morning, to get Zeke some medicine for his fever, but he fell asleep in the car before we even left the subdivision.  So, I made a loop and came back home.

Speaking of crazy things.  I am slowly packing my bag for The Girl's birth.  E asked me yesterday if I had packed for him.  I told him no, and he said "oh, never mind.  I'm sure we won't be in a rush to get to the hospital with how long your labors are.  I can pack then."  Thanks for that reminder, babe.

One more update to add to my hodgepodge.  We finally chose a first name for The Girl!  I'm about to bust at the seams!  I want to tell someone in a bad way.  It's probably a super good thing that we choose names late in the game.  Otherwise, I may not be able to keep it a secret. ;)  O keeps asking what her name is.  We'd tell her, but the last time we told the kids a secret (that I was pregnant) they blurted it out to my parents on the phone.  So, we're staying tight lipped.  E keeps telling the big kids that we're going to name her "George".  They think that's nonsense, and laugh hysterically.  Isaac, however, keeps saying "Baby George!"  It may end up her nickname.

I have no energy nor desire

I want to relay some information for those of you who care.  However, I'm not feeling so hot right now.  I've got a sore throat and a headache.  So, instead of a well-put together post, you get bullets.  Or asterisks.

*My good friend Devan (I'd link up to her blog if I wasn't so lazy) threw me an ah-mazing baby shower yesterday.  It was just unbelievable.  Cute decorations, awesome food, fun friends, and amazing gifts.  On top of all of that, she made me a diaper cake AND got me a massage gift certificate.  I think I love her. (Well, I already knew I did, but it just reinforced it.)

*I had a panic moment in my bathroom yesterday, getting ready for the shower.  I kept thinking "no one will show up".  I asked E when I'd stop caring if people like me.  He replied "I don't think YOU ever will."  Fine.  I see your point.

*Thankfully, almost everyone showed up.  Which was just wonderful, since I haven't seen a few of those girls in ages.  It was so wonderful and I left feeling so loved and blessed to have such amazing women in my life.

*Today was doctor appointment day.  I had an OB appointment at 9, and Zeke had a sick visit at 11:30.  We left the house at 8, and didn't get back until 12:30.

*I rested for a few minutes after I got Isaac into bed for a nap.  When he woke up, my throat was SO sore, and I had/have a bad headache.  Of course, this happened AFTER we went to the dr.  Sheesh.

*Good news, over all, from the OB.  Baby girl is head down, and her head is low.  Yippee!  I was a little afraid, for a while, that she might be transverse.  The last few days, I have felt her hiccups down low, so I was feeling a tad better.  But, it's good to know that she is, in fact, head down.

*Baby girl must have had a growth spurt.  Last appointment I gained zero pounds in two weeks.  This appointment, I gained 4 lbs AND measured 2.5 weeks ahead.  (Last week, I was about .5 weeks "behind" .  which, really isn't "behind".  I know, its confusing.)  I refuse to think that the weight gain was from my eating of baby shower cake yesterday.  nope.  can't be. ;)

*Unfortunately, it seems as if my upper back pain is likely to be a kidney stone.  Fun.  I mean, it's not completely a surprise.  I had 2 with O's pregnancy, a few after that, and one during Isaac's pregnancy.  But, it just isn't my favorite past time.  I did get a script for Percacet if I need it.  If I don't have any issues before the baby is born, we'll just use it after delivery.

*I hired my doula.  Did I tell you guys that?  She's awesome.  I met with her a few weeks ago with Isaac in tow so we didn't finish everything.  I can't wait to meet with her again (sans Isaac) and get some more things "planned".

*The weather seems to be cooling down a little bit.  At least our morning walks to school are cooler.  I actually wore a T-shirt today, instead of my usual tank top. I know, I know.  It's down-right chilly. :)

*There are some things going on with O that we could use some prayers for.  It's nothing scary, but definitely things that need to be worked out now, while she's 6.  I'll share in more detail another time. It's the kind of topic that needs an entire blog post.

*My friend Devan and I are going away for a girl's night this Friday.  I cannot wait. 

*we still do not have a name for miss baby.  Ack!

Even in my dreams

Birth has been on my mind a lot lately.  For obvious reasons in terms of myself.  But, I've had some friends recently give birth, and some about to have babies any time. 

Something else that has been on my mind is names.  Not just any names, but a name for our baby.

I should preface this whole post by telling you that E and I take for.ev.er to name our kids.  O was the earliest.  Maybe around 30 weeks.  A was 36 weeks.  I was named just days before we had him.  I'm totally not a "let's wait to see what they look like" kind of person, either.  I like to paint letters to hang on the wall, I like to get things monogrammed.  I like to KNOW what to call my baby, even if we don't share it with anyone else until they are born. 

So, true to form, this baby girl does not have a name.  We've gone through the baby books.  We've posted on name blogs.  I have several that I could "go with" and one that is my favorite.  E, on the other hand, likes nothing.  Nothing is "grabbing him" and he's not "in love" with any name.  Which makes it particularly hard to decide.

So this name thing has been on my mind, along with birthing.  It's no surprise that I had a dream about it all last night.  In my dream, I delivered a healthy baby girl, with blond hair, at 36 weeks.  It was a short labor (this, in itself, is a total dream. ha!) and she arrived with out complications.  But, whenever people asked us her name, I could never understand what we told them.  It was just jabbering.  People seemed to like the name, whatever it was.  But, I could never grasp what it was we actually named her. 

Apparently, even in my subconscious, we can't decide on a name.