I love Thailand like a love song, baby

Ever since we came back from Thailand, I've been missing it.  Like, in a super strong, unexplained way.

I'm not a global world trotter, so at first I thought it was normal.  Go on an amazing vacation, dream about it for weeks/months after.  Seems normal.

Except, it turns out, it isn't.  The more people I talked to that went on trips to amazing places had a great time, wished they could go back, but not in the same miss-it-so-much-i-might-cry way I do.

I started to wonder why it was different for me.  What is it about me or about Thailand that has grasped me in such a way that the country is never far from my thoughts?

A few months ago, I had this tiny feeling that maybe a missions trip might be in order.  Maybe that's what my heart is feeling.  A tug to serve?  Shortly after I put a prayer request in ink in my mother's bible study at our old church (I still go for bible study.  I love those ladies and couldn't leave all together.)  Two weeks after that, our church had two back-to-back messages on missions.  On how our pastor felt like it was a vision to send one family for short term missions (3 months to a year) from each missional community (small group) completely funded BY our missional community in the next 2-4 years.  The entire service, I was thinking- that may be us.  It could be us.  I want it to be us.

I wrote down my gut feelings in my prayer journal, and continued to pray about it.  Then, a few days later, a lovely friend in our small group tugged me aside and said, "when I was listening to the message on Sunday, I felt like our group would send you.  I've never seen someone so moved by a vacation to a country like you."

But... how?  When?  HOW?

My husband is feeling zero calling to do this right now.  ME?  I could go tomorrow (isn't that the way it always works?? )  I have no idea on logistics of any of this.  Now is really not the best time to go to Thailand, but that doesn't mean we won't.  It also doesn't mean that it isn't 5 years from now.  Or, maybe, this preparation of my heart is strictly to lead me to something else.  Maybe it isn't even to go to Thailand or another country, but to soften my heart to missions in general?

It reminds me of a friend who was quickly building an addition to their house so they can foster larger sibling groups.  They thought they were preparing for a specific sibling set that needed to be placed quickly.  So, they got it done!  They didn't end up getting the siblings they thought they would, but instead got a sweet little girl that desperately needs their home as a safe place.  Their preparation was not for what they thought, but the preparation was not in vain.

Maybe this is my addition.  Maybe its just a tugging on my heart to get me to lean my ear in, to listen more carefully to God's heart for his children.  But, honestly, part of me hopes it involves Thailand.

A decade

Happy 10th wedding anniversary to the man I've loved since I was 15.  I'm looking forward to many, many wonderful years to come.

slight birthday depression

I'm normally nostalgic around birthdays.  Especially first birthdays.  But, y'all, Eliza's birthday is coming up in 2 days and I'm almost bordering on depressed.  I mean, I am glad she's alive, thriving, and turning one (obviously) but I've just been so sad.

I'm sure its a mixture of lots of things.

Isaac stopped sucking his fingers after his accident.  It seems so grown up.  Its sad.  He's growing up.  Which means Eliza WILL grow up.  She's likely our last baby.  When I think on that, I think about all of our babies that we'll never get to celebrate birthdays with. 

Its a downward spiral into an emotional pit.

So, for once in several months, I'd like for my baby's birthday just to hurry up and get here already.  So I can get over this funk.

See you Thursday.

Tracy

Eliza's VCUG

Thanks for all of the prayers and well wishes.  It went so well!  Not only did she do great (she was the life of the radiology department that day) she didn't show any signs of kidney reflux!

Here she is in her hospital gown.

She didn't even cry when they inserted the catheter!  Amazing little girl!  (It was sort of funny because she DID cry during her renal u/s at the urologist's office.  Which, clearly, didn't hurt.  She was just plain mad.)

We still have to watch out for unexplained high fevers, but we're sort of professionals at fever watch. :)

The honest truth

I've been having a hard time adjusting to the fact that Eliza will (likely) be our last baby. As much as I was sure about it when I was pregnant, I am now feeling all weepy and sad about it. 

Eliza is amazing, so precious, and such a blessing. 

But, I still feel like someone is missing. (And they are. Lots of someones. *sigh*) 

I sort of hoped, ignorantly, the feeling of "some one missing" would go away once we had decided that our family was complete.

It doesn't, does it?

Two different worlds

Tomorrow, at 1:00 pm CST, E and I will head to the OBGYN and have our anatomy scan done for this little baby bit growing in my uterus.  Scheduling the first appointment after lunch, in hopes that we can avoid a long waiting room experience.  (I can't believe I have to wait until 1, though. I may drive myself insane...)

As I type this, I'm actually praying.  And listening to worship music.  And crying.

Why?

Because I am stuck between two different worlds. 

World number 1: So excited to get to see our baby bit tomorrow.  So excited to hopefully find out if it is a he or a she in there.  So excited to see him or her move around on the monitor, and get to take pictures home to keep.

But, there's another world I live in. 

World number 2: I'm scared something might be wrong.  I know what anatomy scans are for, and its not finding out the gender of the baby.  Its for finding abnormalities, birth defects, problems with the baby or with me.  I know, all too well, that things don't always go as planned.  In fact, they rarely do.  I have known too many women who go into their scans with hopes and dreams, and come out crushed with a harsh reality of dispair.

Honestly, it is hard to live in either world for long.  If I try to dwell on "is the baby a boy? or a girl?" I am quickly reminded of world 2.  If I dwell on the later, well, it does no one any good.  Especially me. It makes me jumpy, depressed, worried, and anxious.

I know this is not a new experience to those who have lost babies.  In fact, I remember quite clearly the way I felt last time around.


There's a balance somewhere there. I know it. Which is why I'm praying. And listening to worship music. And crying.

I'm listening and watching this song, The More I Seek You.  It is one of my favorites that we sing at church.


My favorite lyric: "I melt in your peace.  It's overwhelming."

May I be overwhelmed by His peace.  Today, and tomorrow, and the next day.  No matter what the results of tomorrow are.

6 days in the dark

Day 1: The storms
Wednesday morning O went to school on a two hour delay due to a Tornado warning early in the morning..  A's school was on schedule.  I had a few errands to run, so I sent both of them off, with a plan to keep an eye on the weather and an ear on the radio. I finished the things I needed to do, and went to eat with my mother in law.  It was sunny and warm when we were seated.  By the time our food came, the storms were back.  We ended up getting stuck in the restaurant for over a hour, waiting for the rain to let up so we could leave to pick up the kids.  Got home, found out that a tornado had just missed MIL's house by about a mile.

MIL calls to tell me that they don't have power.  I invite them over for dinner.  The storms start again.  I quickly finish dinner, afraid that our power might go out.  Set the table, tornado sirens go off, turn on the tv and see that it is indeed for our area.  All 7 of us head to the bathroom- where the power goes out, and, consequently, the sirens stop at the same time.

We finish eating, send off MIL and FIL, and try to get the troops ready for bed.  Another tornado is heading our way (which we know because of the radio.  sirens still aren't working.) and we get back into the bathroom.  Finally head to bed.  O isn't having any of that.  She has anxiety attacks all night, constantly asking us questions every 15 minutes.  I am pretty confident she didn't sleep until well past 3 am. 

Day 2: The day after
We hear on the radio that a tornado hit TVA itself. Initial report is that power may not be restored for 2-4 days.  We thought about traveling to MI to stay with my parents, but decided that 2-4 days wasn't worth the drive.  Plus, gas is expensive.

We head to Lowe's to get stuff to do E's projects around the house, and see this just around the corner:

We hang out around our house.  We play with the neighbors.  We hear about the crazy lines to get gas and food in Athens (which has power and is about 15 minutes from us.)  We have an impromptu get together with the neighbors to grill all of the meat that is going to go bad before tomorrow.  The weather is beautiful!

E and I play several rounds of Yahtzee.  Unfortunately, O still has issues going to sleep.  Still has anxiety induced nightmares.

Day 3:  We're running out of food. 
We have peanut butter bread again.  The stuff in our fridge has been moved to our freezer in efforts to keep it cold.  We decide to head to Athens to try to find something to eat for lunch, and find some gas for the IL's generator. 

On the way there, the normal "route" we take to get there is full of traffic.  We go a back way.  We are shocked at the amount of damage to houses and fences.  Not to mention a field that was completely full of Derbies.  Amazing. 

Almost all of the gas stations have super long lines, so we eat at McD's first, then try to find gas.  We get lucky and find a gas station that we only had to wait at for 10 minutes.

We head home the normal route, and see this: 

Complete devastation.  Feeling blessed and a lot less "inconvenienced". 

Weather is still beautiful.  We have dinner with our neighbors, who kindly let us use their gas stove top to cook some noodles and sauce.

E and I play Yahtzee again.  Its been quite fun spending evenings with him like this.

Day 4: We're out of here!
We head to Nashville for the day.  Going to use our last day of our zoo membership, and hopefully visit some friends. On the way there, we stop to go to the bathroom.  O is washing her hands and she says "Mommy!  Mommy!  They have HOT water here!!!"  Yep.  Its a novelty now.

The weather is beautiful again, and we have a wonderful time at the zoo.  We find some where to have a HOT meal.  Then, we head to Franklin, TN.

Franklin is having a festival, so we hang out there for a bit.  However, the festival was too crowded to be fun, so we then headed to my friend Raechel's house for a visit, and a hot shower.
We have a wonderful visit, and I have a wonderfully hot shower.  The kids got to make new friends and ride in a super cool bike.

We had to leave, in my opinion, too soon.  I always love visiting with these folks, but we had to get back before curfew. (Which was dusk to dawn for our community)

E and I play Pay Day.  We both commented how we haven't played that game in years.  Very fun. 

O finally sleeps well and only wakes up once.  I, however, am still not sleeping well.  I miss my sound machine to drown out the sleep noises of dear E, barking dogs, etc.

Day 5: More feelings of gratitude

We head to McDonald's again- this time for breakfast.  Everyone is pretty sick of peanut butter bread.  Especially me.  We decide to go past a friend's old subdivision (they moved to AK a few years ago) on our way.

I've never seen anything like this.  Ever.  Only a few houses are left standing.  Houses very similar to ours.  This tornado hit only 4 miles from our house. 

(I know its hard to see, but this rubble used to be houses!)

We start to run out of undies and socks.  So, I wash a load of laundry in the bath tub.  Since that went so well, I decided to do one more load that we could hang outside to dry. 

Its also the day that I clean out the fridge and freezer.  We had a few things survive in my IL's deep freezer, but we lost everything else.  But, in comparison to losing a house, I'll be happy to replace these things.  They're just that: things. 

In a positive light: my fridge and freezer haven't been this clean since we moved into our house 3 years ago.

We go out to eat with the IL's for dinner.  Mexican.  Yum!

E decides to go to work in a temporary set up office they have there.  He leaves around 7.  A starts throwing up around 8.  Not really the most fun thing to do/clean up in the dark.

Day 6: The power comes on

We heard that Costco had power, so we head there.  No samples, of course, but we get out of the house, and even get a cookie in the process.  While we are there, my OB calls to ask if I want to come in for my appointment (they were closed on my original appointment day because of the power issue, too.) Since we are near there, we bring the whole crew.

While I'm back in the office, E takes the kids to the park.  The nurse can't find Baby Bitt's heart beat with the Doppler.  I tell her my last scan showed my placenta in the front.  She goes to get my dr., who, on the way in, has to run to the hospital for a delivery.  So, she calls in a NP.  The NP tries for over 15 minutes to find the heart beat with no success.  (I'm not scared, or worried.  With time, and much effort, I can find it at home.)  They whisk me off to an ultrasound.

At this point, I'm super excited!  I'm hoping they can maybe peek at the gender.  Well, I find out we're having a baby............. 

Skeletor!

Seriously, though, the ultrasound tech isn't the sweetest person ever.  She has the wand on my belly for a minute-tops.  Didn't even try to get a good picture for me. (though, You can see the skull.  Thus the name, Skeletor!)  I keep peaking at the picture, wondering if those three lines down at the end of the abdomen are parts or leg bones. Still neat to see my baby again.

We get home and put Zeke to bed.  I'm putting the dishes away when A notices that the lamp is on.  Hurrah!  We have power! 

I's light is on in his room, so we turn that off.  The first thing I do is take a nap.  With my sound machine.  Ahhh...  Pure bliss.

Feeling extremely thankful for electricity, and, more importantly, a house that went undamaged.  (Thank you, God, for keeping up safe!)

A peace in my heart

Whenever any of my kids have been scheduled to have surgery, (yesterday was the 4th time. O had kidney reflux surgery, A had to be re-circumcised and, at a separate time, had his adenoids out.) I always start to wonder if we are making the right choice. Are the risks of the anesthesia outweighed by the benefit of the surgery?

Isaac's surgery went really well on Wednesday.  When the ENT came back to talk to us he said that Isaac's ears were already 75% filled with fluid and were already infected.  They were completely clear on Thursday afternoon when we went to see him.  So, less than a week later, and he already had another infection. 

Even though that bit of information may seem like bad news, it was actually very reassuring.  It gave us complete peace in our decision.  A confirmation that we did the right thing and made the right choice.  With out this surgery, we would've been back to the pediatrician for another visit sometime yesterday or today. 

I had prayed, right before Christmas, that God would make it abundantly clear that Isaac needed (or didn't need) the surgery.  He not only made it clear before his surgery, but afterward as well.  I think its kind of cool (and, really shows me His love) that he reaffirmed this decision for us. 

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

One of my friends sent me this poem.  She experienced a miscarriage not too long ago.  When I read it, I couldn't help but think of all of our precious babies up in heaven.  What a wonderful and encouraging thought to know that they are always with our Savior.

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

I see the countless Christmas trees,

Around the world below.

With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,

Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,

Please wipe away that tear.

For I'm spending Christmas,

With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,

That people hold so dear.

But the sounds of music can't compare,

With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you,

The joy their voices bring.

For it is beyond description,

To hear the angels sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor,

Or the peace here in this place.

Can you just imagine Christmas,

With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit,

As I tell Him of your love.

So then pray for one another,

As I lift you eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful,

And let your spirit sing.

For I'm Spending Christmas in Heaven,

And I'm walking with the King.

 Poem written by Wanda Bencke



Vesicoureteral Reflux

Big scary word, Vesicoureteral. Don't you think? Yeah, I thought so, too.

Maybe a better name to go by is Kidney Reflux. Its a bit more manageable. You can clearly tell, right away, what organs/part of the body, it affects. But, its still a little intimidating.

In fact, it was extremely intimidating to me a few years back when they told me that my little 15 month old daughter had Kidney Reflux (and when I say little, I'm not exaggerating. She only weighed 15 lbs or so.)

I had never even heard of Kidney Reflux. Ever. Luckily, though, God had put people in my life that could advise me and fill me in. You see, a few years prior, I was a nanny for 2 years to a sweet little boy named Oliver. The mom was a child psychologist. Dad was completing his residency at a local hospital. The really cool thing is this: he was completing his residency in Urology. So, I quickly called them up after O's diagnosis. They were able to calm me down and tell me that it wasn't such a big deal. Its pretty common, and easily treated and often outgrown. Whew! (this all took place while I was waiting to see the pediatric urologist. I think it was in the waiting room, actually. lol.)

So, life moved forward with our little kidney reflux girl. Enough VCUGs, (insert catheter into bladder, fill bladder with dye, watch on x-ray) that I actually lost count. Antibiotics every day. Fevers required an immediate urine culture. But, really, in the over all scheme of things, things were manageable. We were waiting to see if baby girl would outgrow her reflux, like 75% of patients with her grade of reflux did.

When she turned two and a half, we had another VCUG. This time, the pediatric urologist thought that she might be at that age where we would start seeing improvement. We went to the hospital, they gave O some Valium and laughing gas (oh gosh, that was a trip. she still managed to wrangle herself loose with all of the sedation! but, that's another story.)

The radiologist told me the news. O's reflux was showing up as a more severe grade of reflux. In her initial VCUG, she was diagnosed with grade II (the grades are from I-V with I being the least severe and V being the most severe. ) This particular time, the x-ray was showing grade IV.

With the specialist, we decided that surgery was the best option. A little over a month later, O went through a procedure called Deflux. We kept her on the antibiotics for a few more months, until we could determine whether or not the procedure was successful. Thankfully, it was! O was able to stop daily antibiotics right before she turned 3. When she was a little over 3, we were released from the uroligist. Sort of.

Here's the thing. Kidney reflux seems to run in families. A sibling of a reflux patient has a 1/3 chance of it. A was tested at 6 months and was given a clean bill of health. We were given instructions to bring any future child in for testing, too.

So, I called the office, asking if baby I needed to be seen and when. The first person I talked to said that he didn't need to be seen. He is a boy, and boys are less likely to have it. I was extremely happy and didn't think anything of it until his 4 month appointment. His pediatrician said that he needed to be checked.

I went into the urologist's office this time, talking to someone in person. She told me the same thing as the previous nurse, that boys don't need to be tested unless they have symptoms. But, then she said "well, wait. what grade did your daughter have?" I told her. She said, "oh. well. that makes a difference. let me talk to dr. H and give you a call back."

That conversation took place last Tuesday. When I didn't hear back from her, I assumed that baby I did not need to be seen (hoorah!). But, alas, I was wrong. They called yesterday to inform me that baby I needs to get tested. And not just the preliminary ultrasound that they normally do. He needs to just go straight to the VCUG.

Its weird. When I thought that he was going to have to be tested, (back when I had him) I wasn't upset about it. But, the thought of NOT having to do it, then being told we had to do it, makes me upset. Weird, no?

So, now, I'm in this place that is sort of unhealthy for me. The place where I freak out. The place where I think about the 2 week long fever Zeke had with no explanation (that ended in antibiotics for his ear, which would've cleared up a UTI if he had one...) The place where I think about his stint with smelly urine. The place where I'm convincing myself that he actually has Kidney reflux when I have no proof and no real logical reason to think that.

I'm trying to give it up to God for now. Find my peace in Him.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

dry your tears

Jeremiah 31:15-17

15 In Ramah a voice is heard, crying and weeping loudly. Rachel mourns for her children and refuses to be comforted, because they are dead.16 But I, the Lord, say to dry your tears. Someday your children will come home from the enemy’s land. Then all you have done for them will be greatly rewarded.17 So don’t lose hope. I, the Lord, have spoken.

Today, in my bible study, we talked about our plans for our lives 10 (or 5 years ago in my case, since 10 years ago puts me as a senior in high school) years ago. What did we think we'd be doing today? I've blogged before about how I thought our family would be complete well before I turned 30. While that could still happen, E and I have come to the conclusion that we will probably be over 30 before we are finished having children. (well, he should be for sure, since he turns 30 on I's 1st birthday!)

After we discussed our plans, one of the mentor women asked how we were changed from our experiences that led us down different life paths. I, for one, talked a little about being able to be a testimony and a compassionate ear for people going through what I went through, (for even those who only go through it once).

How my perspective would be different had we not lost our children. Would I have the same compassion? Would I cry out in prayer for those who have lost such precious life?

My personal answer is: probably not. There's a sense of compassion that only experience can give us.

Almost exactly one year ago, (tomorrow, actually) I found out I was pregnant with baby number 8. We were hopeful that *this* baby would be the one to make it since we were under constant medical care and were trying new things (lovenox). but, almost one year ago next week, we lost that baby. A year seems like an eternity ago when I think of the pit of grief I was in, yet in some ways it seems like only yesterday.

When I talk and think about my miscarriages, it seems I miss my babies no less today then I did 12 mths ago. I think of them less often, but the grief of losing our children is still on the surface, ready to be prodded, ready to be shared with another who is hurting and feeling so alone.

If I can only make a difference in one hurting woman's life, then use me Lord. Let me be a tool to help dry the tears.

What I'm thankful for

I am thankful for more than I can even type here. But, for one, I'm thankful that I've made it this far with this babe.

Truly amazing.

Truly wonderful.

Truly a miracle.

Viability

I've been meaning to make a post about this since, well, I hit the "viability" marker on Thursday. However, time kept ticking, tick, tick, ticking away and it got lost in "things to do" list. But, here we are now. Better late then never.

I've been making these little "short goals" for my pregnancy since the day I got the news that I was carrying another child in my womb. "let me make it to six weeks!" then "let me see the baby on the ultrasound!" then "let me hear the heart beat!" then "let me make it past the first trimester!", etc, etc, etc. But, one of my major "goals" was 24 weeks. Its the point that they term the baby "viable". meaning, they'd actually try to save the baby if it was born today. The baby would have a chance at living outside of the womb.

Now, I realize that it may seem a bit odd to just want to make it to viability. Obviously, I want to make it further. But, there's a sense in relief in just *knowing* that if I gave birth, this baby could survive. For someone like me, who has lost so many babies before they were "viable" this is huge. It gives me hope. It gives me a sense of peace.

But, what kind of "goal maker" would I be if I was content at 24 weeks? My new goal, is 28 weeks. That magical gestational number that raises the odds for this baby bumpkin! Then, the new goal? Who knows? Maybe 33 weeks (the week I went into labor with O).

Whatever the goal now, though, I thank God that my body has kept this baby safe thus far. It still never ceases to amaze me that this baby boy is still inside, still alive, and still loving his momma. God is good!

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it! I'm about to loose control and I think I like it!

First of all, I never realized how sexual that song is. Did you? Holy Toledo! Here's the youtube video.


Okay, so that is really not at all the topic of today's blog post. What I'm excited about is this:

~~~I'm out of the first trimester!~~~

Hallelujah! Seriously, folks, this is a miracle.

I know that I've made it here before. I know that its really not a "special" occasion to most people. I can tell you that there was not the same elation in reaching the second trimester with my other two children. Mainly because I had yet to experience the loss of a pregnancy (I lost a baby before Austin, but we didn't know I was pregnant until I was already having a miscarriage).

But, this time around, it is a special occasion. I feel like I could go and dance in joy. I might just do that now.

I have to say

I'm so thankful that I can go to God and share my feelings and thoughts with him. Because, right now, in this moment, I'm scared. For no other reason than my history and for fear itself. Instead of wallowing in that fear, thinking of all of the things that could happen, I am taking it to Him. I'm giving it to Him. Asking for joy instead.

I'm so thankful that He is here to listen.

I'll never be the same again

Today was a busy day. A weird day. Full of mixed emotions.

Emotion 1: Elation. As you might have guessed, I had another u/s today. Everything looks wonderful! The baby was actually measuring ahead! (woot woot!) Apparently, my uterus is 4xs the size of a first time mother's at this stage. Dr. H said its due to all of my other pregnancies. No wonder I already feel the need for maternity pants! The heart rate was 158, which is fabulous! The baby has grown a ton since last Monday which impressed the dr. a lot! So much so, that they released me to my OB.

Emotion 2: Leary. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to my OB. I love her dearly, (even though I'll probably end up switching in the end so I can have a more natural child birth...) but its so nice at the RE's office. Its like a paradise of dr.'s offices. I have never waited more than 5 minutes. Today's wait time was about 2. Its in, out, every one's nice, friendly, and seems to care about you. Its not uncommon to wait an hour, sometimes two, at the OB. But, despite my hesitation, I called. It was quite funny because the scheduling lady asked for my LMP and I told her "I'm under strict advice from Dr. H to just tell you that I am 8 weeks." She laughed and said that was fine- apparently they get that a lot from their office.

Emotion #3: Hurt. Some dear friends of mine (we've been friends since Olivia was about 8 weeks old) took me out for ice cream tonight for my upcoming birthday. I took a double dose of my zofran (ok'd by Dr. H, if you're wondering) and met my friends at Maggie Moo's. One of those friends lost a baby around the same time that I lost mine in October of last year. This particular friend shared that she is pregnant again. Thirteen weeks along. They found out yesterday its a girl.

I have to admit, my first reaction was not joy or elation. It was hurt. Then confusion as to why I was hurt. What do I care anymore? I'm pregnant, I have a beautiful living being in my uterus. Why should it still hurt me to hear of other's pregnancies?

On the way I realized several things. The thing that was bothering me at the moment was that I have lost almost all luxury of "surprising" people. I realize that I publicly share on my blog, (which is something I felt called to share with my in-real-life friends. remember this post?) But, I also shared with a few select friends via phone calls (the friends I went out with tonight). I've shared almost every pregnancy with them because I know that I'm going to 1. share with them if I loose another baby 2.want them to pray for me and 3. get questions about how the cycle is going at the RE's office (really, when friends know you're going to an RE, there's no secrecy!)

When I really reflected on it, I wasn't hurt just because I couldn't surprise people. I realized tonight that, despite being pregnant with a healthy baby, I'll never be the same person I was before all of our losses. I can never enjoy a pregnancy in quite the same way I did before. I can never take for granted that this baby will be born alive and healthy. I can never walk into a doctor appointment with sheer excitement. I will never be able to walk into an OB appointment with out fear in the pit of my stomach.

I will never be the same again.

Just as those babies stretched out my uterus, leaving a permanent physical mark, loosing those precious babies has left a mark on my soul.

As I sat here to type this entry, I was reminded of a song that I used to listen to when I lived at home. It reminds me that change isn't always bad. I'm more mature, more involved in my pregnancies and my chidlren's lives. I've come to realize a lot of new things about God and life in general.

Even though my journey is not over and has been long, and full of hurt and loss, I'm convinced that God will use me. Some day, he'll use my circumstances to touch some one's life.

Lord, whatever you need to do, do in me.


I'll never be the same again
Hillsong

I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk apart,
I'll run the race
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

There are higher heights,
there are deeper seas,
Whatever you need to do,
Lord do in me.
The Glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

I will never be the same again,
I can never return,
I've closed the door.
I will walk the path,
I will run the race
And I will never be the same again.

Not much to say

except- I'm 7 weeks today!


Hallelujah!

A picture makes it real

I don't know what it is, but I can't stop looking at my ultrasound from yesterday. I realize that there's not an embryo visible, yet. But, looking at my tiny little gestational sac and yolk sac make it so much more real to me.

The reason is this: With all of my miscarriages, I never made it to an ultrasound, never saw my baby on the screen, never saw any sacs, never saw any physical evidence that my babies existed. I remember feeling weird that I had kept my old pregnancy tests (one from each m/c baby). But, it was my only "proof" that I was pregnant. It was my only physical element for me to say "I had a baby inside of my womb".

So, this gestational sac and yolk sac on my ultrasound is just beautiful. It may not be what the dr.'s want it to be right now, but its a sight for sore eyes. Regardless of what happens, I'll have this picture to hold onto. I'll have this tiny glimpse of my baby.

For that, I'm so thankful.

Fear

Its so hard, sometimes, to not be fearful. Especially when it seems we're surrounded by bad news or circumstances. Cancer, infant death, the swine flu, car accidents, etc. Or, in my case, miscarriage.

I'm fearful today. I woke up panicked that something happened to the baby. I haven't felt sick yet today, and other pregnancy symptoms don't seem to be bothering as much today, either. Some pregnant women would rejoice in that. It petrifies me.

Even though I am afraid, I know that the bible says that God has not given us a spirit of fear! (2 Timothy 1:7)

God will hold my hand!

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

He will never forsake me!

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

He will guard my heart and mind, and give me peace!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).



“I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4)

He will deliver me from my fear!

Way back Whensday, (plus sad news, good news, and MORE!)

First, let me start off with my way back whensday post (I promise that I'll give you what you're looking for here in a minute!)

My friend Raechel, who is a chatty (or wordy, in the blog world) kind of person thought that it was too difficult to post a Silent Sunday or Wordless Wednesday. So, she came up with the idea of Way Back Whensday. Its a chance to show off fun old pictures, but with words!

So, Here I go! Senior picture day!

This was actually my favorite of all of my senior pictures. Sepia was just starting to become "popular" and I had never seen anyone's senior pictures with that effect. Black and White, yes. Sepia- no. (keep in mind that this was 1999- the summer before my senior year.)

I look so young, and skinny!

I about died when the photographer wanted me to be "serious". If you know me, I tend to NOT be serious.

Lastly- here's a cheerleading picture from my senior year. I include it because it reminds me of something. I broke my foot in November of 1999. Right before my ACTs, my school musical, (in which I had a major role) and my cheerleading pictures. If you look closely, you can see my cast on my left foot (the one facing the camera). Ah, good times.

I'll start with the sad news, now. Today is a due date. A due date of one of my miscarriage babies. Those due date deals are so difficult. Really, they are. Even though I'm pregnant again, I still miss that baby that was due today. I'll always miss him/her. We love you and miss you, little one!







Now, the GOOD news, I'm elated with the information that Dr. H called with. My beta hcg was 600 today! (woot, woot!) Almost triple what it was on Monday! They said that everything is looking GREAT and that I don't have to go back in until Monday morning. Yay! YAY!

I'm ecstatic, elated, delighted, tickled pink, happy, and hopeful. But, at the same time, there's this lingering fear that something will still happen. I've never made it past 5 weeks with my other babies (minus my two living children, of course) and I'm not there yet. There's this fear that still lingers, tempting me to give in and give up my joy. But, I will hold onto the promise that God has given me. He will give me the peace I need.