Life got busy and I have less to type

I got a notification today that I had 3 comments awaiting moderation.  Honestly, I had kind of forgot about my blog.  Not in a "oh, what's a blog?" kind of way.  More like a "life got so busy, any thoughts I have are usually immediately needed, not stored up for writing" kind of way.  So, maybe not forgot, and more of just "used up".

I've been following this doula group on Facebook lately, and one of their big pushes is to publish blog posts for your business.  I've sort of flittered around with the idea for a few days now.  But, then I would have to start a new blog account and come up with content. Content that I feel confident enough about to put on my business page! (that is the real problem there!)  I would also like to include some of my old posts from this blog, but not all (I don't think prospective clients really need to read about all of the deep, dark, loss stuff that we went through unless they NEED to read it.  Know what I mean?)

Then, there's the time.  I have no idea where to find the time.  Or create the time.  O has two nights of ballet, little E has one night, A has 5 baseball games this week from tuesday to friday!  Plus, I have to get to the gym to stay, you know, healthy and stuff.  We have small group, and I have doula meetings three days this week.  Plus, waiting on two mammas to birth.  I know every one has their "busy", and this is a list of mine.  But, I have been feeling the pull to start doing a little more in the business area of my business. 

Any of you have business blogs?  Any tips?

5 things

5 things:

1. We are just a few short weeks away from a trip to Disney World.  I would say we are excited, but lately, only some of us have shown interest.  E and I have decided it would be best to have some "practice" walks around the neighborhood, the local trails, and walking to and from school.  That way, when the big week comes, the little legs and bodies are a tiny bit more used to walking and standing for longer periods.  Of course, a few of the children seem to think its a form of torture.  The same children who run down the street with their friends or ride their bikes for hours.  Clearly they have aversions to physical activity. We are missing school, so there's prep work for the older kids.  Requiring that they turn in some work early and do homework that's due that week while doing homework for this week.  I'm sure you can guess how that's going.  But, hey, Disney is the most magical place on earth.  Or, as Jim Gaffigan says, "imagine you're standing in line at the DMV".   Seriously, though, I'm excited!

2.  I used to follow a blog, that was in my reader.  The last time I checked my blog list (which it, admittedly, had been an eternity since I had last checked it.) this particular blog had changed from what it was (a fun, give away blog with etsy listings) to a porno blog.  Here's the thing, I cannot get that blog off my reader!  When I go to my blog lists, its no longer listed there!  Yet, its feed shows up every.dang.time.  What?!?  No, I'm not really interested in that. Thank-you-very-much.

3.  Eliza is a crazy girl when she's tired.  Like, certifiably cray-cray.  She is incredibly naughty and gets into trouble.  My gym's personal trainer hosts a free boot camp three days a week.  The trainer convinced me last week to try it.  Its at an awkward time (8:30) so I always have my little kids.  Last week went great.  The kids played on the other side of the tennis courts on their respective scooters.  Eliza on the three wheeled one and Isaac on the razor.  I didn't go back last week because I had a birth I was at.  Isaac has been asking me every day since then, so I decided to give it a go again today.  I have to throw in here that, in the last week, Eliza has learned how to ride the razor scooter and wants nothing to do with the three wheeled one.  Of course we currently only have one razor.  Today's boot camp, my children fought over who got to ride the razor scooter.  Or, rather, Eliza screamed at Isaac every time it was his turn.  I had to keep taking breaks to deal with them.  On top of that, at one point Eliza lost control of her scooter and ran into the man next to me while he was doing push-ups!  So, not only did I get all sweaty for what amounted to be a 10 minute work out in between children chasing, I also was humiliated and felt terrible for the man next to me.  I think its safe to say that I'm finished with boot camp.  At least until Eliza gets her own razor scooter...

4.  Its been a year since I felt my first super bad knee pains during a run.  A year ago I thought it was a shoe and over-use issue.  Maybe am IT band issue.  Not so much.  A year later, and I'm mostly better pain-wise, but still unable to run.  Its been so emotionally draining.  But, I am enjoying other things more, like boot camp. (Well, until today.)

5.  I always thought that as the children got older, things would get easier around the house.  Things would calm down.  Clearly, I had no idea how older children want to be in activities and how activities are time eaters.  Especially when multiple kids are doing activities, even if its only one each.  Y'all, I thought I used to be tired.  I had.no.id.ea.

Crazy cat lady

I would apologize for not blogging in several months, but...its life.  Ya know?

What brought me back was actually a google search.  I typed in "turning down doula clients", sort of looking for professional wording to do that exact thing.  My OWN blog popped up.  In it, I mention having around 1 client a month.  Wow.  That was a LONG time ago.  Or, it feels like it was.

In October, I have 4 clients.  Thankfully, one of them already gave birth (in one of my favorite births so far.  If every birth could be that perfect...) but I have 3 more left.  2 of them are due in the next few days.  Of course, if I let it, I start getting anxiety with the timing of those births.  What if they go at the same time?  What if I'm at a birth during Eliza's birthday party? (total rabbit train, but, guys, she's going to be TWO next week!!)  What if I have a birth every weekend and I can't get in my long runs.

Long runs you say?  Oh, yeah.  I've been training for a half marathon.  For several months now.  Which, who knows if I'll even be able to run said race.  I hurt my knee Saturday running 12 miles (another aside- did you know I WALKED the mile in high school.  yeah.  I did.  And that same lady/girl ran 12 miles Saturday.)  somewhere around mile 10.  But, I was two miles from my car.  I had to get there some way or another.  You probably know all of this if you're my face book friend.  Since, I basically had a breakdown there about my knee.

I had another break down last night.  I was at the counter, making dinner.  E tried to hug me, but when I'm stressed (which I was) I don't like to be touched.  He asked why I was stressed and asked what he could do.  My answer went like this:

"well, I am overwhelmed.  I'm trying to make dinner and Isaac and Eliza are fighting for a turn to watch and help me.  I have to make something separate for Eliza and I tonight, so have to make two different dinners.  I'm sick of making two different dinners.  The kids never eat theirs anyway.  The kids never listen.  They left their stuff all over when they got home.  This house is a mess.  There are things everywhere.  We're having small group here tonight and there's crumbs all over the rug.  2 of my clients are due this weekend, and I need them to go at different times, but not on top of each other.  Then again, I don't even know if I can DO my job with the way my knee hurts.  My knee hurts so bad.  I'm scared I'm not going to be able to run my half.  What if I have to stop running for a long time?!?  I'm going to gain weight."

E's response:  "well, I can vacuum the rug."

Which, really, is about the only thing in that long list of things that any of us can control, right?

My first 10k

Back in February, I ran my first 10k.  

I was number two. (a last name with the first letters "ab" is hard to beat.)

I ran with a bunch of friends.

Most of which passed me.

So I hung out with my pregnant friend.  I made sure she drank water and took a couple of walking breaks.  Because I'm that awesome of a doula.  (I can see my new advertisement now.  "If you hire me as your doula, I will run a 10k with you and make sure you stay healthy during your run!"  Okay.  Maybe not.)

Said friend tells me that 1/2 marathons are fun.  I blame her for my new training regimen.  (Or, I will blame her when I have to run 8 miles 7 weeks from now and 14 miles on week 15.)  

The pretty cool news.  I came in 16th in my age group, with a time of 1:03. (I was 149 overall, with 210 finishers.  So, solidly in the middle.  Where I like to be.)

Thailand, half marathons, doula stuff

Well, I'm officially "out there" as a doula. I ordered a shirt and everything.  I've had an average of a birth a month, (2 in may!) and I've been going on more interviews.  The awesome thing, right now, is that I can pretty much work with most of the people who want to hire me.  I haven't had to turn someone down due to over scheduling, yet.  (although, I did turn someone down for a home birth.  Which, just killed me.  I just can't do it while midwife assisted births are still illegal in Alabama.  Once that's legal, I'm all over it!)

I'm super excited because my next client who is due is attempting a VBAC!  VBACs are especially dear to me because of my own VBAC experiences with my 3 youngest.  Its not that every vaginal birth isn't special, its just that there's this amazing realization for a VBAC mom when she has her first (and second and third) baby vaginally that she's not "broken".



So, speaking of doula stuff, I have to already start thinking about how close to our Thailand trip I'll take clients.  (Did you know E and I are going to Thailand??  For our 10th anniversary trip, even though it'll be close to 11 years.)  We've started looking at hotels and are likely going in February.  One of my dear friends is pregnant and due in the beginning.  She hasn't asked me to be her doula, nor do I expect her to, but I want to make sure we're around if she needs anything from us.

There's this super long list of things I'd like to do before we go to Thailand.  Thankfully, "lose weight" isn't on my list this year, (I hit 1 year as a life time member of Weight Watchers this week.) But, odder things made the list.  Things that likely won't happen, but its a dream list.  Here it is:

1. Get Lasik.  I was going to get it done last year, but was hesitant to do it while I was still nursing Eliza.  I'm still nursing her now, but will likely stop some time around age 2.  Or will be down enough to go ahead with the surgery.  I keep thinking about how nice it would be to not have to deal with contacts, cases, solution on a 40 hr trip over there and back.  Plus, you know, not having to worry about salt water in my contact in the ocean.

2.  Buy a super hot, non-momish, bathing suit that covers my stretch marked stomach. (Unless we some how hit the lotto and I get a tummy tuck and breast lift.)

3. Get a bikini wax.  I've heard the more times you go, the longer it stays away and it hurts less.  Not sure if I buy that, but I'm thinking about giving it a go.

4. Have bunion surgery.  See.  I told you it was a weird list. My bunion on my right foot has been hurting.  It goes through spurts of hurting/not hurting.  Its on a hurting spurt now.  It hurts most after I run or walk long distances. Obviously, we'll likely be doing some walking on our trip.  I'd love to be pain free.



Running.  Yeah.  I just put it out to the world via instagram that I'm planning on running a half marathon in the fall.  I started training yesterday.  I know.  Its crazy.  I am not a runner.  Or, that's what I always thought.  If my life was a newspaper, this story would read "girl who passed out at track meet and quit attempts to run a half marathon at age 31."

After training for my 10k, and not dying, or even feeling the need to die, I started to believe in myself a little.  Maybe I am a runner.  If I can run 6.2 miles with out much struggle, maybe I can run  8.  Or 10. Maybe I can run 13.1.  If I can't, at least I can say I tried, right?

Birth Ball Cover tutorial

I won't go into a lengthy introduction here.  This tutorial has a very specific audience.  I get that.  But, I know there's a need for this out there.  When I was looking to make one for the birth ball I carry to births, I could only find pictures of covers or very simplistic instructions (ex, "1 yard of fabric to make a birth ball cover", with no details beyond that.)  I bought myself some super cheap, and highly discounted, fabric to play around with and here's what I came up with.

Supplies:

Scissors

Sewing Machine or needle and thread

Coordinating thread

1 yard of stretchy fabric (I used jersey knit)

elastic cut to a little less than the circumference of your ball (the width of the elastic itself is determined to your preference.  I did one cover with 1/4" and one with 1/8" elastic)

1. Wash and dry your fabric

2. Fold your fabric horizontally, like a hamburger (versus a hot dog  Not sure where I got those analogies) with the right sides of the fabric facing each other.

3. Sew each of the sides shut with a straight stitch.

4. If you desire, go back over each seam and do a quick zig zag stitch. 

5. You now have a large "pillow case".  It should look like the picture below. 

6. Take your elastic and use it to measure around the widest part of your ball.  Really stretch it here. It just barely has to fit over this part of the ball for the cover. 

7. Create a casing for your elastic. Fold the fabric 3/4", so the wrong sides are facing each other (the cover is still inside out at this point) and sew all the way around, making sure to leave a small section open to insert your safety pin and elastic. (If you're using anything but a jersey knit fabric, you may have to fold over a 1/4" first, then fold over 1/2" to create a clean edge then sew your casing.  Jersey knit doesn't fray.)

8. Insert your elastic (not pictured).  I take a safety pin, attach it to my elastic, and thread it through the tube I created.  When its all the way in, sew the elastic together, snip any left over threads,  and stitch the opening closed.

9. Turn your cover right side out and shimmy it over the ball.  It should look like this: 

See why we wanted the elastic tight?

10. With the elastic part of the cover on the floor, find your side seams.  Pick them up at the "corners". (Sorry about the blurry.  Its hard to get a birth ball to hang perfectly still.)

11. Overlap the corners, pin, and sew on both sides of the pin.

12. You're done!  Hurrah!

right now

I'm in my pajamas.
Its 9:16.  Its a little late for jammies, but I'm calling it a "jammy day", at least for now.
Making small piles for our trip to Michigan.
I'm writing a to-do list on a piece of paper that has a rhino on it holding a balloon.  It adds character.
I'm freaking a little anxious about the timing of my next client's birth. E is going to be going out of town a lot the next few weeks.  You know, during her 38-40 weeks, of course.
Adding "find back up child care" to my rhino list.
Scouring pinterest for ideas for road trips.
Drinking coffee that's a touch too cold.
Wondering if its too late for breakfast.
Maybe I'll just have a brunch.
Listening to Eliza play in her room and talk to her babies via the monitor.
Almost dying from the cute.
Have a heating pad wrapped around my middle.
Certain that sometimes I hate being a woman.
Contemplating an ablation or hysterectomy when we're *sure we're finished having babies (*which is how, by the way?!?)

providential good fortune

I went to a small Christian school for my high school years.  We had this really neat guy for our bible teacher.  He was very thought provoking, to the point where it was sometimes frustrating. (at the time, though, I always thought he was argumentative.  Now, I see he was trying to get us to explore our own belief system and not the belief system of our parents.)

Anyway, one of his big beefs was with the word "luck" and how often we use it.  He preferred  instead, to use the term "providential good fortune!"  Meaning the care of God in your life, resulting in something good. 

At the time, I sort of thought it was silly.   All caught up in semantics.  If what I intend doesn't change with the words I use, what difference does it make? 

This past week, I some how stumbled upon a website called doula match.  Its a website that matches up local doulas with clients.  Its free, though they ask for donations.  I usually am pretty skeptical of things like that.  But this time I thought "meh.  why not?  I doubt I'll get any calls from this, but I'll put it out there."

I had my information on for all of two days before I got my first response.  An email from some one looking for a doula for her hopeful VBAC in June (um, score!  This is totally one of my passions!) With in a few days, I also received a phone call from another woman interested in my services, who was referred to me by Glenni, who runs A Nurturing Moment (a baby/maternity boutique here in town.) and the blog where I posted on MSPI.   The same day, I was contacted by another woman who found me on Doula Match.

This weekend I met with two of the three women, and I felt like we really hit it off.  I'm hoping they thought so, too, and I can get this doula train a going. ;)

 I can see the hand of God guiding me where he wants me to be.  I don't know if I'll be a doula for years and years, but, right now, I am certain this is what I'm supposed to do now.  Its a pretty freeing feeling.  I'd say I was feeling lucky, but I am really feeling providential good fortune. 

Little E's birth story- an outside perspective

I asked my friend, D, who was at Eliza's birth, to write a birth story for me.  One, because it's sometimes tricky to really remember things correctly in your own birthing mind.  Pain tends to blur the boundaries of time.  3 minutes seem like 30.  It's neat, and special, to have another view of Eliza's birth to post here, and to put in her scrapbook to read when she's older.

I may interject with my own personal thoughts through out her narrative.  Maybe throw in some pictures, too. :)  I hope you don't mind, D.


There's something really special about watching a new person join the world. I was lucky enough to have T at my birth with C and part of my labor with Miss L and she was kind enough to let me join her and E for her labor & delivery with Miss E.

I can't say that I wasn't nervous, because although T is my closest friend, I've never actually seen a birth before. Also, I have absolutely no experience helping people (besides myself) through having a baby!! I was hoping I would end up being some help, or at least a distraction. (in a good way!) I knew that at the very least, I could take some pictures!

Poor T had contractions for days (not even exaggerating!) and when she texted me that night that she was going to the hospital to be checked, I had a feeling that she would be staying. I got dressed (yes, I was in my pajamas) and waited to hear from her. When she texted again she said she was about a 7-8 and was staying. I think that was about 8:30 PM and I was ready to go! I got to the hospital around 9, maybe a little later... I really can't remember. (you have a good memory, D!  I just checked my texts and you asked for my room number at 9:10)

T had had her water broken by the time I got there and the contractions were painful. We chatted a bit, and she was doing great breathing through the contractions. We talked about names, I think, but I still didn't know what they were going to choose. In my head, I thought they would pick the name Amelia so it was a lovely surprise when I heard her real name!

Then, transition hit. How do I know? Because T said she couldn't breathe and was going to die. I know that feeling and you really think that you will die.  (T here again. Seriously.  There's no way to explain it to someone else.  You just have to experience it to know that you really think you might die.)  I have to say that T's husband E did an excellent job of coaching her. There were a couple of times during the night that E turned very pale, but he sipped some soda and seemed to recover just fine. He tried to make sure that getting an epidural was what she really wanted, and I tried to mostly stay out of the way. I know from my own experience that when I felt like dying I really didn't care about a drug free birth, or my husband, who else was in the room or anything but making the pain stop or getting the baby out. NOW.

At this point I felt like I was mostly just getting in the way. (You weren't!) I couldn't think of one good thing to say or do that would actually be helpful so I erred on the side of trying not to annoy anyone. Now I know how my husband must have felt when I was in transition!

I'm sure it felt like an eternity, but from the time the nurse (who was very good, by the way) went to get the anesthesiologist and the time he got there, it could not have been more than 10 minutes. He was very friendly, and thankfully for T, very fast. I tried not to watch the epidural all that much, because I saw the needle and it looked... really big.

My curiosity got the best of me and I did watch a little. It was interesting, being on the other side of it and just getting to watch. It was at this point that I was pretty glad I wouldn't be having any more babies!

I simply cannot recall what time it was when T got the epidural, but it was definitely at some point after 10 PM. Maybe 10:30? I'm sure T remembers better because that was probably when she realized she wasn't going to die after all. I could tell instantly when the medicine hit her. She could breathe again and open her eyes and the contractions were bearable, although still obviously painful.

It wasn't that much later that T said Miss E was coming. At this point I was really trying to stay out of the nurses and doctor's way (There are a lot of people in there during a delivery. A fact I never noticed nor cared about when I was on the delivering end.) and have my camera ready. Some of my favorite pictures are those that T took for me during C's birth, and I wanted to get some for her.
I remember at some point the doctor said "Don't push!" and T assured them she wasn't. (I wasn't!) It was clear Miss E had taken her sweet time getting to the labor stage, but now she was ready to come out and she wasn't waiting! It seemed like there was basically no pushing and there she was! A sweet, screaming, dark haired little beauty! At this point I changed my mind and I was quite sad that I wouldn't be having any more babies.

It was still before 11PM - 10:53 I think? - when she was born. E cut the cord and they whisked her away to be weighed and measured and cleaned up a bit. (Did I tell you that this is the FIRST child he's ever cut the cord with?  He thought since she was probably our last he should do it once.)She screamed a lot for a newborn; I think she just wanted her mommy. It's amazing to think about meeting a little person that just 9 months ago, didn't even exist. A brand new little miracle!

I think it was while you were taking these pictures, D, that you kept telling me she had hair, but I didn't believe you.

 Birth is a lot of things; painful, messy, uncontrollable, amazing, & miraculous! I feel pretty blessed to have been able to experience it in a new way. Thank you, T & E, for sharing it with me!


Thanks, D, for being such an amazing friend and writing a birth story for me!  I can't imagine anyone better to share the birth of our daughter with! Muah!

Why I'm convinced it's important to wait until 39 weeks

Before I start this post, I want to put a disclaimer.  This is, obviously, just my personal opinion.  I realize that I have very strong feelings in regard to inductions over all.  I also realize that there are medically necessary inductions/Cesarean sections.  Those are not included in my feelings or opinions.  I am strictly referring to planned inductions or c/s based on convenience.  Even then, I'm not saying "don't get induced!" I'm just saying "wait until 39 weeks!"

Ideas in the medical community seem to change rapidly.  Especially when it comes to children/babies/pregnancy.  Put them on their tummies to sleep.  No, wait.  Put them on their backs.  Keep them rear facing until age one.  Now, it's age two.

These changes are important.  They keep our children safe.  For example, we no longer have to worry about our child being thrown through the car window in an accident on the way home from the hospital because we have infant car seats.  We know to buckle them up before we head out and to make sure they are in a 5 point harness until certain age and weight.

Here's a newer recommendation that you may not have heard of, though.  The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recommends that no elective delivery should be performed before the gestational age of 39 weeks. 

The reasoning for the recommendation is for the safety of mother and baby.  studies report rates of 28–35.8% of elective deliveries occurring before 39 weeks and reveal that they also contribute to increased rates of late-preterm births These deliveries are associated with increased neonatal morbidity, neonatal intensive care unit admissions, and associated hospital costs compared to deliveries occurring at 39–40 weeks. (taken from this website.)

In regular people terms, they found it causes more breathing issues and deaths in babies when they are "forced" to come before 39 weeks, (and, again, we're obviously NOT talking about pregnancies with health concerns for momma or baby here.)


This recommendation has even changed since O's birth. I was induced with her at 38 weeks (of course, one could argue that I was 5 cm dilated, 70% effaced, I was contracting, and she was very low. My OB's conclusion was that I may not make it to the hospital in time. Therefore, it would be under the ACOG's list of "okay to induce". But, I still believe her breathing issues stemmed from her c/s and being forced out before she was completely ready.)

Now, my last three children have entered this world on their own timing.  A was 38 weeks, Isaac was 37, and Eliza was 39.  I can tell you, from experience, that Eliza is, by far, more "advanced" at 4 weeks than my other kids.  When I say "advanced" I don't mean that she's talking in full sentences.  I mean that E and I have noticed a marked difference in several things when we compare her to the other kids.

1. How alert she is when she's awake
2. How well and fast she nurses
3. How she's able to hold her head up sooner/more
4. How she cries a lot less
5. How she just "looks" older



Eliza at 2.5 weeks

Now, obviously, these are in no way medical issues that would be a cause for concern in a 37 weeker versus a 39 weeker.  But, I firmly believe that a lot of these things are due to the fact that her brain is more mature.  I mean, if you figure it all out, she's really 2 weeks "older" or "more mature" than Isaac and Olivia were at this same out-of-the-womb-age.  She's had more time for her nervous system to mature.

So, there you have it.  My soap box post for the month.  Let your babies pick their own birthday if you can.  If not, wait until they are 39 weeks before you induce.  Their little baby brains will thank you.

A birth story

Where do I begin the story of Eliza's birth?  The Thursday before, when I went to the hospital with contractions then got sent home later when they stopped?  Probably not, but E tells me I can "count" all of those painful hours when I tell Eliza about her birth when she's older.

Monday morning, the 17th of October, I had a dr. appointment.  At my appointment, I was 4 cm dilated and 70% effaced.  (which was improvement from Friday morning when I was only 2.5cm.)  Dr. C. thought she'd see me later that evening.

I had contractions all day Monday, and all night Monday night.  When I say all night, I mean ALL. NIGHT. LONG.  They were about every 10 to 15 minutes apart and painful when I was laying down. 

Tuesday rolled around and I was still contracting every 10ish minutes.  More often when I was standing or walking around, and a little less often when I was sitting. 

I actually decided to go to bible study, since I couldn't really do anything at home but sit there and pray little girl came out soon.  Half way through, though, I got very tired and decided to head home early. 

I laid down for a nap when Isaac did, but continued to have contractions.  Still the same strength and no closer together. 

E happened to forget that Tuesday is dance for O, so I took all 3 kids to dance class.  During the class, I took the boys to Walmart to 1. get out of the dance studio, and 2. get some groceries.  While we were there, my contractions started to hurt a little more and a little more.  However, they weren't any closer together.

When we all got home, I was close to tears. (okay, I was IN tears.)  I was so tired from not sleeping and contracting all day.  I decided to call my doula to see if she had any suggestions for stopping the contractions.  (unfortunately, she was at the beach...)  She suggested I take a bath and see if it slowed the contractions down or sped them up.  I took a hot bath and nothing happened.  Contractions were still the same.  My doula then suggested I go get checked at the hospital.  Just in case.

But, I didn't want to go to the hospital.  Again. And get sent home.  Again. 

At this point, I did what every grown woman would do.  I called my mommy, sobbing.  I was just so dang tired.  She prayed with me and for me to have wisdom to know what to do (wait it out or go get checked.)

After a few more contractions, I decided we should probably go in to get checked.  We called my IL's again, and headed to the hospital. 

When we got there, it was crowded and we had to wait a little bit long time. While we were waiting, I noticed my contractions seemed to have slowed down.  A lot.  Like I only had one or two while we were waiting.  I looked at E and told him "I think we're definitely going home."

My name was finally called.  We went back with the nurse and the first thing I told her was that she was probably going to have to send me home since my contractions had stopped.  I told her if I was the same as the day prior, I wanted to go home- and maybe with some Ambien to help me sleep if needed.

The nurse started checking me at 8:20.  She got a very puzzled look on her face, like something was wrong.  She picked up her phone and called the night shift's head nurse.  She says "It feels like my patient is almost complete.  can you come check?"  What??  While she was continuing to check I had a contraction.  Then she says to us "oh, I guess when you contract you're a loose 7 to 8. You're not going home."

I couldn't believe it.

I called my friend Devan to come to the hospital.  (I had originally waited to call her until we knew what was going on, if they were going to keep me or send me home.  Especially after thursday's events.) 

The dr. on call came in to chat with us around 8:45.  I asked how long my body could contract only every 15 minutes.  How long would it take to deliver.  She said it could go on a very long time.  She couldn't be sure.  I decided to go ahead and have my water broken.

I completely forgot how bad it hurts with contractions after your water is broken in comparison to before.  If you don't know or remember-it's bad.

My body quickly went from barely contracting to having contractions every minute, then having them right on top of each other with a 5 second break.  It's somewhere around here that I decided I was dying.  (I now know it was transition, but it really was almost unbearable.)  I went ahead and screamed at told the nurse I wanted my epidural.  (I was dilated to a 9 at this point.)

(a side note: E was trying to talk me out of the epidural, since he knew I wanted to have a natural birth.  Devan was telling me she knew what it felt like to almost die.   I just wanted it to stop.  I believe one of my comments during this time was "Who's bright idea was it to do this naturally anyway?")

Those few minutes from the time I asked until the time it came were the longest of my life. (I was recounting it later and told E it seemed like 30 minutes.  He said, in reality, it was about 5.) After the epidural was all in, I was still having a lot of pain with my contractions.  The dr., who was still there, said that was because I got the epidural at 9cm versus 5cm, etc. 

Somewhere around 10:45, I was having some pressure with my contractions, but not constant pressure.  I thought we should let the nurse know.  The dr. came back in and checked me.  I told her that it was hurting.  The dr. said "that's because she's ready to come out."  While the nurse put my legs in the right places and the dr. was getting dressed, it started to hurt really bad.  The dr. glanced over and said "ha!  that's because she's half out!  don't push!"

Now, there's a phrase I've heard in prior birth experiences.  And, it's a big.fat.joke.  I wasn't pushing.  I was contracting.  The baby was just coming out.

Luckily, the dr. was in the room, so she came over to talk to me and told me to go ahead and push whenever I felt like pushing.  I gave a push, and the pain was so intense. (I asked later about the pain, and my OB said, again, it was the time issue.  the epidural just didn't have a lot of time to get into my system.) I was certain that if I continued to push, I'd tear like I did with Isaac (super bad, people.  I won't go into detail, but 30+ stitches.) I asked if she could give me a small episiotomy (my regular OB and I had talked about this prior to my pushing.  that was our original plan to avoid the damage I had with Zeke.) She gave me a tiny little cut, and the baby came sliding out.

Now, when I look back on those last few minutes, it seems like it took forever.  In reality, E said it was 3 minutes from my first push to birth.  3 minutes. Total time from getting into my room to birth: 2 hours and 33 minutes.

so, yeah.  Maybe it was a good thing I went in and got "checked".

Welcome to the world, Eliza Claire!

Her cry was so loud!  Several nurses commented on her "set of lungs"

She was still mad.  We found out a few minutes later it was because she had pooped and peed.

Cleaned up and ready to eat.

All settled in our room, and just had a snack.

Back and Forth

Yesterday I had my 36 week appointment with my OBGYN.  Overall, it went well.  Everything looked good. Lost 1.5 pounds, and my uterus still measured 36 weeks (I measured the same 2 weeks ago.)

My OB, of course, is leaving on Sunday, the 2nd, and won't be back until the 10th.  To sort of make a long story short-(ish) I'll just say that we both REALLY want her to be at my birth for several reasons.

My dr. was really hoping that I'd be dilated some yesterday, so that I can come back in on Thursday or Friday and maybe do a little stretching and get things going and started, possibly having baby girl come this weekend.  It wasn't really unrealistic, since I was dilated with O and I at 36 weeks.  (I can't remember with A.  How bad is that?!?!?)

When my dr. walked into my room she says "I want you to either be closed, or like an eight or something."  She was kidding.  Sort of.  She then says "but I doubt you will be.  I'm guessing a 3." That was my guess, too. 

Turns out, I was closer to a closed than we thought I would be.  I was a finger tip to 1.  She couldn't tell super well because my cervix was very posterior and hard to reach.  Since my OB is going out of town, I didn't really want to "make her" reach or even try to stretch me.  There's no point, really. 

Here's where I go back and forth.  Part of me feels like I totally read my body wrong, and I feel stupid for thinking I was dilated more. (Stupid, I know, but true.)  That same part of me feels slightly disappointed that we likely won't have a baby this weekend.  That same part that is happy with my weight gain RIGHT.THIS.MINUTE. and doesn't really want to gain any more.

The other part?  The other part is glad.  The other part knows this is the last time I'll likely ever be pregnant.  The last time I'll ever feel a little person move inside of me.  That other part is glad, too, since our family is just getting over a tummy bug (everyone but me got sick.  amazing!) and we have a few home improvement projects we'd like to accomplish this weekend.

Then there's this middle part.  Or maybe it's back to the first part of me, I'm not sure.  But, I just have this feeling that this little girl is going to come when my OB is gone.  It may not be in the beginning of her trip, but it may be on the last day (or two.)  That's kind of a negative part, huh?  I know it's pessimistic.  I know.  But, I keep trying to figure out what I have to do in order to have the birth I want and have the level of medical intervention I need with out having those two things get confused by the on call dr.  The good thing is that my doula should be able to help me with some of that.

Did you follow me on all of that?  I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.  Heck, I can barely follow my own thoughts.

I have no energy nor desire

I want to relay some information for those of you who care.  However, I'm not feeling so hot right now.  I've got a sore throat and a headache.  So, instead of a well-put together post, you get bullets.  Or asterisks.

*My good friend Devan (I'd link up to her blog if I wasn't so lazy) threw me an ah-mazing baby shower yesterday.  It was just unbelievable.  Cute decorations, awesome food, fun friends, and amazing gifts.  On top of all of that, she made me a diaper cake AND got me a massage gift certificate.  I think I love her. (Well, I already knew I did, but it just reinforced it.)

*I had a panic moment in my bathroom yesterday, getting ready for the shower.  I kept thinking "no one will show up".  I asked E when I'd stop caring if people like me.  He replied "I don't think YOU ever will."  Fine.  I see your point.

*Thankfully, almost everyone showed up.  Which was just wonderful, since I haven't seen a few of those girls in ages.  It was so wonderful and I left feeling so loved and blessed to have such amazing women in my life.

*Today was doctor appointment day.  I had an OB appointment at 9, and Zeke had a sick visit at 11:30.  We left the house at 8, and didn't get back until 12:30.

*I rested for a few minutes after I got Isaac into bed for a nap.  When he woke up, my throat was SO sore, and I had/have a bad headache.  Of course, this happened AFTER we went to the dr.  Sheesh.

*Good news, over all, from the OB.  Baby girl is head down, and her head is low.  Yippee!  I was a little afraid, for a while, that she might be transverse.  The last few days, I have felt her hiccups down low, so I was feeling a tad better.  But, it's good to know that she is, in fact, head down.

*Baby girl must have had a growth spurt.  Last appointment I gained zero pounds in two weeks.  This appointment, I gained 4 lbs AND measured 2.5 weeks ahead.  (Last week, I was about .5 weeks "behind" .  which, really isn't "behind".  I know, its confusing.)  I refuse to think that the weight gain was from my eating of baby shower cake yesterday.  nope.  can't be. ;)

*Unfortunately, it seems as if my upper back pain is likely to be a kidney stone.  Fun.  I mean, it's not completely a surprise.  I had 2 with O's pregnancy, a few after that, and one during Isaac's pregnancy.  But, it just isn't my favorite past time.  I did get a script for Percacet if I need it.  If I don't have any issues before the baby is born, we'll just use it after delivery.

*I hired my doula.  Did I tell you guys that?  She's awesome.  I met with her a few weeks ago with Isaac in tow so we didn't finish everything.  I can't wait to meet with her again (sans Isaac) and get some more things "planned".

*The weather seems to be cooling down a little bit.  At least our morning walks to school are cooler.  I actually wore a T-shirt today, instead of my usual tank top. I know, I know.  It's down-right chilly. :)

*There are some things going on with O that we could use some prayers for.  It's nothing scary, but definitely things that need to be worked out now, while she's 6.  I'll share in more detail another time. It's the kind of topic that needs an entire blog post.

*My friend Devan and I are going away for a girl's night this Friday.  I cannot wait. 

*we still do not have a name for miss baby.  Ack!

Something I'm passionate about

This will be short and sweet, since I feel like too much on the topic is really unnecessary.

I really, really, really wish that OB's would tell their first time moms the risks of induction. I realize that its more convenient for the patient, and more convenient for the dr.'s to just schedule inductions these days, but you never really hear the statistics of those inductions that end up in c-sections.

I was a "great" candidate for an induction. I was 5cm dilated, and already contracting. They broke my water and started pitocin. I never dilated past 7cm. Even though hind sight is always 20/20, I think that had I waited until my body did its own thing, miss O's birth would've been vaginal and a lot less traumatic.

But, no one told me that an induction has higher possibilities of ending in a c-section.

So, that's all I want. Just for women to KNOW this fact before they sign up for that time slot.

lots to say, no time to say it

There is a lot on my mind right now, and a lot I'd like to say about it. Its about a topic that I'm very passionate about, surronding first time mothers and birth. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to even begin to type it all out, much less get it out RIGHT and the way I want to say it.

So, instead, I'll leave you with a video of Zeke. His talking is just about the highlight of my day.

To support, not save

That's one of the biggest things I took away from my doula workshop that I took in April. My job as a doula is to support the woman in labor, not to save her. But, I have to say that its harder then it sounds.

I thought I'd be good at it, since I'm not super duper anti-meds. I'm okay with a hospital birth (especially since in AL, this is what I'll mainly be working with). I'm okay with an epidural if that's what a client wants. I'm okay with most things that come up if the client wants them.

However, I do have one weak spot. One spot that I get super passionate about. One that makes me tear up when I think about my clients going through it. Can you guess what it is? Those of you who know me personally can probably guess... A C-section.

This is my Achilles heal when it comes to being a support not savior. Because, if I could, I'd save everyone who came in contact with me from this. I really would.

So, when. after 35 hours of laboring with my client (she was 9 cm, but the baby was still at a -1 and her body had stopped contracting on the pitocin), the dr. came in to inform us that she would most likely have to have a c-section, I went into the hall and cried. Me. The doula. I went into the hall and grieved for my client. In that moment, I realized why they told us that phrase- support not save.

If I could've, I would've saved her.

Instead, I realized that no one else in that room could possibly be as good of a support as I could. While I didn't labor nearly as long, I know what it feels like when your body doesn't do what its supposed to do. When things don't go the way you planned. When you realize that they are going to "take" your baby from you instead of birthing it on your own. (And, for the record, I'm mainly talking about this kind of c-section. Not other situations. I'll explain what I mean later...) I have been there. So, I went back in, held her hand and basically told her what to expect. We talked about the c-section itself. We talked about recovery. We talked about how she'd have a baby in just a bit. We laughed about what color of hair we thought she'd have- and if she'd have any.

When we were finished, I went into the hall and called my mom and E. I asked them to please pray that something would happen between that moment and went he dr. came back in. I prayed like crazy. Asking God for a miracle.

You know the neat thing? He answered all of our prayers. He answered them through a nurse. The nurse that, only an hour ago, had written my client off as one who failed to progress. The nurse who told her that things didn't look good. She came back into the room and said- hey, lets try to push with this little contractions and see if I can get you to dilate to a 10. Then, the dr. will give you a bit more time.

This is where it gets cool. She pushed with her tiny contractions, (they turned off her pitocin and started her back again 30 minutes or so later. this helped with the baby contractions) and the nurse worked the cervix over and over again. A little while later, the nurse said she was 10 cm, with a lip. So, my client pushed some more, and the nurse worked some more. After a while, the lip was gone.

The dr. comes in now, checks her pushing, etc. and says "good work! lets keep it up". She pushed for 2.5 hrs. Good, hard, pushes, too! The nurse convinced the dr. to use the vacuum. Two more contractions and the baby was born!

It was such a turn around from 3 hrs prior, that it just took all of our breath away. I mean, we had packed up everything in that room to get ready to go to the OR. Everything! I can't guess what went through that nurse's mind, but I have to believe it was God breathed.

So, that was my experience for the last two days. It was tiring, it was exhausting, but in the end- so worth it.

Before my marathon birth, I had a sprint birth on sunday. I don't want to share too much, since I haven't talked with her about what to share. But, it was a wild and crazy birth! My client did great- got to 10 cm with out medication! Walked into the hospital feeling the urge to push. Baby wasn't really handling the contractions well, and it turns out the baby was breech! So, they did end up doing a c-section. From the time we got to the hospital until the time they did the section was just about an hour! Super fast! The baby was is sweet. Just a doll.

Here's where I'm going to explain what I mean about the c-sections. In the first situation I described, there was a lot of hard work involved. Mom made it to 41 weeks, had to be induced, labored for.ev.er, and was 9cm. So, the c-section would've been because of "failure to progress". That's what I hate. It just feels like its the mom's fault. Her body wouldn't do its thing right, etc. You "failed". I just hate those terms and that kind of c-section. It just makes me sad.

However, when there's an emergency, or breech baby, or other issues that directly link to the mother or baby's health- they don't make me so sad. A section is a good thing in those cases. (Maybe not desirable. I mean, I don't know many moms going in to have a natural childbirth who WANT to end up in a c-section.) I'm not even saying that in the first scenario, that it wouldn't have been necessary or that I think its wrong. It just has a different "feel" to it for me. Because its similar to what I went through, it makes me feel bad.

That's where I have to remember to support and not save. Its not my job to save. I'm just there to hold her hand...

Random

• We went to two, (yes, two) birthday parties today. We called it our Dave Ramsey day because we did not have to eat a single meal at our house (thanks to FPU in the morning, too!)
• I still *feel* pregnant. Those injections are still doing a number on me.
• My friend is due TOMORROW! I extremely anxious waiting, though. Every time my phone rings, I run and get it. It hasn't been her, yet.
• Our community pool opens next weekend. Yippee!
• Eric and I are now making an extra 2.5 mortgage payments a year. We really want to pay off our house early!
• Interestingly enough, I had a conversation today in which a friend proceeded to tell me that she didn't want to pay off her house...Ever. It baffles me, honestly. To me, no house payment would be SO freeing!
• I'm starting to think that I'm not pregnant this month. I'm trying to remain positive, because I have no real reasons to think I'm not. There's just a part of me that goes through this every time- almost to protect myself.
• I'm attending a baby shower next weekend. Honestly, I don't really want to go. Well, I do, but I don't. I want to go to support my friend and be happy for her. I don't want to go because, well, its a baby shower. Baby showers are about the hardest thing out there when dealing with this crap called infertility.
• There is so much pressure out there to send your kids to preschool, it drives me batty! There is NO REASON to send my kids to preschool! None. Please don't lecture me on how they won't be ready for kindergarten. I'm sure I'm not the only mother who doesn't send their 4 year old to 5 half days a week preschool. I Garrrunteee it (in my best southern car sales men's voice- not your husband, Theresa...) And, furthermore, who cares if your kids aren't "learning enough" at their mother's morning out. They're 2!
• Oh, and on that topic: I really wish there were more options for 1/2 day kindergarten around here. I'm not anxious to send O to preschool, and I'm certainly not anxious to send her to full day kindergarten. I'll miss her!
• O and A's hair has started to lighten up. I love it!
• I called a doula friend today about placenta encapsulation. Its for my friend who is due tomorrow. She has just about every risk factor for PP depression there is. Seriously, every one. She's really not into medical stuff. At all. I found out that this placenta deal is supposed to help. ("supposed to" being in quotation marks.) You know, even if its just the placebo effect, I'm cool with that. It can't hurt, right? Anyway, I'll have to do some nasty things to that placenta. Steam it, bake it, grind it.... Yum, right? I think I'll do all of that at HER house, with HER utensils, and HER oven, and HER steamer.
• I go in on monday for a blood draw. Think and pray positive thoughts!

Exciting news!

I can't share too much information, with all of the privacy issues. However, I am here to inform you that I have my very first doula client. She's due VERY soon, like with in days. I am so excited to be sharing this moment with her.

In fact, I was so excited that, even though I took copious amounts of cough syrup (infused with codeine, I might add. I had no idea it had that in it... I was thinking it was just the cough stuff) I was awake most of the night thinking about things I needed to pack in my birth bag, things I needed to talk about with E, and things I needed to discuss with S's mom. Now that I am up out of bed, I feel the copious amounts of cough syrup. I definitely have a cold medicine hang over.

Even with my lack of coordination or ability to stand upright, I'm thrilled to pieces. I'm praying that she goes into labor over the weekend, just because *I* don't want to wait. :)

thoughts

I've had lots of ideas for topics to blog on lately- but no motivation to put those thoughts into words. Well, understandable and fluent words at least. I thought I should at least update so you didn't think I disappeared.

Update 1: O's abdominal x-ray showed an excessive amount of stool in her bowels. We then had to load her up on Miralax until she had a giant poo, then continue on a smaller dose until she sees the GI dr. Since O hasn't been to see Dr. McClellan in over a year, we are now NEW patients. Since we are NEW patients, we have to wait an eternity to get an appointment. First available: June 5! No way in heck I'm making my baby stay on a laxative for 2 mths. I called today and got it moved up to May 6. I'll call next week to see if they've had any additional cancellations.

You know what's funny about it all, though? I used to be petrified to call, well, anyone and ask them to do something for me. Especially in a situation like this, where the "norm" is to wait and I'm asking for a "favor". However, since having children I've gotten over it (along with a lengthy list of other things like a desire for clean floors...) I now have to be an advocate for someone else, not just myself. If I don't make the call, its not just me that suffers, but my child. Motivates me, just a tad. Of course, I still hate doing it. Every single second of it.

Update 2: Its been an interesting few days on the TTC front. The injection I gave myself on saturday evening was supposed to force my body to ovulate sunday or early monday morning. Yesterday afternoon I was still feeling bloated and very tender near my ovaries. I came to the conclusion that I did in fact ovulate the egg from the large follicle, but there were several others that were smaller- just having fun. I think those "fun" ones were the culprit of yesterday's pain. I'm feeling much better today. yay!

Since the night of the injection I've been having a tingling feeling in my left foot. Like its almost falling asleep- but not quite. I called the Dr. H and he said it is not a side effect of the Ovidrel. If it continues, I'll have to see my family practitioner. Yippee. Another dr.'s appointment. Right now, its not painful- just bothersome.

Update 3: I'm starting to get a little nervous about my doula training. Its in less than a week! 4 days away! E isn't being super supportive of it all right now. He's upset that I spent so much money on it. Meanwhile, I'm scared I won't know where to go, I'll get lost, I'll be late, I won't understand, I won't have anyone to talk to or eat lunch with. I feel like I'm in junior high again! Bring on the "getting to an exam with out knowing the information" or "going to class with out shoes" nightmares. I'm sure my subconscious will have a hay day with this!

At the same time, I'm super excited! My friend Raechel is letting me stay with her, (thank you Rae! You are so great!) and hopefully we'll be able to spend at least a few minutes catching up. I'm excited to learn more about being a doula and be able to grow in my passion for all things baby related. yay!

This post has officially taken me about 3 hours to complete. ha! NOW I know why I haven't posted in a while. Its not a lack of words, its a lack of time to form a complete thought!

Happy tuesday, my friends.