"When I'm finally ready to have a baby, will you carry it for me? I don't want to get fat."
"Tracy has a butt-load of kids."
"You want MORE kids? why?" (I'm really just greedy.)
"Three kids is definitely one too many."
"I love Western Medicine too much to have a natural child-birth." (this one still baffles me... How about you just say you wanted an epidural because childbirth hurts like the dickens. Let's be honest.)
"You're still nursing?"
A few from this week:
"You breastfed your son for HOW long?" (I rarely even mention this unless directly asked. I got tired of the remarks.)
"I don't feel comfortable whipping out my boobs in public like you." (Sure. I whip them out. Really, I do. But, they are under-cover whippings.)
"I'll never give my baby a pacifier! They are disgusting!" ( *cough* Did you say "I'll never?" Hmmm.. interesting.)
"I don't like you, I don't love you." (This one came in a sing-songy, chirpy voice from O to A.)
"Miss Linda just gave up. She doesn't work at school anymore." (A was meaning she quit.)
"Isaac talks in Forte, not Piano."
"daaa daaa dooooo daaa, dada! GAAAAACK" (that one's from Isaac. Just because I felt I had to be fair. The gacking is when he gets mad.)
: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly:guilty conduct
a: the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciouslyb: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy
: a feeling of culpability for offenses
A little back story:
When O was first born, my breast milk took a very long time to come in. Probably close to 5 days or so. Once it finally came in, I wasn't concerned. I just figured it was delayed due to my cesarean section and the medication I was on.
As the days continued into weeks, I thought we were doing well. O was sleeping a lot, rarely cried, and seemed satisfied. The only issue we had was that she tended to sleep through feedings.
Somewhere around the 14 day mark, we started to notice there was a problem. I ended up with mastitis, and O started to cry- inconsolably. We figured out, after we took O in for a weight check, that she was not getting enough milk. That was the first day I pumped. I pumped all the next day and only got 1/4 of an ounce. Both sides. All day. We had to start with formula supplements immediately.
It was clear that something with our breastfeeding relationship was skewed. This was probably my first taste of true mommy guilt. I thought we were on the right tract, when we were clearly not. As time progressed, we, with the help of lots and lots of prayers and wonderful lactation consultants, figured out that O didn't have a strong enough suck to get breast milk out. I pumped exclusively until she was finally strong enough to nurse on her own (around 3.5 months of age.)
Fast forward to when O was 8 months old. I had just found out I was, unexpectedly, pregnant with A. Everything I had read on the topic of tandem nursing said that a lot of women can continue breastfeeding with out any effects on milk supply. I, mistakenly, thought I was one of those people. I figured if my body let me get pregnant, it would be capable of still supporting my milk supply. It wasn't until O started eating every hour that I started to realize that, maybe, she was hungry because my body wasn't producing enough milk. Again. We had to start on formula.
I can't begin to tell you how bad I felt that I had gotten pregnant and taken that precious milk away from my daughter. (though, we did continue breastfeeding, just more for comfort and not for nutrition.) I felt so horrible.
So what does this have to do with the price of beans? Well, I'm experiencing a case of some serious mommy guilt again. I have read a lot of articles and studies that say that exclusively breastfeeding for the first year reduces the risk of asthma and incidents of wheezing. O has just been diagnosed with Reactive Airway Disease because of a scary incident of wheezing and coughing two nights ago.
Of course, my weird and twisted mind starts thinking what I did to cause this or what I could've done to prevent it. I immediately jump to the fact that she had formula for several months during her first year of life.
If you know me in real life, you probably know how pro-breastfeeding I am. I'm very pro-breastfeeding because of all of the stuff we went through with O to get her breast milk. I'm very pro-breastfeeding because I believe what the studies say about how it keeps kids healthier. I'm very pro-breastfeeding because I think its superior to formula in lots of ways.
However, I know, with out a doubt, that we HAD to give O formula. We had no alternatives at the time. Formula was life-saving for miss O. She had to eat, and she had to eat something with the ability to have lots and lots of calories.
So, why is it that I feel guilty, all of these years later? Its mommy guilt. The " feeling of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy". Ha! How often I am reminded that my personality defects stem from a sense of inadequacy.
How about you? Ever experience a case of totally inappropriate mommy guilt?
1. I lurve the Internet. Ours has been on again, off again for the last few days, (and mostly off again yesterday and today.)and I've come to realize how much I rely on it. For things like checking Olivia's lunch schedule (which they do not have a hard copy of!) finding a phone number, or a recipe. I use it for everything.
2. I can't hear Zeke at night if his door is closed. I magically slept all the way through the night last night. I have a feeling that he did not. I feel bad. I can actually hear him if he cries with his door shut most of the time. However, I was extremely exhausted from the previous two nights of screaming/crying that I must have slept through it.
3. I do not want to ever be a single parent. Enough said, don't you think?
4. Kids will always get sick at once, when your husband is out of town. Again, I think this one is self-explanatory.
5. There is a time and a place for lots of T.V. Like right now, with two sick big kids (one has an ear infection and the other one came home from school with a tummy that hurts.)
6. You never stop worrying if your child is progressing normally. I've definitely chilled out some, but I still worry about Isaac. Even though he's my third. He doesn't really babble all that much, and it concerns me. So much so, that texted a friend who is a speech pathologist (at O's school, actually) and asked her what she thinks. I'll let you know what she says. I really think its because he has those two fingers in his mouth all.of.the.time. (ETA, she said she thinks he's fine. He's babbling with other sounds...)
7. I love candy corn. Actually, this isn't something that I've learned. Its something I already know. that's why the bag of candy corn is still closed, in the closet, away from me. I'm still thinking about it, though. Luckily, its ear marked for A's school party. I can't eat it. I can't eat it. I can't eat it....
8. You can take a child to the zoo, but you can't make him walk. I drove 2 hours to the zoo to have something fun/cheap to do with the kids while E was gone this weekend. I ended up carrying the baby in the Moby, and pushing a, rather large and grumpy, boy in the umbrella stroller. I tried and tried to get him to walk. But, he knew, in the end, I wasn't turning around and driving home with out seeing the animals. Stinker.
Well, there goes my blogging for the day. My Internet may go down any second again, and I have things to do.
In the mean time, does any one know of any gloves for finger suckers? I found those kind that have the mitten/fingerless gloves for A. I am having a hard time for I. I may just cut the fingers off of a pair of smallish gloves. What do you all think?