slight birthday depression

I'm normally nostalgic around birthdays.  Especially first birthdays.  But, y'all, Eliza's birthday is coming up in 2 days and I'm almost bordering on depressed.  I mean, I am glad she's alive, thriving, and turning one (obviously) but I've just been so sad.

I'm sure its a mixture of lots of things.

Isaac stopped sucking his fingers after his accident.  It seems so grown up.  Its sad.  He's growing up.  Which means Eliza WILL grow up.  She's likely our last baby.  When I think on that, I think about all of our babies that we'll never get to celebrate birthdays with. 

Its a downward spiral into an emotional pit.

So, for once in several months, I'd like for my baby's birthday just to hurry up and get here already.  So I can get over this funk.

See you Thursday.

Tracy

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

One of my friends sent me this poem.  She experienced a miscarriage not too long ago.  When I read it, I couldn't help but think of all of our precious babies up in heaven.  What a wonderful and encouraging thought to know that they are always with our Savior.

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

I see the countless Christmas trees,

Around the world below.

With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,

Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,

Please wipe away that tear.

For I'm spending Christmas,

With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,

That people hold so dear.

But the sounds of music can't compare,

With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you,

The joy their voices bring.

For it is beyond description,

To hear the angels sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor,

Or the peace here in this place.

Can you just imagine Christmas,

With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit,

As I tell Him of your love.

So then pray for one another,

As I lift you eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful,

And let your spirit sing.

For I'm Spending Christmas in Heaven,

And I'm walking with the King.

 Poem written by Wanda Bencke



Embracing hope

Hope
noun, verb, hoped, hop⋅ing.
–noun

1.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.

4.a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.

5.something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope. –verb (used with object)

6.to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory. –verb (used without object)

8.to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.

9.Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in).


Its interesting that #9 is "to place trust". In this definition, it seems as though "hope" and "faith" are closely related. I have always thought that it was easier to hope than to have faith. Because hope is often self-centered, having hope for something comes from your ability to think positively. Where as faith, is placing your desires, thoughts, etc in someone else's hands. But, now that I think about it, faith is placing your HOPE in someone else. Placing my hope in God to protect my little babe is suspiciously like faith.

Here is what I am now struggling with: the facts. The facts are:
*I am %50 likely to miscarry this baby. Those are just my odds from my medical history.
*My last pregnancy hcg numbers doubled, twice, and the pregnancy still failed
*I have miscarried every baby since the birth of my son.
*I have yet to make it to 6 weeks with any of those babies.
*Every time I go to the bathroom, I get panicky, and look for blood
* I'm scared. Really scared.

The reason I'm struggling with the facts is that I desire so much, to celebrate this little life with-in my body. My sweet little baby deserves a more excited entrance into the world! I think back, to most of my previous pregnancies, and I was signing up for pregnancy updates, emails, coupons, and made a ticker the day I got my positive test. Maybe it was the pain it caused me to undo all of those things before that has prohibited me from doing ANY of them now. Up until today, I hadn't even looked up my due date. Strictly because it hurts so much when you loose a baby and then have to function on your due date with out a precious little person to hold. It almost seems better to not know. (I know that I have a baby angel due date coming in just 2 weeks and then another just 6 weeks from then. It is so hard to think about it.)

Anyway, I decided today that I would look at my due date and be hopefull. I love this baby and I don't want to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. God has given me a little babe, even if its only for a short period of time. I will have hope! I love this babe, and I want to cherish it!