Jewelry Keepsakes pendant

Hallie, at Jewelry Keepsakes contacted me before our trip to Thailand to see if I'd be interested in reviewing a keepsake item from their store.  I checked out their website and loved what they provide (memory jewelry, photo necklaces, key chains, etc.) and told her "yes!".  

I loved how many options they have for bereaved family and loved ones.  You can get cremation jewelry of all kinds and keep your loved ones near you.  (I especially love what this can mean for bereaved parents who have lost infants/babies. One of my favorites is this bracelet. )

I chose a photo engraved pendant.  The photo I chose fit best on the diamond shape.  

The picture I chose doesn't show up super sharp, but I kind of like it.  (We think it may be because I used a black and white photo.)  You can't see the image from far away.

I also got the back engraved.  It says "full hands, full heart".  Sort of a play on how often people tell me I have my hands full.  But, also, my heart is full, not just with my children here on earth, but the ones in heaven as well. 

So, how do I like it?  

I love it.  I ordered a long chain to wear with it and I love that length as well (I don't have anything else that length.)  its a little "soft" in terms of metal.  Eliza chewed on it and scratched it already, but that's not really Jewelry Keepsakes fault, know what I mean.  I don't think they likely tested their bereavement jewelry for toddler teeth impressions.  

I wore it several times in Thailand (with the same outfit.  We were there two weeks.  I washed stuff. ;))

You can get a pendant of your own at www.jewelrykeepsakes.com.  They range in price depending on what you're looking for.

 (The one I got is listed at $39.99)

The time I tried a tiny (bird) tattoo in Thailand

It's true.  At the ripe old age of 31, I got a tattoo.  In Thailand. 

 No, I wasn't drunk.  It wasn't a spur of the moment decision, either.  

I've been wanting this specific tattoo for over 2 years now.  A tattoo of 6 small birds to represent the 6 babies we lost.

It's taken me 2 years to convince E.  He was FIRMLY against it for a very long time.  Up until our Thailand trip, actually.  One day, during the trip, we were laying on the beach and he actually asked me more detailed questions of why I wanted it.  I told him I wanted something physically apart of me to remember them by.  Something I can touch, feel, and hold close.  He suggested planting a tree, but I told him it would kill me if the tree died or we moved.  (Plus, I really wanted something specific for EACH baby.  Not something collective for them together.)  Then, he suggested a necklace, or something similar, that I would wear like a wedding ring.    But, I wear a necklace with a charm on it for my four living children almost every day (I have two different ones that represent each of them, then I just got a new necklace with their picture on it from www.jewelrykeepsakes.com.  Blog post coming on that coming up.)  

E saw my points, (I guess.  either that, or he was tired of me asking constantly) and said he could see why I wanted one.  If I really wanted it, he'd go with me, even, to get it done.

Rather than wait until we got home (and give him a chance to change his mind), I researched tattoo parlors in Bangkok.  We were spending one more evening there on our way home, after our island trip.  I found one that got wonderful reviews and headed down there on Monday after we checked into our hotel.  

The man who helped us spoke WONDERFUL English, and printed out a page with birds on it to let us chose each one we wanted.  E even helped pick out 2 of them!  After picking them out, he transferred them onto my wrist, taking lots of time placing them, replacing them, getting the arrangement just right.  It was during this placement that I got quite misty eyed, grieving for my tiny babies.  (This was/is the closest thing I'd ever have to a memorial for them.)

Its been a looooong time since my last tattoo (um, 14 years ago?!?) and I sort of forgot how it felt.  Some of them hurt worse than others.  The one under my pinky finger...that one definitely hurt he worst.  I may have been practicing some of my labor breathing techniques and asking E to distract me with pictures from our trip.  Thankfully, it only took about 20 minutes.

immediately after it was finished

Tattoo wrapped up safe and sound during a foot massage on the street.

On the plane ride home

Tuesday evening.

I'm looking forward to when its healed and I can rub my finger across all of them.

In case you are wondering "why birds"?    1. They are just cute and 2. I love the references in the bible about how God takes care of even the birds, so how much more does he love us, his children.  These two are my favorite:

Matthew 6:26
26"Look at the birds. They don't plant, harvest, or gather the harvest into barns. Yet, your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren't you worth more than they?

Luke 12:6
 6"Aren't five sparrows sold for two cents? God doesn't forget any of them. 7Even every hair on your head has been counted. Don't be afraid! You are worth more than many sparrows.

Our rainbow birthday boy

Its hard to believe that this sweet boy is 4 today.

Of course, with his birthday, I'm always reminded of what took place before he was born.  It, as always, makes my heart, and arms, ache for our lost babies.  Aching for them, while also rejoicing in the birth and life of our son.   Not that all of my kids' birthdays aren't special, because they are.  But, his birthday...its just a tiny bit more amazing.  All the heart ache, loss, grief, anxiety, fear, hope, and prayers that came before this child.  (Even during his birth.)  It makes the remembrance of the moment we met him that much sweeter.

Look how much he's grown.  He's such a character.  Independent, opinionated, funny, and sweet.  He loves legos, batman (still!) and his Chillo  .  Looks like his daddy, who shares his birthday.  

Happy birthday, little man.  We love you. 

 

slight birthday depression

I'm normally nostalgic around birthdays.  Especially first birthdays.  But, y'all, Eliza's birthday is coming up in 2 days and I'm almost bordering on depressed.  I mean, I am glad she's alive, thriving, and turning one (obviously) but I've just been so sad.

I'm sure its a mixture of lots of things.

Isaac stopped sucking his fingers after his accident.  It seems so grown up.  Its sad.  He's growing up.  Which means Eliza WILL grow up.  She's likely our last baby.  When I think on that, I think about all of our babies that we'll never get to celebrate birthdays with. 

Its a downward spiral into an emotional pit.

So, for once in several months, I'd like for my baby's birthday just to hurry up and get here already.  So I can get over this funk.

See you Thursday.

Tracy

The honest truth

I've been having a hard time adjusting to the fact that Eliza will (likely) be our last baby. As much as I was sure about it when I was pregnant, I am now feeling all weepy and sad about it. 

Eliza is amazing, so precious, and such a blessing. 

But, I still feel like someone is missing. (And they are. Lots of someones. *sigh*) 

I sort of hoped, ignorantly, the feeling of "some one missing" would go away once we had decided that our family was complete.

It doesn't, does it?

Scars

Scars are interesting things.  They tell stories of our wounds.  They remind us of mistakes or hurts.  They almost always stay with us our entire lives.

I don't have pretty scars.  In fact, I scar really badly.  They are always puffy, huge, and just generally icky looking.  My stretch marks, (which are really scars) are the perfect example.  Deep, puffy, and colorful. 

One time, back in high school, I cut myself on a spring that came out of my parents couch.  It cut the fleshy part of the back of my upper arm.  It hurt, and it bled a tiny bit, but nothing that needed stitches and it was easily taken care of with a few band aids.  It healed in a week or so.  I STILL have a MASSIVE scar from that.  Its still puffy, very pink, and, actually, its still tender.

My c/s scar is another example.  A few of my friends have mentioned that their c/s scars have faded away.  My c/s was over 6 years ago.  The edges have faded but the center is still puffy, pink, and slightly painful if pressed/kicked/hit/shaved.

When I first had my c/s, it was very painful.  The incision hurt like heck for a long time.  Eventually, it stopped hurting so bad all of the time.  It only hurt when I was on my stomach or did sit ups.  Then, it stopped hurting unless I poked my incision site. Now, its only painful if it has direct contact with something sharp or hard.

It seems like my grief from losing all of our babies is similar.  At first, it hurt all of the time. It hurt badly all. of. the. time.  Then, after a little while, I would go a few days with out it crippling me.  Then, a few weeks.  Now, it seems it only creeps in when I come in direct contact with something hard.

I used to think that getting pregnant post-miscarriage and having a live baby would relieve my grief. But, unfortunately, it doesn't. It helps fade my scars, and it keeps me from thinking about them all of the time. But, those puffy, pink, deep scars will be with me the rest of my life.

You wouldn't think my own pregnancy would trigger grief and sadness.  But, it does.  When I look at the ultrasounds of our new precious baby, I'm reminded off all of the babies we never got to see.  All of the babies we never got to hear heartbeats from.  All of the babies we grieved over.  All of the babies that are missing from our family.

So it seems, right now, something hard is pressing into my scars, and it hurts. 

Isaiah 53:4-5


Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken,Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.

Memories of yester year

As I's birthday approaches, I've been feeling more and more nastolgic.  Remembering what was going on this day, last year, with him still in my belly.  Unaware that we would meet him oustide the womb in 13 short days.  Worrying about dialation, amniotic fluid levels, labor, and the birth itself.  Breathing in the fresh baby scent of my friend's newborn.

  I don't remember being this sad with the older two.  It could be because I was already pregnant with A one O's birthday.  As for A's first birthday, I knew we would have more children.  It didn't bother me as much. 

God willing, Isaac will not be our last child.  However, I now know the reality that our plans are just that: plans.  We have very little control over life and death.  Maybe just knowing that it is not in my control is what is making me sad.  Knowing that if I have to go through losses again for a 4th child, I don't know that we will. Knowing that Isaac could be my last, even if I don't want him to be.

I'm trying to trust in God.  Giving my plans up to him.  His will be done.  But, its quite hard to give up my ideals, and the picture in my head.  Its even harder when I feel like some one is missing from our family. I may always feel that way, though, because of the number of children not here with us. 

I'm sure this is all jumbled.  I'm sorry for that.  As I type it, I realize its not a very put-together post.  But, its a real-time post.  Things that are on my mind this minute, and for the last few days.

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

One of my friends sent me this poem.  She experienced a miscarriage not too long ago.  When I read it, I couldn't help but think of all of our precious babies up in heaven.  What a wonderful and encouraging thought to know that they are always with our Savior.

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

I see the countless Christmas trees,

Around the world below.

With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,

Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,

Please wipe away that tear.

For I'm spending Christmas,

With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,

That people hold so dear.

But the sounds of music can't compare,

With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you,

The joy their voices bring.

For it is beyond description,

To hear the angels sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor,

Or the peace here in this place.

Can you just imagine Christmas,

With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit,

As I tell Him of your love.

So then pray for one another,

As I lift you eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful,

And let your spirit sing.

For I'm Spending Christmas in Heaven,

And I'm walking with the King.

 Poem written by Wanda Bencke



dry your tears

Jeremiah 31:15-17

15 In Ramah a voice is heard, crying and weeping loudly. Rachel mourns for her children and refuses to be comforted, because they are dead.16 But I, the Lord, say to dry your tears. Someday your children will come home from the enemy’s land. Then all you have done for them will be greatly rewarded.17 So don’t lose hope. I, the Lord, have spoken.

Today, in my bible study, we talked about our plans for our lives 10 (or 5 years ago in my case, since 10 years ago puts me as a senior in high school) years ago. What did we think we'd be doing today? I've blogged before about how I thought our family would be complete well before I turned 30. While that could still happen, E and I have come to the conclusion that we will probably be over 30 before we are finished having children. (well, he should be for sure, since he turns 30 on I's 1st birthday!)

After we discussed our plans, one of the mentor women asked how we were changed from our experiences that led us down different life paths. I, for one, talked a little about being able to be a testimony and a compassionate ear for people going through what I went through, (for even those who only go through it once).

How my perspective would be different had we not lost our children. Would I have the same compassion? Would I cry out in prayer for those who have lost such precious life?

My personal answer is: probably not. There's a sense of compassion that only experience can give us.

Almost exactly one year ago, (tomorrow, actually) I found out I was pregnant with baby number 8. We were hopeful that *this* baby would be the one to make it since we were under constant medical care and were trying new things (lovenox). but, almost one year ago next week, we lost that baby. A year seems like an eternity ago when I think of the pit of grief I was in, yet in some ways it seems like only yesterday.

When I talk and think about my miscarriages, it seems I miss my babies no less today then I did 12 mths ago. I think of them less often, but the grief of losing our children is still on the surface, ready to be prodded, ready to be shared with another who is hurting and feeling so alone.

If I can only make a difference in one hurting woman's life, then use me Lord. Let me be a tool to help dry the tears.

Viability

I've been meaning to make a post about this since, well, I hit the "viability" marker on Thursday. However, time kept ticking, tick, tick, ticking away and it got lost in "things to do" list. But, here we are now. Better late then never.

I've been making these little "short goals" for my pregnancy since the day I got the news that I was carrying another child in my womb. "let me make it to six weeks!" then "let me see the baby on the ultrasound!" then "let me hear the heart beat!" then "let me make it past the first trimester!", etc, etc, etc. But, one of my major "goals" was 24 weeks. Its the point that they term the baby "viable". meaning, they'd actually try to save the baby if it was born today. The baby would have a chance at living outside of the womb.

Now, I realize that it may seem a bit odd to just want to make it to viability. Obviously, I want to make it further. But, there's a sense in relief in just *knowing* that if I gave birth, this baby could survive. For someone like me, who has lost so many babies before they were "viable" this is huge. It gives me hope. It gives me a sense of peace.

But, what kind of "goal maker" would I be if I was content at 24 weeks? My new goal, is 28 weeks. That magical gestational number that raises the odds for this baby bumpkin! Then, the new goal? Who knows? Maybe 33 weeks (the week I went into labor with O).

Whatever the goal now, though, I thank God that my body has kept this baby safe thus far. It still never ceases to amaze me that this baby boy is still inside, still alive, and still loving his momma. God is good!

A personality change

We're back from our vacation. We had a fabulous time. It was full of sand, water, sun and good food. It was so beautiful and while we were there I felt so blessed. Blessed to be able to afford a vacation, blessed to be able to watch (yes, watch!) baby boy dance around in my uterus from the outside, and blessed to have such a wonderful family.



I had my fair share of fun in the ocean, and my fair share of time relaxing in a beach chair on the sand. But, my attention was never far from my children, even when they were under "daddy's watch". Its not that I didn't or don't trust him, its just that I worry. I worry about my two babies being sucked under, or swallowing too much water. I worry, and I worry.

I guess it was in the midst of worrying that E and I had an interesting conversation. He said, and I quote, "you weren't always so anxious about the kids. Just in the past two years you've started to worry more." To which, I responded, "oh yeah?" Playing innocent is best, I think. He responded back "yeah. You used to be more calm about this kind of stuff. I wonder what changed."

He may wonder what changed, but I don't have to. I know. Before two years ago, I hadn't experienced the extreme hurt of loss after loss. Before two years ago, I had very little happen to me that was "bad". Around two years ago is when I discovered that even babies can be taken from us. Babies that didn't wander too far in the ocean, or swallow too much sea water.

So, yeah, I've changed. I worry about my kids more. I worry about my husband more. I worry about those I love more. Because, I know, (more intimately now,) life is fleeting. Life is unpredictable. Life is fragile.

I get on my knees

Its weird, but whenever I start to feel at peace with my life, I can almost immediately start to feel the sadness creep in again. In my last post, I talked about how this part of my pregnancy is my favorite. It still is. But, in the last few days, I've found myself thinking about my lost babies a lot. I know that it will always be like that- a come and go kind of thing. But, often, it comes when I'm really not expecting it.

What triggered this bout of sadness was a facebook post authored by a long-time friend of mine. She simply posted: "I can't believe I only have 8 weeks left!" How could that possibly trigger sadness? She and I shared an October due date. I was due the exact same day as her. So, when I read "only 8 weeks left", I am reminded of that precious baby that I would've been holding in just 8 short weeks.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give up this little man in my uterus now, not the one I've felt rolling, kicking, punching. I realize that I could not give birth both that baby and this guy. But, I still miss him/her. I still wish that I didn't have to say good bye so soon.

It is getting easier, of course, to deal with the grief when it hits. Mainly BECAUSE of baby boy. But, honestly, I thought that once I got pregnant and it stuck, that I wouldn't be crying over the one's I lost. But, I've slowly come to realize that that grief never goes away. It just gets easier to deal with, and its not as constant.

And, now, for the shameless photo plug of my children- on their knees, praying.

in a funk of sad

The last few days, I've been feeling sad and down. Don't get me wrong, I'm still thrilled that I'm pregnant. Thrilled that I can find the baby's heart beat on the doppler almost every time (and at least once a day. Not that I check more than once a day, of course.) But, still I have a general feeling of sadness.

It stems from a couple of things.

1. I keep thinking about my baby that I lost in January. The one that would've been due in October. I keep running into people who are due in October or see them online, etc. I see them finding out the gender, buying clothes, decorating nurseries. It keeps me thinking and missing that precious baby. I know that I have life inside of me now, and that makes me joyful! But, I will never forget those that I have lost. For some reason, I've been thinking about that particular baby more than usual.

2. It looks like Eric's grandpa, (the one we visited a week and a half ago) is going to die pretty soon. Its all pretty sudden. His arm/shoulder has been hurting for a few months. Apparently, he thought he injured it. While we were there, he was barely able to support it just standing. He needed to be sitting with it resting on something. Anyway, in the course of those few months, his arm started to swell and get hot. We all convinced him to call the dr. ASAP. He went the day we left. They did an x-ray and found a very large mass in his shoulder. The family practitioner didn't really know what it was (a tumor, cancer, etc.) so he was sent off to get a bone scan and a few other tests. It turns out that it is cancer and he has numerous spots on his lungs as well. Before his last appointment on thursday, he started coughing up blood. He is waiting to go see the oncologist in Kansas City next week, but in the mean time, his family practitioner says it doesn't look good. (Of course he also said some other things that sounded a little "off". He isn't an oncologist, of course, so I'm sure that they will be anxious to hear what THAT dr. says.)

3. Eric's sister's birthday was on the 15th. For those of you who don't know, she died from Leukemia several years ago. Her birthday is a hard day for Eric and his parents.

4. I'm pregnant and my hormones are out of control. This may be the main culprit- the underlying current of all of it.

I feel like I should go look up a bible verse that talks about God comforting the sad. But, instead, I'll just say that I *know* God comforts the sad. He comforts me daily.

Eventually, I'll get out of this funk. I'll be back to my chipper self. Or, at least, a larger version of my chipper self.

Just as an update

I'm going to post pictures tomorrow, but everything looked good at Dr. C today. They got me in for another u/s. The baby's heart was beating away- 179 bpm. Yay! He or she was also moving a ton! They couldn't really get a clear picture to print because it kept moving its legs and arms all around.

Of course, I had a mild break down in the office when Dr. C came in to talk with me. She hugged me and passed the tissues. Then she said, "you have every right to be nervous. You've had more things happen to you than most women who walk in these doors. In fact, I don't think we've ever had someone with 6 losses here. If we need to bring you in here every week, we will. You won't be the first, and you won't be the last to do that."

Ah. Reassurance. Reassurance that I'm not the only crazy lady out there. :-) But, seriously, reassurance that I'm in good hands and that they care about me. Nice. Super nice.

I'll never be the same again

Today was a busy day. A weird day. Full of mixed emotions.

Emotion 1: Elation. As you might have guessed, I had another u/s today. Everything looks wonderful! The baby was actually measuring ahead! (woot woot!) Apparently, my uterus is 4xs the size of a first time mother's at this stage. Dr. H said its due to all of my other pregnancies. No wonder I already feel the need for maternity pants! The heart rate was 158, which is fabulous! The baby has grown a ton since last Monday which impressed the dr. a lot! So much so, that they released me to my OB.

Emotion 2: Leary. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to my OB. I love her dearly, (even though I'll probably end up switching in the end so I can have a more natural child birth...) but its so nice at the RE's office. Its like a paradise of dr.'s offices. I have never waited more than 5 minutes. Today's wait time was about 2. Its in, out, every one's nice, friendly, and seems to care about you. Its not uncommon to wait an hour, sometimes two, at the OB. But, despite my hesitation, I called. It was quite funny because the scheduling lady asked for my LMP and I told her "I'm under strict advice from Dr. H to just tell you that I am 8 weeks." She laughed and said that was fine- apparently they get that a lot from their office.

Emotion #3: Hurt. Some dear friends of mine (we've been friends since Olivia was about 8 weeks old) took me out for ice cream tonight for my upcoming birthday. I took a double dose of my zofran (ok'd by Dr. H, if you're wondering) and met my friends at Maggie Moo's. One of those friends lost a baby around the same time that I lost mine in October of last year. This particular friend shared that she is pregnant again. Thirteen weeks along. They found out yesterday its a girl.

I have to admit, my first reaction was not joy or elation. It was hurt. Then confusion as to why I was hurt. What do I care anymore? I'm pregnant, I have a beautiful living being in my uterus. Why should it still hurt me to hear of other's pregnancies?

On the way I realized several things. The thing that was bothering me at the moment was that I have lost almost all luxury of "surprising" people. I realize that I publicly share on my blog, (which is something I felt called to share with my in-real-life friends. remember this post?) But, I also shared with a few select friends via phone calls (the friends I went out with tonight). I've shared almost every pregnancy with them because I know that I'm going to 1. share with them if I loose another baby 2.want them to pray for me and 3. get questions about how the cycle is going at the RE's office (really, when friends know you're going to an RE, there's no secrecy!)

When I really reflected on it, I wasn't hurt just because I couldn't surprise people. I realized tonight that, despite being pregnant with a healthy baby, I'll never be the same person I was before all of our losses. I can never enjoy a pregnancy in quite the same way I did before. I can never take for granted that this baby will be born alive and healthy. I can never walk into a doctor appointment with sheer excitement. I will never be able to walk into an OB appointment with out fear in the pit of my stomach.

I will never be the same again.

Just as those babies stretched out my uterus, leaving a permanent physical mark, loosing those precious babies has left a mark on my soul.

As I sat here to type this entry, I was reminded of a song that I used to listen to when I lived at home. It reminds me that change isn't always bad. I'm more mature, more involved in my pregnancies and my chidlren's lives. I've come to realize a lot of new things about God and life in general.

Even though my journey is not over and has been long, and full of hurt and loss, I'm convinced that God will use me. Some day, he'll use my circumstances to touch some one's life.

Lord, whatever you need to do, do in me.


I'll never be the same again
Hillsong

I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk apart,
I'll run the race
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

There are higher heights,
there are deeper seas,
Whatever you need to do,
Lord do in me.
The Glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

I will never be the same again,
I can never return,
I've closed the door.
I will walk the path,
I will run the race
And I will never be the same again.

Moving on

I debated on sharing part of my life today. But, in all honesty, its not like I hide anything well. I might as well tell now, since I'll probably tell tomorrow or some other day.

I caved. I took a pregnancy test today. (Wait, wait! Before you get your hopes up, it was negative.) See, here's the thing. I promised myself I would wait. I would wait until my period was actually due, instead of testing early. Sure, I've gotten positives with every single other pregnancy 12 days past ovulation. Today is twelve days past ovulation. But, I told myself: just wait.

Did I? I made it about half way through the day. I stayed strong this morning. But, after putting the kids down for naps, I gave in. I thought "well, I'll want to start the shots right away if I am pregnant". Its amazing how I break promises to myself. A lot.

I guess its time to move on, though. Seeing as those tests are so sensitive, I highly doubt that it was a false negative. Pretty sure that my period will be right on time.

I'm trying not to get down. Its only been few weeks since my last miscarriage, but I was still secretly hoping...

This is the day that the Lord has made

For the past week I had been gearing up to face what I knew would be a very hard day. I've been praying a lot for peace. More than usual. Even though I knew it was coming, it still hurts.

The due date for my February baby is today.

I had sort of talked it through to myself last night. I would come downstairs, after the kids woke up, have some coffee, then start to sort through some grief. That, however, was not to be. Instead of the "prepared" grieving, I was surprised.

At exactly 6 am, my cell phone starting ringing a strange ring (which, by the way, is strange in and of itself. My phone hasn't been ringing at all lately.) I was thinking to myself "who's calling at 6 am?" I picked up my phone, flipped it open, and saw this:

Today's Scheduled Event: Baby Due

Apparently, 40ish weeks ago, (when I had a tad more hope and 3 less miscarriages) I thought it would be neat to look and see on my cell phone when the baby was due. I'm not sure what I was thinking about setting it to go off at 6 am, but maybe it was pregnancy brain? I'm also not sure why I needed a reminder. I'm pretty sure that if I was actually 40 weeks pregnant, I wouldn't NEED a reminder.

Even though it took me by surprise, I'm glad that it did. When E asked who it was, I told him about the reminder. He then crawled over to my side of the bed and just held me for a few minutes. I have to say, it was MUCH better than what I had planned- dealing with what today is with out him. (God must have known something I didn't...)


Even though today is a very sad day for me, especially with the sadness of our latest loss so fresh, I will rejoice that this is the day the Lord has made. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is the same God today, in my grief, that he was yesterday, or 3 years ago, in my joy. Thank you Lord, for this day. I will be glad in it!

Happy due date, my little February bean. I miss you like crazy. I can't wait to meet you in heaven some day. I love you!

I want to go back

I want to go back to Friday. When I felt numb. I don't like feeling what I feel now.

I feel like my body is a worthless piece of crap. Stupid thing can't even do what its SUPPOSED to do. If I could scream right now, I would.

There. I just needed to get that out.

One of the worst

This miscarriage is going down as one of my worst. I'm not really sure why. The bleeding and clotting and cramps are horrible. When I'm cramping, I'm going to change things at least once an hour. When I'm not cramping, however, there's practically no bleeding. But, the weirdest thing is how long its lasting. Normally, its only a one day deal. One day of really heavy bleeding/pain, then it putters out. My miscarriages are actually shorter than my regular periods. So this, day 3 and still bleeding heavily, is unprecedented.





Oh, and here's another "worst". Worst glasses fix ever. so, here's the whole story. I scratched my eye ball on thursday (from rubbing my eyes while I was crying) and had to take out my contacts. I had been wearing my glasses since. Saturday, I take off my glasses (gently) to rub my eye and the top frame part just snapped! Ugh! The tape is all mangled around the top, bottom and actual lens. Its the only way I can get them to work. I have been trying to wear my contacts, but my eyes feel raw. So, I've been wearing these in the evenings. Yee haw, I know. I have my yearly exam on thursday, so i don't want to get new glasses just in case my prescription changes.

In other "worsts", I'm pretty sure I just ate one of the worst breakfasts. At least from a nutrition stand point. I made these for the super bowl party last night. They were quite tasty.

Its over

There's always that tiny little secret hope in the back of my head: maybe they're wrong. There's still a chance for a miracle.

Nope. Its done now. I woke up around 3 am with horrible cramps. Quickly followed by lots of bleeding and clots. I'm pretty drugged up right now, but could stand something stronger even.

Want to know what is really, really weird? I just looked back on my pregnancy cycles. Each pregnancy ended at CD 36. Every single one that I charted for! No matter what day I ovulated, I started bleeding the same day each pregnancy. How is this not related to SOMETHING? 4 pregnancies that end on the exact same cycle day...

Well, I have to get moving. We have to facilitate financial peace again. I don't really want to go, but I'm hoping it'll take my mind off stuff for a little while. Know one there knows anything that's going on, so I won't have to talk about it.