Thursday, April 30, 2009
I'm fearful today. I woke up panicked that something happened to the baby. I haven't felt sick yet today, and other pregnancy symptoms don't seem to be bothering as much today, either. Some pregnant women would rejoice in that. It petrifies me.
Even though I am afraid, I know that the bible says that God has not given us a spirit of fear! (2 Timothy 1:7)
God will hold my hand!
For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)
He will never forsake me!
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
He will guard my heart and mind, and give me peace!
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).
“I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4)
He will deliver me from my fear!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
My friend Raechel, who is a chatty (or wordy, in the blog world) kind of person thought that it was too difficult to post a Silent Sunday or Wordless Wednesday. So, she came up with the idea of Way Back Whensday. Its a chance to show off fun old pictures, but with words!
So, Here I go! Senior picture day!
Now, the GOOD news, I'm elated with the information that Dr. H called with. My beta hcg was 600 today! (woot, woot!) Almost triple what it was on Monday! They said that everything is looking GREAT and that I don't have to go back in until Monday morning. Yay! YAY!
I'm ecstatic, elated, delighted, tickled pink, happy, and hopeful. But, at the same time, there's this lingering fear that something will still happen. I've never made it past 5 weeks with my other babies (minus my two living children, of course) and I'm not there yet. There's this fear that still lingers, tempting me to give in and give up my joy. But, I will hold onto the promise that God has given me. He will give me the peace I need.
Monday, April 27, 2009
E and me
A-man. Gotta love the faces.
A and Grandpa
I want to be optimistic. But, I don't want to be too optimistic. Because that just sets me up for a major disappointment. Know what I mean?
Can someone come hold my hand today when I get that phone call?
Saturday, April 25, 2009
- We went to two, (yes, two) birthday parties today. We called it our Dave Ramsey day because we did not have to eat a single meal at our house (thanks to FPU in the morning, too!)
- I still *feel* pregnant. Those injections are still doing a number on me.
- My friend is due TOMORROW! I extremely anxious waiting, though. Every time my phone rings, I run and get it. It hasn't been her, yet.
- Our community pool opens next weekend. Yippee!
- Eric and I are now making an extra 2.5 mortgage payments a year. We really want to pay off our house early!
- Interestingly enough, I had a conversation today in which a friend proceeded to tell me that she didn't want to pay off her house...Ever. It baffles me, honestly. To me, no house payment would be SO freeing!
- I'm starting to think that I'm not pregnant this month. I'm trying to remain positive, because I have no real reasons to think I'm not. There's just a part of me that goes through this every time- almost to protect myself.
- I'm attending a baby shower next weekend. Honestly, I don't really want to go. Well, I do, but I don't. I want to go to support my friend and be happy for her. I don't want to go because, well, its a baby shower. Baby showers are about the hardest thing out there when dealing with this crap called infertility.
- There is so much pressure out there to send your kids to preschool, it drives me batty! There is NO REASON to send my kids to preschool! None. Please don't lecture me on how they won't be ready for kindergarten. I'm sure I'm not the only mother who doesn't send their 4 year old to 5 half days a week preschool. I Garrrunteee it (in my best southern car sales men's voice- not your husband, Theresa...) And, furthermore, who cares if your kids aren't "learning enough" at their mother's morning out. They're 2!
- Oh, and on that topic: I really wish there were more options for 1/2 day kindergarten around here. I'm not anxious to send O to preschool, and I'm certainly not anxious to send her to full day kindergarten. I'll miss her!
- O and A's hair has started to lighten up. I love it!
- I called a doula friend today about placenta encapsulation. Its for my friend who is due tomorrow. She has just about every risk factor for PP depression there is. Seriously, every one. She's really not into medical stuff. At all. I found out that this placenta deal is supposed to help. ("supposed to" being in quotation marks.) You know, even if its just the placebo effect, I'm cool with that. It can't hurt, right? Anyway, I'll have to do some nasty things to that placenta. Steam it, bake it, grind it.... Yum, right? I think I'll do all of that at HER house, with HER utensils, and HER oven, and HER steamer.
- I go in on monday for a blood draw. Think and pray positive thoughts!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
In fact, I was so excited that, even though I took copious amounts of cough syrup (infused with codeine, I might add. I had no idea it had that in it... I was thinking it was just the cough stuff) I was awake most of the night thinking about things I needed to pack in my birth bag, things I needed to talk about with E, and things I needed to discuss with S's mom. Now that I am up out of bed, I feel the copious amounts of cough syrup. I definitely have a cold medicine hang over.
Even with my lack of coordination or ability to stand upright, I'm thrilled to pieces. I'm praying that she goes into labor over the weekend, just because *I* don't want to wait. :)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
I'm pretty exhausted from my DONA doula workshop, too. It was very intense, and a lot of information in just 2 days. I feel slightly overwhelmed with the amount that was shoved into my brain in 16 hrs. Want to know my favorite tid bit of information we learned? Studies have showed that just having a doula present (meaning just sitting in the corner hanging out) greatly improved the odds for an unmedicated and intervention free birth! That means, if I can't remember how to do the counter pressure or how to use my rabozo, its still okay. Just having me there greatly increases their chance for the birth they want. Cool, huh?
Even though the workshop was wonderful, and empowering, the best part of the weekend was visiting with my friend Raechel and her husband. Very fun, indeed! I remember last year when I took the kids for a visit, it certainly didn't feel like we hadn't seen each other in 7 years or so. Its been around 9 mths or so since that visit and IT didn't feel like it had been that long. It was so nice, and so refreshing!
I just began my 5th week of my nanny position. We are to decide if this is something we want to stick with or discontinue at the end of next week. I'm feeling really wishy washy. If I'm pregnant, I'd like to discontinue the care. If I'm not, I'm sort of in the middle. I love the money, and he's not that much trouble. But, if I start getting more doula clients, will I be able to do both? If I had to chose one or the other, it'd be the doula deal hands down. I just don't know how to work it out to do both.
I'm definitely starting on a cold. Or cold-like virus. That makes me have little to no desire to clean or cook. But, alas, I've had to do both today. Currently in the oven are 2 pans of an egg/ham/tater tot casserole as well as the crust to a lemon bar. My house smells funny.
Friday, April 17, 2009
I have very limited number of people who follow my blog that know my in real life. I know several people who have gone through a miscarriage since it's conception. Sometimes I feel like I should share it with them. I know when I first started my blog, I found it very encouraging to find other women like me (in fact, its STILL encouraging!) that were living their life, sharing their grief, and sharing their faith.
The thing is, I feel safe with my blog. I feel safe enough to be brutally honest about my feelings sometimes. I feel safe to share my constant grief to a community of people who "get it" or who support me. Do I share this with people I see on a daily basis?
Here's what I don't want to happen. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Its fine if Jane from California feels sorry for me after reading some of my posts. Its not going to change her behavior towards me. Its not okay if my friend from playgroup feels sorry for me after reading my blog. Get it? I don't want people to treat me different after reading about a hard day I had, or saying stupid statements about my losses.
Here's why I feel like maybe I should- its my testimony. This blog is my testimony. Its my testimony to my faith in God, and its a testimony of God's faithfulness to me. No matter if I have another living child or not, God has used my losses to change who I am (and that's what my testimony is about!)
Do I want to keep others from feeling that same comfort that I felt when reading other blogs? Do I really want to keep other's away from reading about God's amazing grace and mercy? Just to feel safe?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
These pictures were scanned from our proofs. They aren't the best quality, but you'll get the idea.
Walking down the aisle- I'm peeking at E
tulips- my favorite!
Just one of my favorite pictures. We held our reception in the same building as the wedding.
Part of our doughnut cake.
Dancing with my grandpa- love him!
One of only 2 dances we danced together. I believe this is the last one before we left to go to the hotel.
Well, that was fun! I wish I could show you more- from our small bridal party to our outdoor before pictures. Alas, it was not meant to be today. I'll just have to find that darn CD and get the pictures ready for our anniversary instead.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Update 1: O's abdominal x-ray showed an excessive amount of stool in her bowels. We then had to load her up on Miralax until she had a giant poo, then continue on a smaller dose until she sees the GI dr. Since O hasn't been to see Dr. McClellan in over a year, we are now NEW patients. Since we are NEW patients, we have to wait an eternity to get an appointment. First available: June 5! No way in heck I'm making my baby stay on a laxative for 2 mths. I called today and got it moved up to May 6. I'll call next week to see if they've had any additional cancellations.
You know what's funny about it all, though? I used to be petrified to call, well, anyone and ask them to do something for me. Especially in a situation like this, where the "norm" is to wait and I'm asking for a "favor". However, since having children I've gotten over it (along with a lengthy list of other things like a desire for clean floors...) I now have to be an advocate for someone else, not just myself. If I don't make the call, its not just me that suffers, but my child. Motivates me, just a tad. Of course, I still hate doing it. Every single second of it.
Update 2: Its been an interesting few days on the TTC front. The injection I gave myself on saturday evening was supposed to force my body to ovulate sunday or early monday morning. Yesterday afternoon I was still feeling bloated and very tender near my ovaries. I came to the conclusion that I did in fact ovulate the egg from the large follicle, but there were several others that were smaller- just having fun. I think those "fun" ones were the culprit of yesterday's pain. I'm feeling much better today. yay!
Since the night of the injection I've been having a tingling feeling in my left foot. Like its almost falling asleep- but not quite. I called the Dr. H and he said it is not a side effect of the Ovidrel. If it continues, I'll have to see my family practitioner. Yippee. Another dr.'s appointment. Right now, its not painful- just bothersome.
Update 3: I'm starting to get a little nervous about my doula training. Its in less than a week! 4 days away! E isn't being super supportive of it all right now. He's upset that I spent so much money on it. Meanwhile, I'm scared I won't know where to go, I'll get lost, I'll be late, I won't understand, I won't have anyone to talk to or eat lunch with. I feel like I'm in junior high again! Bring on the "getting to an exam with out knowing the information" or "going to class with out shoes" nightmares. I'm sure my subconscious will have a hay day with this!
At the same time, I'm super excited! My friend Raechel is letting me stay with her, (thank you Rae! You are so great!) and hopefully we'll be able to spend at least a few minutes catching up. I'm excited to learn more about being a doula and be able to grow in my passion for all things baby related. yay!
This post has officially taken me about 3 hours to complete. ha! NOW I know why I haven't posted in a while. Its not a lack of words, its a lack of time to form a complete thought!
Happy tuesday, my friends.
Friday, April 10, 2009
My blood work came back great today and I'll do the first trigger shot tomorrow. Then, follow up on Wednesday, then again on Sunday. I'll go back in on the 27th for blood work to check my progesterone levels and hcg levels.
On the topic of medical stuff, O had her 4 year check up today. She weighed 28lbs and was 37 inches. Just below the chart in both areas. (I think its like almost the 0%- close to the chart, though!) She passed her eye exam with flying colors, but lost most cooperation on the hearing test. She was NOT amused with the beeps enough to even answer more than two. They'll recheck it next year.
Most everything looked good. There's always something with her, though... The dr. was concerned about her lack of interest in dairy products- especially things like ice cream and chocolate milk. I told the dr. about O's bm stains and complaints of belly pain, too, and that made her even more concerned. She went ahead and ordered a stomach x-ray today (which we already had done!) and a follow up appointment with the GI dr. if nothing shows up on the x-ray.
When the dr. pulled up O's dress to check her lungs, O seemed to have sprung a rash on her neck, face, and torso in a matter of mere minutes. I realized that she had some vanilla milk at Target about 20 minutes prior. The dr. thought that there's a chance that it could be related and scheduled some more allergy testing. O was tested for milk allergies when she was younger (18mths or so) when she was having consistent diarrhea. The allergist was a jerk, so we'll be doing the blood work at the ped's office this time instead.
Hopefully there's nothing invasive for her beyond blood work. My poor daughter has seen enough medical professionals in her lifetime. Between FTT (failure to thrive) and her Kidney Reflux, she's been poked, prodded, x-rayed, and stuck too many times in her 4 years. This newest concerned is just one more thing for my poor baby girl to endure. Just at her x-ray today, she started to get very worked up at the sight of the machine. Its the same machine they used to do her reflux tests, (VCUGs) and those are scary and painful!
Well, off to deal with A. No nap for him- too many sirens and too many pings and pangs from hail on his window sill today.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
While its a good verse, I wondered why no one ever quoted the verses following.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
To me, its equally as encouraging. In verse 12-God wants us to pray to him and he will LISTEN to our cries. That, to me, is so powerful. God listens to us. God listens to ME! Hallelujah, my prayers and cries do not land on silent ears!
In verse 13, it says He "will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile". While its not encouraging to think that God has placed me into exile, it is uplifting to think that he will bring us back. He will BRING US BACK!!! He will not leave us in exile. If we pray and seek Him, He will be found by us. We will find God.
It is so vital to me to know that God has a plan for my life. I have been in exile, but he rescue me and he has a PLAN. He will lead me and guide me.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
I don't know if any of you follow McMamma, but she had this post about a verse in Proverbs. Her little boy is in the hospital with a very serious heart condition. I'm so uplifted by her strength and faith in God through this horribly scary time. The verse is:
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."
I've been thinking on this verse today as I prepared to post about receiving my Ovidrel in the mail today. While I can make plans to, hopefully, have a successful pregnancy, only God determines my steps. We have planned our course, but its really up to Him. But, I'm encouraged that its not only up to Him, its planned by him. its not just God sitting back, looking at our plan saying "well, that's a crappy plan" and so it flops. He has his OWN plan. One I haven't the faintest clue about, but its there. He has a plan for my life and the life of my children.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Today's topic is Extraordinary hair!
As I dug through all of my pictures, I realized that I have basically had the same version of one hair cut my entire life...save for the last 6 or 7 months. Interesting... and rather boring. I don't have a lot of my childhood pictures here. I know there are some from 4th grade (where I cut my own bangs) that are pretty bad. These aren't horrendous.
Anywho, buckle yourself in and enjoy the ride!
And here's the reoccurring hair style. Eric loves it like this, so it keeps coming back over and over again. This is the day of Eric's undergrad graduation. He got burnt during the ceremony. My poor pasty-white babe.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beautyinstead of ashes,the oil of gladnessinstead of mourning,and a garment of praiseinstead of a spirit of
despair.They will be called oaks of righteousness,a planting of the LORD
for the display
of his splendor.
I've been thinking on this verse for the past few days/weeks. I've found that when I'm consumed by rief, I rarely feel that God cares for me. I realize that my feelings are fickle, (just ask E...) and not to be trusted. Just as love is a choice in our marriage (and not a feeling) such should be my love for God. Not based on feelings, but rather to choice to love God with all of my heart and soul, every day. No matter the circumstance.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
I have been feeling sort of down the last few days. Which is weird. Normally, when I've finally figured out that I'm not pregnant I get really sad, then hopeful again. I'm not hopeful today.
Its even stranger that I'm not hopeful since we went and talked with Dr. H on Tuesday. Normally, forming a new game plan boosts my outlook. However, I'm not confident that anything is going to work. That makes me kind of sad to even type that.
I just feel like I'm so alone. Alone in my constant grief. Alone in my struggle to remain pregnant. Alone in my hopelessness. I just broke down crying yesterday and prayed that God would help me physically feel him wrap his arms around me. I know it sounds silly, but I so just need a hug from him. Just to let me cry on his shoulder and hold me in his embrace. While I know he is there, I just really need to FEEL it.
I know this is so juvenile, but I want my turn. I want it to be MY turn to be pregnant. Like, really, really pregnant. Not just positive pregnancy test pregnant. I want to be able to feel the life inside of me, not just know it exists. I want to look through a baby name book. I want to pick out new nursery stuff. I want a baby. A whole, healthy, sweet and precious baby.
For those of you who are interested, here's our latest on the ttc forefront.
Last month I really felt like God was saying to take a break from the meds. We did. Then, Dr. H started talking about the laproscopy. We prayed about it. While I still think it would be beneficial to do the surgery, we've decided to take the more conservative route and go back on the medication. Its not my favorite thing in the world. I hate how it makes me feel- like I'm going through menopause. But, I think its for the best. We'll revisit the surgery option in two months.
In addition to the regular round of clomid, we'll be trying something new this month. Since last month (and a few months before) I started spotting waaaaaaay before my period, we're going to try to boost my luteual phase- or give it some support. I'll be doing injections of HCG (Ovadril) every few days. Of course that means no home pregnancy tests (but, E rejoices on that! saves us grocery money, I suppose) since it will definitely show up positive with in 7 days of the shot. The hope is that the HCG will thicken my uterine lining and give natural progesterone support (with out progesterone supplements) as well as give the embryo (if there is one) a boost of extra HCG. I definitely think that this could be helpful, since my hcg numbers were always so low. Maybe the extra boost will be what my body needs.