A sneak peak ((post I wrote before my announcement))

I went to Dr. H today to get more blood work done.  My HCG levels were 8477.  Since I have been having pain in my lower right side, the nurse decided I needed an ultrasound.

Of course, they didn't tell me that when I called.  I didn't find out until I was walking to the door to leave.  I had both boys, and very little in the way of snacks and entertainment.  Very little.

The nurse told me to go ahead and sit in the waiting room until a room was free.  Normally, they are pretty Johnny-on-the-spot in that office.  In fact, I brag constantly about how speedy they get me in and out.  The number one evidence of my confidence in them would be the fact that I took both boys with me. 

Of course, today had to be a day where everyone and their families were sitting in the waiting room.  I felt horribly bad, seeing as how most of the women there have been struggling with IF.  Very few women are  there for RPL.  So, here I am, blatantly waiving my fertility in their faces.  I felt compelled to explain to several of the women around me.  I know, I'm lame.

Moving along, the baby is in the uterus.  That is excellent news.  The nurse was worried that it might be an ectopic pregnancy that was causing my pain.  According to my last menstrual period, I am 6 weeks today (though, when I'm on an un-medicated cycle, my ovulation date is about 4 days later than "normal".)  The technician saw a gestational sac and a "hint" of a yolk sac that was developing.

She seemed very upbeat and positive, saying that everything is there that is "supposed" to be there.  I, naturally, can't help but freak out just a teeny-tiny-tad.  I go back in next week on Tuesday for another scan.  The baby should be able to be seen by then. 

Here's the baby.  Isn't he/she sweet?  That arrow is pointing at the "hint" of the yolk sac.

Music to my ears

In case you don't know what you're looking at- its our baby's heartbeat. Isn't it pretty? Know what's even better than looking at it? Listening to it! At first, Dr. H said that we should only be able to see the heart flicker. That we shouldn't expect to hear it. He tried to get it with the Doppler, and we DID hear it. At first, I thought it was my heart. Dr. H said that he thought it was the baby's. He measure the rate, and sure enough it was!

I won't get into everything else we talked about. Mainly because I can't stomach sitting up for very long periods. I'm trying to be thankful for my ever present morning sickness, but its a struggle to be so sick and raise two kids (and nanny for a third). We do go back in next thursday for another ultrasound.

Thank you, Jesus, for my beautiful baby. Thank you that the heart is beating and that he/she is alive! Thank you for my whole body pregnancy symptoms! Amen!



Here's the little peanut again.

More questions than answers

Well, I was fully prepared for two scenarios this morning at my ultrasound.

1. Everything would look great. We'd come back at 8 weeks for another scan.
2. Things wouldn't look good and we'd go home and grieve.

What I wasn't prepared for was: more questions than answers. First of all, I should mention that Dr. H's office is calling me 5w 5d pregnant, and not the 5w 2d (or 3d) pregnant that I calculated. He said their office doesn't go by Last Menstrual Period. He said that they go by your LH surge. Since they know exactly when that was (since I took the trigger and did all of that blood work) they put me at that date.

Dr. H said that between 5.5 weeks and 6 weeks, they expect to see a gestational sac, a yolk sac, and a fetal pole. They saw the first two, which measure right on at 5w 5d, but not the last. See, this stuff developes with in days. So, it could be that we are just a day early. OR, it could mean that the baby is not growing appropriately.

Here's the game plan. We wait. (I've mentioned how NOT patient I am, right?) I had blood work done today to see if my numbers have risen at all since my last draw. If they have, then we wait again until monday to do another scan. if they dropped, well, I'm sure you know the conclusion there.

Just when I thought I was having an "easier" pregnancy this time around. I've just been brought back to my knees, begging God to keep my baby safe.

Before I leave you with too much gloom, I'd just like to take a moment to say this: Since having my children, this is the FIRST ultrasound I have made it to. It still feels like a miracle. Even though I didn't hear a beating heart, and there was no fetal pole, I saw my baby on that screen. Its itty bitty body being formed in my womb. God knows all about my baby right now. He knows if its going to make it, he knows if its a girl or boy, and he knows this child by name. He has formed it in my womb.

Here's a picture of my miracle.

No time

I feel like this last week has gone by really fast (except, of course, the moments in which I was waiting for test results. then it was crawling by!) I haven't had a chance to fill you in on the latest news on my blog. I've twittered a tad more, but haven't had the time to sit down and blog about it all.

Thursday I started to get a little panicky about waiting until monday for my next blood draw. Silly me decided to look at my charts of previous pregnancies and see when it started to go sour. It was basically that third blood draw when the poop hit the fan. So, I decided to call Dr. H and ask if I could come in on friday morning.

Thursday evening, after E got home, I settled down a little. Friday morning, though, was more of the same. I didn't want to call again, and seem like the crazy miscarriage lady, so I just went about my morning. Dr. H's office called around 8:30 and said I could come in at 9:45. (Can I just say that I love them!) I got my results the same day, like usual.

My hcg was at 1658, progesterone still at 20. Hurray! For review my numbers were:
14 days past ovulation: hcg 210
16 days past ovulation: hcg 600
18 days past ovulation: hcg 1658

for those of you who don't know a lot about hcg numbers (and who haven't read my other blog post about hcg numbers) its just supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Mine doubled in 32. yay!

The other exciting thing is that they went ahead and scheduled me for my first ultrasound. I thought I was going to have to wait until next week, when I'll be 6 weeks. The nurse said that we may not be able to hear a heart beat. However, she said that "we'll be able to see what we need to see". I'll go back again at 8 weeks for another ultrasound.

I can't believe I've made it far enough to schedule an ultrasound. Granted, I haven't made it past the 5 week mark, yet (that's on monday). But, things are looking very promising.

Praise God!

Way back Whensday, (plus sad news, good news, and MORE!)

First, let me start off with my way back whensday post (I promise that I'll give you what you're looking for here in a minute!)

My friend Raechel, who is a chatty (or wordy, in the blog world) kind of person thought that it was too difficult to post a Silent Sunday or Wordless Wednesday. So, she came up with the idea of Way Back Whensday. Its a chance to show off fun old pictures, but with words!

So, Here I go! Senior picture day!

This was actually my favorite of all of my senior pictures. Sepia was just starting to become "popular" and I had never seen anyone's senior pictures with that effect. Black and White, yes. Sepia- no. (keep in mind that this was 1999- the summer before my senior year.)

I look so young, and skinny!

I about died when the photographer wanted me to be "serious". If you know me, I tend to NOT be serious.

Lastly- here's a cheerleading picture from my senior year. I include it because it reminds me of something. I broke my foot in November of 1999. Right before my ACTs, my school musical, (in which I had a major role) and my cheerleading pictures. If you look closely, you can see my cast on my left foot (the one facing the camera). Ah, good times.

I'll start with the sad news, now. Today is a due date. A due date of one of my miscarriage babies. Those due date deals are so difficult. Really, they are. Even though I'm pregnant again, I still miss that baby that was due today. I'll always miss him/her. We love you and miss you, little one!







Now, the GOOD news, I'm elated with the information that Dr. H called with. My beta hcg was 600 today! (woot, woot!) Almost triple what it was on Monday! They said that everything is looking GREAT and that I don't have to go back in until Monday morning. Yay! YAY!

I'm ecstatic, elated, delighted, tickled pink, happy, and hopeful. But, at the same time, there's this lingering fear that something will still happen. I've never made it past 5 weeks with my other babies (minus my two living children, of course) and I'm not there yet. There's this fear that still lingers, tempting me to give in and give up my joy. But, I will hold onto the promise that God has given me. He will give me the peace I need.

Someone hold my hand

I'm a nervous wreck today. I have my blood work at 8:30 at Dr. H's office. I don't know why, but I'm extremely nervous. A few days ago, I was pretty sure I wasn't pregnant. But, after my temperatures remained above the cover line, (in fact, pretty high for me...especially 14 dpo!) I am feeling a little more optimistic.

I want to be optimistic. But, I don't want to be too optimistic. Because that just sets me up for a major disappointment. Know what I mean?

Can someone come hold my hand today when I get that phone call?

thoughts

I've had lots of ideas for topics to blog on lately- but no motivation to put those thoughts into words. Well, understandable and fluent words at least. I thought I should at least update so you didn't think I disappeared.

Update 1: O's abdominal x-ray showed an excessive amount of stool in her bowels. We then had to load her up on Miralax until she had a giant poo, then continue on a smaller dose until she sees the GI dr. Since O hasn't been to see Dr. McClellan in over a year, we are now NEW patients. Since we are NEW patients, we have to wait an eternity to get an appointment. First available: June 5! No way in heck I'm making my baby stay on a laxative for 2 mths. I called today and got it moved up to May 6. I'll call next week to see if they've had any additional cancellations.

You know what's funny about it all, though? I used to be petrified to call, well, anyone and ask them to do something for me. Especially in a situation like this, where the "norm" is to wait and I'm asking for a "favor". However, since having children I've gotten over it (along with a lengthy list of other things like a desire for clean floors...) I now have to be an advocate for someone else, not just myself. If I don't make the call, its not just me that suffers, but my child. Motivates me, just a tad. Of course, I still hate doing it. Every single second of it.

Update 2: Its been an interesting few days on the TTC front. The injection I gave myself on saturday evening was supposed to force my body to ovulate sunday or early monday morning. Yesterday afternoon I was still feeling bloated and very tender near my ovaries. I came to the conclusion that I did in fact ovulate the egg from the large follicle, but there were several others that were smaller- just having fun. I think those "fun" ones were the culprit of yesterday's pain. I'm feeling much better today. yay!

Since the night of the injection I've been having a tingling feeling in my left foot. Like its almost falling asleep- but not quite. I called the Dr. H and he said it is not a side effect of the Ovidrel. If it continues, I'll have to see my family practitioner. Yippee. Another dr.'s appointment. Right now, its not painful- just bothersome.

Update 3: I'm starting to get a little nervous about my doula training. Its in less than a week! 4 days away! E isn't being super supportive of it all right now. He's upset that I spent so much money on it. Meanwhile, I'm scared I won't know where to go, I'll get lost, I'll be late, I won't understand, I won't have anyone to talk to or eat lunch with. I feel like I'm in junior high again! Bring on the "getting to an exam with out knowing the information" or "going to class with out shoes" nightmares. I'm sure my subconscious will have a hay day with this!

At the same time, I'm super excited! My friend Raechel is letting me stay with her, (thank you Rae! You are so great!) and hopefully we'll be able to spend at least a few minutes catching up. I'm excited to learn more about being a doula and be able to grow in my passion for all things baby related. yay!

This post has officially taken me about 3 hours to complete. ha! NOW I know why I haven't posted in a while. Its not a lack of words, its a lack of time to form a complete thought!

Happy tuesday, my friends.

just a medical update

Everything looked peachy at my scan today. Left side looked quiet and right side had one large follicle and several smaller ones. Its in stark contrast to the last round of clomid we did. (I had 3 mature follicles ready to release eggs last time.) Looks like twins aren't in it this go around. ;)

My blood work came back great today and I'll do the first trigger shot tomorrow. Then, follow up on Wednesday, then again on Sunday. I'll go back in on the 27th for blood work to check my progesterone levels and hcg levels.

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On the topic of medical stuff, O had her 4 year check up today. She weighed 28lbs and was 37 inches. Just below the chart in both areas. (I think its like almost the 0%- close to the chart, though!) She passed her eye exam with flying colors, but lost most cooperation on the hearing test. She was NOT amused with the beeps enough to even answer more than two. They'll recheck it next year.

Most everything looked good. There's always something with her, though... The dr. was concerned about her lack of interest in dairy products- especially things like ice cream and chocolate milk. I told the dr. about O's bm stains and complaints of belly pain, too, and that made her even more concerned. She went ahead and ordered a stomach x-ray today (which we already had done!) and a follow up appointment with the GI dr. if nothing shows up on the x-ray.

When the dr. pulled up O's dress to check her lungs, O seemed to have sprung a rash on her neck, face, and torso in a matter of mere minutes. I realized that she had some vanilla milk at Target about 20 minutes prior. The dr. thought that there's a chance that it could be related and scheduled some more allergy testing. O was tested for milk allergies when she was younger (18mths or so) when she was having consistent diarrhea. The allergist was a jerk, so we'll be doing the blood work at the ped's office this time instead.

Hopefully there's nothing invasive for her beyond blood work. My poor daughter has seen enough medical professionals in her lifetime. Between FTT (failure to thrive) and her Kidney Reflux, she's been poked, prodded, x-rayed, and stuck too many times in her 4 years. This newest concerned is just one more thing for my poor baby girl to endure. Just at her x-ray today, she started to get very worked up at the sight of the machine. Its the same machine they used to do her reflux tests, (VCUGs) and those are scary and painful!

Well, off to deal with A. No nap for him- too many sirens and too many pings and pangs from hail on his window sill today.

I forgot! Way back Whensday

Raechel reminded me with her tardy Way back Whensday post. I forgot! I already had it all geared up to go, and I forgot to post.

This was actually in January of 2002, but 7 years ago. :) Its from our engagement night. Yes, we were in our jammies. I was staying the night at his parent's house in Grand Rapids. We were sitting on the couch, watching football, after dinner and an IMAX movie. Notice E's jammies really aren't jammies. He had to have a pocket to put the ring in.

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I have been feeling sort of down the last few days. Which is weird. Normally, when I've finally figured out that I'm not pregnant I get really sad, then hopeful again. I'm not hopeful today.

Its even stranger that I'm not hopeful since we went and talked with Dr. H on Tuesday. Normally, forming a new game plan boosts my outlook. However, I'm not confident that anything is going to work. That makes me kind of sad to even type that.

I just feel like I'm so alone. Alone in my constant grief. Alone in my struggle to remain pregnant. Alone in my hopelessness. I just broke down crying yesterday and prayed that God would help me physically feel him wrap his arms around me. I know it sounds silly, but I so just need a hug from him. Just to let me cry on his shoulder and hold me in his embrace. While I know he is there, I just really need to FEEL it.

I know this is so juvenile, but I want my turn. I want it to be MY turn to be pregnant. Like, really, really pregnant. Not just positive pregnancy test pregnant. I want to be able to feel the life inside of me, not just know it exists. I want to look through a baby name book. I want to pick out new nursery stuff. I want a baby. A whole, healthy, sweet and precious baby.

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For those of you who are interested, here's our latest on the ttc forefront.

Last month I really felt like God was saying to take a break from the meds. We did. Then, Dr. H started talking about the laproscopy. We prayed about it. While I still think it would be beneficial to do the surgery, we've decided to take the more conservative route and go back on the medication. Its not my favorite thing in the world. I hate how it makes me feel- like I'm going through menopause. But, I think its for the best. We'll revisit the surgery option in two months.

In addition to the regular round of clomid, we'll be trying something new this month. Since last month (and a few months before) I started spotting waaaaaaay before my period, we're going to try to boost my luteual phase- or give it some support. I'll be doing injections of HCG (Ovadril) every few days. Of course that means no home pregnancy tests (but, E rejoices on that! saves us grocery money, I suppose) since it will definitely show up positive with in 7 days of the shot. The hope is that the HCG will thicken my uterine lining and give natural progesterone support (with out progesterone supplements) as well as give the embryo (if there is one) a boost of extra HCG. I definitely think that this could be helpful, since my hcg numbers were always so low. Maybe the extra boost will be what my body needs.

I'm cancelling

Well, I asked God to make it clear what I was supposed to do. I was feeling so conflicted about the best course of action, feeling sad about the birth control, and nervous about the surgery itself. My answer came: via my husband.

E doesn't want to move forward with the surgery right now. He wants to meet in person with the dr. first to discuss our "game plan" so to speak. He wants to speak, in person, with Dr. H about the surgery itself, along with what he thinks is going on NOW (since he's now experienced my loss first hand, and not through medical records)

So, I called today to see if they have an opening before Tuesday. If they do, we'll keep the surgery date as planned. If they don't, we'll be waiting on the surgery.

In the meantime, I'm still confused. But, I'm feeling a tad more peaceful.

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I'm taking cupcakes into school for O's birthday today. She was very insistent that I add sprinkles, and not just plain frosting. Apparently, plain frosted cupcakes don't taste as good. She also, very excitedly, went outside with me yesterday to hang the "birthday flag". I bought the birthday flag at a local street market this summer. I thought it would be a cute little tradition we could do for birthdays. It says, "Happy Birthday!" then it has a section to put Velcro numbers and it says "I'm ______ years old!" We used it for E's birthday in December. However, I think the 4 looks cuter than the 28.

I'm a little sad, actually, that my baby is almost four. But, she's so super excited, how can I NOT join in the fun?

Its scheduled

I called and talked with my RE's office today. Basically we came to the conclusion that now would be the best time to do the surgery IF I'm going to do it. Especially since I am starting a new job in just a few short weeks.

However, I will be taking a birth control pill until the surgery. The surgery is scheduled a week from today- so pretty soon before I ovulate. The nurse said that if I'm gearing up to ovulate, everything is inflamed, and Dr. H won't be able to see in there. Taking birth control, however short a period, seems so counter-productive.

Anyway- its scheduled, but I still haven't "decided". Its scheduled because I wanted to make sure I got in, (if we decide to do it) before my new job starts. E and I really need to think and pray on it a little more before we decide for sure.

*sigh* Want to know what's holding me back? The thought of not being able to have a 2009 baby if I take the birth control. Silly, I know. But, to think that I have to miss out this month makes me sad. The crazy part about it all is that even if I did get pregnant, the chance it would survive is slim according to my track record. But, yet, I'm sad about missing out on a December baby that I may or may not even have.

The next step

I feel nervous. I've just been really praying that God would lead us in our TTC journey. Leading us to do the procedures he wants us to do, making it clear when there are ones that he doesn't want us to do. To give us, (mainly me) peace in our decisions.

As I mentioned before, the last time Dr. H and I spoke, he said something about the possibility of a laparoscopy after another loss. At the time, I was consumed with grief (from learning that we were about to loose another baby) that I was unable to really ask questions, or even think of questions.

I called the office today to tell them that I had started my period. I was expecting a little lashing because I left a message saying that we weren't going to do the Clomid this month. I also asked why Dr. H wanted to wait on the laparoscopy. Is there a magic number of losses to do this procedure, or is he trying to spare me from testing/surgery, or what? I wasn't really expecting much in the answer back. Last time I approached him about changing up the plan, it wasn't received well.

Anyway, during naps today, my phone started vibrating. I knew it was the dr's office, but A was laying with me and was just back asleep. I didn't want to answer, or leave the bed and wake him up. I got the voicemail just a little bit ago. The nurse said that Dr. H says there's no real reason to wait if I'd like to proceed with the laparoscopy.

So, do I want to proceed with the laparoscopy? I definitely feel like some thing's wrong with my body- and not an issue with our 6 babies. But, is it the right thing to do? Is it what I should do?

Guide our hearts, Lord. We need your direction. Is this the next step?

Let it be

Last night O was asking what "A man" meant. Meaning, why do we pray, and then say "A Man". It took everything I had inside of me to not burst out laughing. O, in all her almost-four-year-oldness, thought that we were saying A Man because she's heard those two words before. A Man. Amen, isn't a word that "means" anything to her, yet.

So, I promptly tell her, through my silent chuckles, that we say "Amen" not "A Man". I fully expected that to be the end of that. Nope. She then says, "well, momma, what does A-MEN mean?"


My mind quickly reeled through files, knowing it had the answer in there somewhere. From high school bible class? Maybe a bible study? A Sunday morning sermon? Somewhere, I knew the answer.

"Let it be" That was the answer that I pulled out of some random file. So I told her, "It means let it be. You're agreeing that you want God to let it be, all of the things you prayed for." She stared at me. I simplified it a tad for her, struggling to find the right words for a little girl. I tried and tried again, but she still just stared at me.

Oh well. I was pretty darn proud of myself for evening remembering what Amen meant. lol. I think she understood the gist of it. I think she was mostly concerned why we say "A Man" after we pray. After I cleared that up, she was happy.

What does this have to do with the price of beans in Argentina? Or in relation to our TTC journey? Not much, except for the fact that E and I were discussing what to do next month when I go back to see Dr. H. I've just felt really impressed to NOT do fertility medications for a little while.

I understand the thoughts behind them: to get more eggs fertilized to get more chances for a healthy baby. But, I feel God calling me and telling me to just give it a break. One, I'm not convinced that the problem is Embryonic. Secondly, I feel like God is telling me to give him room to work. Thus far, I've liked my little sense of control. I can't really control much, so it makes me feel better to take a pill, OPK's, my temperature, etc just because that's stuff that I can control.

I'm not sure when it started, but I've just felt this tugging at my heart. God saying "give it to me. Give it all to me." So I am. Everything. I'm praying through it all, for peace mostly. But, I'm also praying that God will bless me with another living child. I'm saying "let it be."

Stages of Grief

I've been wondering if there's a numb stage somewhere in the 5 stages of grief. That's pretty much how I feel today. Numb. I cried my eyes out yesterday... Today- nothing. Dry as a bone. Or maybe its denial. Denial that what happened yesterday didn't really happen.

As I happened apon a website with the 5stages of grief, I realized that numbness is in there. In the depression section (which, really surprised me, actually. I wouldn't consider myself depressed, but rather: "detached")

I read a lot of the book of Job in my bible today. That whole situation just baffles me. I still don't "get it". Maybe I will by the time I finish the book, but right now, it doesn't make sense to me.

Job says in chapter 6, verses 11-13

"What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient? Do I have the strength of stone? Is my flesh bronze? Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?"

I get this. I really do. I feel completely hopeless and I am lacking in strength. I just don't know if I can even attempt to try again.

E thinks that we should go ahead and try during the month of February. Dr. H said that we could try on our own if we'd like this month, then in March start back with the meds. Honestly, if I had to decide today, it would be to stop trying. I don't know if I can bear to go through this again. Every time I feel like I'm healing, it happens again and I have to start over. Except, I'm never really starting over from scratch. Its not like "poof" I'm healed, and I never get sad or think about my babies. There's always the hurt and sadness of missing them. Even when I feel like I'm healing, its always there. Each time I loose one, I think to myself that "I should be used to this by now." I should be used to the loss, sadness, disappointment. But, I'm not. It seems like it should be easier, but it gets harder. Each one is harder and harder and harder.

A friend, (who in the past has said some pretty stupid things to say to someone who's grieving) told me that she couldn't wait to get to heaven to meet all of my little saints. I don't believe that they are Saints (she's Catholic) I do believe that they are there. Each one of them. This is how I know:


Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you formed my inward parts;you knitted me together in my mother's womb.14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. [1]Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well.15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,intricately woven in the depths of the earth.16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,the days that were formed for me,when as yet there was none of them.

Its never easy

So- I just got my results back.

8.5



Basically, the nurse said this can go either way (as I well know). I am indeed pregnant. However, my numbers are barely there. Progesterone was great, 24. All other levels were good, too. But that darn hcg level just doesn't want to work with us. Which is why the test was so light.

The nurse said its good that the progesterone is high: it means my body is trying to support this pregnancy.

I just have this horrible sinking feeling. I'm already starting to grieve because I can feel what's coming. The lighter, then darker, then lighter tests (the one from this morning was lighter than yesterday afternoon's) make me believe that this pregnancy has already ended.

The nurse said if this goes south, it will do so over the weekend. She doubted I'd start bleeding yet, since my progesterone is still quite high. But, if I do, I need to call them. *sigh*

If, by some miracle, this baby kicks it into gear on Monday, Dr. H will be putting me on some type of shot. I forget the name right now. But, I guess its a medicine that you have to stick with. Once you go on it, you can't come off of it until the second trimester. They want to make sure the baby is viable first.

Here I am again. In this same position I've been so many times now. Waiting on God to do something miraculous.