Thursday, December 2, 2010

Memories of yester year

As I's birthday approaches, I've been feeling more and more nastolgic.  Remembering what was going on this day, last year, with him still in my belly.  Unaware that we would meet him oustide the womb in 13 short days.  Worrying about dialation, amniotic fluid levels, labor, and the birth itself.  Breathing in the fresh baby scent of my friend's newborn.

  I don't remember being this sad with the older two.  It could be because I was already pregnant with A one O's birthday.  As for A's first birthday, I knew we would have more children.  It didn't bother me as much. 

God willing, Isaac will not be our last child.  However, I now know the reality that our plans are just that: plans.  We have very little control over life and death.  Maybe just knowing that it is not in my control is what is making me sad.  Knowing that if I have to go through losses again for a 4th child, I don't know that we will. Knowing that Isaac could be my last, even if I don't want him to be.

I'm trying to trust in God.  Giving my plans up to him.  His will be done.  But, its quite hard to give up my ideals, and the picture in my head.  Its even harder when I feel like some one is missing from our family. I may always feel that way, though, because of the number of children not here with us. 

I'm sure this is all jumbled.  I'm sorry for that.  As I type it, I realize its not a very put-together post.  But, its a real-time post.  Things that are on my mind this minute, and for the last few days.


Devan said...

I understand it. ;)

Jhene said...

Hi Tracy,

I am so sorry for your losses. I deeply appreciate the attention you have brought to the topic of miscarriage. After my own experiences I needed to believe that the world was different in a positive way because of the losses. I was driven to create something that would not have existed had I not miscarried. A filmmaker by trade, what resulted is a ten-minute short film The House I Keep, about a woman who struggles to come to terms with the loss of her baby through miscarriage. A relentless war between her internal and external life has plagued her recovery until she stumbles upon a curious symbol of hope that helps lead her back to peace.

After screenings of The House I Keep, I have been overwhelmed by the heartbreaking stories of miscarriage that women have felt compelled to share. These gatherings became transformative. Discussing the film has provided an 'appropriate’ place to share their own stories. Their silence was broken and isolation bridged. My mission for the film is to improve the mental health of women and their families mourning miscarriage by providing an identifiable voice through the film. The film is a platform for discussion and understanding, and hence, an impetus for healing.

With the film now complete, and ready to premiere in 2011, we are doing everything we can to raise awareness about the topic of miscarriage and our film. Please visit our website at for more detailed information about the film. If you like what you see, please join us on facebook at Anything you can do to help us spread the word is, of course, very much appreciated!

Kindest regards,
Jhene Erwin
Producer/Co-Director/Writer – The House I Keep