As I's birthday approaches, I've been feeling more and more nastolgic. Remembering what was going on this day, last year, with him still in my belly. Unaware that we would meet him oustide the womb in 13 short days. Worrying about dialation, amniotic fluid levels, labor, and the birth itself. Breathing in the fresh baby scent of my friend's newborn.
I don't remember being this sad with the older two. It could be because I was already pregnant with A one O's birthday. As for A's first birthday, I knew we would have more children. It didn't bother me as much.
God willing, Isaac will not be our last child. However, I now know the reality that our plans are just that: plans. We have very little control over life and death. Maybe just knowing that it is not in my control is what is making me sad. Knowing that if I have to go through losses again for a 4th child, I don't know that we will. Knowing that Isaac could be my last, even if I don't want him to be.
I'm trying to trust in God. Giving my plans up to him. His will be done. But, its quite hard to give up my ideals, and the picture in my head. Its even harder when I feel like some one is missing from our family. I may always feel that way, though, because of the number of children not here with us.
I'm sure this is all jumbled. I'm sorry for that. As I type it, I realize its not a very put-together post. But, its a real-time post. Things that are on my mind this minute, and for the last few days.