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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Scars

Scars are interesting things.  They tell stories of our wounds.  They remind us of mistakes or hurts.  They almost always stay with us our entire lives.

I don't have pretty scars.  In fact, I scar really badly.  They are always puffy, huge, and just generally icky looking.  My stretch marks, (which are really scars) are the perfect example.  Deep, puffy, and colorful. 

One time, back in high school, I cut myself on a spring that came out of my parents couch.  It cut the fleshy part of the back of my upper arm.  It hurt, and it bled a tiny bit, but nothing that needed stitches and it was easily taken care of with a few band aids.  It healed in a week or so.  I STILL have a MASSIVE scar from that.  Its still puffy, very pink, and, actually, its still tender.

My c/s scar is another example.  A few of my friends have mentioned that their c/s scars have faded away.  My c/s was over 6 years ago.  The edges have faded but the center is still puffy, pink, and slightly painful if pressed/kicked/hit/shaved.

When I first had my c/s, it was very painful.  The incision hurt like heck for a long time.  Eventually, it stopped hurting so bad all of the time.  It only hurt when I was on my stomach or did sit ups.  Then, it stopped hurting unless I poked my incision site. Now, its only painful if it has direct contact with something sharp or hard.

It seems like my grief from losing all of our babies is similar.  At first, it hurt all of the time. It hurt badly all. of. the. time.  Then, after a little while, I would go a few days with out it crippling me.  Then, a few weeks.  Now, it seems it only creeps in when I come in direct contact with something hard.

I used to think that getting pregnant post-miscarriage and having a live baby would relieve my grief. But, unfortunately, it doesn't. It helps fade my scars, and it keeps me from thinking about them all of the time. But, those puffy, pink, deep scars will be with me the rest of my life.

You wouldn't think my own pregnancy would trigger grief and sadness.  But, it does.  When I look at the ultrasounds of our new precious baby, I'm reminded off all of the babies we never got to see.  All of the babies we never got to hear heartbeats from.  All of the babies we grieved over.  All of the babies that are missing from our family.

So it seems, right now, something hard is pressing into my scars, and it hurts. 

Isaiah 53:4-5


Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken,Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.

5 comments:

Sarah said...

I still think about our lost babies a lot, too. Having a baby has certainly helped a lot, and it's something that rarely hurt me anymore, but I can remember the fresh grief in an instant if I choose to let in. I think I block it a lot, so it becomes simply a fact to recite for my medical charts: "six pregnancies, three births." But if I THINK about that fact? Pain, just as vivid as the day the ultrasound tech told me the bad news.
((hugs))

d e v a n said...

((hug))

Birdie said...

Awww...this post really touched me. I love the Scripture you included. I'm so thankful for our Heavenly Father.

Dawn said...

Awe Tracy you are in my prayers. It is only natural for you to think of your angel babies while pregnant with another miracle. God bless.

Paulina said...

Loved it! And love the verse at the end. One of your posts inspired me to read Job and it said something similar. It's great to know that we have the great healer by our side!