Dear, (the water park eddition)

Dear mother of the 4 week old baby,
Your baby is precious, but please tell me that he's adopted or that your husband carried him in HIS womb for 9 months.  Please!  Otherwise, other mothers will be loathing themselves as they look at you and your flat abs in your itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, bright pink bikini. 
Sincerely,
Other mother

Dear very pale and very big man,
I will help you put sunscreen on your back.  But, only because I can spray it on.  If it was a rub on kind, well, you know... You'd probably be burnt.
You're welcome,
A little weirded out


Dear Eliza,
I appreciate the fact that you were pretty tired at the water park.  I don't usually mind holding you, either.  But, the fact that you took your longest nap in an entire week, in my arms, so I could not move or enjoy the said water park was a little inconsiderate. 
Love,
Your I-sat-for-over-an-hour-holding-you Mommy

Dear big kids,
I love that you are both tall enough to go on the slides!  What a fun time we had!
Love,
Some parts of growing up are fun

Dear E,
I know she's "your daughter, too" but I clearly have an irrational fear of children drowning.  So, lets not push my trigger as far as it will go before I snap.  I don't really want you to take our 8 month old daughter into the wave pool in the deep end.  She's tiny.  What if she slips?  How would you find her with all of those people?  What if she gets water in her lungs and then "dry drowns" later?  What if...
Always,
I'll stop now

Dear water park,
you and your awesome smelling fries sort of suck.
With regrets,
Soy and dairy free

Dear multiple women in the bikinis that have a stomach like mine,
I wish I had your moxie.  You, clearly, must have some amazing self esteem that I lack.  Rock it girl, rock it.
Regards,
too many stretch marks

Dear lady in a too-small bikini,
Please stop glaring at me while I feed my infant under this nursing cover.  I am showing amazingly less skin than you at this moment. 
Farewell,
Not showing any boobage