I would apologize for not blogging in several months, but...its life. Ya know?
What brought me back was actually a google search. I typed in "turning down doula clients", sort of looking for professional wording to do that exact thing. My OWN blog popped up. In it, I mention having around 1 client a month. Wow. That was a LONG time ago. Or, it feels like it was.
In October, I have 4 clients. Thankfully, one of them already gave birth (in one of my favorite births so far. If every birth could be that perfect...) but I have 3 more left. 2 of them are due in the next few days. Of course, if I let it, I start getting anxiety with the timing of those births. What if they go at the same time? What if I'm at a birth during Eliza's birthday party? (total rabbit train, but, guys, she's going to be TWO next week!!) What if I have a birth every weekend and I can't get in my long runs.
Long runs you say? Oh, yeah. I've been training for a half marathon. For several months now. Which, who knows if I'll even be able to run said race. I hurt my knee Saturday running 12 miles (another aside- did you know I WALKED the mile in high school. yeah. I did. And that same lady/girl ran 12 miles Saturday.) somewhere around mile 10. But, I was two miles from my car. I had to get there some way or another. You probably know all of this if you're my face book friend. Since, I basically had a breakdown there about my knee.
I had another break down last night. I was at the counter, making dinner. E tried to hug me, but when I'm stressed (which I was) I don't like to be touched. He asked why I was stressed and asked what he could do. My answer went like this:
"well, I am overwhelmed. I'm trying to make dinner and Isaac and Eliza are fighting for a turn to watch and help me. I have to make something separate for Eliza and I tonight, so have to make two different dinners. I'm sick of making two different dinners. The kids never eat theirs anyway. The kids never listen. They left their stuff all over when they got home. This house is a mess. There are things everywhere. We're having small group here tonight and there's crumbs all over the rug. 2 of my clients are due this weekend, and I need them to go at different times, but not on top of each other. Then again, I don't even know if I can DO my job with the way my knee hurts. My knee hurts so bad. I'm scared I'm not going to be able to run my half. What if I have to stop running for a long time?!? I'm going to gain weight."
E's response: "well, I can vacuum the rug."
Which, really, is about the only thing in that long list of things that any of us can control, right?