Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Embracing hope

noun, verb, hoped, hop⋅ing.

1.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.

4.a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.

5.something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope. –verb (used with object) look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory. –verb (used without object) feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.

9.Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in).

Its interesting that #9 is "to place trust". In this definition, it seems as though "hope" and "faith" are closely related. I have always thought that it was easier to hope than to have faith. Because hope is often self-centered, having hope for something comes from your ability to think positively. Where as faith, is placing your desires, thoughts, etc in someone else's hands. But, now that I think about it, faith is placing your HOPE in someone else. Placing my hope in God to protect my little babe is suspiciously like faith.

Here is what I am now struggling with: the facts. The facts are:
*I am %50 likely to miscarry this baby. Those are just my odds from my medical history.
*My last pregnancy hcg numbers doubled, twice, and the pregnancy still failed
*I have miscarried every baby since the birth of my son.
*I have yet to make it to 6 weeks with any of those babies.
*Every time I go to the bathroom, I get panicky, and look for blood
* I'm scared. Really scared.

The reason I'm struggling with the facts is that I desire so much, to celebrate this little life with-in my body. My sweet little baby deserves a more excited entrance into the world! I think back, to most of my previous pregnancies, and I was signing up for pregnancy updates, emails, coupons, and made a ticker the day I got my positive test. Maybe it was the pain it caused me to undo all of those things before that has prohibited me from doing ANY of them now. Up until today, I hadn't even looked up my due date. Strictly because it hurts so much when you loose a baby and then have to function on your due date with out a precious little person to hold. It almost seems better to not know. (I know that I have a baby angel due date coming in just 2 weeks and then another just 6 weeks from then. It is so hard to think about it.)

Anyway, I decided today that I would look at my due date and be hopefull. I love this baby and I don't want to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. God has given me a little babe, even if its only for a short period of time. I will have hope! I love this babe, and I want to cherish it!


Lisa said...

That is the right outlook to have T!

T- said...

You WILL have a happy and healthy nine months!

Melanie said...

I am hopeful with you, Tracy. Still praying, and I hope you will feel comfortable enough to enjoy this very soon (but I totally understand where you are coming from).