Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I get on my knees

Its weird, but whenever I start to feel at peace with my life, I can almost immediately start to feel the sadness creep in again. In my last post, I talked about how this part of my pregnancy is my favorite. It still is. But, in the last few days, I've found myself thinking about my lost babies a lot. I know that it will always be like that- a come and go kind of thing. But, often, it comes when I'm really not expecting it.

What triggered this bout of sadness was a facebook post authored by a long-time friend of mine. She simply posted: "I can't believe I only have 8 weeks left!" How could that possibly trigger sadness? She and I shared an October due date. I was due the exact same day as her. So, when I read "only 8 weeks left", I am reminded of that precious baby that I would've been holding in just 8 short weeks.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give up this little man in my uterus now, not the one I've felt rolling, kicking, punching. I realize that I could not give birth both that baby and this guy. But, I still miss him/her. I still wish that I didn't have to say good bye so soon.

It is getting easier, of course, to deal with the grief when it hits. Mainly BECAUSE of baby boy. But, honestly, I thought that once I got pregnant and it stuck, that I wouldn't be crying over the one's I lost. But, I've slowly come to realize that that grief never goes away. It just gets easier to deal with, and its not as constant.

And, now, for the shameless photo plug of my children- on their knees, praying.


Amanda Hoyt said...

Hi Tracy,
I've been following you for a while and I think this is my first time to comment. I've been praying for you, this baby and your family. I know the feelings you are feeling - they are all too real for me too, unfortunately.
I guess when we feel the sadness creep in, all we can do is lean on Our Lord for support.
Hugs and prayers,

Courtney said...

Oh what a precious and beautiful picture. :)

As for the sadness-Believe me, it doesn't end. I have moments when I look at my brand new baby girl and see the same traits our first daughter had and just cry and let myself miss her for awhile, but still I thank God for this little angel in my arms..You will always miss them..Thinking of you.

T- said...


d e v a n said...

I love that picture! <3