Friday, October 28, 2011

The honest truth

I've been having a hard time adjusting to the fact that Eliza will (likely) be our last baby. As much as I was sure about it when I was pregnant, I am now feeling all weepy and sad about it. 

Eliza is amazing, so precious, and such a blessing. 

But, I still feel like someone is missing. (And they are. Lots of someones. *sigh*) 

I sort of hoped, ignorantly, the feeling of "some one missing" would go away once we had decided that our family was complete.

It doesn't, does it?


Kristin said...

I completely understand where you are at! We have four beautiful and healthy children here...but I still wonder about the one lost and what he/she would have been like. Due date would have been Oct 24,2009. But we had our Elijah in May 2009and he is such a blessing!!

This year I turn 37 and I still wonder if we would ever have more. Proably most likely not. But there are times when I feel like it isn't "over" yet. I didn't feel like my last pg was "my last"...

I am rambling..but I understand. You daughter is beautiful and although she can't replace those babes that are with Jesus she sure makes life here a little more amazing doesn't she?! :)

Enjoy her fully!!

Sarah said...

Oh, I do think it's a little different when you've lost babies early on. I wonder often specifically about the gender, and how different our family structure would be if we'd had those babies too... of course technically I know that if I'd had THOSE babies then I wouldn't have had THESE last two, so... I don't know. It's a weird thing to think about it, I guess, if you do it for too long!
I definitely feel that our family isn't complete yet. I really feel like there's another daughter in our future someday, specifically. Yet, I don't AT ALL feel emotionally ready for another pregnancy, so, we'll just have to take it one month at a time, I guess.
I do hope one day that "done" feeling arrives, but I know it's different for everyone. Some people say they never really feel that way, even when their spouses very definitely do.

Dawn said...

Sadly I don't think it does. But God has blessed us with some pretty amazing little ones He's allowed us to have here on earth. They will never make up for the one's we've lost, but they do help heal that gaping wound more than anything else.

Heidi said...

Aw - I'm so sorry. From my experience the feeling does fade. Just before we got pregnant with Mara I was strongly considering how much longer I wanted to go on and had started feeling a real sense of happiness with the family we had. When we lost her we really wanted to try again and it renewed our drive. But when we came nearer to a year of trying after losing her I once again started to feel that I could be very content with what we had even though I was sad for what we lost.

My mom taught me that feelings happen to us based on our beliefs. While we can't just wave a wand and change our feelings, when we go deeper and face our quietly held beliefs - the ones that we sometimes don't even realize we hold - our feelings will follow. This is what I found to be true for me - as I spent time investigating my sense of fulfillment and completion, I began to learn to experience more contentment even though my life wasn't quite as I would have designed it.

Nothing will really shorten the grief cycle, though, and I can understand how experiencing the amazing blessing of Eliza's presence in your life could unearth some different aspects of grief that need attention. I hate the saying that time heals all wounds, but give the sadness permission to stay as long as it needs and enjoy the precious newborn time as well. I've found two things - that happiness and sadness can coexist more smoothly than it initially seems and that clarity often comes in time.