Saturday, October 15, 2011

In 4 weeks, when I'm holding her, none of this will matter

Right now.  Well, right now I'm feeling a lot of emotions.  (Actually, in addition to emotions, I'm having a painful contraction...)  Anger, sadness, jealousy, impatience.  You know, all good emotions. ;)

Thursday morning, I had an OB appointment.  My OB stretched me, (I was still the same as the previous week, though, with NO change.  boo.) but didn't expect to see me until Monday, during my next appointment.

Thursday afternoon, I woke up from my nap with contractions, around 2:30.  They got stronger and closer together.  Before I actually decided to "go in" they were about every 2 minutes apart.  It took a while for us to gather every thing up and for my in-laws to head over. 

By the time we got to the hospital, it was 7pm and I had been contracting every 2 minutes for 2 hours.  The nurse (who was very new) checked me and I was...wait for it... STILL THE SAME!  Gaah!

So, my doula met us there, got all of our stuff set up, and we went to town with our birth plan: intermittent monitoring, just an IV port, and lots of walking and bouncing on the ball.  I had a lot of contractions, mostly still every 2-3 minutes apart until about 12:30 am.  At this point, they had to keep me on the monitors a little longer because they wanted to watch baby girl's heart rate a little closer.  My contractions started to space out to every 5 minutes.  Then to every 10.  By 2:00, they were only every 15 minutes or so. 

At 2:30, they checked me again and I was the same dilation as in previous checks, but I did make progress in effacement.  Up to 80%.  Trust me, better than nothing, but still frustrating.

By 3:00, my contractions had stopped completely.  I sent my doula home, and we tried to get some sleep.  I was up, for good, at 4:30.  My OB came in at 6 and sent us home.

I have no words for the emotions I felt in that moment.  Or, rather, not enough words.  I had to pack up our stuff, walk down the hall, and out of the hospital with no baby.  Not to mention I had to answer all of the posts on facebook.

So, since Thursday, I've felt like hiding in a hole.  I don't want to see anyone who knows me who might know what happened.  have ANYONE say "oh, you're still pregnant?"  or"You didn't have that baby, yet?" or better yet, my favorite (strickly because I *know* this.  I *know* it.) "She'll come when she's ready."

I don't even want to venture into church tomorrow.  I already told E, as we were leaving in the hospital, that he was going to have to go with out me.

I know I'm being childish.  Especially with the people at church.  They love me and care about me.  But, maybe that is what makes it worse?  Maybe because they know that this pregnancy is my longest yet, and that we've been waiting for baby G's arrival for WEEKS now?

Or because I'm embarrassed.  Okay.  that's probably it.

I'm starting to remember that there is nothing more frustrating in the world than realizing I AM NOT IN CONTROL!  Even though I try to control, I cannot.  Whether it be the birth of my baby girl, the many miscarriages we had, my daughter's anxiety, or my son's speech.  I cannot control everything.  In fact, I have very little control. 

That, my friends, is humbling.  And sort of infuriating.  Now I know remember why my toddler throws things when he doesn't get his way.  It's from the lack of control. 

Now, what can I throw?


Ambitious Blonde said...

Aww Tracy, Hugs! I know it's hard, I can't wait to meet little Miss George ;) P&PT for her to arrive soon!

Sarah said...

Oh Tracy, I'm so so sorry! How frustrating.

d e v a n said...

Love you friend!

Leza said...

I'm sorry she is giving you a hard time on coming out. I can totally relate. For 2 weeks, I've had horrible contractions. we live so far from the hospital that I am supposed to go in when they are 5 minutes apart...well a few nights ago they were 6 minutes apart for an hour and I was miserable...then, suddenly they stopped! I have made progress on the dilation department..but, not enough. So, I can totally sympathize with what you're feeling. I hope she comes soon at least with in the next 7 days so you're not miserable. I also understand the wanting to hide part. I skipped church the last two weeks and this might sound worse than yours...but, two girls at church who were due AFTER me gave birth in the last month and I didn't want to hear people talk about how "i am ready to pop" and how they can't believe the other girls beat me. It's just not fair! Silly, huh?

I'm praying you get your girl out soon and you have a fast, healthy delivery!

Kristin said...

Since I haven't seen or heard anything I am assuming that your sweet girl is taking her time still? Praying for you and asking that God fill you with peace!!