In 4 weeks, when I'm holding her, none of this will matter

Right now.  Well, right now I'm feeling a lot of emotions.  (Actually, in addition to emotions, I'm having a painful contraction...)  Anger, sadness, jealousy, impatience.  You know, all good emotions. ;)

Thursday morning, I had an OB appointment.  My OB stretched me, (I was still the same as the previous week, though, with NO change.  boo.) but didn't expect to see me until Monday, during my next appointment.

Thursday afternoon, I woke up from my nap with contractions, around 2:30.  They got stronger and closer together.  Before I actually decided to "go in" they were about every 2 minutes apart.  It took a while for us to gather every thing up and for my in-laws to head over. 

By the time we got to the hospital, it was 7pm and I had been contracting every 2 minutes for 2 hours.  The nurse (who was very new) checked me and I was...wait for it... STILL THE SAME!  Gaah!

So, my doula met us there, got all of our stuff set up, and we went to town with our birth plan: intermittent monitoring, just an IV port, and lots of walking and bouncing on the ball.  I had a lot of contractions, mostly still every 2-3 minutes apart until about 12:30 am.  At this point, they had to keep me on the monitors a little longer because they wanted to watch baby girl's heart rate a little closer.  My contractions started to space out to every 5 minutes.  Then to every 10.  By 2:00, they were only every 15 minutes or so. 

At 2:30, they checked me again and I was the same dilation as in previous checks, but I did make progress in effacement.  Up to 80%.  Trust me, better than nothing, but still frustrating.

By 3:00, my contractions had stopped completely.  I sent my doula home, and we tried to get some sleep.  I was up, for good, at 4:30.  My OB came in at 6 and sent us home.

I have no words for the emotions I felt in that moment.  Or, rather, not enough words.  I had to pack up our stuff, walk down the hall, and out of the hospital with no baby.  Not to mention I had to answer all of the posts on facebook.

So, since Thursday, I've felt like hiding in a hole.  I don't want to see anyone who knows me who might know what happened.  have ANYONE say "oh, you're still pregnant?"  or"You didn't have that baby, yet?" or better yet, my favorite (strickly because I *know* this.  I *know* it.) "She'll come when she's ready."

I don't even want to venture into church tomorrow.  I already told E, as we were leaving in the hospital, that he was going to have to go with out me.

I know I'm being childish.  Especially with the people at church.  They love me and care about me.  But, maybe that is what makes it worse?  Maybe because they know that this pregnancy is my longest yet, and that we've been waiting for baby G's arrival for WEEKS now?

Or because I'm embarrassed.  Okay.  that's probably it.

I'm starting to remember that there is nothing more frustrating in the world than realizing I AM NOT IN CONTROL!  Even though I try to control, I cannot.  Whether it be the birth of my baby girl, the many miscarriages we had, my daughter's anxiety, or my son's speech.  I cannot control everything.  In fact, I have very little control. 

That, my friends, is humbling.  And sort of infuriating.  Now I know remember why my toddler throws things when he doesn't get his way.  It's from the lack of control. 

Now, what can I throw?