Wednesday, June 17, 2009

in a funk of sad

The last few days, I've been feeling sad and down. Don't get me wrong, I'm still thrilled that I'm pregnant. Thrilled that I can find the baby's heart beat on the doppler almost every time (and at least once a day. Not that I check more than once a day, of course.) But, still I have a general feeling of sadness.

It stems from a couple of things.

1. I keep thinking about my baby that I lost in January. The one that would've been due in October. I keep running into people who are due in October or see them online, etc. I see them finding out the gender, buying clothes, decorating nurseries. It keeps me thinking and missing that precious baby. I know that I have life inside of me now, and that makes me joyful! But, I will never forget those that I have lost. For some reason, I've been thinking about that particular baby more than usual.

2. It looks like Eric's grandpa, (the one we visited a week and a half ago) is going to die pretty soon. Its all pretty sudden. His arm/shoulder has been hurting for a few months. Apparently, he thought he injured it. While we were there, he was barely able to support it just standing. He needed to be sitting with it resting on something. Anyway, in the course of those few months, his arm started to swell and get hot. We all convinced him to call the dr. ASAP. He went the day we left. They did an x-ray and found a very large mass in his shoulder. The family practitioner didn't really know what it was (a tumor, cancer, etc.) so he was sent off to get a bone scan and a few other tests. It turns out that it is cancer and he has numerous spots on his lungs as well. Before his last appointment on thursday, he started coughing up blood. He is waiting to go see the oncologist in Kansas City next week, but in the mean time, his family practitioner says it doesn't look good. (Of course he also said some other things that sounded a little "off". He isn't an oncologist, of course, so I'm sure that they will be anxious to hear what THAT dr. says.)

3. Eric's sister's birthday was on the 15th. For those of you who don't know, she died from Leukemia several years ago. Her birthday is a hard day for Eric and his parents.

4. I'm pregnant and my hormones are out of control. This may be the main culprit- the underlying current of all of it.

I feel like I should go look up a bible verse that talks about God comforting the sad. But, instead, I'll just say that I *know* God comforts the sad. He comforts me daily.

Eventually, I'll get out of this funk. I'll be back to my chipper self. Or, at least, a larger version of my chipper self.


Lisa said...

It's tough when lots of stuff falls on your shoulders at one time. Hang in there momma and don't feel bad for mourning the loss of your babies.

d e v a n said...

Sorry about E's grandpa and his sis's birthday and the reminders about your loss. I'm sure that must be hard.

Erin said...

I, too, have been in a bit of a funk. I am praying for you and your baby. Here are some scriptures that may help:

"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." Psalm 46:1-2


p.s. When were you first able to find baby's heartbeat with a doppler? I'm about 3 weeks behind you, so I know it may be a little bit longer for me.

Photogrl said...

So much at once...


Jasmine said...

I have never left a comment before, but I've been reading your blog for a while (I think I found it from HWW ironically...). I am sorry you are feeling down lately, but hang in there, I'm sure things will get better, and I'm absolutely sure that it is tough thinking about the babies you have lost... I can't even imagine how hard that is. I think I feel "close" to you because I am due with my second baby the day after you, and although I haven't had the losses you have, I feel kind of glad to "know" someone else who is/will be going through their pregnancy at the same time I am.

Take care, and I hope you feel better soon :)

Anonymous said...

I can understand mourning the baby you lost in January. I lost a baby and got pregnant with Ada 3 months later. I will always feel sad about that baby and conflicted because I feel like feeling sad is weird because we wouldnt have Ada, had we had that baby. I don't know. I was really upset this past year (we lost ours on Mother;s Day) because I just wanted to know *how* to feel, I didn't feel like I knew how I was supposed to feel (whew, that's a lot of feeling). But some friends just helped me to see that God doesn't expect you to feel a certain way. And no way is the right way.

I am rambling. I just wanted you to know that I do know what you're going through. I am sorry. I wish I could say something to help.

ps. your belly is cute!

Anonymous said...

pps. I meant to say no way is the *wrong* way. Sheesh, the other way wasn't too uplifting huh!?

Jennifer said...


I am praying for you and your family.

Jenny said...

That's a lot to deal with. You have every right to feel down.

I hope you start feeling better soon.