The last few days, I've been feeling sad and down. Don't get me wrong, I'm still thrilled that I'm pregnant. Thrilled that I can find the baby's heart beat on the doppler almost every time (and at least once a day. Not that I check more than once a day, of course.) But, still I have a general feeling of sadness.
It stems from a couple of things.
1. I keep thinking about my baby that I lost in January. The one that would've been due in October. I keep running into people who are due in October or see them online, etc. I see them finding out the gender, buying clothes, decorating nurseries. It keeps me thinking and missing that precious baby. I know that I have life inside of me now, and that makes me joyful! But, I will never forget those that I have lost. For some reason, I've been thinking about that particular baby more than usual.
2. It looks like Eric's grandpa, (the one we visited a week and a half ago) is going to die pretty soon. Its all pretty sudden. His arm/shoulder has been hurting for a few months. Apparently, he thought he injured it. While we were there, he was barely able to support it just standing. He needed to be sitting with it resting on something. Anyway, in the course of those few months, his arm started to swell and get hot. We all convinced him to call the dr. ASAP. He went the day we left. They did an x-ray and found a very large mass in his shoulder. The family practitioner didn't really know what it was (a tumor, cancer, etc.) so he was sent off to get a bone scan and a few other tests. It turns out that it is cancer and he has numerous spots on his lungs as well. Before his last appointment on thursday, he started coughing up blood. He is waiting to go see the oncologist in Kansas City next week, but in the mean time, his family practitioner says it doesn't look good. (Of course he also said some other things that sounded a little "off". He isn't an oncologist, of course, so I'm sure that they will be anxious to hear what THAT dr. says.)
3. Eric's sister's birthday was on the 15th. For those of you who don't know, she died from Leukemia several years ago. Her birthday is a hard day for Eric and his parents.
4. I'm pregnant and my hormones are out of control. This may be the main culprit- the underlying current of all of it.
I feel like I should go look up a bible verse that talks about God comforting the sad. But, instead, I'll just say that I *know* God comforts the sad. He comforts me daily.
Eventually, I'll get out of this funk. I'll be back to my chipper self. Or, at least, a larger version of my chipper self.