Thursday, September 3, 2009

A personality change

We're back from our vacation. We had a fabulous time. It was full of sand, water, sun and good food. It was so beautiful and while we were there I felt so blessed. Blessed to be able to afford a vacation, blessed to be able to watch (yes, watch!) baby boy dance around in my uterus from the outside, and blessed to have such a wonderful family.

I had my fair share of fun in the ocean, and my fair share of time relaxing in a beach chair on the sand. But, my attention was never far from my children, even when they were under "daddy's watch". Its not that I didn't or don't trust him, its just that I worry. I worry about my two babies being sucked under, or swallowing too much water. I worry, and I worry.

I guess it was in the midst of worrying that E and I had an interesting conversation. He said, and I quote, "you weren't always so anxious about the kids. Just in the past two years you've started to worry more." To which, I responded, "oh yeah?" Playing innocent is best, I think. He responded back "yeah. You used to be more calm about this kind of stuff. I wonder what changed."

He may wonder what changed, but I don't have to. I know. Before two years ago, I hadn't experienced the extreme hurt of loss after loss. Before two years ago, I had very little happen to me that was "bad". Around two years ago is when I discovered that even babies can be taken from us. Babies that didn't wander too far in the ocean, or swallow too much sea water.
So, yeah, I've changed. I worry about my kids more. I worry about my husband more. I worry about those I love more. Because, I know, (more intimately now,) life is fleeting. Life is unpredictable. Life is fragile.


Charis said...

You never really realize how fleeting life is until you have something so precious taken away. One thing I have taken from all my miscarriages is how thankful I am for the children I have and I appreciate so much more each day I have with them.

Photogrl said...

IF and loss changes us in so many ways, ways that many people just don't understand.

Looks like you had a wonderful vacation...cute pics!

T- said...

I do believe loss changes us and we become hyperaware of the what-ifs.


Heather said...

((hugs)). I am glad you had a great vacation. Great pics

d e v a n said...

I love the pictures! Glad you had a great time.


I too have suffered multiple losses yet as a mother to 3 beautiful children who are growing bigger and more independent everyday I am constantly telling myself that I have to step back and let them grow up.

I am also a L&D nurse that deals with loss almost on a daily basis, keep your faith, it will carry you. You will have all the little lambs you are supposed to have one day :)

sue said...