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Thursday, September 3, 2009

A personality change

We're back from our vacation. We had a fabulous time. It was full of sand, water, sun and good food. It was so beautiful and while we were there I felt so blessed. Blessed to be able to afford a vacation, blessed to be able to watch (yes, watch!) baby boy dance around in my uterus from the outside, and blessed to have such a wonderful family.



I had my fair share of fun in the ocean, and my fair share of time relaxing in a beach chair on the sand. But, my attention was never far from my children, even when they were under "daddy's watch". Its not that I didn't or don't trust him, its just that I worry. I worry about my two babies being sucked under, or swallowing too much water. I worry, and I worry.

I guess it was in the midst of worrying that E and I had an interesting conversation. He said, and I quote, "you weren't always so anxious about the kids. Just in the past two years you've started to worry more." To which, I responded, "oh yeah?" Playing innocent is best, I think. He responded back "yeah. You used to be more calm about this kind of stuff. I wonder what changed."




He may wonder what changed, but I don't have to. I know. Before two years ago, I hadn't experienced the extreme hurt of loss after loss. Before two years ago, I had very little happen to me that was "bad". Around two years ago is when I discovered that even babies can be taken from us. Babies that didn't wander too far in the ocean, or swallow too much sea water.
So, yeah, I've changed. I worry about my kids more. I worry about my husband more. I worry about those I love more. Because, I know, (more intimately now,) life is fleeting. Life is unpredictable. Life is fragile.



7 comments:

Charis said...

You never really realize how fleeting life is until you have something so precious taken away. One thing I have taken from all my miscarriages is how thankful I am for the children I have and I appreciate so much more each day I have with them.

Photogrl said...

IF and loss changes us in so many ways, ways that many people just don't understand.

Looks like you had a wonderful vacation...cute pics!

T- said...

I do believe loss changes us and we become hyperaware of the what-ifs.

*hugs*

Heather said...

((hugs)). I am glad you had a great vacation. Great pics

d e v a n said...

I love the pictures! Glad you had a great time.

FISCHERMAMA said...

I too have suffered multiple losses yet as a mother to 3 beautiful children who are growing bigger and more independent everyday I am constantly telling myself that I have to step back and let them grow up.

I am also a L&D nurse that deals with loss almost on a daily basis, keep your faith, it will carry you. You will have all the little lambs you are supposed to have one day :)

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