wondering if I'm doing it all wrong

I don't feel like I'm an insecure person. I don't think people dislike me. I am confident about who I am. But self doubt, that's a whole 'nother story.

Lately, I've been struggling with the persistent, nagging thought that I'm doing it all wrong. "it" being the whole mothering gig. We're trying to parent biblically, and I pray constantly for guidance, patience, and wisdom. However, when we're in the midst of the parenting battle, when things are going, how I would perceive, poorly, I fight this nagging voice in my head that says "you suck at this. you're not good enough! you're doing everything wrong!"

(Its not so ironic that this is the same voice that crops up in other situations as well. I've always envisioned myself on a worship team at church sometime in the future. But, that small doubt creeps in and says "you're not good enough". Or, when E and I have a fight, I almost always "hear" or perceive him to be saying the same things.)

So when I was reading Proverbs 31 today, I was entranced by the the second part of the chapter. This verse in particular:

28 Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

Blessed?? I have a horrible time thinking that my children, whom I tell "no" fifteen times a day, or send to time out another fifteen times in a day, will ever called ME blessed. What a verse for me to dwell on and think about my own self doubt. But, the really cool and amazing thing is found just 2 verses later.

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

A woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. She's obviously doing something right by the description of the author, and the main thing that I got out of it is that she loves and fears the LORD. All of the other good things that flow from her stem from this one and only fact.

I may suck at parenting, potty training, and a whole load of other things, but I can love the LORD. That, I can do!

Our mom's group halloween party

I didn't dress up for my mom's group Halloween party like my friend, Devan, since my only costume would be a little inappropriate while I'm so pregnant. I'm pretty sure none of my friends want to see my stretch-marked belly popping out of my pirate shirt, or the tops of my thighs from underneath the pirate skirt.

None-the-less, we had a blast!

and update, baby pictures, and another question!

First of all, thanks to all of you who responded to my post about O's nail/toe biting. We did end up buying some stuff to paint on her nails called "Thum". She was doing great, but has now decided it is worth the nasty taste to bite her nails. The dentist gave us some other ideas (hot sauce and honey) and right now just the threat of going back to the dentist to show him her nails is enough to curb her nail biting. There's actually white growing now! We're still having trouble with picking the skin around the nail and toes, but one baby step at a time, right?




Secondly, we got to see baby boy in 3D/4D last week right before our trip to MI. It was so awesome! E and I decided that this new baby boy has A's lips and nose. Too sweet!



We're curious to see what color skin he has. O and A were both born with pale skin. I, however, had dark reddish skin when I was a baby (and a head full of black hair!). E is, to put it nicely, pale. We always thought that the kids would get my skin tone and hair since it seems to be dominant. However, the first two got his skin and hair. Maybe the third one's the charm?

His hand with the cord in the picture. Isn't technology amazing?

The tech said that his feet were on the VERY edge of my uterus. No wonder I was feeling him kick my on my side that day.

Okay, lastly- I need your advice again! You'd think after 3 yrs of being a nanny, 2 years of working in a daycare and 4.5 years of mommy hood would better prepare me. But, alas, we are having horrible HORRIBLE potty issues right now with A.

A has been "fully" potty trained since the end of June (he was peeing on the potty since October of last year, but wouldn't go #2 until June). For the past 1.5 weeks or so, he keeps having "accidents". I put that in quotations because it bothers me to call them that. To me, an accident it "oops, I didn't make it in time" or "oops, I was playing and got too busy to go". Not, going into bathroom and peeing on the floor or hiding somewhere in the house to go poop in his undies. Or, here's today's latest, sitting by his door at nap time and peeing, even though he JUST went 5 minutes before and his door was unlocked (and we let him get up for pee or poop!)

I think this last week, while we were visiting my parents, he went #2 on the potty once. ONCE! So, now that we are home, I need some help! He had an accident at school today, and that has never ever happened! He cannot, at least for my sanity if nothing else, continue in this pattern. He is pushing me close to the edge! Help!

Extreme Home Room Makeover Part I

Here's the bonus room shortly after we moved in January of 2007. Sure, it didn't really look like that after we unpacked and organized. (Really, it hasn't looked like this in well over a year, but you get the idea of paint color, etc.)

The big reveal:

I still need to find some tie backs for the curtains (and, apparently, I need to fix the curtains. E, being thoughtful, accidentally put the curtains on inside out.) We also still need to move the changing table out of A's room (but, that would require finding a new dresser to put all of his clothes in) and find a table to put next to the rocking chair for the lamp.

The hard part is done. Well, besides naming and actually birthing the baby and all.

October is starting off with a bang!

*I was at Target today and I ran into a lady from church. She had her brand, spankin' new baby with her. Her baby had the same due date as my October baby. I hate when I remember stupid things like that.

*I gained a ton of weight at my last OB appointment, failed my 1 hr glucose test (though, thankfully, I passed the 3hr on monday) found out I'm anemic, measured over 4 weeks ahead, and discussed rectal probing with my OB in relation to physical therapy for my tailbone. I also had an interesting talk with my OB about VBAC's and a "big baby". Okay, maybe not interesting. Maybe more frustrating.

*Speaking of my tailbone, it hurts like heck. I fell down the stairs a little over a month ago. Instead of getting better, my tailbone pain is getting worse. Which makes even driving 5 or 10 minutes in the car a painful task. Next week's trip to Michigan should be super fun, don't you think?

*I'm taking a million drugs right now, and I hate it. One for my thyroid, Tylenol for tailbone pain, prescription iron and prenatal, muscle relaxer for said tailbone for night time pain (I was not getting any sleep for a while because of the pain...) and some other meds for the side effects of the iron. Not to mention the occasional benedryl I take for the allergies/stuffy nose I have right now.

*E has been coming home late due to missing work for other things like my glucose test, van registration, selling our other car, fixing things, meeting with people, a class he's taking, etc.

*A has been having a lot of "accidents". I call them that for a lack of a better word. Really, they are more deliberate than anything. Like pooping under the playset while playing "house". Or, having his bum against the toilet while peeing on the tile just to see what sound it will make. Or, yesterday's fun adventure, pooping in his underwear in his bedroom, stripping, then rolling around the in the covers when his door was wide open (and his room is directly next to the bathroom!)

But, there are always good things, too.
*I passed my 3 hr glucose test. Yay!

*I've been getting a LOT of tutu orders. Another yay!

*We have our 4D ultrasound next week! woot!

*We're going to Michigan to visit my parents next week! double woot!

*I'm sleeping better thanks to the muscle relaxer!

*Physical therapy is covered by our insurance. I know it may seem silly to be glad about this, but at this point I'm thinking PT is not even a choice anymore. I HAVE to do it due to the pain I'm in.

*We've been having really nice weather! I love fall here!

So, October is certainly here. Its certainly making an impression so far.

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Today I had an interesting discussion with some other moms about the popular "country" fridge magnet, sign, or mother's day quote "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". (Don't get me started on how much I hate it when people say "ain't"...)

Our discussion centered around the idea that we, as mothers, set the tone in our house. Unfortunately, that means if we're tired, grumpy, irritable, impatient, etc our children are likely to mimic the same attitude. I can tell you that our household the last few days has not been one comprised of happy, content, and pleasant people. In fact, we've had lots of fits, lots of screaming, and lots of whining.

During the discussion today, I took a second to really think about the last few days/week. I realised that *I* really haven't been happy, content, or pleasant. Sure, my kids have been a bit under the weather, as have I, but I'm starting to think that if I had a better attitude than maybe the kids would, too. This may not always be the key, but what if it could curb some of the tantrums and power struggles?

Of course, I'm not sitting around throwing fits about wearing tennis shoes instead of flip flops (but, as an adult I get to make my own decision there) and I'm not throwing my food on the floor because I don't want chicken noodle soup. But, I am bursting into tears and yelling when my 3 year old decides to poop on his closet floor or deliberately pee on the tile instead of the toilet (his bum was TOUCHING THE TOILET! totally NOT an accident...) I am yelling at them to stop the yelling. I am more impatient with them. I am, getting irritated at the kids for, well, being kids and running around like crazy people all. day. long.

How do I change the tone in my house? How do I find more patience. Prayer, of course. But, what else? Biting my tongue? Trying to take a breather before I discipline or try to "teach"? Or, maybe just simply trying to have a better attitude about things I'm thinking about?

Whatever the way is, I AM trying to be a happy momma!

To my october due date baby

Happy due date little one! Even though I carry your baby brother around with me in my uterus every day, I carry you around with me every day in my heart.

I love you,
momma