Saturday, October 31, 2009

wondering if I'm doing it all wrong

I don't feel like I'm an insecure person. I don't think people dislike me. I am confident about who I am. But self doubt, that's a whole 'nother story.
Lately, I've been struggling with the persistent, nagging thought that I'm doing it all wrong. "it" being the whole mothering gig. We're trying to parent biblically, and I pray constantly for guidance, patience, and wisdom. However, when we're in the midst of the parenting battle, when things are going, how I would perceive, poorly, I fight this nagging voice in my head that says "you suck at this. you're not good enough! you're doing everything wrong!"
(Its not so ironic that this is the same voice that crops up in other situations as well. I've always envisioned myself on a worship team at church sometime in the future. But, that small doubt creeps in and says "you're not good enough". Or, when E and I have a fight, I almost always "hear" or perceive him to be saying the same things.)
So when I was reading Proverbs 31 today, I was entranced by the the second part of the chapter. This verse in particular:
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
Blessed?? I have a horrible time thinking that my children, whom I tell "no" fifteen times a day, or send to time out another fifteen times in a day, will ever called ME blessed. What a verse for me to dwell on and think about my own self doubt. But, the really cool and amazing thing is found just 2 verses later.
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
A woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. She's obviously doing something right by the description of the author, and the main thing that I got out of it is that she loves and fears the LORD. All of the other good things that flow from her stem from this one and only fact.
I may suck at parenting, potty training, and a whole load of other things, but I can love the LORD. That, I can do!


d e v a n said...

I needed to hear that. Thank you!

Kelly Bennett said...

thank you so much for this tonight............. it was exactly what I needed to speak to me...

Kelly Bennett said...

and p.s. if you are doing it wrong...... I am too... it is all about learning (i guess) and trying...

desperate housewife said...

Hey there, found you through Devan's blog and was intrigued by your story since I've had recurrent miscarriage too (3 in 3 years.) I've never even heard of someone having 6 losses- but it makes me so excited that you were able to carry this baby so far and all seems well and normal! Gives me hope.
Congratulations, and good luck with the birth!

Chell said...

Now listen... How can you be "doing it wrong" when there really is NO rules to parenting. (well aside from neglect and beating) Kids do not come with rules and instructions...what works for some, will never work for others... Do what works for you. DO NOT beat yourself up. You are doing great!

Krista said...

I have felt discouraged lately and typed in the google bar..."constanly feel like I'm doing it wrong". Your post came up. God also has a way of reminding me that he loves me by the numbers 3, 33 and 333. The time of your post was 3:33 pm. Anyhoo....What a great reminder, your post was, about what's most important!. I'm so excited that God used you to say to me what I needed to hear. Thank you for being a willing vessel. May God Bless You!! <3