Happy birhtday, sweet Olivia!

Its amazing to me how sad I am today. Not necessarily because O is 4. But, because its a special day in our house and it feels like someone is missing.

Onto the slide show. The last picture was actually from this morning when she came downstairs. She was holding up her fingers to show us that she is 4.

We love you, baby girl. Happy birthday!

A winner!

Remember that contest I have going on? The one for the song for my darling O's birthday slide show? Well, we have a winner folks!

Mama MLDB- you're the lucky one! I'll be sending you a pair of baby legs if you email me your address to mrs_abney2000 at yahoo dot com.

I'll be posting the slide show tomorrow. In the meantime, I'll share some pictures. :)

Party!

I'm cancelling

Well, I asked God to make it clear what I was supposed to do. I was feeling so conflicted about the best course of action, feeling sad about the birth control, and nervous about the surgery itself. My answer came: via my husband.

E doesn't want to move forward with the surgery right now. He wants to meet in person with the dr. first to discuss our "game plan" so to speak. He wants to speak, in person, with Dr. H about the surgery itself, along with what he thinks is going on NOW (since he's now experienced my loss first hand, and not through medical records)

So, I called today to see if they have an opening before Tuesday. If they do, we'll keep the surgery date as planned. If they don't, we'll be waiting on the surgery.

In the meantime, I'm still confused. But, I'm feeling a tad more peaceful.

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I'm taking cupcakes into school for O's birthday today. She was very insistent that I add sprinkles, and not just plain frosting. Apparently, plain frosted cupcakes don't taste as good. She also, very excitedly, went outside with me yesterday to hang the "birthday flag". I bought the birthday flag at a local street market this summer. I thought it would be a cute little tradition we could do for birthdays. It says, "Happy Birthday!" then it has a section to put Velcro numbers and it says "I'm ______ years old!" We used it for E's birthday in December. However, I think the 4 looks cuter than the 28.

I'm a little sad, actually, that my baby is almost four. But, she's so super excited, how can I NOT join in the fun?

Its scheduled

I called and talked with my RE's office today. Basically we came to the conclusion that now would be the best time to do the surgery IF I'm going to do it. Especially since I am starting a new job in just a few short weeks.

However, I will be taking a birth control pill until the surgery. The surgery is scheduled a week from today- so pretty soon before I ovulate. The nurse said that if I'm gearing up to ovulate, everything is inflamed, and Dr. H won't be able to see in there. Taking birth control, however short a period, seems so counter-productive.

Anyway- its scheduled, but I still haven't "decided". Its scheduled because I wanted to make sure I got in, (if we decide to do it) before my new job starts. E and I really need to think and pray on it a little more before we decide for sure.

*sigh* Want to know what's holding me back? The thought of not being able to have a 2009 baby if I take the birth control. Silly, I know. But, to think that I have to miss out this month makes me sad. The crazy part about it all is that even if I did get pregnant, the chance it would survive is slim according to my track record. But, yet, I'm sad about missing out on a December baby that I may or may not even have.

The next step

I feel nervous. I've just been really praying that God would lead us in our TTC journey. Leading us to do the procedures he wants us to do, making it clear when there are ones that he doesn't want us to do. To give us, (mainly me) peace in our decisions.

As I mentioned before, the last time Dr. H and I spoke, he said something about the possibility of a laparoscopy after another loss. At the time, I was consumed with grief (from learning that we were about to loose another baby) that I was unable to really ask questions, or even think of questions.

I called the office today to tell them that I had started my period. I was expecting a little lashing because I left a message saying that we weren't going to do the Clomid this month. I also asked why Dr. H wanted to wait on the laparoscopy. Is there a magic number of losses to do this procedure, or is he trying to spare me from testing/surgery, or what? I wasn't really expecting much in the answer back. Last time I approached him about changing up the plan, it wasn't received well.

Anyway, during naps today, my phone started vibrating. I knew it was the dr's office, but A was laying with me and was just back asleep. I didn't want to answer, or leave the bed and wake him up. I got the voicemail just a little bit ago. The nurse said that Dr. H says there's no real reason to wait if I'd like to proceed with the laparoscopy.

So, do I want to proceed with the laparoscopy? I definitely feel like some thing's wrong with my body- and not an issue with our 6 babies. But, is it the right thing to do? Is it what I should do?

Guide our hearts, Lord. We need your direction. Is this the next step?

Silent Sunday, blessings in pictures (and captions)

E's safari with the kids

(any guess who's book shelf that is??? :) )

The kids in their "safari clothes" and E