just a medical update

Everything looked peachy at my scan today. Left side looked quiet and right side had one large follicle and several smaller ones. Its in stark contrast to the last round of clomid we did. (I had 3 mature follicles ready to release eggs last time.) Looks like twins aren't in it this go around. ;)

My blood work came back great today and I'll do the first trigger shot tomorrow. Then, follow up on Wednesday, then again on Sunday. I'll go back in on the 27th for blood work to check my progesterone levels and hcg levels.

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On the topic of medical stuff, O had her 4 year check up today. She weighed 28lbs and was 37 inches. Just below the chart in both areas. (I think its like almost the 0%- close to the chart, though!) She passed her eye exam with flying colors, but lost most cooperation on the hearing test. She was NOT amused with the beeps enough to even answer more than two. They'll recheck it next year.

Most everything looked good. There's always something with her, though... The dr. was concerned about her lack of interest in dairy products- especially things like ice cream and chocolate milk. I told the dr. about O's bm stains and complaints of belly pain, too, and that made her even more concerned. She went ahead and ordered a stomach x-ray today (which we already had done!) and a follow up appointment with the GI dr. if nothing shows up on the x-ray.

When the dr. pulled up O's dress to check her lungs, O seemed to have sprung a rash on her neck, face, and torso in a matter of mere minutes. I realized that she had some vanilla milk at Target about 20 minutes prior. The dr. thought that there's a chance that it could be related and scheduled some more allergy testing. O was tested for milk allergies when she was younger (18mths or so) when she was having consistent diarrhea. The allergist was a jerk, so we'll be doing the blood work at the ped's office this time instead.

Hopefully there's nothing invasive for her beyond blood work. My poor daughter has seen enough medical professionals in her lifetime. Between FTT (failure to thrive) and her Kidney Reflux, she's been poked, prodded, x-rayed, and stuck too many times in her 4 years. This newest concerned is just one more thing for my poor baby girl to endure. Just at her x-ray today, she started to get very worked up at the sight of the machine. Its the same machine they used to do her reflux tests, (VCUGs) and those are scary and painful!

Well, off to deal with A. No nap for him- too many sirens and too many pings and pangs from hail on his window sill today.

Plans

For those of you who don't know, I grew up in an Assembly of God church (which is sort of funny that I now attend a Methodist church. Its a tad different, let me tell you.) Every year, the pastors would gather the graduating seniors and have a ceremony deal. During the ceremony, the parents of the said seniors would pray with their child and have a scripture verse read for them. One that the parents had chosen as their "scripture promise" (they also did this during baby dedications. I'm not sure if this was particular to our church or if other churches did it, too...) Inevitably, there were always an overwhelming number of Jeremiah 29:11's.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

While its a good verse, I wondered why no one ever quoted the verses following.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."


To me, its equally as encouraging. In verse 12-God wants us to pray to him and he will LISTEN to our cries. That, to me, is so powerful. God listens to us. God listens to ME! Hallelujah, my prayers and cries do not land on silent ears!

In verse 13, it says He "will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile". While its not encouraging to think that God has placed me into exile, it is uplifting to think that he will bring us back. He will BRING US BACK!!! He will not leave us in exile. If we pray and seek Him, He will be found by us. We will find God.

It is so vital to me to know that God has a plan for my life. I have been in exile, but he rescue me and he has a PLAN. He will lead me and guide me.

Psalm 32:8
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.


I don't know if any of you follow McMamma, but she had this post about a verse in Proverbs. Her little boy is in the hospital with a very serious heart condition. I'm so uplifted by her strength and faith in God through this horribly scary time. The verse is:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

I've been thinking on this verse today as I prepared to post about receiving my Ovidrel in the mail today. While I can make plans to, hopefully, have a successful pregnancy, only God determines my steps. We have planned our course, but its really up to Him. But, I'm encouraged that its not only up to Him, its planned by him. its not just God sitting back, looking at our plan saying "well, that's a crappy plan" and so it flops. He has his OWN plan. One I haven't the faintest clue about, but its there. He has a plan for my life and the life of my children.

Way Back Whensday - Extraordinary Hair!

Welcome to my addition of Way back Whensday. A blog carnival, created by my friend Raechel, where we dig through old photo albums and such to share fond memories, regrettable fashions and the glories about our pre-baby lives with all our bloggy friends! Join me, will you?

Today's topic is Extraordinary hair!

As I dug through all of my pictures, I realized that I have basically had the same version of one hair cut my entire life...save for the last 6 or 7 months. Interesting... and rather boring. I don't have a lot of my childhood pictures here. I know there are some from 4th grade (where I cut my own bangs) that are pretty bad. These aren't horrendous.

Anywho, buckle yourself in and enjoy the ride!

My freshman yearbook picture.

Here's me in 1996. Age: 14 Yes, that's a Katina Boy's poster in the background. Jealous, aren't you? My hair is dyed to a blond-ish color. Either dyed or "sun-in"ed. Remember that stuff?

Positive my hair was actually dyed blond here. This is my junior year of high school.

Okay, so this wasn't actually MY doing. Another West Side Story picture. I had very large hair. And very bright lipstick.

And here's the reoccurring hair style. Eric loves it like this, so it keeps coming back over and over again. This is the day of Eric's undergrad graduation. He got burnt during the ceremony. My poor pasty-white babe.

Thanks for joining me! I hope you link your own "way back Whensday" and join the fun!

Beauty for Ashes

Do you all remember that old song sang by Crystal Lewis, "Beauty for Ashes"? (old as in popular during my junior high or high school years. yes, folks, its been at least 11 years since I sang it in Spanish on our mission trip to Argentina when I was 16. I believe that qualifies as "old".) The song comes from Isaiah 61, verse 3:

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of
despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD
for the display
of his splendor.

I've been thinking on this verse for the past few days/weeks. I've found that when I'm consumed by rief, I rarely feel that God cares for me. I realize that my feelings are fickle, (just ask E...) and not to be trusted. Just as love is a choice in our marriage (and not a feeling) such should be my love for God. Not based on feelings, but rather to choice to love God with all of my heart and soul, every day. No matter the circumstance.

Moving on, (I got off on a bit of a tangent there.) I have just really been touched by this passage. How I long for Him to give me a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair (which, I am sure, you have realized I've had lately. Especially given my last few posts.) Then I read on and think about being a planting for the LORD, for the display of his splendor. I realize that this is what its all about. He will take my grief and turn it into something that will display his splendor. He will turn ashes of grief into something beautiful.

How encouraging!

April is hard

Delayed gratification is hard for a 2.5 yr old.

Apparently, a 4 year old has a better grasp. Or at least, is more proud of

the eggs she found versus the consuming desire to eat candy.

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Another reason its hard:

Its a due date month, two times over. My first miscarriage baby, (where I knew I was pregnant,) would be one this month. Miscarriage baby #5 would be due at the end of April.

Its hard to find joy, and hope, when I feel so full of despair. My heart hurts, and my arms ache. my new nanny boy is sweet as pie, but I have a hard time holding him with out thinking of my lost babies.

I forgot! Way back Whensday

Raechel reminded me with her tardy Way back Whensday post. I forgot! I already had it all geared up to go, and I forgot to post.

This was actually in January of 2002, but 7 years ago. :) Its from our engagement night. Yes, we were in our jammies. I was staying the night at his parent's house in Grand Rapids. We were sitting on the couch, watching football, after dinner and an IMAX movie. Notice E's jammies really aren't jammies. He had to have a pocket to put the ring in.

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I have been feeling sort of down the last few days. Which is weird. Normally, when I've finally figured out that I'm not pregnant I get really sad, then hopeful again. I'm not hopeful today.

Its even stranger that I'm not hopeful since we went and talked with Dr. H on Tuesday. Normally, forming a new game plan boosts my outlook. However, I'm not confident that anything is going to work. That makes me kind of sad to even type that.

I just feel like I'm so alone. Alone in my constant grief. Alone in my struggle to remain pregnant. Alone in my hopelessness. I just broke down crying yesterday and prayed that God would help me physically feel him wrap his arms around me. I know it sounds silly, but I so just need a hug from him. Just to let me cry on his shoulder and hold me in his embrace. While I know he is there, I just really need to FEEL it.

I know this is so juvenile, but I want my turn. I want it to be MY turn to be pregnant. Like, really, really pregnant. Not just positive pregnancy test pregnant. I want to be able to feel the life inside of me, not just know it exists. I want to look through a baby name book. I want to pick out new nursery stuff. I want a baby. A whole, healthy, sweet and precious baby.

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For those of you who are interested, here's our latest on the ttc forefront.

Last month I really felt like God was saying to take a break from the meds. We did. Then, Dr. H started talking about the laproscopy. We prayed about it. While I still think it would be beneficial to do the surgery, we've decided to take the more conservative route and go back on the medication. Its not my favorite thing in the world. I hate how it makes me feel- like I'm going through menopause. But, I think its for the best. We'll revisit the surgery option in two months.

In addition to the regular round of clomid, we'll be trying something new this month. Since last month (and a few months before) I started spotting waaaaaaay before my period, we're going to try to boost my luteual phase- or give it some support. I'll be doing injections of HCG (Ovadril) every few days. Of course that means no home pregnancy tests (but, E rejoices on that! saves us grocery money, I suppose) since it will definitely show up positive with in 7 days of the shot. The hope is that the HCG will thicken my uterine lining and give natural progesterone support (with out progesterone supplements) as well as give the embryo (if there is one) a boost of extra HCG. I definitely think that this could be helpful, since my hcg numbers were always so low. Maybe the extra boost will be what my body needs.

The one where I feel forgotten

Sometimes I have days where I'm pretty sure God has forgotten me. Or at least it feels that way.


Today is one of those days.