Thursday, April 2, 2009

I forgot! Way back Whensday

Raechel reminded me with her tardy Way back Whensday post. I forgot! I already had it all geared up to go, and I forgot to post.
This was actually in January of 2002, but 7 years ago. :) Its from our engagement night. Yes, we were in our jammies. I was staying the night at his parent's house in Grand Rapids. We were sitting on the couch, watching football, after dinner and an IMAX movie. Notice E's jammies really aren't jammies. He had to have a pocket to put the ring in.


I have been feeling sort of down the last few days. Which is weird. Normally, when I've finally figured out that I'm not pregnant I get really sad, then hopeful again. I'm not hopeful today.

Its even stranger that I'm not hopeful since we went and talked with Dr. H on Tuesday. Normally, forming a new game plan boosts my outlook. However, I'm not confident that anything is going to work. That makes me kind of sad to even type that.

I just feel like I'm so alone. Alone in my constant grief. Alone in my struggle to remain pregnant. Alone in my hopelessness. I just broke down crying yesterday and prayed that God would help me physically feel him wrap his arms around me. I know it sounds silly, but I so just need a hug from him. Just to let me cry on his shoulder and hold me in his embrace. While I know he is there, I just really need to FEEL it.

I know this is so juvenile, but I want my turn. I want it to be MY turn to be pregnant. Like, really, really pregnant. Not just positive pregnancy test pregnant. I want to be able to feel the life inside of me, not just know it exists. I want to look through a baby name book. I want to pick out new nursery stuff. I want a baby. A whole, healthy, sweet and precious baby.


For those of you who are interested, here's our latest on the ttc forefront.

Last month I really felt like God was saying to take a break from the meds. We did. Then, Dr. H started talking about the laproscopy. We prayed about it. While I still think it would be beneficial to do the surgery, we've decided to take the more conservative route and go back on the medication. Its not my favorite thing in the world. I hate how it makes me feel- like I'm going through menopause. But, I think its for the best. We'll revisit the surgery option in two months.

In addition to the regular round of clomid, we'll be trying something new this month. Since last month (and a few months before) I started spotting waaaaaaay before my period, we're going to try to boost my luteual phase- or give it some support. I'll be doing injections of HCG (Ovadril) every few days. Of course that means no home pregnancy tests (but, E rejoices on that! saves us grocery money, I suppose) since it will definitely show up positive with in 7 days of the shot. The hope is that the HCG will thicken my uterine lining and give natural progesterone support (with out progesterone supplements) as well as give the embryo (if there is one) a boost of extra HCG. I definitely think that this could be helpful, since my hcg numbers were always so low. Maybe the extra boost will be what my body needs.


d e v a n said...

((hug)) I want it to be your turn too, and it's not juvenile to feel that way. You've waited a long time. ((hug))
The game plan sounds good. I'll be praying for you!

Melanie said...

Many prayers, Tracy. You are never alone. *hugs* Very interesting on the Ovadril. I've never heard of using it that way, but it makes sense! Praying it will all work out.

Kathryn said...

I understand feeling like God has forgotten you. I understand the deep desire for it to be my turn. I understand the deep sadness & desire for this to be over & to move forward.

I will be praying for you.

Jennifer said...

Super Hugs!!
It is in no way juvenile to feel that way. You have waited a long time and I know how you feel.
The plan sounds like a great one. :) We are here for you and praying for you.

Photogrl said...

I could have wrote the bottom part of your post myself.

Hoping that you feel hopeful soon.