"What to expect when you're expecting...again."

Dear author of "What to Expect When You're Expecting",

Maybe you should consider the fact that women like to read during each of their pregnancies.  Not just the first one.  So when you write things like "you probably won't be showing, yet" or "you won't be able to feel the baby move for some time", you don't turn people like me off.  Because, let's face it, I've been in maternity gear since before the pee had time to dry on the stick, and I'm pretty positive I can now tell the difference between fetal movement and gas.  Maybe you should just write a new book, like "What to expect when you're expecting...again."  Or, "So you're knocked up for the fourth time."  Maybe "A Pregnancy Journal for a Woman Who's Had More Pregnancies Than Area Codes in Her State." (I have many more where those came from, too, but I'll spare you.)

Sincerely,
I'm still reading, but barely

p.s. I've included evidence of said "showing" that I'm not supposed to have yet according to your book.

10w 6d

Dear Zeke,
I know you're super proud of yourself for learning how to push our kitchen chairs around, then climbing up on them.  However, I'm kind of over the climbing up on the table, counters, touching the stove, and getting into the closet, etc.  You're more than welcome to stop doing that.  Please.
Love,
your tired-of-freaking-out mommy


Dear Zeke part II,
Oh, and if you'd like to stop falling and hitting yourself in random places, I'd love that, too.  You have enough bruises.
Love,
Can't-schedule-pictures-until-bruises-are-gone mommy

Dear weather,
you're a strange, strange thing.  Sure, the weekend was beautiful.  But, going from 83 degrees and sunny yesterday, to nasty storms today, to only 58 tomorrow is rough. 
Yours truly,
Can't-put-the-sweaters-away-yet-and-want-to

Dear A,
please, pretty please, stop doing things you're not supposed to do.  I'm tired of getting after you all of the time, and I'm sure you're tired of listening me get after you.  I don't know if you're trying to get attention, so I am trying to make an effort to give you some positive attention.  (Although, I doubt this is the case since you seem to be doing these things in private and trying to hide them.)  Please stop and remember to think before you act.
Love,
tired-of-time-out-talks mom

Dear E.
Not looking forward to 50 hour work weeks.  This means that I will  1. miss you a lot, or 2. miss your help a lot.  I think maybe both equally some days, and more number 2 some others.
All of my love,
not-looking-forward-to-doing-this-alone wife


Dear Dr. C's office,
Please call me back and give me the correct phone number for my appointment for my Nuchal Fold scan Friday.  I loathe making phone calls, and today was my scheduled day to do so.  Seeing as how you gave me some random, funky, non-answering phone number I'm guessing that it is not the right one.  Then, seeing as how you called me back with another number and I called THAT place, which has never heard of me, I'm guessing its messed up on your end again.  I need that information so I can make yet, more, phone calls. 
Regretfully,
the lady who-has-a-strange-phobia-of-calling-new-places

The kind of day

its been the kind of day where
1. i decide to skip my Zofran because of the horrid side effects.
2. I splatter paint all over myself while closing a paint can.
3. I smoosh my MP3 player ear buds with my foot.
4. Austin spills dirt on my freshly mopped floor.
5. The baby dissolves into tears at the slightest provocation.
6. Its cold and rainy outside.  Again. For the zillionth day in a row.




But, its also been a day where I listened to this for a good 10 minutes. 
 

Sorry you can't actually see the BPM. I was trying to record it with my phone AND keep the Doppler in the perfect position. (If you desperately want to know, the heart rate was in the 180s.)



Scars

Scars are interesting things.  They tell stories of our wounds.  They remind us of mistakes or hurts.  They almost always stay with us our entire lives.

I don't have pretty scars.  In fact, I scar really badly.  They are always puffy, huge, and just generally icky looking.  My stretch marks, (which are really scars) are the perfect example.  Deep, puffy, and colorful. 

One time, back in high school, I cut myself on a spring that came out of my parents couch.  It cut the fleshy part of the back of my upper arm.  It hurt, and it bled a tiny bit, but nothing that needed stitches and it was easily taken care of with a few band aids.  It healed in a week or so.  I STILL have a MASSIVE scar from that.  Its still puffy, very pink, and, actually, its still tender.

My c/s scar is another example.  A few of my friends have mentioned that their c/s scars have faded away.  My c/s was over 6 years ago.  The edges have faded but the center is still puffy, pink, and slightly painful if pressed/kicked/hit/shaved.

When I first had my c/s, it was very painful.  The incision hurt like heck for a long time.  Eventually, it stopped hurting so bad all of the time.  It only hurt when I was on my stomach or did sit ups.  Then, it stopped hurting unless I poked my incision site. Now, its only painful if it has direct contact with something sharp or hard.

It seems like my grief from losing all of our babies is similar.  At first, it hurt all of the time. It hurt badly all. of. the. time.  Then, after a little while, I would go a few days with out it crippling me.  Then, a few weeks.  Now, it seems it only creeps in when I come in direct contact with something hard.

I used to think that getting pregnant post-miscarriage and having a live baby would relieve my grief. But, unfortunately, it doesn't. It helps fade my scars, and it keeps me from thinking about them all of the time. But, those puffy, pink, deep scars will be with me the rest of my life.

You wouldn't think my own pregnancy would trigger grief and sadness.  But, it does.  When I look at the ultrasounds of our new precious baby, I'm reminded off all of the babies we never got to see.  All of the babies we never got to hear heartbeats from.  All of the babies we grieved over.  All of the babies that are missing from our family.

So it seems, right now, something hard is pressing into my scars, and it hurts. 

Isaiah 53:4-5


Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken,Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.

More pictures

7 weeks

9 weeks

we couldn't get a good "still" picture because the baby was moving.  But, we got to hear the heart beat.  Nice and strong, and FAST! :)  186 bpm.

I quit! (post I wrote before my announcement)

I'm quitting my 10k training!

Its true.

Not because it was too hard.

Not because I wasn't enjoying it.

Not because I didn't think I could do it.

Not even because of my tailbone issues.

Nope, I'm quitting because I am in love.

I am in love with, this:

(Well, okay, maybe not the pregnancy test.  But, definitely what it means.) 

I'm still going to be running. 

Not as far.

Not as intense.

Not as often.

But, for a good reason.

The final installment.

Happy counting. :)

Dear Miss O

You're 6 today!  Its hard for me to believe, as it is every year it seems, that you are another year older!  Not just a preschooler anymore, you are a little lady. 

I still like to think about you like this.

While you are still rather tiny, you have grown into a beautiful girl.  One who has my eye color, but generally still looks like a girl version of daddy. 



At 6, you :

*love Kindergarten.  You get sad when you have to miss for a dr. appointment or if you are sick. 

*are still a bit anxious about things.  If something doesn't go according to "plan" you tend to obsess over it. 

*are very independant.  You always have been, but this year it seems like you've become even more independent. 

*are a leader.  During your birthday party, just a few days ago, you were bossing your friends around.  I asked you not to be too bossy, and one of your friends said "that's okay.  Olivia's always the boss when we play."  Its sort of funny to think about you being the boss of all of your friends when you are so little compared to them.  I guess you have to make up for your size in personality.

*weigh 33 pounds and are 41 inches tall.  Still a little petite thing.  Its still hard to find you clothes, but you often wear them for more than one season.  That part is nice. :)

*have a love/hate relationship with your middle brother.  A can sometimes be your bestie, and other times it seems like you can't get along.  I guess that's par for the course for being 16 months apart...

*love to read chapter books.  We just finished The Little House on the Prairie for the second time.  You love to read and you love to be read to.

*are all about the rules.  Everyone.must.follow.the.rules. 

*are so loved.  By Mommy and Daddy, and by your brothers.

I look forward to what God has in store for you this year, baby girl.  We love you.  Happy 6th birthday!