Back in the groove

After a very fun girls weekend in Nashville, I'm home and back in the groove of things. I'm still lacking in sleep, that's to be certain. Getting in at 3:00 am and having my internal clock wake me up at 5:30 was excruciating. Horrible, since it was really a chance to just sleep in. Oh well.

I'd love to do the day time stuff again soon. However, the night life isn't one that I hope to see for a while. I think I'll take a bottle of wine to share in the hotel next time. $5 for a drink that I have to literally chug down isn't my idea of tasty fun (though, afterward I certainly thought it was fun, or funny. not sure which.) Apparently in Nashville, a rum and coke is 90% rum and 10% coke. Not yummy. Truly, not yummy.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from this weekend.

Drowning my sorrows with alcohol

Thank goodness for my trip to Nashville with friends! I leave tomorrow after FPU. I really didn't think E was going to let me go (I say "let me" but I really mean he didn't want me to go...) But, I found the money (from my tutu venture, thank-you-very-much) for the hotel room and food. I may not be able to buy much, but I'm going! Hooray!

Are you ready, Devan???

Oh, and if you're wondering...Not an implantation dip... I'll be drinking it up in Nashville. (okay, maybe not "drinking it up". I'm a light weight. Maybe having a drink or two is more appropriate)

Started spotting today. Headed off to get some lady-things and Advil at the store before my hair cut today. I can't go to Nashville with out a big bottle of Advil and my heating pad... Fun, huh? (can you taste the sarcasm?)

Please don't let it take another 5 mths to get pregnant again.

I love falls

I know I'm probably a bad mom for posting these. But, you know what? I don't care. I think kids falling (when they don't get hurt, of course) can be a source of entertainment. (Heck, an adult falling can be a source of entertainment.) Maybe that's why I like AFV so much. :)

I don't typically think its funny when O falls. Mainly because she cries over almost anything. I don't want to laugh and hurt her feelings. My wild man, however, very rarely cries over falls. It so happens that he loves speed- running, sliding, jumping- he loves to do things fast. Unfortunately for him, that means more falls. Fortunately for us, that gives us more opportunities to catch him on video.

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In other news... I had quite a dip in my temperature yesterday, followed by a rise again today. One might hope that its an implantation dip. One can pray that it is.

Way Back Whensday

our first "date"

I should comment that Raechel actually did my hair for this formal.

it was on a day when we had two segments of rehersals for West Side Story.

She did an amazing job!

My Aunt Vickie, my mother, my cousins Jocelyn and Kim, and myself.

I got my belly button pierced on this trip. Accompanied by my father.

Sorry, friends.... these we're just too good to pass up.

Rebecca and I in West Side Story

My friend Raechel and I in West Side Story

Progress

We've made a lot of progress around our house the last few days. O has been talking back since we got home from Michigan. Slowly, we seem to be making SOME improvement. Yesterday was awesome! She did a wonderful job at the dentist, even showed an older child how to sit and get her teeth cleaned. She helped with baby S (my new job) a lot. She helped me get diapers, wipes, etc. She and I took a walk with her babies in the double doll stroller and we chatted. It was a good day for her and I. Very little talking back. Progress.

I've been invited to a lot of baby showers in the past 21 months. I haven't gone to a single one. Until last week. A dear friend, who had her own struggle with secondary infertility, had a little impromptu baby shower at Macaroni grill (which, by the way, turned out to be a horrible, horrible experience! Service stunk!) The momma-to-be didn't know it was a baby shower until towards the end of the meal (it was a surprise). So we didn't fully dwell on the baby and all that jazz. There were no "measure the belly" games or "guess what baby food this is" games. There was SOME baby talk, but it certainly didn't center around pregnancy as much as a normal baby shower does. I actually enjoyed myself. Progress.

We've made significant headway on our play set (I say "we" like I've had something to do with it besides encouraging the workers and keeping the children away from the saw). E decided to go ahead and find plans for a play set online, buy the raw lumber, find the parts from various places, and build it from scratch. I have to say, I was hesitant at first. It seemed like a really big undertaking. Seeing as E and ceiling fans have a reputation (another post...another time) I was sure that this building thing would end in swearing and cursing. But, so far so good. Progress.

Wood pile

to this: as of Sunday afternoon (and, it actually looks way different now, even...)

Progress is an amazing thing. It seems like the journey of life, (or the building of a play set) is always so slow. Almost so slow that you can't see if anything is happening for the better. You can't remove yourself and see that things ARE changing. Things are progressing.

Eventually, the kids will be able to play on the play set. Eventually, I'll be able to GO to a REAL baby shower. Eventually, O will learn about the correct way to talk to adults all of the time(we hope!). For now, we rejoice in the journey- the progress of good things in our lives!

Silent Sunday-sort of

This is so dang funny to me. Watching my darling husband try to fly a Mickey Mouse kite, while my dad talks to his barbie kite.

Maybe what makes it so funny is that the kids were out, literally 5 minutes prior, flying the kites like pros. Or maybe its because my husband is an aerospace engineer... (or an "aero-dynamicist" to be more exact) Its just humorous to me.

oh, and don't mind my snorting...

I'm starving

I think my stomach has officially started to eat away at my body. Good. Great, in fact.

When returning home from Michigan the other day, I haphazardly stood on the scale to see what the "damage" of vacationing had done to my weight loss plan. Well, I certainly wasn't expecting to see what I saw. Let me tell you folks, it was bad. Bad, bad, bad. While I'm not huge, nor am I considered "over weight" I didn't like the number I saw there.

The frustrating part is this: I almost always eat healthy and I exercise almost daily. We only eat whole wheat and multi-grain products (no white flour in our house, actually) and eat lots of fruits and veggies. My issue, though, it just too much. It started with the Clomid. The eating, and eating, and eating. Believe it or not, you CAN eat too much of that stuff, too!

Anyway, I've been sort-of-kind-of-not-really tracking points via Weight Watchers style. After returning from my trip I've realized that I'm at the "brink". The one where I either decide to NOT watch what I'm eating, or the one that I decided to get my butt in gear.

What I'd love to do is go back to weight watchers. They have an awesome program, and I do really well on it (basically, I do well when I have accountability...) However, I can't attend during the week because of my kiddos and I can't go on Saturdays due to our facilitating Financial Peace. SOOOOOOO..... I'm trying on my own again. Which leads me back to this:

I'm starving- and carrots aren't cutting it. Celery either.

Way back Whensday

Austin's first night home

Olivia in the hospital: April 2006

Halloween- I think 2001

Our engagement picture

here's one of me. under a year old.

Significant Sunday

For those of you who don't know my dad: He worked 30 years at GM in a factory. During the last few years he spent there, he was taking online courses. Before he retired, he earned his degree in biblical ministries. After retirement, he and my mom changed churches (after much prayer, and trials- even a lost friendship... which was extremely sad.) my dad became an intern. In January of this year, he started his salary position. Today, they ordained him- certificate and all- as Pastor Fred Brooks.

I'm so proud of him! I can't believe that he preached a sermon today in front of over 800 people. I remember the thought of speaking at our wedding for him was nerve racking enough... he did so well, too!

So, today was a significant Sunday.



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In sort of related things, I learned a new tid-bit about regifting. Apparently, its okay to regift USED things. My dad recieved 2 communion sets (up until today, I didn't realize they even had communion "sets"). One was very nice, glass cups, gold bread holder. Classy. The other: not so much. The container to transport the juice/wine was stained, the disposable cups a little sticky. I'll let you chuckle a little and wonder along with us: who gives a used disposable communion set as a gift?

Well, at least it wasn't a croched Jesus tissue box holder, which E's dad proudly displayed during his years of pastoring.

We're off!

We're getting ready to head up to Michigan today to visit the fam. However, before we start off on our journey, I'll be taking a quick detour to the dr. O is running a 101.7 fever and is coughing. Ick.

It seems like we just saw my parents. Wait. We did. They left our house Monday. However, my dad is getting ordained at his church on Sunday. Its kind of a big to-do, and there's a luncheon afterward (what is a luncheon, exactly? I'm assuming its just a fancy lunch....) So, up we go.

See you in a few days!

The NICU

I've been really struggling the past few days with bitterness. The feeling that life isn't fair and every one's picking on you. It normally accompanies jealousy, too. You know, that nasty feeling that creeps up when someone else gets what you want and you don't?

Anyway, I've been dealing with that stuff lately. Several people on my local mom's board announced their pregnancies yesterday. Probably 5 people. So, a lot. Its so hard to watch people get pregnant so easily (even though I used to be one of "those people") and keep their babies, talk about their pregnancies, listen to them complain about morning sickness...

I'm trying really hard to not let bitterness take over. Its amazing how easy it would be to just give in, though. Going through the "why me's" and "she looks bad pregnant anyway". I'm trying though. I'm praying through it all. Hoping God will just give me peace to deal with life's junk.

In the effort of trying to be thankful for my blessings and to not be bitter, I attempted a visit to friend at the hospital today. First off, on the way to the hospital, E called. He got all huffy because I didn't want to visit *his* friend's wife when she was in the hospital a few weeks ago. (Understandable...except for the fact that his friend's wife gave birth on my due date. It was, honestly, just too hard.) Great. This trip is starting off with a bang!

Back to my friend. It was her fourth child, a boy, and he had to be admitted to the NICU for breathing issues (because, in my opinion, they induced too early...but I won't even get started about that!) While we were standing there, oohing and ahing over baby Grady, we got glimpse of two itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny, little babies. A proud daddy was bringing visitors, one by one, into show off his newest additions.

Through out the visit, my friend and I were guessing at how long the babies had made it gestationaly. I finally gathered up the courage to ask to take a peek at the baby girl next to us. The father informed me that the twins were 27 weeks when they were born yesterday. He said that the baby I was looking at, Faith, weighed 1lb 4 oz. (They weren't sure how much the baby boy weighed yet, because they had to treat him right away.)

While I'd much rather have a baby, alive, at 27 weeks then my miscarriages, I felt blessed- in that moment. I had two wonderfully healthy pregnancies with O and A. Sure, I had a few problems. But, they were born at full term, healthy, and vital. I was able to hold them and nurse them and keep them by my side from the second I left the hospital. For that, I'm thankful. And not at all bitter.

Maybe that's the key, then. Looking at my blessings, things that I'm grateful for. When I'm looking at my blessings, it doesn't leave much room for thinking about the things you don't have or the things that you wish were different.

"Way Back Whensday"

Since I'm always game for sharing old, cute, and fun baby pictures of my kids, I absolutely adore this idea from my friend Raechel.


So, I'm sharing some pictures of Olivia way back when.



One of my favorite pictures from the hospital- exactly 4 years ago.

Happy birhtday, sweet Olivia!

Its amazing to me how sad I am today. Not necessarily because O is 4. But, because its a special day in our house and it feels like someone is missing.

Onto the slide show. The last picture was actually from this morning when she came downstairs. She was holding up her fingers to show us that she is 4.

We love you, baby girl. Happy birthday!

A winner!

Remember that contest I have going on? The one for the song for my darling O's birthday slide show? Well, we have a winner folks!

Mama MLDB- you're the lucky one! I'll be sending you a pair of baby legs if you email me your address to mrs_abney2000 at yahoo dot com.

I'll be posting the slide show tomorrow. In the meantime, I'll share some pictures. :)

Party!

I'm cancelling

Well, I asked God to make it clear what I was supposed to do. I was feeling so conflicted about the best course of action, feeling sad about the birth control, and nervous about the surgery itself. My answer came: via my husband.

E doesn't want to move forward with the surgery right now. He wants to meet in person with the dr. first to discuss our "game plan" so to speak. He wants to speak, in person, with Dr. H about the surgery itself, along with what he thinks is going on NOW (since he's now experienced my loss first hand, and not through medical records)

So, I called today to see if they have an opening before Tuesday. If they do, we'll keep the surgery date as planned. If they don't, we'll be waiting on the surgery.

In the meantime, I'm still confused. But, I'm feeling a tad more peaceful.

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I'm taking cupcakes into school for O's birthday today. She was very insistent that I add sprinkles, and not just plain frosting. Apparently, plain frosted cupcakes don't taste as good. She also, very excitedly, went outside with me yesterday to hang the "birthday flag". I bought the birthday flag at a local street market this summer. I thought it would be a cute little tradition we could do for birthdays. It says, "Happy Birthday!" then it has a section to put Velcro numbers and it says "I'm ______ years old!" We used it for E's birthday in December. However, I think the 4 looks cuter than the 28.

I'm a little sad, actually, that my baby is almost four. But, she's so super excited, how can I NOT join in the fun?

Its scheduled

I called and talked with my RE's office today. Basically we came to the conclusion that now would be the best time to do the surgery IF I'm going to do it. Especially since I am starting a new job in just a few short weeks.

However, I will be taking a birth control pill until the surgery. The surgery is scheduled a week from today- so pretty soon before I ovulate. The nurse said that if I'm gearing up to ovulate, everything is inflamed, and Dr. H won't be able to see in there. Taking birth control, however short a period, seems so counter-productive.

Anyway- its scheduled, but I still haven't "decided". Its scheduled because I wanted to make sure I got in, (if we decide to do it) before my new job starts. E and I really need to think and pray on it a little more before we decide for sure.

*sigh* Want to know what's holding me back? The thought of not being able to have a 2009 baby if I take the birth control. Silly, I know. But, to think that I have to miss out this month makes me sad. The crazy part about it all is that even if I did get pregnant, the chance it would survive is slim according to my track record. But, yet, I'm sad about missing out on a December baby that I may or may not even have.

The next step

I feel nervous. I've just been really praying that God would lead us in our TTC journey. Leading us to do the procedures he wants us to do, making it clear when there are ones that he doesn't want us to do. To give us, (mainly me) peace in our decisions.

As I mentioned before, the last time Dr. H and I spoke, he said something about the possibility of a laparoscopy after another loss. At the time, I was consumed with grief (from learning that we were about to loose another baby) that I was unable to really ask questions, or even think of questions.

I called the office today to tell them that I had started my period. I was expecting a little lashing because I left a message saying that we weren't going to do the Clomid this month. I also asked why Dr. H wanted to wait on the laparoscopy. Is there a magic number of losses to do this procedure, or is he trying to spare me from testing/surgery, or what? I wasn't really expecting much in the answer back. Last time I approached him about changing up the plan, it wasn't received well.

Anyway, during naps today, my phone started vibrating. I knew it was the dr's office, but A was laying with me and was just back asleep. I didn't want to answer, or leave the bed and wake him up. I got the voicemail just a little bit ago. The nurse said that Dr. H says there's no real reason to wait if I'd like to proceed with the laparoscopy.

So, do I want to proceed with the laparoscopy? I definitely feel like some thing's wrong with my body- and not an issue with our 6 babies. But, is it the right thing to do? Is it what I should do?

Guide our hearts, Lord. We need your direction. Is this the next step?

Silent Sunday, blessings in pictures (and captions)

E's safari with the kids

(any guess who's book shelf that is??? :) )

The kids in their "safari clothes" and E