I've been really struggling the past few days with bitterness. The feeling that life isn't fair and every one's picking on you. It normally accompanies jealousy, too. You know, that nasty feeling that creeps up when someone else gets what you want and you don't?
Anyway, I've been dealing with that stuff lately. Several people on my local mom's board announced their pregnancies yesterday. Probably 5 people. So, a lot. Its so hard to watch people get pregnant so easily (even though I used to be one of "those people") and keep their babies, talk about their pregnancies, listen to them complain about morning sickness...
I'm trying really hard to not let bitterness take over. Its amazing how easy it would be to just give in, though. Going through the "why me's" and "she looks bad pregnant anyway". I'm trying though. I'm praying through it all. Hoping God will just give me peace to deal with life's junk.
In the effort of trying to be thankful for my blessings and to not be bitter, I attempted a visit to friend at the hospital today. First off, on the way to the hospital, E called. He got all huffy because I didn't want to visit *his* friend's wife when she was in the hospital a few weeks ago. (Understandable...except for the fact that his friend's wife gave birth on my due date. It was, honestly, just too hard.) Great. This trip is starting off with a bang!
Back to my friend. It was her fourth child, a boy, and he had to be admitted to the NICU for breathing issues (because, in my opinion, they induced too early...but I won't even get started about that!) While we were standing there, oohing and ahing over baby Grady, we got glimpse of two itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny, little babies. A proud daddy was bringing visitors, one by one, into show off his newest additions.
Through out the visit, my friend and I were guessing at how long the babies had made it gestationaly. I finally gathered up the courage to ask to take a peek at the baby girl next to us. The father informed me that the twins were 27 weeks when they were born yesterday. He said that the baby I was looking at, Faith, weighed 1lb 4 oz. (They weren't sure how much the baby boy weighed yet, because they had to treat him right away.)
While I'd much rather have a baby, alive, at 27 weeks then my miscarriages, I felt blessed- in that moment. I had two wonderfully healthy pregnancies with O and A. Sure, I had a few problems. But, they were born at full term, healthy, and vital. I was able to hold them and nurse them and keep them by my side from the second I left the hospital. For that, I'm thankful. And not at all bitter.
Maybe that's the key, then. Looking at my blessings, things that I'm grateful for. When I'm looking at my blessings, it doesn't leave much room for thinking about the things you don't have or the things that you wish were different.