Wednesday, March 11, 2009


I've been really struggling the past few days with bitterness. The feeling that life isn't fair and every one's picking on you. It normally accompanies jealousy, too. You know, that nasty feeling that creeps up when someone else gets what you want and you don't?

Anyway, I've been dealing with that stuff lately. Several people on my local mom's board announced their pregnancies yesterday. Probably 5 people. So, a lot. Its so hard to watch people get pregnant so easily (even though I used to be one of "those people") and keep their babies, talk about their pregnancies, listen to them complain about morning sickness...

I'm trying really hard to not let bitterness take over. Its amazing how easy it would be to just give in, though. Going through the "why me's" and "she looks bad pregnant anyway". I'm trying though. I'm praying through it all. Hoping God will just give me peace to deal with life's junk.

In the effort of trying to be thankful for my blessings and to not be bitter, I attempted a visit to friend at the hospital today. First off, on the way to the hospital, E called. He got all huffy because I didn't want to visit *his* friend's wife when she was in the hospital a few weeks ago. (Understandable...except for the fact that his friend's wife gave birth on my due date. It was, honestly, just too hard.) Great. This trip is starting off with a bang!

Back to my friend. It was her fourth child, a boy, and he had to be admitted to the NICU for breathing issues (because, in my opinion, they induced too early...but I won't even get started about that!) While we were standing there, oohing and ahing over baby Grady, we got glimpse of two itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny, little babies. A proud daddy was bringing visitors, one by one, into show off his newest additions.

Through out the visit, my friend and I were guessing at how long the babies had made it gestationaly. I finally gathered up the courage to ask to take a peek at the baby girl next to us. The father informed me that the twins were 27 weeks when they were born yesterday. He said that the baby I was looking at, Faith, weighed 1lb 4 oz. (They weren't sure how much the baby boy weighed yet, because they had to treat him right away.)

While I'd much rather have a baby, alive, at 27 weeks then my miscarriages, I felt blessed- in that moment. I had two wonderfully healthy pregnancies with O and A. Sure, I had a few problems. But, they were born at full term, healthy, and vital. I was able to hold them and nurse them and keep them by my side from the second I left the hospital. For that, I'm thankful. And not at all bitter.

Maybe that's the key, then. Looking at my blessings, things that I'm grateful for. When I'm looking at my blessings, it doesn't leave much room for thinking about the things you don't have or the things that you wish were different.


Heather said...

Good for you, to look at the bright side. Just remember this: Someone out there, has it harder than you, your life, may be easy to them!!


Kathryn said...

I've thought of your post all day, & wondered whether to comment. What you wrote resonates with me. I find it hard to be around new mothers & pregnant women, & i long ago gave up on baby showers. Haven't been to one since i hoped for my own.

I guess it is all relative. My daughter would be nearly 3, & she has several cousins a year or two older, & as time goes on & they get older & we don't have children i'm finding it harder.

I read on another blog how folks in the "infertile world" tend to still form into queues of one type "against" another. I can see that, you see, i'm somewhat jealous of people who at least have little ones, even if they deeply desire more.

But, as you say, i count my blessings. There is so much loss out there in so many forms. I can't imagine losing a child to SIDS or cancer at a young age, but it happens. My arms are empty, but that is nothing to the pain i imagine of one who held her child & lost that child.

Thank you for sharing & being honest. I hope i've not been offensive. We all need to love & pray for one another

d e v a n said...

I didn't realize she was induced, but I'm glad you went to see her. It seems like it made you feel good. :)

I'm not sure what else to really say, I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I know it must be hard for you. I know there were a lot of pgncy announcements the other day and another of our friends had a hard time with it too.
I wish I had the right words.

Heidi said...

You know, this post reminded me of what I did last fall. It was a particularly tough time and I decided I needed to count my blessings to keep myself out of the pit. I wrote a list of 100 blessings - I think it was one list each day for 5 days - and I couldn't repeat a blessing on any list. Some were hard. Some were easy. But it was very, very effective in keeping my from allowing myself to wallow. We all need to embrace our pain and work with it rather than avoid it, but at some point we have to also take charge, and the whole "gratitude" thing was very positive. Good for you for allowing yourself to count your blessings! Sometimes it's easier to push aside the blessings because staying in the anger and bitterness is easier. It's hard but very worth it.