Tomorrow, at 1:00 pm CST, E and I will head to the OBGYN and have our anatomy scan done for this little baby bit growing in my uterus. Scheduling the first appointment after lunch, in hopes that we can avoid a long waiting room experience. (I can't believe I have to wait until 1, though. I may drive myself insane...)
As I type this, I'm actually praying. And listening to worship music. And crying.
Because I am stuck between two different worlds.
World number 1: So excited to get to see our baby bit tomorrow. So excited to hopefully find out if it is a he or a she in there. So excited to see him or her move around on the monitor, and get to take pictures home to keep.
But, there's another world I live in.
World number 2: I'm scared something might be wrong. I know what anatomy scans are for, and its not finding out the gender of the baby. Its for finding abnormalities, birth defects, problems with the baby or with me. I know, all too well, that things don't always go as planned. In fact, they rarely do. I have known too many women who go into their scans with hopes and dreams, and come out crushed with a harsh reality of dispair.
Honestly, it is hard to live in either world for long. If I try to dwell on "is the baby a boy? or a girl?" I am quickly reminded of world 2. If I dwell on the later, well, it does no one any good. Especially me. It makes me jumpy, depressed, worried, and anxious.
I know this is not a new experience to those who have lost babies. In fact, I remember quite clearly the way I felt last time around.
There's a balance somewhere there. I know it. Which is why I'm praying. And listening to worship music. And crying.
I'm listening and watching this song, The More I Seek You. It is one of my favorites that we sing at church.
My favorite lyric: "I melt in your peace. It's overwhelming."
May I be overwhelmed by His peace. Today, and tomorrow, and the next day. No matter what the results of tomorrow are.