Back and Forth

Yesterday I had my 36 week appointment with my OBGYN.  Overall, it went well.  Everything looked good. Lost 1.5 pounds, and my uterus still measured 36 weeks (I measured the same 2 weeks ago.)

My OB, of course, is leaving on Sunday, the 2nd, and won't be back until the 10th.  To sort of make a long story short-(ish) I'll just say that we both REALLY want her to be at my birth for several reasons.

My dr. was really hoping that I'd be dilated some yesterday, so that I can come back in on Thursday or Friday and maybe do a little stretching and get things going and started, possibly having baby girl come this weekend.  It wasn't really unrealistic, since I was dilated with O and I at 36 weeks.  (I can't remember with A.  How bad is that?!?!?)

When my dr. walked into my room she says "I want you to either be closed, or like an eight or something."  She was kidding.  Sort of.  She then says "but I doubt you will be.  I'm guessing a 3." That was my guess, too. 

Turns out, I was closer to a closed than we thought I would be.  I was a finger tip to 1.  She couldn't tell super well because my cervix was very posterior and hard to reach.  Since my OB is going out of town, I didn't really want to "make her" reach or even try to stretch me.  There's no point, really. 

Here's where I go back and forth.  Part of me feels like I totally read my body wrong, and I feel stupid for thinking I was dilated more. (Stupid, I know, but true.)  That same part of me feels slightly disappointed that we likely won't have a baby this weekend.  That same part that is happy with my weight gain RIGHT.THIS.MINUTE. and doesn't really want to gain any more.

The other part?  The other part is glad.  The other part knows this is the last time I'll likely ever be pregnant.  The last time I'll ever feel a little person move inside of me.  That other part is glad, too, since our family is just getting over a tummy bug (everyone but me got sick.  amazing!) and we have a few home improvement projects we'd like to accomplish this weekend.

Then there's this middle part.  Or maybe it's back to the first part of me, I'm not sure.  But, I just have this feeling that this little girl is going to come when my OB is gone.  It may not be in the beginning of her trip, but it may be on the last day (or two.)  That's kind of a negative part, huh?  I know it's pessimistic.  I know.  But, I keep trying to figure out what I have to do in order to have the birth I want and have the level of medical intervention I need with out having those two things get confused by the on call dr.  The good thing is that my doula should be able to help me with some of that.

Did you follow me on all of that?  I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.  Heck, I can barely follow my own thoughts.