I'm so thankful that I can go to God and share my feelings and thoughts with him. Because, right now, in this moment, I'm scared. For no other reason than my history and for fear itself. Instead of wallowing in that fear, thinking of all of the things that could happen, I am taking it to Him. I'm giving it to Him. Asking for joy instead.
I'm so thankful that He is here to listen.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Our weekend, Part II
So, on Sunday, we headed straight to the aquarium. Unlike many of the tourists, we did NOT stop at every exhibit to take pictures, that would most likely not turn out, of fish. It was too dark to take many pictures of the kids as well. Oh well. Really, we have a lot of aquarium pictures from the one in Chattanooga. Apart from the shark exhibit at the GA one, they could pass for the same thing. :)
Sunday after the aquarium, we went back for quiet time. Up for dinner, then back for swimming. Very nice. I just mainly sat with my feet hanging over in the hot tub. The hotel pool was an indoor/outdoor pool. With it being rather chilly last weekend, it was a tad to cold for me. (I know I'm from Michigan, but really- at heart- I'm a southern gal.)
Monday morning, we hit the Atlanta zoo. We were a little leery of how "good" the zoo was going to be. The tickets were rather pricey (especially considering the Birmingham zoo has 1/2 price tickets on tuesdays. making it a whopping $8) and the reviews we had read said that it wasn't worth it. However, we thought it was a wonderful zoo! The weather was perfect. On the cooler side, not much sun, not much rain. A lot of the animals were out- and ACTIVE!
It did rain for a few minutes. We were not to be deterred. Everyone had umbrellas.
I just have to share a quick funny that A said. This zoo has pandas. Red pandas and regular pandas. We saw the red panda's first, then moved on. When we came to the panda's, Austin said "Mommy, look! Its a kung-fo panda!"
After the zoo, we decided to try a place called Atlanta Underground. An underground shopping center. It sound like a neat place, in theory. In reality, it was kind of a scary place. I mean, I always love to get hit up for money by random people. Really, I do. But, this was a tad excessive. During the course of our 30 minute lunch, at least 5 people asked us for money. One of them was asking for us to buy him a soda to go with his lunch! (Um, we're too cheap to even buy US soda.... drink water.)
The kids played in the water for a few minutes before we left for home.
The crazy men.
Well, drat. I just realized I don't have a picture of the actual water fall. I'll have to dig one up. :)
Sunday after the aquarium, we went back for quiet time. Up for dinner, then back for swimming. Very nice. I just mainly sat with my feet hanging over in the hot tub. The hotel pool was an indoor/outdoor pool. With it being rather chilly last weekend, it was a tad to cold for me. (I know I'm from Michigan, but really- at heart- I'm a southern gal.)
Monday morning, we hit the Atlanta zoo. We were a little leery of how "good" the zoo was going to be. The tickets were rather pricey (especially considering the Birmingham zoo has 1/2 price tickets on tuesdays. making it a whopping $8) and the reviews we had read said that it wasn't worth it. However, we thought it was a wonderful zoo! The weather was perfect. On the cooler side, not much sun, not much rain. A lot of the animals were out- and ACTIVE!
My little lion
Brushing the goats
It did rain for a few minutes. We were not to be deterred. Everyone had umbrellas.
I just have to share a quick funny that A said. This zoo has pandas. Red pandas and regular pandas. We saw the red panda's first, then moved on. When we came to the panda's, Austin said "Mommy, look! Its a kung-fo panda!"
After the zoo, we decided to try a place called Atlanta Underground. An underground shopping center. It sound like a neat place, in theory. In reality, it was kind of a scary place. I mean, I always love to get hit up for money by random people. Really, I do. But, this was a tad excessive. During the course of our 30 minute lunch, at least 5 people asked us for money. One of them was asking for us to buy him a soda to go with his lunch! (Um, we're too cheap to even buy US soda.... drink water.)
We decided to call it a trip after our lunch experience. We headed home. The way home from Atlanta is not paved in highways. Most of the trip takes place on back roads. Which, in my opinion, is more interesting to look at. When we were about 1.5 hours away from home, I saw a sign for De Soto park. I looked quickly on our GPS and saw that it was only 5 miles out of our way. I'd heard good things about the falls, so we decided to make a short detour.
Turns out, this detour was really worth it!
While we were there, we saw two guys speed down a rope into the water next to the falls. Very neat!
All of us looking at the crazy men! Oh, and tightly holding onto the babes. There was such a measly "rail" that I was scared to death of them falling through.
The kids played in the water for a few minutes before we left for home.
The crazy men.
Well, drat. I just realized I don't have a picture of the actual water fall. I'll have to dig one up. :)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Our weekend, part I
Well, as you know, we spent the majority of the holiday weekend in Atlanta. We had a wonderful time, even though I was pretty sick through parts of it (it honestly could have been worse, though. Thank goodness for zofran!)
Saturday morning, we got an early start (which is not hard to do with our children) and arrived at the Bicentennial park around 11. We walked around, had lunch at the fountain (yes, we packed a picnic) and found a really neat playground for the kids. The adults joked that we could make this trip very inexpensive if the kids were this happy with just a picnic lunch at the fountain and a playground.
After that fun, we headed to the hotel to have some quiet time. Which ended up not being very quiet for the kids... Oh well. We rounded up our first day with some quality time at Ikea. Every girls dream.
Saturday morning, we got an early start (which is not hard to do with our children) and arrived at the Bicentennial park around 11. We walked around, had lunch at the fountain (yes, we packed a picnic) and found a really neat playground for the kids. The adults joked that we could make this trip very inexpensive if the kids were this happy with just a picnic lunch at the fountain and a playground.
After we hit the playground, we decided to check out the Coca cola area. We wanted to do the tour. However, there was a 30 minute wait just to get in, then the tour was 1.5 hours. It was already 2 pm and we didn't think it wise to push our luck. They were behaving beautifully at that moment in time, but who knew what 2 hours would bring. Instead, we played in the field for a bit and let the kids dance to the music.
After that fun, we headed to the hotel to have some quiet time. Which ended up not being very quiet for the kids... Oh well. We rounded up our first day with some quality time at Ikea. Every girls dream.
Stay tuned for more pictures tomorrow! I don't have the energy to figure out the silly way blogger uploads pictures. Its fine for one round, but two is another story. lol.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Didn't your momma teach you?
I'd just like to take a minute and address something. This is MY blog. I can post whatever I want, whenever I want, and about whoever I want. This is MY blog.
This is MY blog. This is MY place to vent, grieve, rant, gloat, or talk about nothing. If I want to complain about the fact that my grass is dying in my back yard, I can! I don't care if people around the country would kill for my little bit of grass. If I want to complain about MY yard on MY blog, than I will! If I want to complain about my children, then I will! If I want to complain about the price of beans in China, then I will!
I'm having a lot of pregnancy symptoms right now, but I refrain from complaining about this at all because I feel so blessed to be this far into my pregnancy. However, if I wanted to, I could, because this is MY blog. Mine, mine, MINE!
And, guess what! Even though I'm pregnant, I still HURT! God is healing me, but I still have deep wounds from my losses. I don't care how many children I go onto have, I'll always miss the ones that passed too soon. They'll always have a place in my heart, and I'm sure that I will never completely heal. So, yeah, I do vent sometimes about my pain. I vent because I'm a real person. A person with wounds, pains, and hurts. A viable pregnancy doesn't change that. Two live children don't change the fact that I miss my lost babies. Two children and a pregnancy doesn't change the embarrassment I feel because my body doesn't work like everyone else's.
There are people out there like me. Ones who have children who have lost babies. They hurt. They grieve. I want them to know that they are not alone. Its okay to hurt, okay to grieve, okay to be angry, okay to question God.
If you don't like it, feel free to leave.
If you don't leave, I'd just like to remind you: If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all.
This is MY blog. This is MY place to vent, grieve, rant, gloat, or talk about nothing. If I want to complain about the fact that my grass is dying in my back yard, I can! I don't care if people around the country would kill for my little bit of grass. If I want to complain about MY yard on MY blog, than I will! If I want to complain about my children, then I will! If I want to complain about the price of beans in China, then I will!
I'm having a lot of pregnancy symptoms right now, but I refrain from complaining about this at all because I feel so blessed to be this far into my pregnancy. However, if I wanted to, I could, because this is MY blog. Mine, mine, MINE!
And, guess what! Even though I'm pregnant, I still HURT! God is healing me, but I still have deep wounds from my losses. I don't care how many children I go onto have, I'll always miss the ones that passed too soon. They'll always have a place in my heart, and I'm sure that I will never completely heal. So, yeah, I do vent sometimes about my pain. I vent because I'm a real person. A person with wounds, pains, and hurts. A viable pregnancy doesn't change that. Two live children don't change the fact that I miss my lost babies. Two children and a pregnancy doesn't change the embarrassment I feel because my body doesn't work like everyone else's.
There are people out there like me. Ones who have children who have lost babies. They hurt. They grieve. I want them to know that they are not alone. Its okay to hurt, okay to grieve, okay to be angry, okay to question God.
If you don't like it, feel free to leave.
If you don't leave, I'd just like to remind you: If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I'll never be the same again
Today was a busy day. A weird day. Full of mixed emotions.
Emotion 1: Elation. As you might have guessed, I had another u/s today. Everything looks wonderful! The baby was actually measuring ahead! (woot woot!) Apparently, my uterus is 4xs the size of a first time mother's at this stage. Dr. H said its due to all of my other pregnancies. No wonder I already feel the need for maternity pants! The heart rate was 158, which is fabulous! The baby has grown a ton since last Monday which impressed the dr. a lot! So much so, that they released me to my OB.
Emotion 2: Leary. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to my OB. I love her dearly, (even though I'll probably end up switching in the end so I can have a more natural child birth...) but its so nice at the RE's office. Its like a paradise of dr.'s offices. I have never waited more than 5 minutes. Today's wait time was about 2. Its in, out, every one's nice, friendly, and seems to care about you. Its not uncommon to wait an hour, sometimes two, at the OB. But, despite my hesitation, I called. It was quite funny because the scheduling lady asked for my LMP and I told her "I'm under strict advice from Dr. H to just tell you that I am 8 weeks." She laughed and said that was fine- apparently they get that a lot from their office.
Emotion #3: Hurt. Some dear friends of mine (we've been friends since Olivia was about 8 weeks old) took me out for ice cream tonight for my upcoming birthday. I took a double dose of my zofran (ok'd by Dr. H, if you're wondering) and met my friends at Maggie Moo's. One of those friends lost a baby around the same time that I lost mine in October of last year. This particular friend shared that she is pregnant again. Thirteen weeks along. They found out yesterday its a girl.
I have to admit, my first reaction was not joy or elation. It was hurt. Then confusion as to why I was hurt. What do I care anymore? I'm pregnant, I have a beautiful living being in my uterus. Why should it still hurt me to hear of other's pregnancies?
On the way I realized several things. The thing that was bothering me at the moment was that I have lost almost all luxury of "surprising" people. I realize that I publicly share on my blog, (which is something I felt called to share with my in-real-life friends. remember this post?) But, I also shared with a few select friends via phone calls (the friends I went out with tonight). I've shared almost every pregnancy with them because I know that I'm going to 1. share with them if I loose another baby 2.want them to pray for me and 3. get questions about how the cycle is going at the RE's office (really, when friends know you're going to an RE, there's no secrecy!)
When I really reflected on it, I wasn't hurt just because I couldn't surprise people. I realized tonight that, despite being pregnant with a healthy baby, I'll never be the same person I was before all of our losses. I can never enjoy a pregnancy in quite the same way I did before. I can never take for granted that this baby will be born alive and healthy. I can never walk into a doctor appointment with sheer excitement. I will never be able to walk into an OB appointment with out fear in the pit of my stomach.
I will never be the same again.
Just as those babies stretched out my uterus, leaving a permanent physical mark, loosing those precious babies has left a mark on my soul.
As I sat here to type this entry, I was reminded of a song that I used to listen to when I lived at home. It reminds me that change isn't always bad. I'm more mature, more involved in my pregnancies and my chidlren's lives. I've come to realize a lot of new things about God and life in general.
Even though my journey is not over and has been long, and full of hurt and loss, I'm convinced that God will use me. Some day, he'll use my circumstances to touch some one's life.
Lord, whatever you need to do, do in me.
I'll never be the same again
Hillsong
I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk apart,
I'll run the race
And I will never be the same again.
Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.
There are higher heights,
there are deeper seas,
Whatever you need to do,
Lord do in me.
The Glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.
Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.
I will never be the same again,
I can never return,
I've closed the door.
I will walk the path,
I will run the race
And I will never be the same again.
Emotion 1: Elation. As you might have guessed, I had another u/s today. Everything looks wonderful! The baby was actually measuring ahead! (woot woot!) Apparently, my uterus is 4xs the size of a first time mother's at this stage. Dr. H said its due to all of my other pregnancies. No wonder I already feel the need for maternity pants! The heart rate was 158, which is fabulous! The baby has grown a ton since last Monday which impressed the dr. a lot! So much so, that they released me to my OB.
Emotion 2: Leary. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to my OB. I love her dearly, (even though I'll probably end up switching in the end so I can have a more natural child birth...) but its so nice at the RE's office. Its like a paradise of dr.'s offices. I have never waited more than 5 minutes. Today's wait time was about 2. Its in, out, every one's nice, friendly, and seems to care about you. Its not uncommon to wait an hour, sometimes two, at the OB. But, despite my hesitation, I called. It was quite funny because the scheduling lady asked for my LMP and I told her "I'm under strict advice from Dr. H to just tell you that I am 8 weeks." She laughed and said that was fine- apparently they get that a lot from their office.
Emotion #3: Hurt. Some dear friends of mine (we've been friends since Olivia was about 8 weeks old) took me out for ice cream tonight for my upcoming birthday. I took a double dose of my zofran (ok'd by Dr. H, if you're wondering) and met my friends at Maggie Moo's. One of those friends lost a baby around the same time that I lost mine in October of last year. This particular friend shared that she is pregnant again. Thirteen weeks along. They found out yesterday its a girl.
I have to admit, my first reaction was not joy or elation. It was hurt. Then confusion as to why I was hurt. What do I care anymore? I'm pregnant, I have a beautiful living being in my uterus. Why should it still hurt me to hear of other's pregnancies?
On the way I realized several things. The thing that was bothering me at the moment was that I have lost almost all luxury of "surprising" people. I realize that I publicly share on my blog, (which is something I felt called to share with my in-real-life friends. remember this post?) But, I also shared with a few select friends via phone calls (the friends I went out with tonight). I've shared almost every pregnancy with them because I know that I'm going to 1. share with them if I loose another baby 2.want them to pray for me and 3. get questions about how the cycle is going at the RE's office (really, when friends know you're going to an RE, there's no secrecy!)
When I really reflected on it, I wasn't hurt just because I couldn't surprise people. I realized tonight that, despite being pregnant with a healthy baby, I'll never be the same person I was before all of our losses. I can never enjoy a pregnancy in quite the same way I did before. I can never take for granted that this baby will be born alive and healthy. I can never walk into a doctor appointment with sheer excitement. I will never be able to walk into an OB appointment with out fear in the pit of my stomach.
I will never be the same again.
Just as those babies stretched out my uterus, leaving a permanent physical mark, loosing those precious babies has left a mark on my soul.
As I sat here to type this entry, I was reminded of a song that I used to listen to when I lived at home. It reminds me that change isn't always bad. I'm more mature, more involved in my pregnancies and my chidlren's lives. I've come to realize a lot of new things about God and life in general.
Even though my journey is not over and has been long, and full of hurt and loss, I'm convinced that God will use me. Some day, he'll use my circumstances to touch some one's life.
Lord, whatever you need to do, do in me.
I'll never be the same again
Hillsong
I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk apart,
I'll run the race
And I will never be the same again.
Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.
There are higher heights,
there are deeper seas,
Whatever you need to do,
Lord do in me.
The Glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.
Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.
I will never be the same again,
I can never return,
I've closed the door.
I will walk the path,
I will run the race
And I will never be the same again.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Old McDonald- recital dance
Here's my baby girl on rehersal day. I was in the front row for that performance, too. Unfortunately, she did much better on recital day. However, video cameras were not allowed (so they can charge $50 a dvd) for that performance.
I'm also bummed that her hat was so low. I couldn't see her face. :( Don't even get me started on the hats... Its a touchy subject for me.
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