I'll never be the same again

Today was a busy day. A weird day. Full of mixed emotions.

Emotion 1: Elation. As you might have guessed, I had another u/s today. Everything looks wonderful! The baby was actually measuring ahead! (woot woot!) Apparently, my uterus is 4xs the size of a first time mother's at this stage. Dr. H said its due to all of my other pregnancies. No wonder I already feel the need for maternity pants! The heart rate was 158, which is fabulous! The baby has grown a ton since last Monday which impressed the dr. a lot! So much so, that they released me to my OB.

Emotion 2: Leary. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to my OB. I love her dearly, (even though I'll probably end up switching in the end so I can have a more natural child birth...) but its so nice at the RE's office. Its like a paradise of dr.'s offices. I have never waited more than 5 minutes. Today's wait time was about 2. Its in, out, every one's nice, friendly, and seems to care about you. Its not uncommon to wait an hour, sometimes two, at the OB. But, despite my hesitation, I called. It was quite funny because the scheduling lady asked for my LMP and I told her "I'm under strict advice from Dr. H to just tell you that I am 8 weeks." She laughed and said that was fine- apparently they get that a lot from their office.

Emotion #3: Hurt. Some dear friends of mine (we've been friends since Olivia was about 8 weeks old) took me out for ice cream tonight for my upcoming birthday. I took a double dose of my zofran (ok'd by Dr. H, if you're wondering) and met my friends at Maggie Moo's. One of those friends lost a baby around the same time that I lost mine in October of last year. This particular friend shared that she is pregnant again. Thirteen weeks along. They found out yesterday its a girl.

I have to admit, my first reaction was not joy or elation. It was hurt. Then confusion as to why I was hurt. What do I care anymore? I'm pregnant, I have a beautiful living being in my uterus. Why should it still hurt me to hear of other's pregnancies?

On the way I realized several things. The thing that was bothering me at the moment was that I have lost almost all luxury of "surprising" people. I realize that I publicly share on my blog, (which is something I felt called to share with my in-real-life friends. remember this post?) But, I also shared with a few select friends via phone calls (the friends I went out with tonight). I've shared almost every pregnancy with them because I know that I'm going to 1. share with them if I loose another baby 2.want them to pray for me and 3. get questions about how the cycle is going at the RE's office (really, when friends know you're going to an RE, there's no secrecy!)

When I really reflected on it, I wasn't hurt just because I couldn't surprise people. I realized tonight that, despite being pregnant with a healthy baby, I'll never be the same person I was before all of our losses. I can never enjoy a pregnancy in quite the same way I did before. I can never take for granted that this baby will be born alive and healthy. I can never walk into a doctor appointment with sheer excitement. I will never be able to walk into an OB appointment with out fear in the pit of my stomach.

I will never be the same again.

Just as those babies stretched out my uterus, leaving a permanent physical mark, loosing those precious babies has left a mark on my soul.

As I sat here to type this entry, I was reminded of a song that I used to listen to when I lived at home. It reminds me that change isn't always bad. I'm more mature, more involved in my pregnancies and my chidlren's lives. I've come to realize a lot of new things about God and life in general.

Even though my journey is not over and has been long, and full of hurt and loss, I'm convinced that God will use me. Some day, he'll use my circumstances to touch some one's life.

Lord, whatever you need to do, do in me.


I'll never be the same again
Hillsong

I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk apart,
I'll run the race
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

There are higher heights,
there are deeper seas,
Whatever you need to do,
Lord do in me.
The Glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

I will never be the same again,
I can never return,
I've closed the door.
I will walk the path,
I will run the race
And I will never be the same again.