Friday, November 21, 2008

Negative mourning

Well, my temperature went back up this morning, so I thought "hey, I'll take a test". Big ole blaring "not pregnant" was the first thing I woke up to today. Not really the way I would like to start my day. *sigh*

Yesterday, when I was reading my bible, I came across a few verses about promises. Most of them were in reference to God's timing. His promises are fulfilled in HIS timing. Ouch. That's really not what I wanted to read. I read all of the verses about how God is faithful to keep his promises, which is wonderful! But, the thing that kept jumping out at me over and over and over and over again was that its HIS timing. Not mine. HIS.

Like I've said before, I've never been a patient person. I can't imagine waiting for years and years for a child- like Sarah and Abraham. I'm sure she had some major baggage after so many years of infertility. I just don't know if I could trust in a promise after that many years. (which, obviously, they didn't either- hence Ishmael)

Sometimes I get so discouraged. This stuff that is going on right now just doesn't make sense to me. Why I had to loose so many babies. Why I can't seem to stay pregnant. Why the dr.'s can't find anything wrong. Why its taking so long to have a 3rd child when the first two came so fast. Why everyone around me seems to get pregnant and stay pregnant so easily.

I guess those questions are just going to go on my list of questions to ask God when I get to heaven. Maybe then I'll understand why His timing isn't the same as mine.


T- said...

I'm sorry! Stay positive and have faith, that's all you can do.


Lisa said...

Secondary infertility hurts so much. All you have is questions and it hurts that much more when you can't get answers.


T- said...


There's something for you on my blog!

Amanda said...

God's timing is one of the hardest things to understand when dealing with infertility.

So many times in our journey I hated God's timing... only to find out later He was actually right. Not only do I hate being patient, but I hate being wrong too.

It's hard to keep your head up...

Jackie said...

I'm so sorry Tracy! HUGS!!!

Your blog is so pretty! =)

HellcatJill said...

Those verses have always been difficult for me to read, too, especially when I was struggling with why I wasn't able to get pregnant/stay pregnant. I had what I thought was a good time line, but I guess God disagreed. I know God has a plan for you, and while it's terrible to wait, there's not much you can do except TRY to wait patiently and trust in His plan for you. Many hugs to you!

Michelle P. said...

I left you something on my blog ;)