Want to know what I ate today to comfort myself? Crap. Crap with a capital "C". I know I shouldn't feel guilty, since I'm technically still miscarrying. But, I still do. Not enough to stop myself earlier, though. Of course.
I ate 2 doughnuts for breakfast at FPU (I cant' remember the last time I ate ONE at all. Much less two) 3 cups of coffee (to stay alert with my lack of sleep) a snickers bar, diet caffeine free coke, and some sour gummy worms and homemade pizza for dinner. The only redeeming item in my day thus far has been the bowl of soup I ate for lunch.
So, with all of that junk, why is it that I just want to go eat a big bowl of chocolate ice cream and drink some wine?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Its over
There's always that tiny little secret hope in the back of my head: maybe they're wrong. There's still a chance for a miracle.
Nope. Its done now. I woke up around 3 am with horrible cramps. Quickly followed by lots of bleeding and clots. I'm pretty drugged up right now, but could stand something stronger even.
Want to know what is really, really weird? I just looked back on my pregnancy cycles. Each pregnancy ended at CD 36. Every single one that I charted for! No matter what day I ovulated, I started bleeding the same day each pregnancy. How is this not related to SOMETHING? 4 pregnancies that end on the exact same cycle day...
Well, I have to get moving. We have to facilitate financial peace again. I don't really want to go, but I'm hoping it'll take my mind off stuff for a little while. Know one there knows anything that's going on, so I won't have to talk about it.
Nope. Its done now. I woke up around 3 am with horrible cramps. Quickly followed by lots of bleeding and clots. I'm pretty drugged up right now, but could stand something stronger even.
Want to know what is really, really weird? I just looked back on my pregnancy cycles. Each pregnancy ended at CD 36. Every single one that I charted for! No matter what day I ovulated, I started bleeding the same day each pregnancy. How is this not related to SOMETHING? 4 pregnancies that end on the exact same cycle day...
Well, I have to get moving. We have to facilitate financial peace again. I don't really want to go, but I'm hoping it'll take my mind off stuff for a little while. Know one there knows anything that's going on, so I won't have to talk about it.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Stages of Grief
I've been wondering if there's a numb stage somewhere in the 5 stages of grief. That's pretty much how I feel today. Numb. I cried my eyes out yesterday... Today- nothing. Dry as a bone. Or maybe its denial. Denial that what happened yesterday didn't really happen.
As I happened apon a website with the 5stages of grief, I realized that numbness is in there. In the depression section (which, really surprised me, actually. I wouldn't consider myself depressed, but rather: "detached")
I read a lot of the book of Job in my bible today. That whole situation just baffles me. I still don't "get it". Maybe I will by the time I finish the book, but right now, it doesn't make sense to me.
Job says in chapter 6, verses 11-13
"What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient? Do I have the strength of stone? Is my flesh bronze? Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?"
I get this. I really do. I feel completely hopeless and I am lacking in strength. I just don't know if I can even attempt to try again.
E thinks that we should go ahead and try during the month of February. Dr. H said that we could try on our own if we'd like this month, then in March start back with the meds. Honestly, if I had to decide today, it would be to stop trying. I don't know if I can bear to go through this again. Every time I feel like I'm healing, it happens again and I have to start over. Except, I'm never really starting over from scratch. Its not like "poof" I'm healed, and I never get sad or think about my babies. There's always the hurt and sadness of missing them. Even when I feel like I'm healing, its always there. Each time I loose one, I think to myself that "I should be used to this by now." I should be used to the loss, sadness, disappointment. But, I'm not. It seems like it should be easier, but it gets harder. Each one is harder and harder and harder.
A friend, (who in the past has said some pretty stupid things to say to someone who's grieving) told me that she couldn't wait to get to heaven to meet all of my little saints. I don't believe that they are Saints (she's Catholic) I do believe that they are there. Each one of them. This is how I know:
Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you formed my inward parts;you knitted me together in my mother's womb.14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. [1]Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well.15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,intricately woven in the depths of the earth.16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,the days that were formed for me,when as yet there was none of them.
As I happened apon a website with the 5stages of grief, I realized that numbness is in there. In the depression section (which, really surprised me, actually. I wouldn't consider myself depressed, but rather: "detached")
I read a lot of the book of Job in my bible today. That whole situation just baffles me. I still don't "get it". Maybe I will by the time I finish the book, but right now, it doesn't make sense to me.
Job says in chapter 6, verses 11-13
"What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient? Do I have the strength of stone? Is my flesh bronze? Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?"
I get this. I really do. I feel completely hopeless and I am lacking in strength. I just don't know if I can even attempt to try again.
E thinks that we should go ahead and try during the month of February. Dr. H said that we could try on our own if we'd like this month, then in March start back with the meds. Honestly, if I had to decide today, it would be to stop trying. I don't know if I can bear to go through this again. Every time I feel like I'm healing, it happens again and I have to start over. Except, I'm never really starting over from scratch. Its not like "poof" I'm healed, and I never get sad or think about my babies. There's always the hurt and sadness of missing them. Even when I feel like I'm healing, its always there. Each time I loose one, I think to myself that "I should be used to this by now." I should be used to the loss, sadness, disappointment. But, I'm not. It seems like it should be easier, but it gets harder. Each one is harder and harder and harder.
A friend, (who in the past has said some pretty stupid things to say to someone who's grieving) told me that she couldn't wait to get to heaven to meet all of my little saints. I don't believe that they are Saints (she's Catholic) I do believe that they are there. Each one of them. This is how I know:
Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you formed my inward parts;you knitted me together in my mother's womb.14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. [1]Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well.15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,intricately woven in the depths of the earth.16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,the days that were formed for me,when as yet there was none of them.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I hate this
Really, I shouldn't be surprised. But, I am a little.
levels today: progesterone 2, hcg 13. I'll probably m/c this baby sometime this weekend.
levels today: progesterone 2, hcg 13. I'll probably m/c this baby sometime this weekend.
Ugh
So my "high" of good feelings yesterday has now dropped to very, very, very bad feelings. I woke up this morning to a temperature of 98.41! What the hey?!!?! Its been consistently in the 98.7 range since I got my positive. Granted, I did take my temperature at 5, instead of 6. But, even with the adjustment, that leaves me with a low 98.6 (plus, I'm not really sure how accurate it is to adjust temps. It seems like its always "right on" no matter what...)
AND, I'm cramping some. I know, I know. Its normal for early pregnancy. However, combined with my lower temperature, I am officially freaking out. Seriously. Freaking. Out. Plus, I have this overall feeling of negativity. I am not really sure why that is there. For preparation of the news I might get today, or the temptation to loose hope.
But, I'm trying to keep my spirit in the right place. I'm trying to be in constant prayer, never ceasing, asking, (begging, really) God to protect my baby and to heal my womb.
My IF (Internet friend) Heidi sent me this song on Monday. My God IS mighty to save!
AND, I'm cramping some. I know, I know. Its normal for early pregnancy. However, combined with my lower temperature, I am officially freaking out. Seriously. Freaking. Out. Plus, I have this overall feeling of negativity. I am not really sure why that is there. For preparation of the news I might get today, or the temptation to loose hope.
But, I'm trying to keep my spirit in the right place. I'm trying to be in constant prayer, never ceasing, asking, (begging, really) God to protect my baby and to heal my womb.
My IF (Internet friend) Heidi sent me this song on Monday. My God IS mighty to save!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Bruises
So- my tummy looks kind of rough today. The injections aren't being kind to me. With the trigger shot, it wasn't that big of a deal. One shot, once in the month, and it didn't sting very much. These sting. Really, really, really sting. The needle going in doesn't actually hurt very much (its pretty tiny) but after I push in the medicine, it starts to burn (reminds me of that SNL skit with the "shirt in a can". Where the tester says "its burning my skin!")
Anyway, here's a picture from my injection site last night. The one from tuesday night is more bruised, but this has only been 12 hours since the injection. All around that red part is bruised, too! But, no pain, no gain! I think its funny that I used to be petrified of needles, though.
________________________________________________
A had to have his foot/leg and skull x-rayed yesterday. The stinker jumped off our bed on saturday and has been limping ever since. The dr. called last night and said it was clear, but that he'll have to be re-x-rayed on friday if he's still limping. I guess breaks are hard to see on little ones. His head wasn't actually an injury. E's been super concerned that something's wrong with A's head. There's a ridge between the front and back of his head. Turns out, its just the way his growth plates came together (ahem, like I may have said several times! but, whatever.)
A was so good during the x-rays. They had to call in a "helper" since I'm pregnant (the technician wasn't very nice when I told her. She said "ugh. that's not good!") The guy who came in to help was super good with A. Had him laughing and talking since I had to hide out back by the computers, all the way in the corner. During the skull x-rays they had to hold his head on both sides with these circular foam things. I'm assuming to keep his head still with out fingers or hand bones in the picture. He got a little scared, but the helper was awesome! he had A wave to me through the window and was telling him how proud I was of him. So neat!
The whole time, I was just thinking about how O would've freaked. I mean, completely freaked! In fact, when she broke her foot last year, she DID freak out during the x-ray. They almost had to sedate her. Granted, she has had a lot of the kidney x-rays (the nasty kind with a cath) and she has a bad taste in her mouth from those, so I understand. Yesterday, though, I just sat her up on the table to tie her shoe and she started getting panicky. I'm just glad it was A on the table and not O. That would've been miserable.
The neat thing about it all was that I got to say I was pregnant! Silly, I know. But, the last time we had to get x-rays (for A again. He's a dare devil) I had just miscarried and the technician went on and on about making sure I was pregnant. It was really hard. But, yesterday, I got to BE pregnant! Woot!
Anyway, here's a picture from my injection site last night. The one from tuesday night is more bruised, but this has only been 12 hours since the injection. All around that red part is bruised, too! But, no pain, no gain! I think its funny that I used to be petrified of needles, though.
________________________________________________
A had to have his foot/leg and skull x-rayed yesterday. The stinker jumped off our bed on saturday and has been limping ever since. The dr. called last night and said it was clear, but that he'll have to be re-x-rayed on friday if he's still limping. I guess breaks are hard to see on little ones. His head wasn't actually an injury. E's been super concerned that something's wrong with A's head. There's a ridge between the front and back of his head. Turns out, its just the way his growth plates came together (ahem, like I may have said several times! but, whatever.)
A was so good during the x-rays. They had to call in a "helper" since I'm pregnant (the technician wasn't very nice when I told her. She said "ugh. that's not good!") The guy who came in to help was super good with A. Had him laughing and talking since I had to hide out back by the computers, all the way in the corner. During the skull x-rays they had to hold his head on both sides with these circular foam things. I'm assuming to keep his head still with out fingers or hand bones in the picture. He got a little scared, but the helper was awesome! he had A wave to me through the window and was telling him how proud I was of him. So neat!
The whole time, I was just thinking about how O would've freaked. I mean, completely freaked! In fact, when she broke her foot last year, she DID freak out during the x-ray. They almost had to sedate her. Granted, she has had a lot of the kidney x-rays (the nasty kind with a cath) and she has a bad taste in her mouth from those, so I understand. Yesterday, though, I just sat her up on the table to tie her shoe and she started getting panicky. I'm just glad it was A on the table and not O. That would've been miserable.
The neat thing about it all was that I got to say I was pregnant! Silly, I know. But, the last time we had to get x-rays (for A again. He's a dare devil) I had just miscarried and the technician went on and on about making sure I was pregnant. It was really hard. But, yesterday, I got to BE pregnant! Woot!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Embracing hope
Hope
noun, verb, hoped, hop⋅ing.
–noun
1.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2.a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3.grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4.a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5.something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope. –verb (used with object)
6.to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7.to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory. –verb (used without object)
8.to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.
9.Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in).
Its interesting that #9 is "to place trust". In this definition, it seems as though "hope" and "faith" are closely related. I have always thought that it was easier to hope than to have faith. Because hope is often self-centered, having hope for something comes from your ability to think positively. Where as faith, is placing your desires, thoughts, etc in someone else's hands. But, now that I think about it, faith is placing your HOPE in someone else. Placing my hope in God to protect my little babe is suspiciously like faith.
Here is what I am now struggling with: the facts. The facts are:
*I am %50 likely to miscarry this baby. Those are just my odds from my medical history.
*My last pregnancy hcg numbers doubled, twice, and the pregnancy still failed
*I have miscarried every baby since the birth of my son.
*I have yet to make it to 6 weeks with any of those babies.
*Every time I go to the bathroom, I get panicky, and look for blood
* I'm scared. Really scared.
The reason I'm struggling with the facts is that I desire so much, to celebrate this little life with-in my body. My sweet little baby deserves a more excited entrance into the world! I think back, to most of my previous pregnancies, and I was signing up for pregnancy updates, emails, coupons, and made a ticker the day I got my positive test. Maybe it was the pain it caused me to undo all of those things before that has prohibited me from doing ANY of them now. Up until today, I hadn't even looked up my due date. Strictly because it hurts so much when you loose a baby and then have to function on your due date with out a precious little person to hold. It almost seems better to not know. (I know that I have a baby angel due date coming in just 2 weeks and then another just 6 weeks from then. It is so hard to think about it.)
Anyway, I decided today that I would look at my due date and be hopefull. I love this baby and I don't want to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. God has given me a little babe, even if its only for a short period of time. I will have hope! I love this babe, and I want to cherish it!
noun, verb, hoped, hop⋅ing.
–noun
1.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2.a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3.grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4.a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5.something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope. –verb (used with object)
6.to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7.to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory. –verb (used without object)
8.to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.
9.Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in).
Its interesting that #9 is "to place trust". In this definition, it seems as though "hope" and "faith" are closely related. I have always thought that it was easier to hope than to have faith. Because hope is often self-centered, having hope for something comes from your ability to think positively. Where as faith, is placing your desires, thoughts, etc in someone else's hands. But, now that I think about it, faith is placing your HOPE in someone else. Placing my hope in God to protect my little babe is suspiciously like faith.
Here is what I am now struggling with: the facts. The facts are:
*I am %50 likely to miscarry this baby. Those are just my odds from my medical history.
*My last pregnancy hcg numbers doubled, twice, and the pregnancy still failed
*I have miscarried every baby since the birth of my son.
*I have yet to make it to 6 weeks with any of those babies.
*Every time I go to the bathroom, I get panicky, and look for blood
* I'm scared. Really scared.
The reason I'm struggling with the facts is that I desire so much, to celebrate this little life with-in my body. My sweet little baby deserves a more excited entrance into the world! I think back, to most of my previous pregnancies, and I was signing up for pregnancy updates, emails, coupons, and made a ticker the day I got my positive test. Maybe it was the pain it caused me to undo all of those things before that has prohibited me from doing ANY of them now. Up until today, I hadn't even looked up my due date. Strictly because it hurts so much when you loose a baby and then have to function on your due date with out a precious little person to hold. It almost seems better to not know. (I know that I have a baby angel due date coming in just 2 weeks and then another just 6 weeks from then. It is so hard to think about it.)
Anyway, I decided today that I would look at my due date and be hopefull. I love this baby and I don't want to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. God has given me a little babe, even if its only for a short period of time. I will have hope! I love this babe, and I want to cherish it!
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