Praying for a little "turkey" for Thanksgiving

Its amazing how I still had a little hope that I was pregnant yesterday, despite a negative pregnancy test AND a temperature drop. I just thought "maybe" it still could be. I have to wonder if most people feel that way...

Anyway, it turns out that I did start my period yesterday, so that moves us onto a new month. Guess what! My next period should arrive on Thanksgiving. I cant' think of a better day to take a pregnancy test. If its positive, hey, we can all celebrate as a family. If its negative, I'll have lots of company to keep me busy. :)

We went to the RE a few days ago. We're going to go ahead with monitoring an unmedicated cycle. Eric is still a little perturbed, but I think its important. I'll have an ultrasound and blood work tomorrow. The RE is going to check my uterine lining with the u/s and progesterone with the blood work. Then, day 12ish, we'll have another u/s to check ovaries and follicles. Then, day 21, we'll check progesterone again. I just hope that I have a "normal" for me cycle. That way he can see what my body normally does.

In other news, my dad told me yesterday that he had a dream back in June that I was going to have a baby on July 17. He seemed to think it was a God-dream. Who knows what year I'll have a baby in July, but I'm holding onto that promise. Heck, I'll hold onto the promise that I WILL have another baby. That's encouragement enough for me right now.

change of heart

I had typed a big long blog about how hard it was for me to put away the high chair. How the grief snuck up on me. It did. However, I've changed my mind. I'm blogging about why I'm excited.

I'm excited because I ovulated days earlier than "normal" which meant that we didn't have to dtd under pressure at my parents with all four of us sharing a room.

I'm excited because my parents believe in me.

I'm excited because my husband is coming home early today.

I'm excited because we get to spend a family day together tomorrow.

I'm excited that Austin stayed dry all day today.

I'm excited because my kidney pain seems to have gone away for now.

I'm excited because I have a wonderful looking chart. It may not pan out, but its nice to look at.
here:

Woo hoo!

I just got my first ever positive OPK. *happy dance* I've always ovulated, as evidence of my two children and numerous pregnancies. However, I've never had a positive OPK until today. My OB just said that some people don't get positives. She said about 10% of people who do ovulate won't show that they are on those tests.

Anyway- I am excited!

Peeing on sticks

Eric thinks I have a problem. He thinks I have an addiction to peeing on sticks. While I probably do have some sort of fettish, he has no idea what its like. :)

I started my OPK's yesturday. The RE officially said that we don't have to use them if we don't want. Eric took that to mean that we never had to use them and we didn't want to. Same thing with taking my temperature in the mornings. He keeps saying "what's the point?".

I guess it gives me a sense of control. Even though I have no real control of when my body ovulates, at least I'll know if it did, dang-it!

HSG results

My HSG went okay yesturday. It hurt. A lot more than the dr. led me to believe. They kept saying, "you'll feel some pressure". It was way more than that. It hurt. Plus, it didn't help that they had to do it 3 times. ugh.

Anyway- the dye, when they finally got it to go in the right spot, flowed freely through my left tube. After 3 times, they finally gave up trying to get it to go in my right. It didn't even go in at all, so I guess that made the RE comfortable with the results. he said it could be a spasm that was preventing it from going in. he said it was an odd place to find pathology and he doubted anything was wrong. He said typically when someone has a blockage in their tubes, the dye goes part way into the tubes. The dye didn;t go in at all. He also said that it looked like there was a "current" of dye. All of the dye they kept pushing, was basically gushing out the left side. He said they can't tell the dye which way to go when it gets in there. It takes the path of least reistance.

So, basically, no new news. He said my blood work came back, and everything looked normal. We got the green light to ttc again. We're still waiting to make sure that the chromosome test is covered by our insurance before Eric gets it done. the RE said that even if something showed up on Eric's end, that we would just be told to try to get pregnant on our own anyway. He said my losses look like "just one of those things that happens". he said it makes my prognosis that much better.

So, good that nothing is wrong, but frustrating to not have a reason.

Nervous

I'm nervous today. Anxious to hear what the dr. will say and if he will tell me anything during the proceedure. I hope I don't have to wait a few more weeks...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my HSG. I can't, for the life of me, remember what HSG stands for. ha! But, for those of you who don't know, its a proceedure where they push dye up into your uterus and tubes to check for blockages.

The dr. doesn't expect to find anything. He said "We're all assuming that these pregnancies have been in your uterus, but we don't know for sure. That's why we're doing the HSG. However, I'm pretty confident that there won't be any surprises". So basically, we're just doing the test to rule it out.

I have a friend who is currently going to this dr. The very first time she went, he said he thought he knew what her problem was and started on the road to "fix" her. I was pretty excited for that first appointment. However, I went in and felt like he had no answers for me. He had no real "plan" other than just testing, testing, and more testing. Not expecting to find anything of value, but testing just to make sure. I'm glad that we're covering all of the "could be's" but I wish there was something more concrete to say "aha, that's what it is!"

Anyway- I'm pretty nervous for tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to the whole shoving things up me and pushing dye in my uterus. I'm a little nervous about the cramping, too. Part of me hopes that they will find something and can just push a a little extra dye through and "fix" it. I know they probably won't, but it would be great if our problem could be fixed tomorrow. *sigh*

ugh.

I want a baby.

Good days

I'm thankful for good days. I think today will be a good day, (despite seeing a close friend with a baby born on my due date in April.) I have apple cider going on the stove, cookies in the oven, kettle corn in a bowl, and friends coming over to do crafts. I'm looking forward to fellowship and a housefull of kiddos. AND, I love fall!

The good days are so nice compared to bad. It seems like I go through cycles of good and bad days. A few days that are good, followed by a few days that are rough.

I don't have anything insightful to say except I'm glad today is a good day.

Normal

I have just been thinking how wonderful it is to have great friends. Its funny to me how friendships evolve. There are people who I don't really like or get along with at first. Maybe they rub me the wrong way, or their personalities are too different from mine. But, as I get to know them, they almost start to grow on me. Then, before you know it, I actually love them.

A particular friend like that has been a super big help to me lately with all of the m/c stuff. She lost her first husband,suddenly, while they were trying to get pregnant. She told me that she hated the sight of pregnant people. Hated walking into a mall and seeing them with their big bellies. (Thankfully, for me, seeing women who are much farther along don't bother me. Its the announcing that does it for me.) She also lost a baby a few months ago as well.

The greatest thing about this friend is that she gets it. I was rather quiet at a birthday party (for her daughter) the other day. She pulled me aside and simply said "whatever you're feeling, I can guarantee its normal. You may feel bad for feeling angry, but its completely normal. You're feelings are completely normal."

Sometimes, you just need to hear that you're normal. Sometimes the worst part about all of it is feeling bad for being mad instead of happy for others. Feeling like saying "hey, that should be MINE!" instead of "congratulations!" Sometimes I just feel like an awful person for thinking like that. Its so immature and not who I want to be. But, it also makes me feel so alone. Who wants to admit things like that to friends? Not many would understand or get it.

I'm glad to have her as a friend. She gets my "normal".

Faith

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see..." Hebrews 11:1

This verse used to be a comfort to me. Almost confirming my faith. However, during the process of my grieving, I went back and reread this passage. On the outset, it looks great. Sure, faith is what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Fabulous!

However, if you go on to read, the passage actually talks about how the great men of faith never saw what they hoped for or had faith in! This is what gets me! Abraham NEVER saw his "great nation". He just had to have faith that it would happen someday. I know from other scriptures in the bible that he doubted. Ishmael was proof that he tried to take things into his own hands. But, yet, the bible describes him as a great man of faith. What made him a man of faith? What qualities did he have?

I guess I've just been really thinking about the "faith" issue a lot. When I was in limbo with my last baby, not knowing if I was going to miscarry or if the baby was going to make it, I really felt like God was saying "have faith. its going to be okay". Its hard to understand why God told me that, when I obviously don't feel okay. Sure, life moves on. I don't sit and cry all of the time, and I still laugh, have fun, and do daily things. So, I guess, I AM okay. But, what I was supposed to have faith about didn't turn out okay. We still lost our baby.

My dad told me once that adversity and trials make us mature in our faith. Not to say that that is the reason for our trials, but that is what comes out of them. I guess its true. I can't say that I've ever really examined what faith really means until now. So I guess that's growth for you.

3 years, a year lost to loss

It occured to me this morning that if we got pregnant this month (and we kept it, which there is a huge chance that I wouldn't) that Austin and the next baby would be over 3 years apart.

Eric and I, when "planning" our family always wanted the kids closer together in age. Its crazy to think that the age difference between Austin and the next child will be almost double (or double depending on if we ever get to keep a baby) the age difference between Olivia and Austin. Its weird.

I guess it it just hit me this morning and it made me a little sad. Plans are plans. Just that. They aren't the past, they aren't the future. Plans are just the way I wanted it to be.