Reflecting

There are so many things in life that you can make plans for. Eating out, going to church, vacations, babies, buying a new house, etc. But, how many of those things are really in our control? If your child gets sick, do you still go out to eat or to church? If you loose your job, do you still buy the bigger house or go on a vacation? And, if you can't get pregnant, do you still physically have a baby?

Plans are broken all of the time. For someone like me, its okay most of the time. I mean, I go with the flow if my kid is sick and we can't go to dinner. I go with the flow if it turns out we can't go on vacation. I'm bummed, sure, but its something you just move on with.

But, it seems, I just can't move past wanting another child. I really want to be "content" with what I have, so that I can live with joy and peace. I want to be okay with only 2 children, just in case, but I don't know if that will ever happen. There's just this hole that pesters and tugs at times of joy and happiness. It threatens to overwhelm me and swallow me. Most of the time, I don't let it.

I just want to be completely happy, not fighting the sadness all of the time.