Tuesday, December 30, 2008


So, I'm off to Kroger to fill my perscription. I'll be taking the entire amount of Clomid this round. Should be super-duper fun! I had horrible mood swings with the half dose...

Someone pray for Eric.

Sunday, December 28, 2008


There are so many things in life that you can make plans for. Eating out, going to church, vacations, babies, buying a new house, etc. But, how many of those things are really in our control? If your child gets sick, do you still go out to eat or to church? If you loose your job, do you still buy the bigger house or go on a vacation? And, if you can't get pregnant, do you still physically have a baby?

Plans are broken all of the time. For someone like me, its okay most of the time. I mean, I go with the flow if my kid is sick and we can't go to dinner. I go with the flow if it turns out we can't go on vacation. I'm bummed, sure, but its something you just move on with.

But, it seems, I just can't move past wanting another child. I really want to be "content" with what I have, so that I can live with joy and peace. I want to be okay with only 2 children, just in case, but I don't know if that will ever happen. There's just this hole that pesters and tugs at times of joy and happiness. It threatens to overwhelm me and swallow me. Most of the time, I don't let it.

I just want to be completely happy, not fighting the sadness all of the time.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

No need to test

I started spotting last night. I'm hoping I can hold off full flow until tomorrow. Otherwise, I won't be able to get into the dr. before CD5 and won't be able to take Clomid this next month.
I'm also pretty confident I have some kind of stomach bug. I was SO sick last night. Two seconds from throwing up.


Back to my brother:
well, he's home! They had to put him in a level 1 trauma, I guess, because it was a puncture wound to the neck! He had to have a CAT scan and a few other things. He still has to see someone next week to make sure it didn't slice part of the artery. The bottom wound was 1 inch deep!
The Great Dane's owners are putting their dog down. Its such a big dog and could do it to anyone. Daniel had actually seen and been around this dog before, so he wasn't unfamiliar. I feel badly for the family. What a horrible decision to have to make on Christmas Eve.

here's a picture:

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Little brother is okay, though he is on his way to the hospital. He was at a friend's house and got bit in the neck by their great dane. Apparently it took a chunk out and he needs medical attention...

Stinking nervous!

Ack! I'm freaking out about testing tomorrow! I'm so nervous that my "symptoms" are just coincidences again. It happens sometimes that my acid reflux acts up when I'm stressed, thus causing me to get sick to my tummy.

sorry, have to stop mid-post. LIttle bro is on his way to the hospital. not sure why....

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

We made it

We made it to Michigan yesterday afternoon. Surprisingly, overall drive time was 10 hrs 15 minutes! Oh the joy of spending the night! It makes things so much easier! We only stopped once on sunday (in addition to the hotel), and we didn't stop at all yesterday.

We had the extra motivation of the frigid cold awaiting us outside if we did decide to get out of the car. I think we may have decided to stop a few more times if it wasn't for the 1 degree temperature reading on our car's thermometer. (burr!) It was wicked cold! When we stopped at the hotel, the wind was blowing like crazy and the thermometer said 1 degree. Eric tried to take a picture of it, but our camera batteries were dead. Of course, our coats (the kids and mine) were packed way underneath everything in the trunk, so we had to make due with some blankets to cover up for the run into the hotel. We survived.

Today's agenda includes going to the store to buy diapers (Austin has diarrhea from his antibiotic. *sigh*) and a sled. Then, hopefully sledding! I'd really rather send the children with my parents or my brother, have them video tape it, and watch it on the couch drinking hot coffee or cocoa. But, alas, we'll be going, too. Minus snow pants and boots- I may come back with less toes than I started with.


In TTC news, my temperature spiked today. Its hard to know if its because I'm at a new place, with different heat settings or what. If anything, though, I was expecting a lower temperature because we're staying in the basement. Its pretty cold down there.

I'm still shooting for a Christmas day testing...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

More pictures

We leave today after church to make our drive to Michigan. Wish us luck!
But, before we leave, here are some more pictures from yesterday.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


I sit here typing in my "happy place." I just downloaded the Twilight Soundtrack to my brand new MP3 player that my awesome husband bought me for Christmas. I'm in my happy place- listening to my new music, reminded of my favorite book series to date.

I'm glad I've found a happy place today. I did end up testing (after about 15 minutes of laying in bed praying about it, oddly enough.) It was negative. I was certainly bummed. There's always that little bit in the back of my head that thinks that dreams are somehow correlative to reality. Unfortunately, they weren't this time.

I still managed to have a happy and fulfilled day. We spent the morning with my ILs doing our Christmas before we leave for Michigan. The kids had a blast, everyone loved their gifts (I think there's only 1 return this year out of all of us! a shocking first!) and we had a delicious breakfast and lunch. Until this very moment that I sit here typing, I never once thought of the baby that we should have with us, opening his/her gifts, clapping their little hands in celebration. Even though I *did* end up thinking of it, I'm glad I'm able to escape to the music in my head (via headphones). I'm escaping to my happy place.

some pictures from today:

Friday, December 19, 2008

To test or not to test

I'm debating on whether or not I should test tomorrow morning. I had that dream this month that I took a test 10 dpo and it came back blaring positive. That day would be tomorrow. I had another dream a few days ago that I took two tests and they were both positive.

I don't want to waste a test, but I almost want to test tomorrow because of my dream. I don't know what to do....


That's how I felt last night. You know when you think you're giving someone a really great gift, you get all excited about giving it to them. You think you are doing such a cool thing, they;re going to love it, etc. Then they end up giving you a gift that is about 10 times BETTER than you gave? you end up feeling like a schmuck, but then feel really blessed. Do you know the feeling?

Well, I took some of Olivia's unused old clothes (or ones that still don't fit in the waist) to a friend. She has to little kids, 10 mths apart (that, alone, makes me feel blessed that mine are only 16 mths apart instead of 10) A little girl who is almost 2, and a little boy who is 1. I thought I was being nice, giving some things that I was going to keep for the next child. Cute things. A new pair of jeans that Olivia will probably never fit into in the waist before she outgrows the length, jammies that she's still wears but just barely fits, etc. Anyway, I was just giving her what I COULD give, since Olivia is in the same size as her almost-2-year old.

I was feeling like I was going to bless her with these clothes. Little did I know that I was going to get an even bigger blessing. Turns out, her and her husband are finished having children. They were looking to get rid of some car seats, strollers, swings, bouncy seats, etc. they basically had two of everything- since her oldest was still a baby when the second came along. We got to talking and she offered me her stroller/car seat combo. (I mentioned that we had to get rid of our car seat because it expired and the stroller had long been recalled and was now scrap parts somewhere) I thought it was going to be older, used, perhaps by someone other than her. But, we don't have it and I thought "what they hey" and said we'd take it.

Well, I was blessed. Its less than 2 yrs old. A Graco, and is really uber cool colors (teal-ish blue and brown!) It looks brand new, hardly used at all. The entire drive home I just couldn't get over the feeling of being loved. By her and by God. Just feeling like maybe I would someday actually have a baby to put in this car seat sitting beside me. I started to feel a little hope that things would work out okay. I'm loved.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Another dream

I've been absorbing myself in Twilight so much lately that my dreams have mostly consisted of vampire stuff. However, last night, I had another dream about taking pregnancy tests. In my dream, there was a II test that was blue and one that was pink. Both were positive.

Hopefully my subconscious knows something I don't.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My charts

There have been a few requests about posting my chart link. Here it is!

I'll have to figure out a way to permanently post it, I suppose. But, this will have to do for now.

Things are rather quiet on the TTC front I suppose. Just waiting. Always a ton of fun doing that. I called the RE yesterday to figure out what to do in either situation while I'm away (either starting my period or getting that lovely positive test!) I actually was surprised by the answer. Apparently, my RE doesn't let you take Clomid or any other medication until they have done a baseline scan and blood work-up. Every month. It seems so weird to me. Most of my friends who have taken fertility medication didn't have ANY monitoring. So if I DO start my period, I'm praying it isn't until Christmas day or later. I can only start the medication as late as cycle day 5. Which, if I start on Christmas or before, it will be too late by the time we get back. Grrrr. So frustrating. The nurse warned me NOT to take the medication on the sly, either. She said that the dr. would not be very happy. (Not that I was thinking that....not at all....)

It always seems, no matter how hard I try to KISS (keep it simple, stupid!) the month of December, it always is crazy. I feel like there's a never-ending to-do list. One that just keeps getting longer and longer and longer. I even pass on the things I don't "have to" do and try to just focus on my things that I DO have to do. It doesn't help that Eric's birthday is so conveniently positioned so close to Christmas. I mean, who doesn't want to take a break making Christmas goodies for preschool teachers, friends, neighbors, relatives, etc to bake birthday goodies? I mean, no one can really ever get enough baking. (well, the sampling is good, I suppose...)

In keeping with my craziness, I have reserved today as official "packing day" for our trip to Michigan. We aren't actually leaving until Sunday, but today is my only "free" day before then. Crazy, right? Here's a list of things we have to do BEFORE we leave!

  • Pack for our trip
  • occupy the children
  • hair cuts for 3 members of the household
  • occupy the children
  • find business card for hairdresser to schedule said hair cuts
  • occupy the children
  • Take Olivia to ballet and tap
  • occupy the children
  • take Olivia on a play date (which, hopefully, will someday lead to me dropping her off for a play date instead of me staying with her. So, totally worth it!)
  • occupy the children
  • Keep the kids out of the Christmas presents
  • occupy the children
  • do the dishes
  • occupy the children
  • do the laundry
  • occupy the children
  • change the bedsheets
  • occupy the children
  • Get a few final cards out in the mail
  • occupy the children
  • get groceries for our trip

Well, I'm making my list, and checking it twice!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Happy 28!

Yesterday was E's 28th birthday. Its insane that I can clearly remember his 18th birthday. Its a VERY vivid memory, actually. His 18th birthday was his first birthday that we celebrated together. (we started dating in March....) It seems weird to me that he's (only him, not me! lol) a whole 10 years older than that memory.

We used to think that turning 30 was going to be hard because that was "old". However, as he (that's right, not WE) gets closer, we've decided that maybe 40 will be hard because that will be "old". We were just mistaken about 30 being old. We were missing perspective.

Anyway, we had a lovely day. We went out to eat at Logans. The kids were wonderful, which was a shock to us all. They must have consciously tried to be good for Eric's birthday dinner. :) We came home and did presents, then had birthday bread. What's birthday bread you ask? Its a bread that Eric wanted me to make in place of birthday cake: pumpkin cheesecake swirl bread. Its impossibly complicated, takes forever to prepare and cook, is expensive, and only makes an appearance about once a year- right around now.

With out further explanation- here it is:

Monday, December 15, 2008

Stupid FF

I think something's seriously messed up with Fertility Friend. They have me ovulating on CD 17. I definitely think I o'd on cd 15 or 16. I am not sure why they are forcing my O date. I normally agree 100% with their dates. Not this time around. *sigh* Oh well. It doesn't really change too much. It would just make Christmas day a more reliable test date.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Totally loving this song

Yesterday, as I searched for over an hour trying to find the perfect new ring tone, I came across this song. Its in one of the final scenes of the movie Twilight. (no, I didn't use this as my ringer.... only because I couldn't find it. ) I'm completely in love with this song. I'm not sure why. That scene was okay in the movie, but I just love the way it flows and sounds. *sigh*

Here's the one I uploaded as my ring tone. Only the guitar part. I tried to get the part with the words, but they came out all jumbled on my phone....

I know, Twilight is a sickness...

shoot up!

My temperature definitely shot up today. Yay! Now comes the waiting. I'm always super good at that (read the sarcasm there!) Unfortunately, since I ovulated a little later than they thought I would, I will be taking those darn pee sticks WITH me to Michigan. Maybe I'll actually wait to take them on Christmas. (yes, you read the plural right: them. ) That would put me somewhere around 15 days past ovulation. Ha! Never mind. As I sit here and type that I KNOW I can't actually wait that long. (hey, at least I'm admitting my shortcomings!)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Today is hopefull

I've been having ovulation type pains today. Yay! However, they are pretty darn strong. On both sides!!! Can be good and bad I suppose. Good, since the odds of one getting fertilized is doubled...

However, I'm now pretty bummed that i didn't ovulate a few days ago. Now, I'll have to take the pregnancy tests with me to Michigan. Maybe it'll keep me from taking so many, or taking them to early. Maybe....

Other news: Austin seems to have recovered from his stomach bug, as did Eric. Eric actually missed 2 days of work. That's almost unheard of around here. He was going to go back to work yesterday afternoon. However, I came home from Costco and mentioned that he looked a little like a vampire (very pale and purple circles under his eyes) and he decided that he should wait until today to go in. No reason to scare his employers or employees. (now I am calling him MY Edward. lol)

I finished Breaking Dawn again last night. Gosh, I love that book. I think this time around, its my favorite of the bunch (Eclipse was my favorite the first time.) The last two pages of that book are divine! I think I reread them 4 or 5 times. *sigh* Now, I have to decide if I'm going to start a new book, or reread them again. lol. I probably should branch out a little bit. I've been dreaming of vampires too much lately. Maybe I'll shoot for a mystery or something...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I hate OPKs

Why is it that only name brand OPKs ever seem to work for me? Its so frustrating! Me, Queen of off-brand-find-a-deal, HAS to use a name brand. I hate it! I mean, I don't mind using name brand spaghetti sauce- because its only 20 cents more. But, danggit, these tests are like $5 more!!

As I'm sure you have guessed, I decided to give the cheapies a try again. Not internet cheapies, but some from publix. They were way cheaper and came with a pregnancy test. They take forever for lines to even appear. The first one I took, I actually thought I was going to have to pee on it again!!! Plus, I can't see a lightening or darkening of the lines at all. They all look the same! *sigh*

As of right now- no positive OPK. Though, i feel like something may be starting. I thought with my follicle size that I would ovulate sometime this weekend, or monday. That was the dr.'s guess, too. However, I'm pretty darn sure that I'll at least have some O pains. I had some wicked ones with Femara, so I'm sure I'll have at least SOMETHING with Clomid.

In other news, the pukies are going around our house. Which makes doing our homework well, a little harder to complete. Austin seems to be feeling okay this morning. A little grumpy. I'm just hoping to keep it to Eric and Austin. I really don't want to get it. I dont' get sick days.

I should keep pretty busy the next few days. I have several tutus to make, some baby legs to sew, and some shopping for the said items. Yay for preschool day tomorrow!

Friday, December 5, 2008


I forgot to add about my strange dream last night. Some of you might appreciate this. :)

I had a dream that I took a pregnancy test 10 days past ovulation. It was not only positive, but it was BLARING positive.

The other funny thing in my dream was that it was 5 tests in one. *giggle* You could click it like a pen and it would change into a digital test, then a +/- , then a II test.

2 Follicles

Woot! I have two follicles ready! A 13mm one on my right side and a 15mm one on my left. The RE thinks that I should ovulate sometime this weekend. He said the twin chances DO go up now that I have 2 mature follies. Shhhh. We won't tell Eric. :)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Day 9

So- its been a rough few days. I don't know if its the Clomid, my parents visit, or my obsession with the Twilight series, but I've been extremely irritable. It sucks. Its not who I am, even during my period, but it seems to creep up so much in the last few days.

I have literally NO patience. In fact, I threw a hissy fit because O emtpied her cotton balls out onto the floor and took them apart. It was part of a school project, where you put a cotton ball on Santa's beard every day... Anyway, I was upset because we wouldn't be able to do the project together now since she ruined the cotton balls. Then I listened to myself. I was upset over cotton balls. Sheesh.

I guess the nice thing about the Twilight series is that I've been engrossed in that instead of ttc. Takes a little bit of pressure off. I'm in another world when I'm reading those books, and its nice to be out of reality for a bit... (Of course, now I'm rereading the series. back on book 2. I've only had the books a week tomorrow. :) ) Its nice to not always obsess about pee sticks or temperatures...

I suppose at some time this week I WILL have to think about ttc. Especially since we'll have homework to start. I go in on friday, December 5, for a follicle check. I did a clomid calculator and it said to expect ovulation between 12/6-12/11. I have a feeling it will be earlier rather than later. A lot is going on in there.... I can feel it. lol. We're starting homework tomorrow. Just in case. Of course, the books help in that area, too. <3 Nothing like thinking about Edward to get me in the mood. hehe