I have to say

I'm so thankful that I can go to God and share my feelings and thoughts with him. Because, right now, in this moment, I'm scared. For no other reason than my history and for fear itself. Instead of wallowing in that fear, thinking of all of the things that could happen, I am taking it to Him. I'm giving it to Him. Asking for joy instead.

I'm so thankful that He is here to listen.

Our weekend, Part II

So, on Sunday, we headed straight to the aquarium. Unlike many of the tourists, we did NOT stop at every exhibit to take pictures, that would most likely not turn out, of fish. It was too dark to take many pictures of the kids as well. Oh well. Really, we have a lot of aquarium pictures from the one in Chattanooga. Apart from the shark exhibit at the GA one, they could pass for the same thing. :)

Sunday after the aquarium, we went back for quiet time. Up for dinner, then back for swimming. Very nice. I just mainly sat with my feet hanging over in the hot tub. The hotel pool was an indoor/outdoor pool. With it being rather chilly last weekend, it was a tad to cold for me. (I know I'm from Michigan, but really- at heart- I'm a southern gal.)

Monday morning, we hit the Atlanta zoo. We were a little leery of how "good" the zoo was going to be. The tickets were rather pricey (especially considering the Birmingham zoo has 1/2 price tickets on tuesdays. making it a whopping $8) and the reviews we had read said that it wasn't worth it. However, we thought it was a wonderful zoo! The weather was perfect. On the cooler side, not much sun, not much rain. A lot of the animals were out- and ACTIVE!

My little lion

Brushing the goats

It did rain for a few minutes. We were not to be deterred. Everyone had umbrellas.


I just have to share a quick funny that A said. This zoo has pandas. Red pandas and regular pandas. We saw the red panda's first, then moved on. When we came to the panda's, Austin said "Mommy, look! Its a kung-fo panda!"

After the zoo, we decided to try a place called Atlanta Underground. An underground shopping center. It sound like a neat place, in theory. In reality, it was kind of a scary place. I mean, I always love to get hit up for money by random people. Really, I do. But, this was a tad excessive. During the course of our 30 minute lunch, at least 5 people asked us for money. One of them was asking for us to buy him a soda to go with his lunch! (Um, we're too cheap to even buy US soda.... drink water.)

We decided to call it a trip after our lunch experience. We headed home. The way home from Atlanta is not paved in highways. Most of the trip takes place on back roads. Which, in my opinion, is more interesting to look at. When we were about 1.5 hours away from home, I saw a sign for De Soto park. I looked quickly on our GPS and saw that it was only 5 miles out of our way. I'd heard good things about the falls, so we decided to make a short detour.

Turns out, this detour was really worth it!

While we were there, we saw two guys speed down a rope into the water next to the falls. Very neat!

All of us looking at the crazy men! Oh, and tightly holding onto the babes. There was such a measly "rail" that I was scared to death of them falling through.

The kids played in the water for a few minutes before we left for home.

The crazy men.

Well, drat. I just realized I don't have a picture of the actual water fall. I'll have to dig one up. :)

Our weekend, part I

Well, as you know, we spent the majority of the holiday weekend in Atlanta. We had a wonderful time, even though I was pretty sick through parts of it (it honestly could have been worse, though. Thank goodness for zofran!)

Saturday morning, we got an early start (which is not hard to do with our children) and arrived at the Bicentennial park around 11. We walked around, had lunch at the fountain (yes, we packed a picnic) and found a really neat playground for the kids. The adults joked that we could make this trip very inexpensive if the kids were this happy with just a picnic lunch at the fountain and a playground.

After we hit the playground, we decided to check out the Coca cola area. We wanted to do the tour. However, there was a 30 minute wait just to get in, then the tour was 1.5 hours. It was already 2 pm and we didn't think it wise to push our luck. They were behaving beautifully at that moment in time, but who knew what 2 hours would bring. Instead, we played in the field for a bit and let the kids dance to the music.

After that fun, we headed to the hotel to have some quiet time. Which ended up not being very quiet for the kids... Oh well. We rounded up our first day with some quality time at Ikea. Every girls dream.

Stay tuned for more pictures tomorrow! I don't have the energy to figure out the silly way blogger uploads pictures. Its fine for one round, but two is another story. lol.

Didn't your momma teach you?

I'd just like to take a minute and address something. This is MY blog. I can post whatever I want, whenever I want, and about whoever I want. This is MY blog.


This is MY blog. This is MY place to vent, grieve, rant, gloat, or talk about nothing. If I want to complain about the fact that my grass is dying in my back yard, I can! I don't care if people around the country would kill for my little bit of grass. If I want to complain about MY yard on MY blog, than I will! If I want to complain about my children, then I will! If I want to complain about the price of beans in China, then I will!

I'm having a lot of pregnancy symptoms right now, but I refrain from complaining about this at all because I feel so blessed to be this far into my pregnancy. However, if I wanted to, I could, because this is MY blog. Mine, mine, MINE!


And, guess what! Even though I'm pregnant, I still HURT! God is healing me, but I still have deep wounds from my losses. I don't care how many children I go onto have, I'll always miss the ones that passed too soon. They'll always have a place in my heart, and I'm sure that I will never completely heal. So, yeah, I do vent sometimes about my pain. I vent because I'm a real person. A person with wounds, pains, and hurts. A viable pregnancy doesn't change that. Two live children don't change the fact that I miss my lost babies. Two children and a pregnancy doesn't change the embarrassment I feel because my body doesn't work like everyone else's.

There are people out there like me. Ones who have children who have lost babies. They hurt. They grieve. I want them to know that they are not alone. Its okay to hurt, okay to grieve, okay to be angry, okay to question God.

If you don't like it, feel free to leave.

If you don't leave, I'd just like to remind you: If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all.

I'll never be the same again

Today was a busy day. A weird day. Full of mixed emotions.

Emotion 1: Elation. As you might have guessed, I had another u/s today. Everything looks wonderful! The baby was actually measuring ahead! (woot woot!) Apparently, my uterus is 4xs the size of a first time mother's at this stage. Dr. H said its due to all of my other pregnancies. No wonder I already feel the need for maternity pants! The heart rate was 158, which is fabulous! The baby has grown a ton since last Monday which impressed the dr. a lot! So much so, that they released me to my OB.

Emotion 2: Leary. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to my OB. I love her dearly, (even though I'll probably end up switching in the end so I can have a more natural child birth...) but its so nice at the RE's office. Its like a paradise of dr.'s offices. I have never waited more than 5 minutes. Today's wait time was about 2. Its in, out, every one's nice, friendly, and seems to care about you. Its not uncommon to wait an hour, sometimes two, at the OB. But, despite my hesitation, I called. It was quite funny because the scheduling lady asked for my LMP and I told her "I'm under strict advice from Dr. H to just tell you that I am 8 weeks." She laughed and said that was fine- apparently they get that a lot from their office.

Emotion #3: Hurt. Some dear friends of mine (we've been friends since Olivia was about 8 weeks old) took me out for ice cream tonight for my upcoming birthday. I took a double dose of my zofran (ok'd by Dr. H, if you're wondering) and met my friends at Maggie Moo's. One of those friends lost a baby around the same time that I lost mine in October of last year. This particular friend shared that she is pregnant again. Thirteen weeks along. They found out yesterday its a girl.

I have to admit, my first reaction was not joy or elation. It was hurt. Then confusion as to why I was hurt. What do I care anymore? I'm pregnant, I have a beautiful living being in my uterus. Why should it still hurt me to hear of other's pregnancies?

On the way I realized several things. The thing that was bothering me at the moment was that I have lost almost all luxury of "surprising" people. I realize that I publicly share on my blog, (which is something I felt called to share with my in-real-life friends. remember this post?) But, I also shared with a few select friends via phone calls (the friends I went out with tonight). I've shared almost every pregnancy with them because I know that I'm going to 1. share with them if I loose another baby 2.want them to pray for me and 3. get questions about how the cycle is going at the RE's office (really, when friends know you're going to an RE, there's no secrecy!)

When I really reflected on it, I wasn't hurt just because I couldn't surprise people. I realized tonight that, despite being pregnant with a healthy baby, I'll never be the same person I was before all of our losses. I can never enjoy a pregnancy in quite the same way I did before. I can never take for granted that this baby will be born alive and healthy. I can never walk into a doctor appointment with sheer excitement. I will never be able to walk into an OB appointment with out fear in the pit of my stomach.

I will never be the same again.

Just as those babies stretched out my uterus, leaving a permanent physical mark, loosing those precious babies has left a mark on my soul.

As I sat here to type this entry, I was reminded of a song that I used to listen to when I lived at home. It reminds me that change isn't always bad. I'm more mature, more involved in my pregnancies and my chidlren's lives. I've come to realize a lot of new things about God and life in general.

Even though my journey is not over and has been long, and full of hurt and loss, I'm convinced that God will use me. Some day, he'll use my circumstances to touch some one's life.

Lord, whatever you need to do, do in me.


I'll never be the same again
Hillsong

I will never be the same again,
I can never return, I've closed the door.
I will walk apart,
I'll run the race
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

There are higher heights,
there are deeper seas,
Whatever you need to do,
Lord do in me.
The Glory of God fills my life,
And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire,
soak like rain,
Flow like mighty waters,
again and again.
Sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff,
And let a flame burn to glorify Your name.

I will never be the same again,
I can never return,
I've closed the door.
I will walk the path,
I will run the race
And I will never be the same again.

baby bean

Old McDonald- recital dance

Here's my baby girl on rehersal day. I was in the front row for that performance, too. Unfortunately, she did much better on recital day. However, video cameras were not allowed (so they can charge $50 a dvd) for that performance.

I'm also bummed that her hat was so low. I couldn't see her face. :( Don't even get me started on the hats... Its a touchy subject for me.

Recital day

After about an hour in the bathroom, curling hair, doing makeup, and putting on tights, here we are getting ready to leave for dance recital. I should add that I curled those little strands of hair over and over and over, with lots of added hair spray. Unfortunately, the child has my hair texture. Pin-straight. The curl lasted all of 1 hr. Maybe. Oh well, I got some cute pictures of her with it done up.

This last picture was taken at the recital. We sat in the front row, since the only other seats that were available were way in the back. Plus, the front row seats were on the side that O was standing. It may have been a tad loud...

Not much to say

except- I'm 7 weeks today!


Hallelujah!

Crazy weekend!

To say we have a busy weekend is an understatement. Its crazy, hectic, chaotic. Things are going on every day of the remainder of this week (and last night as well!) We have the kids school program tonight, O's dress rehersal for ballet tomorrow, recital on saturday, church and a training and a birthday party and an open house on sunday.

When we get to busy, I get stressed. When I get stressed, I get crabby. Add morning sickness (or all freaking day sickness!) to the mix and momma hasn't been the most fun to be around. I'm just so glad that our lives are not always like this. I am pleased with the fact that this craziness is just temporary. Just for a few more days.

E and I like to have a more calm and relaxed life-style. No more than 1 activity at a time for the kids. Only a few commitments in the evenings for us here and there. We have lots of family time in the evenings. Its nice. I like it.


So, I power through our business. Trying to make it to the other side. It'll be a fun weekend, don't get me wrong. The kids will enjoy it! I just may need a weekend to recover from my weekend.

Music to my ears

In case you don't know what you're looking at- its our baby's heartbeat. Isn't it pretty? Know what's even better than looking at it? Listening to it! At first, Dr. H said that we should only be able to see the heart flicker. That we shouldn't expect to hear it. He tried to get it with the Doppler, and we DID hear it. At first, I thought it was my heart. Dr. H said that he thought it was the baby's. He measure the rate, and sure enough it was!

I won't get into everything else we talked about. Mainly because I can't stomach sitting up for very long periods. I'm trying to be thankful for my ever present morning sickness, but its a struggle to be so sick and raise two kids (and nanny for a third). We do go back in next thursday for another ultrasound.

Thank you, Jesus, for my beautiful baby. Thank you that the heart is beating and that he/she is alive! Thank you for my whole body pregnancy symptoms! Amen!



Here's the little peanut again.

I just have to say

I love my husband.

Happy anniversary, babe. I love you!

(oh, and thanks for giving in and buying me a fridge with an ice maker that can crush ice. yes, I know we decided that over a year ago. Yes, I know that's how old our fridge is. But, since crushed ice is about the only thing I can stomach right now- its a God send!)

A picture makes it real

I don't know what it is, but I can't stop looking at my ultrasound from yesterday. I realize that there's not an embryo visible, yet. But, looking at my tiny little gestational sac and yolk sac make it so much more real to me.

The reason is this: With all of my miscarriages, I never made it to an ultrasound, never saw my baby on the screen, never saw any sacs, never saw any physical evidence that my babies existed. I remember feeling weird that I had kept my old pregnancy tests (one from each m/c baby). But, it was my only "proof" that I was pregnant. It was my only physical element for me to say "I had a baby inside of my womb".

So, this gestational sac and yolk sac on my ultrasound is just beautiful. It may not be what the dr.'s want it to be right now, but its a sight for sore eyes. Regardless of what happens, I'll have this picture to hold onto. I'll have this tiny glimpse of my baby.

For that, I'm so thankful.

More questions than answers

Well, I was fully prepared for two scenarios this morning at my ultrasound.

1. Everything would look great. We'd come back at 8 weeks for another scan.
2. Things wouldn't look good and we'd go home and grieve.

What I wasn't prepared for was: more questions than answers. First of all, I should mention that Dr. H's office is calling me 5w 5d pregnant, and not the 5w 2d (or 3d) pregnant that I calculated. He said their office doesn't go by Last Menstrual Period. He said that they go by your LH surge. Since they know exactly when that was (since I took the trigger and did all of that blood work) they put me at that date.

Dr. H said that between 5.5 weeks and 6 weeks, they expect to see a gestational sac, a yolk sac, and a fetal pole. They saw the first two, which measure right on at 5w 5d, but not the last. See, this stuff developes with in days. So, it could be that we are just a day early. OR, it could mean that the baby is not growing appropriately.

Here's the game plan. We wait. (I've mentioned how NOT patient I am, right?) I had blood work done today to see if my numbers have risen at all since my last draw. If they have, then we wait again until monday to do another scan. if they dropped, well, I'm sure you know the conclusion there.

Just when I thought I was having an "easier" pregnancy this time around. I've just been brought back to my knees, begging God to keep my baby safe.

Before I leave you with too much gloom, I'd just like to take a moment to say this: Since having my children, this is the FIRST ultrasound I have made it to. It still feels like a miracle. Even though I didn't hear a beating heart, and there was no fetal pole, I saw my baby on that screen. Its itty bitty body being formed in my womb. God knows all about my baby right now. He knows if its going to make it, he knows if its a girl or boy, and he knows this child by name. He has formed it in my womb.

Here's a picture of my miracle.

less than 24 hours

until my ultrasound.

Not that I'm counting or anything. No, that would be a little too obsessive. To sit, look at the clock, and calculate in my head how many hours I have to go until I can get an early peak at my baby.

Nope, I wasn't thinking that.

But, I'll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking that this is the most pregnant I've been since Austin's pregnancy. Two other times I made it this far. Two other times I made it to the first ultrasound. Two other times I brought home a baby from those pregnancies.

Sure, I know its still early. Sure, I know that something could still happen. Sure, I'm still nervous, and panicky, and neurotic about pee sticks and temperatures. But, for me, for MY body, this is a miracle!

So miraculous that I actually pulled down some maternity clothes from the attic. I sorted through some and put some of the smaller stuff in the wash (yes, I'm already struggling in my clothes. Yes, I realize that its not the baby, yet. Yes, its just bloating.) I haven't been that hopeful since...well, my loss in July of 07.

Wow. Its a miracle.

Just for comparison's sake

Let me show you the darkest lines I have gotten on pregnancy tests since Austin's birth (obviously this pregnancy is not included!)

My August m/c test- darkest it got

January m/c test

Today's: it looks SO much better than those other ones, doesn't it?
Oh, and its pretty neat when your positive line turns pink before the control line.
Happy 5 weeks to me!

No time

I feel like this last week has gone by really fast (except, of course, the moments in which I was waiting for test results. then it was crawling by!) I haven't had a chance to fill you in on the latest news on my blog. I've twittered a tad more, but haven't had the time to sit down and blog about it all.

Thursday I started to get a little panicky about waiting until monday for my next blood draw. Silly me decided to look at my charts of previous pregnancies and see when it started to go sour. It was basically that third blood draw when the poop hit the fan. So, I decided to call Dr. H and ask if I could come in on friday morning.

Thursday evening, after E got home, I settled down a little. Friday morning, though, was more of the same. I didn't want to call again, and seem like the crazy miscarriage lady, so I just went about my morning. Dr. H's office called around 8:30 and said I could come in at 9:45. (Can I just say that I love them!) I got my results the same day, like usual.

My hcg was at 1658, progesterone still at 20. Hurray! For review my numbers were:
14 days past ovulation: hcg 210
16 days past ovulation: hcg 600
18 days past ovulation: hcg 1658

for those of you who don't know a lot about hcg numbers (and who haven't read my other blog post about hcg numbers) its just supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Mine doubled in 32. yay!

The other exciting thing is that they went ahead and scheduled me for my first ultrasound. I thought I was going to have to wait until next week, when I'll be 6 weeks. The nurse said that we may not be able to hear a heart beat. However, she said that "we'll be able to see what we need to see". I'll go back again at 8 weeks for another ultrasound.

I can't believe I've made it far enough to schedule an ultrasound. Granted, I haven't made it past the 5 week mark, yet (that's on monday). But, things are looking very promising.

Praise God!

Almost famous

With all of the other excitement going on, I forgot to share our son's new found stardom.


If you go here, you can see A as an astronaut. He was filming his own "moon story", which was a dvd with him jumping on the "moon" (that's why he's in front of the green screen.)








Our little star's face has so far appeared:

• in the paper
• on the paper's website
• on a baby product package (baby dipper, if you're curious)
• a local magazine

He's far surpassed where I was at his age. :)