A dripping wife?

It comes as no surprise, I'm sure, to hear that I've been having a hard time this past month (or the past year and a half). I have a lot more bad days than I used to. Most of them due to my mind set, and not the circumstances of my actual day.

Those bad days, almost always, come to a head right around 4:30ish. Right when my unsuspecting husband tends to walk through the door. I have been really trying to contain my frustration during the day with my children. Trying to be a good mother. But, there's always that build up, needing to escape. Often times, escaping on my husband.

Sure, he's not perfect. He doesn't call when he's running late, he doesn't call just to say "I love you", and he tends to be a tad clueless about emotional stuff. But, he's still a great husband. He works hard at work, and rarely brings it home. He's an amazing father. In fact, a better father than I am a mother. He loves our kids, and sets up mini safari's in our room with jungle animals and lets the kids play with our $300 camera to take pictures of the event. He watches CSI with me, even though he hates how unbelievable it is. He lets me have $5 a week from our budget just for my favorite coffee place. He's a great guy.

When he left for work today (at 5:50 am- he likes to get home early so he can spend more time with the kids) I couldn't sleep due to the rain. When it rains hard, it drips really loudly into downspout from the gutter. Its quite annoying.

Since I was awake with out children, (which is really rare, which you know if you know my children at all...) I decided to read my bible for a few minutes. I like to read a chapter of Proverbs every day, (if I can and if I remember) the one that coincides with what day of the month it is. Since there are 31 chapters, its perfect for monthly readings. Almost always there is one verse that sticks out to me. Drives home a point.

Today was, obviously, chapter 27. The verse- 15.

15 A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day

Yikes. Remember that dripping that was keeping me awake? Very loud, very annoying. Not a fun noise at all.

I go onto read in my study bible, and it talks about how constant dripping is sometimes used as a torture tactic. Torture?? Wow. Did that ever speak to me. Especially since my words to E this morning were not of the nicest nature (but, for my credit, he was putting his ice cold hands on my warm legs- trying to make a move while I was sleeping...)

I could go into more deep thoughts, but I'll leave it with this: I'm praying that God will help me in my attitude towards my husband on my bad days. Let me be sunshine, not a dripping wife.

A negative is a negative

no falsies here. Apparently, Aunt Flow decided to grace me with her presence earlier than normal. Much earlier.

This is craptastic. Only 12 days past ovulation again. Not good. Not good at all. Not to mention that only puts my cycle at 27 days. Which would be fine if I ovulated EARLIER!

Grrrrr!


and- for giggles, I like that blogger's spell check keeps yelling yellow highlights at me to fix "craptastic" during spell check.

Moving on

I debated on sharing part of my life today. But, in all honesty, its not like I hide anything well. I might as well tell now, since I'll probably tell tomorrow or some other day.

I caved. I took a pregnancy test today. (Wait, wait! Before you get your hopes up, it was negative.) See, here's the thing. I promised myself I would wait. I would wait until my period was actually due, instead of testing early. Sure, I've gotten positives with every single other pregnancy 12 days past ovulation. Today is twelve days past ovulation. But, I told myself: just wait.

Did I? I made it about half way through the day. I stayed strong this morning. But, after putting the kids down for naps, I gave in. I thought "well, I'll want to start the shots right away if I am pregnant". Its amazing how I break promises to myself. A lot.

I guess its time to move on, though. Seeing as those tests are so sensitive, I highly doubt that it was a false negative. Pretty sure that my period will be right on time.

I'm trying not to get down. Its only been few weeks since my last miscarriage, but I was still secretly hoping...

today

Reasons why I feel icky:

• I woke up at 4:30 a.m. (not by a child, either!)
• I came up with a really good idea, but I couldn't get the idea out of my head
• I couldn't go back to sleep
• I'm extremely hot for some reason
• I feel sick to my tummy
• I can't drink my coffee because I'm feeling nauseas and hot
• My children are screaming in time-out (and NOT for the first time today)

Reasons I am happy:

• Its Mother's Morning Out day!
• I'm hoping my nauseousness is the result of a pregnancy (and not just a tummy bug)
• I'm going to wrap O's birthday gifts today
• I'm almost finished tagging clothes for the consignment sale
• I made a pillow case dress in under 20 minutes yesterday (even though my machine has a mind of its own!)
• I just printed a free, (yes, FREE!) sub coupon from Quiznos
• I have an interview for a nanny position tomorrow evening- its for a 8 week old! (gotta get my baby fix in sometime...)

Verification?

Is it just me, or do these letters from our Alphabet cereal look like blogger's verification words?

Top left: a 'B', maybe?

Is that bottom left letter an 'R' or an 'A'?

E thinks I need to email POST and tell them that our Alphabets are illegible.

Maybe they should retake first grade handwritting...

Be patient

be patient, be patient
don't be in such a hurry.
when you are impatient,
you only start to worry.
remember, remember,
that God is patient, too.
And think of all the times,
when others have to wait on you!


I'm singing this song to myself: over and over again. Its 9 days past ovulation and I'm getting rather impatient. I'd really like to test. But, I won't. I promise. Today at least.

Silent (almost) Sunday: blessings in pictures

Following in my friend Devan's footsteps: my blessing in a picture:

Because its just too much work to sit up, and at the table, to eat.

This is the day that the Lord has made

For the past week I had been gearing up to face what I knew would be a very hard day. I've been praying a lot for peace. More than usual. Even though I knew it was coming, it still hurts.

The due date for my February baby is today.

I had sort of talked it through to myself last night. I would come downstairs, after the kids woke up, have some coffee, then start to sort through some grief. That, however, was not to be. Instead of the "prepared" grieving, I was surprised.

At exactly 6 am, my cell phone starting ringing a strange ring (which, by the way, is strange in and of itself. My phone hasn't been ringing at all lately.) I was thinking to myself "who's calling at 6 am?" I picked up my phone, flipped it open, and saw this:

Today's Scheduled Event: Baby Due

Apparently, 40ish weeks ago, (when I had a tad more hope and 3 less miscarriages) I thought it would be neat to look and see on my cell phone when the baby was due. I'm not sure what I was thinking about setting it to go off at 6 am, but maybe it was pregnancy brain? I'm also not sure why I needed a reminder. I'm pretty sure that if I was actually 40 weeks pregnant, I wouldn't NEED a reminder.

Even though it took me by surprise, I'm glad that it did. When E asked who it was, I told him about the reminder. He then crawled over to my side of the bed and just held me for a few minutes. I have to say, it was MUCH better than what I had planned- dealing with what today is with out him. (God must have known something I didn't...)


Even though today is a very sad day for me, especially with the sadness of our latest loss so fresh, I will rejoice that this is the day the Lord has made. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is the same God today, in my grief, that he was yesterday, or 3 years ago, in my joy. Thank you Lord, for this day. I will be glad in it!

Happy due date, my little February bean. I miss you like crazy. I can't wait to meet you in heaven some day. I love you!

:(

I found out today that a friend is miscarrying her baby. Its her first miscarriage.

I remember my first miscarriage. It was a horrible, horrible, experience. I was so shocked, overwhelmed, and hurt. We weren't planning for another child at the time and I had been freaking out a bit over the thought of another. So when I found out that I was loosing it, it felt almost hypocritical to be upset. But, I was. I then went through the whole "it was my fault" deal. What did I eat, drink, or ingest that caused this? (Apparently, this is a NORMAL reaction. My OB said that women blame themselves all of the time.)

Its one of those things that you think "happens to other people". Until it happens to YOU. You find yourself on the inside of a club you never knew anything about or wanted to join. Its quite a shock. I have to say, my first miscarriage knowing I was pregnant, was one of the hardest of the 6.

Luckily for my friend, recurring miscarriage is very rare (1-2% of women). More than likely, she'll go on to have another healthy pregnancy some time soon. In the meantime, I hope her heart heals quickly.

Just because I can

I was working through O's slide show last night, trying to find a certain video to throw in there (btw- we do have a contest winner. I'll post who it is on O's birthday) and I started feeling sad. I'm not sure if it was the nostalgia, or the thought of the possibility of not doing that again, or what. I realized that I WANT to be uncomfortable. I want to be huge. I want to be so very pregnant.

So, just because I can, I'm sharing pictures from about 4 years ago.

February 2005

2 weeks before O's birth: Chattanooga

37 weeks

excuse the Notre Dame sweatshirt

you can't be picky when you're

9 mths pregnant (go blue!)

Going to the hospital

Getting hooked up- my last picture pregnant with

O

Let it be

Last night O was asking what "A man" meant. Meaning, why do we pray, and then say "A Man". It took everything I had inside of me to not burst out laughing. O, in all her almost-four-year-oldness, thought that we were saying A Man because she's heard those two words before. A Man. Amen, isn't a word that "means" anything to her, yet.

So, I promptly tell her, through my silent chuckles, that we say "Amen" not "A Man". I fully expected that to be the end of that. Nope. She then says, "well, momma, what does A-MEN mean?"


My mind quickly reeled through files, knowing it had the answer in there somewhere. From high school bible class? Maybe a bible study? A Sunday morning sermon? Somewhere, I knew the answer.

"Let it be" That was the answer that I pulled out of some random file. So I told her, "It means let it be. You're agreeing that you want God to let it be, all of the things you prayed for." She stared at me. I simplified it a tad for her, struggling to find the right words for a little girl. I tried and tried again, but she still just stared at me.

Oh well. I was pretty darn proud of myself for evening remembering what Amen meant. lol. I think she understood the gist of it. I think she was mostly concerned why we say "A Man" after we pray. After I cleared that up, she was happy.

What does this have to do with the price of beans in Argentina? Or in relation to our TTC journey? Not much, except for the fact that E and I were discussing what to do next month when I go back to see Dr. H. I've just felt really impressed to NOT do fertility medications for a little while.

I understand the thoughts behind them: to get more eggs fertilized to get more chances for a healthy baby. But, I feel God calling me and telling me to just give it a break. One, I'm not convinced that the problem is Embryonic. Secondly, I feel like God is telling me to give him room to work. Thus far, I've liked my little sense of control. I can't really control much, so it makes me feel better to take a pill, OPK's, my temperature, etc just because that's stuff that I can control.

I'm not sure when it started, but I've just felt this tugging at my heart. God saying "give it to me. Give it all to me." So I am. Everything. I'm praying through it all, for peace mostly. But, I'm also praying that God will bless me with another living child. I'm saying "let it be."

Dots?

I was checking out cutest blog on the block, and found this super cute background. Know why I love it so much? It reminds me of the $4.75 dress I bought for O the other day at Gymboree. The dress is a tad more "fallish", but still very cute.

I'll be blogging more later today about some recent TTC stuff. But, for now: Happy Monday!

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I was thinking tonight, as I was coloring mermaids with Olivia, that I'm going to be 27 soon. 27? How, and when did that happen? I'm almost thirty (imagine me gasping here!) Not that thirty is the end-all and be-all of ages. But, I certainly thought that I'd be in a different place in my life.

Did you ever have to do those "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" essays or questions during interviews? I remember I had a journal entry once, in my English class, about where I saw myself in 10 years. (I was 17, so almost 10 years ago. ) Want to guess what it said? Married, living in a house, with a dog, and 4 kids. (Okay, I'm not entirely sure how I thought I'd convince E to get a dog back then. It took me an entire year of marriage to GET a dog, then a whole two years to finally give her away! Anyway, I digress..) Apparently I thought that we'd be popping babies out every year, which, until recently, was a possibility.

Its amazing how the life you have planned out for yourself doesn't always work out. I know that its a common theme, and I've blogged about it before, but it just hit me again tonight. While, I very well may have 4 earthly children by the time I'm 30, (which used to be my "end-age") its more likely that I won't. I may never have another living child.

But, back to the topic I started on, I often FEEL like I'm still this young teenager, mapping out my life. Reevaluating where I'll be in 10 years over and over again. Never certain of my path, never certain of life's twists and turns. Except I don't feel as confident (you know, that confident "I can do it!" attitude?) I can't even be certain of the day ahead of me. Much less the year, or 5, or 10.

And this is me putting my future, and my 10 year plan, into God's hands. Its yours, Lord. It always has been, but its taken me this long to finally let go. I surrender it to you.

Fabulous Friday

Here's a breakdown of my day today:

5:15 am- A wakes up, screaming as usual, and doesn't go back to sleep
5:45 am- A starts banging the door with his feet
6:00 am- I bring A into our bedroom, but not before he wakes up Olivia
6:15 am- A's into the dishwasher
6:30 am- A's into my computer stuff
7:00 am- A dumped oatmeal onto the table and is attempting to clean it up
7:15 am- A poops in diaper
7:30 am- A gets into my sewing stuff
7:45 am- A throws a fit because the baby Einstein movie won't work
8:00 am- Finish O's valentine's day dress
8:15 am- O throws a fit trying on said dress
8:30 am- O's finally dressed
9:00 am- Super Why is over, and A's back at it
9:15 am- A dumps E's cologne on the floor and all over himself- effectively making him smell like a magazine insert.
9:30 am- get kids shoes on and gets into the car
9:45 am- spill precious coffee in my car
10:00 am- arrive at mall to return electric blanket
10:15 am- find right place to return said blanket
10:17 am- blankets are sold out. back ordered until SPRING!
10:30 am- kids go bonkers in Children's Place
10:45 am- O goes with g-ma, A stays with me. We go to the "tv store" to look for a birthday dress for O (since she doesn't like the tutu dress I made her because "its black, and black is for boys")
10:46 am- A's whining...non-freaking-stop.
11:00 am- purchase dress for O (for $4.75!) and head toward play center
11:30 am- leave play center, head for car
11:31 am-deterred by $5 candles at Bath and Body works
11:40 am- purchase said candle for my own valentine's day gift from E (who told me to, then followed that up by saying "maybe you should see about finding your own card, too....)
11:45 am- freaking out because we're running late
11:50 am- get into car, head towards preschool
12:05 pm- notice A has fallen asleep in car. not good.
12:10 pm- late to kids' valentine's day party, O misses out on a goodie bag, but both kids get their fair share of treats.
12:35 pm- drop g-ma off at car, head home. hungry and tired.
12:45 pm- start naps
1:00 pm- still trying naps
1:30 pm- still trying naps
1:45 pm- O falls asleep
2:00 pm- give up on A, bring him to hang out with me
2:00 pm- A starts getting into my stuff...again.
2:30 pm- O has awaken and has been sneaking valentine's day candy
2:45 pm- A gets into my laundry basket, emptying my folded clothes onto the floor
3:00 pm- A gets into the gum in the junk drawer in the kitchen
3:15 pm- A gets into the valentine's day candy
3:30 pm- A eats chap stick
3:45 pm- A gets into dish soap
4:15 pm- A writes with red marker on couch
4:30 pm- E's officially late
4:31 pm- E finds red marker, and is pissed.

My first contest

So, here's the deal: I need a song for my slide-show for O's 4th birthday. I have been going through my current songs, and none are really "the one" that I want. I'm looking for just that right song.

Here are some details about my little girl:

• she's super girly
• loves princesses, princes, brides, etc
• is very picky
• loves to dance
• is small and petite
• loves all things pink

Any suggestions? The owner of the suggestion I pick will win something. Maybe a pair of baby legs...or maybe a bow or something.



Here's a picture to help you along.

The one where its 70 degrees in February

Gotta love Alabama winters.

In true Olivia fashion, she was complaining that

the wind was "too windy". She actually

started crying because her hair was in her eyes.

Eating a grahm cracker AND riding a bike. That's talent.

My favorite from the day:

I'm sick

feel sorry for me. :)

I'm totally kidding. We've been blessed so far this winter to have not had the plethora of illness that we had last year. So, I don't feel sorry for myself... Well, at least, I don't feel super sorry for myself.

Silent Sunday

Copying my friend Devan, just because she's cool like that. :)

So long babyhood! Hello tears!

Taking A's pacifier away has been on the agenda for a while. Since, oh, July. What is that, 7 months?

Here's a list of why we haven't yet.

• He finally sleeps well. After 2 years of crying every single nap and every single night, he doesn't! I'm scared to mess with that.

• He takes GOOD naps. Normally 2+ hours. I've heard that when kids this age drop the paci, they drop the nap.

• Its something to bribe him with, (if I'm desperate), at the RE. Believe it or not, its really, REALLY bad to have your CHILDREN crying at a fertility clinic. I always feel horrible... In comes the plug to save the day!

• This is possibly the biggest of them all: It is the last real "babyish" thing he has (minus the diapers....but, those I will feel no sadness parting with.)
  

I feel silly in saying this, but I think the biggest thing holding me back has been the last bullet. I actually cried a little this afternoon when I thought about never seeing his sweet face with that "choo-choo" in it (my little brother's term).

This past nap time could be the last time I ever give my child a pacifier. I certainly thought that we'd have another baby by now, or at least be pregnant. Its sad to think that this officially marks the end of A's babyhood. I am no longer a mother to any babies.

I have big-kids.

Here's my sweet A- a few weeks old

.

I'm pretty sure that pregnancy announcements should NOT be allowed.


Or maybe, no announcements that are legible to me. Write it in Chinese, Arabic, or code or something. Or spoken in pig latin.


Wait, no.


Not Ever.


Okay, maybe not ever. Maybe just until I can "announce" mine in another manner that doesn't start with "its probably not going to last, but...."



Until then, no announcements.

uh-oh

Um, I didn't realize how expensive contacts AND glasses are. Yikes. E is likely to have a heart attack when he comes home tonight.

Anyone want to have me over, say around 5:30?

I called it

That's right, folks, I called it. E doesn't like either one of his items from ON. Sheesh. Crazy boy. He tried the stuff on- the shirt looked really nice (and I told him that!) and the pants were, well, a little short. So, I'll give him a veto on the pants with out a fuss. The shirt, however, is NOT okay to veto. Its a "waffle knit" yellow and grey shirt. I think it looks pretty darn nice, (and its a the snug-fitting kind, which I love!!!!) but he seems to think its too young for him. Does he mean that its from 2009 instead of 1999? If so, then, YES, it is younger than the rest of your clothes.

The jogger is assembled and waiting for its first trip around the block. Meanwhile, I'm waiting for warmer weather. The jogger is absolutely beautiful compared to our old one, (I'll have to take a picture later today with them side by side) and has a swivel wheel! Yes, a SWIVEL wheel! That means no more picking the stroller up to make turns. Our neighborhood isn't very "straight" so that will be extremely helpful! The only thing that seems to be a bummer is the MP3 speaker. I read some reviews that said it wasn't very loud, so I was expecting poor quality sound. What I wasn't expecting was the lack of sound intermittently. Turns out, there's a short in the cord. So, we'll contact Baby Trend today and hopefully they can just send us that small speaker.

Want to know what is great, though? When you contemplate calling into work because you just don't feel like going (but never would actually call in....just dream about it), only to realize that you aren't even on the schedule. That is the best! Yay! No work!

As the duct tape falls off my glasses in the corner, releasing the hold on the lens, I realize that, for once, I'm excited for my eye appointment today. Giddy, actually. I'm desperate for some new glasses, obviously. Plus, the "okay" from E to spend money is always nice. Even if its on glasses.

good things come in packages

In totally unrelated news, I got a package today! It was my stuff that I ordered online from Old Navy. I know, I know. I'm sure you're wondering why I ordered online after my last Internet sales fiasco. However, I feel confident in the knowledge of my sizing at ON, seeing as most of my clothing comes from the clearance rack there (or target's.)

I'm pleased to announce that my stuff fits! Woot! I'm currently wearing my $1.50, bright as the sun, screaming yellow shirt. To say its "bright" may be an understatement. However, I like it! ha! My new navy draw string pants ($4 pants, mind you!) fit, too! Woo hoo! I have yet to try on the kids' $1.50 shirts, but they appear cute enough (though it didn't go over well with O's pink-ometor. After seeing it, she promptly asked to hang it up for later.) The real test will be E. He's so darn picky. I'm really trying to force him into giving up his clothes from high school, circa 1999, and venturing into the year 2009. I'm not holding my breath on that one.


Oh, and I just carried $300 cash to Babies-R-Us, (with permission from E, mind you! Dangerous!) to buy a new double jogger. Our first thought was to buy another used jogger. But, we realized that our list of "wants" on a jogger might be hard to fulfill when you add in the adjective "cheap". We went around town last weekend, test driving any DJs we could find, which turned out to be very few. Seems most people who jog, don't with 2 kids. (I see the logic, don't you?) We were leery of buying on online due to our in store experience, likely enough. We researched and researched, found one that got great reviews, and test drove it at Dicks. It was horrible! Way to short for E to push, too short for my kids to sit in (seriously, my kids are short....who is actually riding in these?? puppies and newborns?) and had some serious under carriage storage shortage.


Here's what we ended up. its supposed to look like this:










Here's what it really looks like. Gee, I wonder what I'll be doing tonight after LOST?

A friend in need of prayers

I have a sweet friend who needs prayers today. And for her, (and myself,) I pray:

Ephesians 3:

20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 21 to Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

Sweet friend, he is able to do far more than we ask or think. I'm praying for you!

Yes, Jesus Loves me

I was just singing this to A when I laid him down for bed. The words touched my heart when my 2.5 yr old son starting singing them in his sweet little voice.

Jesus loves me, this I know
for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong.
They are weak, but he is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so.


You know, my children believe me when I tell them that I love them. Simply because I tell them. I always ask A and O "do you know mommy loves you?" They always say, with exasperation, "yes, mommy!"

Why is it, then, so hard for me to believe that Jesus really does love me. Why is it so hard to believe that he love me when I'm struggling with grief? Then I remember what I need to do. I need to read his love letter to me. I need to get into the Bible and read about his love again, because it tells me over and over that he does love us all. So, he loves ME!

The inevitable

Its inevitable that someone close to me (either physical proximity or relationship wise) has to be pregnant and due around the same time as a m/c baby. Always. For my April 08 baby, it was a close friend. For my February 09 baby, its two of my neighbors. For my April baby, its a co-worker. Now, for my October 09 baby, its a long-time family friend.

This, to me, is one of the hardest parts about RPL. Not only do I have to go through my initial pain/loss, I have to watch friends and family get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have a baby at the same time that I should be (All the while, I still can't stay pregnant.) I have to watch on the sidelines, with out a baby to hold- either inside or outside of my womb.


I'm just so confused as to what God's plan is here. I really, really don't "get it". Maybe I'll have this awesome testimony that I can share with others, but right now, I feel hopeless. (I've actually talked to E about selling some of our baby gear. I'm just not confident that we'll have a little one before that stuff is obsolete.) I just wish that God would fill me in a bit. Flip forward in my "book" that is my life to let me know bits and pieces of how it ends. Just to give me something to hold onto.

I want to go back

I want to go back to Friday. When I felt numb. I don't like feeling what I feel now.

I feel like my body is a worthless piece of crap. Stupid thing can't even do what its SUPPOSED to do. If I could scream right now, I would.

There. I just needed to get that out.

One of the worst

This miscarriage is going down as one of my worst. I'm not really sure why. The bleeding and clotting and cramps are horrible. When I'm cramping, I'm going to change things at least once an hour. When I'm not cramping, however, there's practically no bleeding. But, the weirdest thing is how long its lasting. Normally, its only a one day deal. One day of really heavy bleeding/pain, then it putters out. My miscarriages are actually shorter than my regular periods. So this, day 3 and still bleeding heavily, is unprecedented.





Oh, and here's another "worst". Worst glasses fix ever. so, here's the whole story. I scratched my eye ball on thursday (from rubbing my eyes while I was crying) and had to take out my contacts. I had been wearing my glasses since. Saturday, I take off my glasses (gently) to rub my eye and the top frame part just snapped! Ugh! The tape is all mangled around the top, bottom and actual lens. Its the only way I can get them to work. I have been trying to wear my contacts, but my eyes feel raw. So, I've been wearing these in the evenings. Yee haw, I know. I have my yearly exam on thursday, so i don't want to get new glasses just in case my prescription changes.

In other "worsts", I'm pretty sure I just ate one of the worst breakfasts. At least from a nutrition stand point. I made these for the super bowl party last night. They were quite tasty.