Last night O was asking what "A man" meant. Meaning, why do we pray, and then say "A Man". It took everything I had inside of me to not burst out laughing. O, in all her almost-four-year-oldness, thought that we were saying A Man because she's heard those two words before. A Man. Amen, isn't a word that "means" anything to her, yet.
So, I promptly tell her, through my silent chuckles, that we say "Amen" not "A Man". I fully expected that to be the end of that. Nope. She then says, "well, momma, what does A-MEN mean?"
My mind quickly reeled through files, knowing it had the answer in there somewhere. From high school bible class? Maybe a bible study? A Sunday morning sermon? Somewhere, I knew the answer.
"Let it be" That was the answer that I pulled out of some random file. So I told her, "It means let it be. You're agreeing that you want God to let it be, all of the things you prayed for." She stared at me. I simplified it a tad for her, struggling to find the right words for a little girl. I tried and tried again, but she still just stared at me.
Oh well. I was pretty darn proud of myself for evening remembering what Amen meant. lol. I think she understood the gist of it. I think she was mostly concerned why we say "A Man" after we pray. After I cleared that up, she was happy.
What does this have to do with the price of beans in Argentina? Or in relation to our TTC journey? Not much, except for the fact that E and I were discussing what to do next month when I go back to see Dr. H. I've just felt really impressed to NOT do fertility medications for a little while.
I understand the thoughts behind them: to get more eggs fertilized to get more chances for a healthy baby. But, I feel God calling me and telling me to just give it a break. One, I'm not convinced that the problem is Embryonic. Secondly, I feel like God is telling me to give him room to work. Thus far, I've liked my little sense of control. I can't really control much, so it makes me feel better to take a pill, OPK's, my temperature, etc just because that's stuff that I can control.
I'm not sure when it started, but I've just felt this tugging at my heart. God saying "give it to me. Give it all to me." So I am. Everything. I'm praying through it all, for peace mostly. But, I'm also praying that God will bless me with another living child. I'm saying "let it be."