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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The inevitable

Its inevitable that someone close to me (either physical proximity or relationship wise) has to be pregnant and due around the same time as a m/c baby. Always. For my April 08 baby, it was a close friend. For my February 09 baby, its two of my neighbors. For my April baby, its a co-worker. Now, for my October 09 baby, its a long-time family friend.

This, to me, is one of the hardest parts about RPL. Not only do I have to go through my initial pain/loss, I have to watch friends and family get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have a baby at the same time that I should be (All the while, I still can't stay pregnant.) I have to watch on the sidelines, with out a baby to hold- either inside or outside of my womb.


I'm just so confused as to what God's plan is here. I really, really don't "get it". Maybe I'll have this awesome testimony that I can share with others, but right now, I feel hopeless. (I've actually talked to E about selling some of our baby gear. I'm just not confident that we'll have a little one before that stuff is obsolete.) I just wish that God would fill me in a bit. Flip forward in my "book" that is my life to let me know bits and pieces of how it ends. Just to give me something to hold onto.

5 comments:

d e v a n said...

I'm sorry Tracy, that's so painful. Is there anything you need?

Dan & Hillary and little Russell said...

I can sympathize with you:-( Pregnant bellies and newborns are only a reminder of what we miss. I pray that someday God will heal our broken hearts.

Heidi said...

I had a vague thought last night. You said your miscarriages usually only take a day... have you had your lining checked? I'm assuming you have because I'm guessing it's fairly common. I know they often check it during ultrasounds on monitored cycles. However, I had a specialized ultrasound that judged the uterine lining's supply of blood vessels, and I wondered if maybe something like that might shed some light on your situation. I just wouldn't expect a miscarriage bleed to be shorter than a regular period - kwim?

Been thinking about you often. I'm so so sorry!

Tracy said...

Heidi- its shorter in length than my period, but much, much, MUCH heavier. :) I have my lining checked almost every time. Its always fine, or so they say.

Mama2Boys said...

(((hugs)))

that is really rough. that happened to me when I had my pg loss :( it was almost 2 years later before I even managed to get pregnant again. I could not imagine having to live through it more than once.