Comfort

Want to know what I ate today to comfort myself? Crap. Crap with a capital "C". I know I shouldn't feel guilty, since I'm technically still miscarrying. But, I still do. Not enough to stop myself earlier, though. Of course.

I ate 2 doughnuts for breakfast at FPU (I cant' remember the last time I ate ONE at all. Much less two) 3 cups of coffee (to stay alert with my lack of sleep) a snickers bar, diet caffeine free coke, and some sour gummy worms and homemade pizza for dinner. The only redeeming item in my day thus far has been the bowl of soup I ate for lunch.

So, with all of that junk, why is it that I just want to go eat a big bowl of chocolate ice cream and drink some wine?

Its over

There's always that tiny little secret hope in the back of my head: maybe they're wrong. There's still a chance for a miracle.

Nope. Its done now. I woke up around 3 am with horrible cramps. Quickly followed by lots of bleeding and clots. I'm pretty drugged up right now, but could stand something stronger even.

Want to know what is really, really weird? I just looked back on my pregnancy cycles. Each pregnancy ended at CD 36. Every single one that I charted for! No matter what day I ovulated, I started bleeding the same day each pregnancy. How is this not related to SOMETHING? 4 pregnancies that end on the exact same cycle day...

Well, I have to get moving. We have to facilitate financial peace again. I don't really want to go, but I'm hoping it'll take my mind off stuff for a little while. Know one there knows anything that's going on, so I won't have to talk about it.

Stages of Grief

I've been wondering if there's a numb stage somewhere in the 5 stages of grief. That's pretty much how I feel today. Numb. I cried my eyes out yesterday... Today- nothing. Dry as a bone. Or maybe its denial. Denial that what happened yesterday didn't really happen.

As I happened apon a website with the 5stages of grief, I realized that numbness is in there. In the depression section (which, really surprised me, actually. I wouldn't consider myself depressed, but rather: "detached")

I read a lot of the book of Job in my bible today. That whole situation just baffles me. I still don't "get it". Maybe I will by the time I finish the book, but right now, it doesn't make sense to me.

Job says in chapter 6, verses 11-13

"What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient? Do I have the strength of stone? Is my flesh bronze? Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?"

I get this. I really do. I feel completely hopeless and I am lacking in strength. I just don't know if I can even attempt to try again.

E thinks that we should go ahead and try during the month of February. Dr. H said that we could try on our own if we'd like this month, then in March start back with the meds. Honestly, if I had to decide today, it would be to stop trying. I don't know if I can bear to go through this again. Every time I feel like I'm healing, it happens again and I have to start over. Except, I'm never really starting over from scratch. Its not like "poof" I'm healed, and I never get sad or think about my babies. There's always the hurt and sadness of missing them. Even when I feel like I'm healing, its always there. Each time I loose one, I think to myself that "I should be used to this by now." I should be used to the loss, sadness, disappointment. But, I'm not. It seems like it should be easier, but it gets harder. Each one is harder and harder and harder.

A friend, (who in the past has said some pretty stupid things to say to someone who's grieving) told me that she couldn't wait to get to heaven to meet all of my little saints. I don't believe that they are Saints (she's Catholic) I do believe that they are there. Each one of them. This is how I know:


Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you formed my inward parts;you knitted me together in my mother's womb.14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. [1]Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well.15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,intricately woven in the depths of the earth.16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,the days that were formed for me,when as yet there was none of them.

I hate this

Really, I shouldn't be surprised. But, I am a little.

levels today: progesterone 2, hcg 13. I'll probably m/c this baby sometime this weekend.

Ugh

So my "high" of good feelings yesterday has now dropped to very, very, very bad feelings. I woke up this morning to a temperature of 98.41! What the hey?!!?! Its been consistently in the 98.7 range since I got my positive. Granted, I did take my temperature at 5, instead of 6. But, even with the adjustment, that leaves me with a low 98.6 (plus, I'm not really sure how accurate it is to adjust temps. It seems like its always "right on" no matter what...)

AND, I'm cramping some. I know, I know. Its normal for early pregnancy. However, combined with my lower temperature, I am officially freaking out. Seriously. Freaking. Out. Plus, I have this overall feeling of negativity. I am not really sure why that is there. For preparation of the news I might get today, or the temptation to loose hope.

But, I'm trying to keep my spirit in the right place. I'm trying to be in constant prayer, never ceasing, asking, (begging, really) God to protect my baby and to heal my womb.

My IF (Internet friend) Heidi sent me this song on Monday. My God IS mighty to save!

Bruises

So- my tummy looks kind of rough today. The injections aren't being kind to me. With the trigger shot, it wasn't that big of a deal. One shot, once in the month, and it didn't sting very much. These sting. Really, really, really sting. The needle going in doesn't actually hurt very much (its pretty tiny) but after I push in the medicine, it starts to burn (reminds me of that SNL skit with the "shirt in a can". Where the tester says "its burning my skin!")

Anyway, here's a picture from my injection site last night. The one from tuesday night is more bruised, but this has only been 12 hours since the injection. All around that red part is bruised, too! But, no pain, no gain! I think its funny that I used to be petrified of needles, though.


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A had to have his foot/leg and skull x-rayed yesterday. The stinker jumped off our bed on saturday and has been limping ever since. The dr. called last night and said it was clear, but that he'll have to be re-x-rayed on friday if he's still limping. I guess breaks are hard to see on little ones. His head wasn't actually an injury. E's been super concerned that something's wrong with A's head. There's a ridge between the front and back of his head. Turns out, its just the way his growth plates came together (ahem, like I may have said several times! but, whatever.)

A was so good during the x-rays. They had to call in a "helper" since I'm pregnant (the technician wasn't very nice when I told her. She said "ugh. that's not good!") The guy who came in to help was super good with A. Had him laughing and talking since I had to hide out back by the computers, all the way in the corner. During the skull x-rays they had to hold his head on both sides with these circular foam things. I'm assuming to keep his head still with out fingers or hand bones in the picture. He got a little scared, but the helper was awesome! he had A wave to me through the window and was telling him how proud I was of him. So neat!

The whole time, I was just thinking about how O would've freaked. I mean, completely freaked! In fact, when she broke her foot last year, she DID freak out during the x-ray. They almost had to sedate her. Granted, she has had a lot of the kidney x-rays (the nasty kind with a cath) and she has a bad taste in her mouth from those, so I understand. Yesterday, though, I just sat her up on the table to tie her shoe and she started getting panicky. I'm just glad it was A on the table and not O. That would've been miserable.

The neat thing about it all was that I got to say I was pregnant! Silly, I know. But, the last time we had to get x-rays (for A again. He's a dare devil) I had just miscarried and the technician went on and on about making sure I was pregnant. It was really hard. But, yesterday, I got to BE pregnant! Woot!

Embracing hope

Hope
noun, verb, hoped, hop⋅ing.
–noun

1.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.

4.a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.

5.something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope. –verb (used with object)

6.to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory. –verb (used without object)

8.to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.

9.Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in).


Its interesting that #9 is "to place trust". In this definition, it seems as though "hope" and "faith" are closely related. I have always thought that it was easier to hope than to have faith. Because hope is often self-centered, having hope for something comes from your ability to think positively. Where as faith, is placing your desires, thoughts, etc in someone else's hands. But, now that I think about it, faith is placing your HOPE in someone else. Placing my hope in God to protect my little babe is suspiciously like faith.

Here is what I am now struggling with: the facts. The facts are:
*I am %50 likely to miscarry this baby. Those are just my odds from my medical history.
*My last pregnancy hcg numbers doubled, twice, and the pregnancy still failed
*I have miscarried every baby since the birth of my son.
*I have yet to make it to 6 weeks with any of those babies.
*Every time I go to the bathroom, I get panicky, and look for blood
* I'm scared. Really scared.

The reason I'm struggling with the facts is that I desire so much, to celebrate this little life with-in my body. My sweet little baby deserves a more excited entrance into the world! I think back, to most of my previous pregnancies, and I was signing up for pregnancy updates, emails, coupons, and made a ticker the day I got my positive test. Maybe it was the pain it caused me to undo all of those things before that has prohibited me from doing ANY of them now. Up until today, I hadn't even looked up my due date. Strictly because it hurts so much when you loose a baby and then have to function on your due date with out a precious little person to hold. It almost seems better to not know. (I know that I have a baby angel due date coming in just 2 weeks and then another just 6 weeks from then. It is so hard to think about it.)

Anyway, I decided today that I would look at my due date and be hopefull. I love this baby and I don't want to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. God has given me a little babe, even if its only for a short period of time. I will have hope! I love this babe, and I want to cherish it!

More information

My friends and I always joke about how, before infertility and miscarriages, we had no idea about how exactly our bodies worked or what hormone was which or what is a good level of hcg (or what hcg even was!) We had no idea you could or even should (or want to) take a pregnancy test early, or how addicting it is to pee on a stick.

So, for those of you who are in our place, let me fill you in a tad. My number from last friday, 8.5, was the concentration of the pregnancy hormone, HCG, in my system. In medical terms, anything over 5 is pregnant. Most pregnancy tests read at 20 and above, but a few read below (like First Response Rapid Response which has been tested at 6!)

Ideally, that HCG number will double every 48-72 hrs in early pregnancy. And you might often hear that its not the number that matters- in and of itself- its the doubling that matters. While very true, its still much better, in my opinion, to have a higher number on the onset of a pregnancy, it means that you have more of the hormone in your system. Which is good.

So, my number of 23.5 is a doubling time of 47.91 hrs (I used this handy calculator.) Right on the border of that 48 hr window. While I have to be honest and say that I wish that it was higher and that it had tripled instead of doubled, I'm still pleased. This is moving up, and not down. Its moving in the right direction!

Of course, this pregnancy is not a "sure thing" by any means. My last pregnancy doubled up to 50, then dropped like dead fly on the wall. Hopefully these injections that I'll be giving myself daily will help keep that baby safe and snug.

I feel like God has given me hope, and that's so precious to me. But, we can't stop praying!! Please keep praying!

real quick like

beta back: 23.5

starting Lovenox tonight.

more to come

Thoughts

Recently, we've been doing a "couples of the bible" study in our sunday school. Its interesting to me several of the first women mentioned in the bible suffered from infertility at some point. Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel (so far that's all we've studied) What was the purpose of that infertility? To prove that God could do miracles (think of how old Sarah was) or build character, or to have the people prove their faith in Him? I'm leaning towards showing that these children born to the infertile women were miracles. How could they not be?

The thing that is discouraging, however, is the whole "in His timing" deal that they all went through. I hate waiting. I hate not knowing. I hate that I can't be in control!

Obviously, I'm a very impatient person. Waiting to get the phone call today should be torture, as it always is. I get yucky butterflies in my tummy and get very restless. When I think about it, I already feel like that.

God, please give me peace today.

Just a little chatter

Yesterday was a really long day. I relatively good day, but long.

We started the day with facilitating our Financial Peace class- it was the first week. It went really well. I was so proud of E. He's not super comfy speaking in front of people (nor am I, but I'm more outgoing, and I think he did way better than me!) and he did so well! He's so articulate. I love that about him.

Then, we discussed what we're going to do with our saved money. Buy a jogger or a bed right now, then buy the latter later. Up until yesterday afternoon, I was all for buying a bed first, then a jogger later. However, after our afternoon walk (with our old jogger) I realized that the poor thing may not make it until "later". The wheels are squiggling all around moving directions they shouldn't move, A's seat is sagging (because the metal snapped in half- so the "frame" is under his neck instead of above his head) and the shade doesn't do a very good job. A cried most of our walk due to the sun in his eyes! Of course, we came to no conclusion. E decided it was up to me. Stinker.

Yesterday evening, we went to a new friend's house. I mentioned my friend Raechel in my last post. She's a friend from high school (as is her husband Ryan, and her sister Rebecca) who has been so inspirational to me lately. Anywho- she had a friend from church who moved down here to Huntsville a few months ago. This friend, Holly, and I have been trying to meet and get together for a few months now. Something always comes up. Sick kids, trips, dr. appointments, etc. Finally, our families got together at their place last night. It was so wonderful! It was like meeting people you've known for ages. Holly and I hit it off and I felt so comfortable with her. It was a wonderful evening, with only a few mishaps from the children (mostly mine...mostly Olivia...) Yay for fun family time together!

Well, despite our family outing that went into the wee hours of the night (read: 9 p.m.) our kids DID NOT sleep well. Olivia had a few night terrors, during which I finally had to yell at her for her to wake up and stop screaming! Austin kept waking up needing his paci. Needless to say, I am now enjoying a large cup of coffee.

A good sign, I hope

So, my nipples have been killing me last night and today. (I know, I know. Too much information. But, I know you all *want* to know!) I've also been very tired yesterday and today.

I'm hoping that it means that the hormone is increasing and is causing some symptoms of pregnancy. (its actually sort of strange to be symptom free. All of my other m/c's I've had nausea)

I don't want to get my hopes up too high, because I've been down this road before, too. The road where I get hopefull and think that maybe, just maybe this might be it. That it might be okay. That I won't have to go through it all again.

In fact, my last pregnancy (this past summer) even tricked us. It was a low beginner number, too. It started to double- a tad. We got all excited. Then, it dropped. Just like that.

After 5 times, its hard not to be pessimistic about the 6th. But, I hate being pessimistic. Its not who I am. (nor am I super optomistic. I like to think I'm relatively balanced in that area. Maybe my friends would disagree...who knows?) Being hopefull and getting hurt is so hard. So. Freaking. Hard.

Anywho- I'm praying that God is doing wonders in my body right now. To quote a friend of mine, Raechel "you have life right now and that is wonderful!" Thanks, Raechel. You encouraged me so much with those words! How right you are! I AM pregnant, and there is life inside of me. I hope that I will be able to meet this little life here on earth.

Sweet sleep

It was hard for me to wake up today. Hard for me to release my dreams, (which, thankfully, had nothing to do with babies or pregnancy) and enter reality. Those few hours of release from my constant thoughts, prayers, tears, and turmoil were sweet bliss. (I can now see why people who are depressed want to sleep all of the time. You don't have to think!)

I talked to my mom yesterday about the whole deal. I don't know why, but its so much easier for me to type out what's happening then to actually say it. I can hardly talk about it with out crying. Anyway, she said that she's mad at the devil. That he keeps stealing, killing, and destroying. (if this says anything about my mom, she very rarely gets angry!)

While I know in my head that that is the truth, I find myself angry with God. Angry that he isn't stepping in and doing what only HE can do. I love God, and will always love him. But, I'm so hurt and confused by my circumstances. I, obviously, cannot see the big picture here. I'm stuck in my valley and cannot see a way out!

I have no witty way to end this entry. Simply because I don't feel like thinking about it. We're off to teach our first Financial Peace class today- put on a happy face and pretend like nothing's wrong.

Its never easy

So- I just got my results back.

8.5



Basically, the nurse said this can go either way (as I well know). I am indeed pregnant. However, my numbers are barely there. Progesterone was great, 24. All other levels were good, too. But that darn hcg level just doesn't want to work with us. Which is why the test was so light.

The nurse said its good that the progesterone is high: it means my body is trying to support this pregnancy.

I just have this horrible sinking feeling. I'm already starting to grieve because I can feel what's coming. The lighter, then darker, then lighter tests (the one from this morning was lighter than yesterday afternoon's) make me believe that this pregnancy has already ended.

The nurse said if this goes south, it will do so over the weekend. She doubted I'd start bleeding yet, since my progesterone is still quite high. But, if I do, I need to call them. *sigh*

If, by some miracle, this baby kicks it into gear on Monday, Dr. H will be putting me on some type of shot. I forget the name right now. But, I guess its a medicine that you have to stick with. Once you go on it, you can't come off of it until the second trimester. They want to make sure the baby is viable first.

Here I am again. In this same position I've been so many times now. Waiting on God to do something miraculous.

more pictures

I think we're in business. Sort of. I took the bottom test just a few minutes ago. About 4 p.m. I took it over to a neighbor, (who admittedly is an expert at reading FRER tests. She's addicted...) who confirmed that it looks positive. yay! I know its hard to tell in the picture, but the newest one is a tad darker.

The thing that scares me is that its so light. That's never been a good thing for me. The other thing that worries me is that I took a CBED test and it read not pregnant. Obviously, the hcg concentration isn't much. *sigh*

Please pray everything doubles (or triples!) like its supposed to and that our baby will be born healthy!

a line? maybe?

Well, I tested this morning when my temperature went back up. I don't know what to think. I've never even gotten a resemblance of a line on these tests before. Its always been stark white. A neighbor confirms, its a line. (she's not a poas pro, either. she asked what the dark line was for. lol) It looks pink in person, too.

I think I'm going to wait to call the dr. until tomorrow anyway. I have to work today, and I can't call in again...

Maybe its an evap, maybe not. But, I can certainly tell you that it is NOT my trigger shot (since I tested with the same test 2 days ago and it was stark white. no hidden lines. :) )

Both of these are unedited (besides the penciled arrows.)

Out

Pretty sure I am out for the month. *sigh* My temperature dropped this morning, and I'm crampy. The last few days, I was pretty sure that I was out, but I was still holding onto hope. I guess that explains why I had a backache yesterday and why I was so irritable (see last post to revel it in all of its glory!)

I'm not sure what to think, honestly. I'm sad, hurt, confused. I have to admit, not getting pregnant is a tiny bit better than being pregnant and losing it, but it still sucks rocks. Really. Sucks. Rocks.

I'm just so confused as to what God's plan is. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I realize that most of the time, we don't know what his plan is and things reveal themselves in time. But, I'm so tired of waiting. Sometimes I feel like God has just forgotten about me. I KNOW that it isn't true, but its so hard to FEEL differently.

I've been listening to this song a lot lately:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BX888N13Ck&feature=related

Bad day

I'm having one of those days. You know, the days you just want to curl up in bed, go back to sleep, and pray its tomorrow? Or, the kind that make you go through the drive thru, and eat marshmallows dipped in chocolate (leftover from fondue last night) even though you're trying to loose weight. Or the kind that make you want a glass of wine at 1:23 pm.





yeah, its been that kind of day. First of all, I got my pink coat in the mail yesterday. I was so excited. I quickly remembered WHY I don't buy things online. Because something always goes wrong. Always. My coat doesn't fit. Grr! So, I figure, okay- fine. I'll ship it back, get a new one, I'm only out $12 (since I have to ship another one again...) I call VS up. Guess what??? Completely out of that coat. Out. As in no more. Of course, they aren't having that awesome sale, so I can't buy a different style with out paying an arm and a leg. So, wasted money on a coat that doesn't fit.





But, here it is. Its beautiful. Too bad I can't button it. Stupid breasts.

Of course, there's the negative pregnancy test. Wonderful.

Then, I can't go to work because Olivia has a fever. Except, its not a real fever. Its a phantom fever. After I call in, I take her temperature a few hours later- its gone. So I go to the store (well, stores) and spend the money I didn't make today.

I found some socks to make some new baby legs and I go all over creation trying to find materials for Olivia's birthday tutu dress (stay tuned for pictures...) half of what I originally picked up was not on sale, so I had to go to another store and another. So, naturally, I bought things for myself- wallowing in self-pity.

By this point, the kids are so fed up, they start fighting. Why an almost 4 yr old feels the need to tease her 2yr old brother, I'll never understand. Seriously. Why is it fun to listen to him scream? or cry? or throw a fit? Its not fun for anyone. Especially not me. I can't think, can't do %40 off math in my head. I'm wishing I would've just stayed at home and had a jammie day.

I'm exhausted, so we go to McD's. Bad. Bad, mommy! E is going to not like that, my body isn't going to like that: no one wins.

I can't take a nap because we have repair people coming today. Grr.... So I sit here, eating marshmallows and chocolate. Nuff said.

Annoyed

Or beyond annoyed. Annoyed really isn't the right adjective, but its all my tired mommy brain can think of at this moment.

Want to know what I'm annoyed with? My stupid body! Stupid thing! It can't decide if it wants to be super fertile, but kick out the babies, or infertile, with months now of medicated cycles. I could honestly just scream!

What-the-stinkin'-hey! Argh!!!! I tested today, it was, (obvious by this post) negative. While I know that its early, and very early for me since I have never gotten a positive before 12 dpo, I just don't think its going to happen this month. For some strange reason, I just feel like this month was a bust. Which aggravates me. All of that money, and time, and energy. Wasted.

I broke down

and bought some pregnancy tests. I told myself I wasn't going to this month. That I would just wait for my blood work on friday. But, I should've known better. I've never listened to myself. ha! I actually bought the FRER ones, too. sheesh!






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We went to look at bedroom furniture today. Wowzers. I guess I never realized how expensive bed frames are. Here's the one we're probably getting.




Its hard for us to spend the money, though. We start to rationalize things. Like thinking of other things we need soon. We really need a new double jogger. Ours has almost seen its very last jog (okay, who am I kidding? Its already seen its last jog: with its last owner...) So, should we get a cheaper metal bed frame and then use the extra money to get a new jogger? Or, buy this bed, and save up for a little while for the jogger?

Ugh. I hate decisions like this.

Getting Jiggy With It

Thanks to Theresa getting Will Smith in my head (Fresh Prince of Bellaire, thanks, by the way, Theresa...) I went and looked at some videos of his on YouTube. Now, Getting Jiggy With It is in my head. For all night long, I'm sure.

We were party animals today! Two very fun birthday parties! One at the children's museum, and another at Little Gym.

Here are some fun pictures from our day today!

Austin, as The Little Gym's spokes child

Getting a bubble off of his ear

Devan's baby C


Channeling Laurie Berkner
"Balance, Balance, Balance Beam
I might trip and I might fall,
but that's okay, cause after all
mom and dad will love me
through it all
on my Balance, Balance Beam."



This is at the children's museum. it was quite dark in there, so this is the best from the bunch that I got.

Baby legs

Testes one, two, three?

A prize to who ever guesses where that title came from.... :)

I tested this morning with my IC's just to check to see if the trigger was gone. It appears as though it is (well, I'm not going to test with a real test anytime soon, just in case. These IC's aren't that great. They never did pick up with any of my miscarriages.)

Only 7 days to go until my blood test.

Here's my test today. Hopefully I'll have a pretty pink line in a few days to compare it to. :)

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I thought I'd also share that I'm glad I did my little Austin expose yesterday and the day before. I doubt that I'd be so kind today. One minute he was in the bonus room with me, coloring. The next, he's gone- apparently taking advantage of the fact that I was engrossed in my project.

The stinker got into the dish soap (in the child locked cabinet, mind you!) and squirted it everywhere while I was making baby legs. I had to throw away a few trash bags because he decided to paint, Pollock style, on them. Just so you know, making baby legs takes approximately 5 minutes each pair (well, plus the time spent hunting for them at the store...) so it wasn't as if I was neglecting him for very long. Grr....

But, I did get the order done. Cute, if I do say so myself. I'll have to post it in another post because blogger is being stupid!

A week and a day

I can't believe I still have a week and a day until I get my blood work done. In some ways, it seems like the week has been going by quickly. In relation to THIS, however, it hasn't. The days are crawling by. sigh.
But, the good news is that I'll be very busy between now and then. Playdate and babysitting today, meeting a new friend tomorrow (she's a friend of a friend who moved to Huntsville in October), two birthday parties and a baby shower on saturday (just call me the party princess) and possibly a Chattanooga trip on sunday and monday (if I can convince E that its worth it. The kids have been chattering incessantly about staying in a hotel and swimming....) work tuesday, preschool wednesday, work thursday, then- what do you know- its friday. Seems fast...but probably won't be.
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Yesterday I was going to post a picture of my A man, but I got interrupted by A himself. So, here it is. He's sporting his new fancy baby legs, (which, by the way, are very helpful in the potty department. MUCH easier than pants!)

Now he asks almost every day to wear his baby "wegs". I love it! I found some Christmas socks at wally world for 50 cents and I made him another pair. They have fuzzy type stuff at the top, which he calls his "soft baby wegs". Unfortunately, they don't stay up very well. When I go to the store next week, I'll look for another pair to make him. Its hard to find "manly" knee high socks. Wonder why? lol

My little A man

A's teacher talked to me after preschool today. She said that A is a "hoot" and "cracks her up continuously through out the day". I guess today he was making all kinds of silly faces on the potty. When the teacher asked him why he wasn't going pee he said "I'll wait and go at home for mommy. I'll hold it." Then she proceeded to tell me about how different he is than Olivia (who was in her class last year). She said that he often just stops what he is doing, comes over to her and says the funniest stuff. Just to make her laugh.

We've noticed around here lately, that A's been a ham. He is always trying to joke, be silly, or make funny faces. We can almost always get him to stop throwing a fit by being silly. The other night, he was all worked up because I wouldn't leave his closet light on. I started singing the wrong words to Twinkle Twinkle, and he started laughing and got over the light deal. Its quite nice, actually, to have that option. When O's in a fit, well, its best to just leave her be.

Oh, gotta go. Little man is waking up from naps. He's calling my name.

What the hey!

Why is my fertility friend freaking out. It keeps saying that I ovulated on Sunday. Which, is not really true. I am pretty confident that I ovulated on Saturday evening (1. because the trigger shot is supposed to make you O within 24-36 hrs 2. because I had some super intense pains on Saturday night 3. because my temp rose some on Sunday morning.) Sometimes I love that software....sometimes I hate it!

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I also made an online purchase today. Which is so NOT me. I tend to enjoy the hunt of a good bargain in person. However, Victoria Secret doesn't carry their coats in store, so online was my only option. I will soon be the proud owner of a pink, yes pink, knee length wool coat. For only $25! (that was 80% off!!!!)

I'm sure E will give me a hard time about it being pink. I had these pink cords that I wore in high school (we had a dress code and couldn't wear jeans. you get tired of plain khakis!) and he hated them. Loathed them. However, he did give me "permission" to purchase this coat. He couldn't really believe that, in his words, I could get "a nice winter coat for under $50". Well, I'll show him. lol.

Hopefully it will come soon! its going to be stinkin' cold here this week. Weather like this makes me want to move further south. Florida perhaps....or Australia. I saw this: [http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090113/od_afp/lifestyleaustraliatourismoffbeat_20090113032028;_ylt=ApRDNWBMmQLJm7KwWV_alyQazJV4thought it would be a great opportunity for me, in another life anyway. It might be a tad hard to get pregnant a few continents apart...

Feeling a tad embarrassed

that my good friend just had twins today and I'm jealous. Happy that she is, right now, holding two precious little healthy babies in her arms. Jealous because I don't have one. Happy that she made it a few weeks extra, Jealous because we were due only a week apart and I have nothing to show for it. Happy that everything went well and she's at the hospital resting. Jealous that I won't be waking up to nurse a baby. Happy that I'll be able to go see them all on Wednesday.

Those emotions are so hard, sometimes. To be so happy for someone else's joy, but so sad on the inside for yourself.

A different kind of pain

So yesterday, I kept waiting for the sharp, intense, ovulation pains I kept reading about. Last month, in fact, I had some pretty serious ones so I assumed that this month would be worse (due to the 6 follicles versus 2 from last month) Both of my sides were very tender (down by my pubic bone) to the touch. It actually got to the point where it hurt to move much.

The hcg trigger shot is supposed to make you ovulate 24-36 hours after the injection. I waited and waited during that time frame from 6am to 6pm. The tenderness got pretty strong around 6:30. By 8:30pm my sides were so tender, just where my pants pressed up against them hurt!

It was not the same pain that I was expecting to have. I was actually a little worried that I didn't and wasn't going to release my eggs! But, much to my relief, I woke up this morning with relieved tenderness on my right side (my left side still is a tad sore) and a higher temperature. Woot!

Only 12 days left to wait for my blood work. Thankfully, its not a whole two weeks.

I did it!

After having several dreams about giving myself the shot (in the wrong ways, of course. In one dream, I poked myself on one side and the medicine wouldn't go in, so I had to take it out and do it again and again and again) I waited in bed waiting for an acceptable time to get up and do it. Just to get it over with. (Its amazing how you can psychologically work yourself up so that you have dreams about your concerns.)

But, I'm proud to say, "its done!" Not bad, not bad at all. Really, the stinging from the medicine going in hurt worse (and I use the term "hurt" here loosely) than the stick. Thankfully, the medicine DID come out the first time, so no need to poke myself again. ;)

I'm also glad to inform you that E did not pass out during the process. I wanted someone around while I did it...just in case. I don't typically get queasy and pass out during that type of thing, but giving myself a shot really isn't typical for me, either. Of course, E didn't watch or anything, but he gave me commentary before I started, talking about making sure I didn't touch the needle first. (duh)

Anywho, we also went ahead and did our homework for today. Since I got up early, the kids were still in bed... The nurse informed me yesterday that we needed to "make a deposit" today and tomorrow, and then, in her words "after Saturday, its just for fun. Gotta keep the husband happy!" Hehe.

Well, off to ovulate!

Needles

So, I've never really been a big fan of needles. I mean, who is, really? They're sharp, they pretty much always hurt, and they make you bleed.

I was reflecting yesterday (while I was at the dr. ) on how I used to be freaked out by getting my blood drawn. i didn't have to have it very often, but when I did I started freaking out when I got to the lab and signed in. Albeit, I've had some nasty experiences with blood draws (one lady kept bumping the needle while it was in my arm with her rather large tummy over and over again) but I still thought they were horrible.

I can't even tell now when they draw my blood. Maybe its different sized needles, or better nurses. But, I think that most of my pain was actually from the fear. I barely feel it. Of course, I've had lots and lots and LOTS of practice over the past year. I have thought about counting how many times I've done it the past year, but its a rather daunting task. I've had a lot of them.

Here's where the fear part comes in again. I have to do the trigger shot tomorrow. I thought, ignorantly, that they'd do the shot at the dr.'s office. Nope. They called today and explained over the phone how to do it. Ack! Now I'm FREAKING out! I know it isn't a big deal, that it probably wouldn't have even hurt at the dr. But, *I* have to do it to *myself* for the *first time*.

What if I do it wrong, what if I put it in the wrong place, the wrong time, get an air bubble in there? I'm not a professional!!! I don't know what I'm doing!

THAT'S why I'm scared of needles.

Totally OT

What would you do if you or your husband lost his/your job? Keep going with every day activities? Cut back everything that isn't essential? Somewhere in between?

Someone I ran into yesterday is in this exact situation. Lost income. But, yet, children still in preschool 3 days a week, daughter in ballet, son in karate, gym membership, etc. I don't know their situation, which is why I didn't chat with them about it, but it got me thinking about what WE would do.

E and I have enough saved up to supplement us with his income for 8 months. But, I can guarantee that we would not be living the same way in those 8 mths (if we needed that long). Sorry, Olivia, but you'd be out of ballet...and both of you kiddos would be yanked out of preschool. I'd definitely be trying to pick up more hours at work. I think that we could definitely stretch those 8 mths into several more by cutting back on those things and others like eating out and movie rentals, etc. Maybe its E's personality rubbing onto me, maybe its our old financial peace class giving me perspective, I'm not sure.

Anyway, it just gave me something to think about last night... Unfortunately, it COULD happen to any of us. Its happening all of the time lately.

Holy smokers!

I had 6 follicles today. 6! 4 on my right side and 2 on my left. However, the nurse said that I would probably only ovulate 3 of them (which were all on the right). One was 18mm, one was 17 mm and one that was 16 or 15, (I can't remember). The remaining one on the right and the two on my left were under 10mm- so not developed enough to ovulate.

Expecting a call today about what to do- which day the dr. thinks I'll ovulate, if I should use OPK's this cycle, etc.

Wine=Good loving

Lets just say, I'm hoping to start this month's trying with a little finesse. I'm sick of just "getting it over with", even though sometimes that's what I really want. I want it to be fun, enjoyable- the way its suppose to be.

To get me in good spirits I'm doing a few things today. I first finished reading Breaking Dawn...again. The last two pages of that book get me teary-eyed every time. I just love Edward and Bella (well, mostly I wish I could BE Bella. lol) I also watched the trailer to Twilight. *swoon*

Secondly, I'll be enjoying a nice big glass of wine. Ahhhhh..... Maybe a bubble bath, too. Wait. no. that's my recipe for sleep. My friends tell me I need to drink past the sleepiness to get to the fun part. (Good advice from good friends, *cough* Devan. *cough*) Well, past the point of sleepiness anyway. I seem to be more, um...ahem, willing with a few glasses in me.

Thirdly, I'll be trying extra hard to enjoy myself. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I'm going to pretend that we aren't "doing our homework" and that we don't have just a job to do.

Lastly, did I mention the wine? lol

Say "no" to drugs!

Yay! My last dose of clomid was last night. I'm so glad to be done with it for this month. I was relieved that my symptoms were not the same as last month (I really was VERY mean, irritable, and emotional) but it came with other symptoms that were much worse.

The dizziness actually took me by surprise. I didn't really encounter that last month. I realize that it says "may cause dizziness" right on the prescription bottle, but I thought it was just a thing that might happen. I didn't think it effected me like that because I didn't notice it last month.

I was so dizzy every night after taking it, that I got sick to my tummy. Then, couldn't sleep. When I finally did fall asleep, I'd have night sweats. Hot flashes SUCK! Menopause should be a gas!

So, no more meds, no more sweats! No more awful dizz-i-ness!

A new year!

100 mg of Clomid isn't being too horrible, yet. I woke up with a headache yesterday, but nothing serious. Hot flashes are pretty bad, but do-able. Mood-swings- well, you'd have to ask Eric about that. :)

Here's to hoping for a great new year, full of pregnancy and baby. :)

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We went to a dear friend's house last night for New Year's Eve. We had a wonderful time! (Well, I'm not entirely sure about Eric- I didn't ask, but I did.) The kids did whatever the heck they wanted, (Devan- I hope that we didn't leave your house too messy and broken. I feel horrible about the Styrofoam being all over the place.) while the dad's watched football and the mommys drank some wine. That wine was much needed, let me tell you. I left blissfully happy, and it felt good.

Thanks for a wonderful night, Devan!