It was hard for me to wake up today. Hard for me to release my dreams, (which, thankfully, had nothing to do with babies or pregnancy) and enter reality. Those few hours of release from my constant thoughts, prayers, tears, and turmoil were sweet bliss. (I can now see why people who are depressed want to sleep all of the time. You don't have to think!)
I talked to my mom yesterday about the whole deal. I don't know why, but its so much easier for me to type out what's happening then to actually say it. I can hardly talk about it with out crying. Anyway, she said that she's mad at the devil. That he keeps stealing, killing, and destroying. (if this says anything about my mom, she very rarely gets angry!)
While I know in my head that that is the truth, I find myself angry with God. Angry that he isn't stepping in and doing what only HE can do. I love God, and will always love him. But, I'm so hurt and confused by my circumstances. I, obviously, cannot see the big picture here. I'm stuck in my valley and cannot see a way out!
I have no witty way to end this entry. Simply because I don't feel like thinking about it. We're off to teach our first Financial Peace class today- put on a happy face and pretend like nothing's wrong.
6 comments:
((HUGS)) I'm sorry, Tracy. I sure hope Monday brings you some wonderful news! I'm thinking of you!
Oh, Tracy... please know that the Devil does not have the power of taking life or giving life. For some truly unknown and painful reason, God has allowed these losses to happen. In the book of Job in the Bible, Satan had to ask God before he could strike Job with affliction. God allowed it so that He could prove Job's devotion to him. I struggle with this as well.
I don't think you're being punished or that it's the devil. It's life. It's bittersweet and heartbreaking and wonderful and we're only in this world for so long. I am thinking of you and I am sorry for your pain.
(((hugs))) I'm praying so hard for your lil bean Tracy
I definitely don't think I'm being punished or anything. I know its life. But, its just that thought of God being the father that gets me. Its hard for me to understand, as a parent, watching your child suffer over and over again. I know there is something there that God will teach me through it all, but I still don't understand it. It still sucks.
((hug))
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