Update:

So, I'm off to Kroger to fill my perscription. I'll be taking the entire amount of Clomid this round. Should be super-duper fun! I had horrible mood swings with the half dose...

Someone pray for Eric.

Reflecting

There are so many things in life that you can make plans for. Eating out, going to church, vacations, babies, buying a new house, etc. But, how many of those things are really in our control? If your child gets sick, do you still go out to eat or to church? If you loose your job, do you still buy the bigger house or go on a vacation? And, if you can't get pregnant, do you still physically have a baby?

Plans are broken all of the time. For someone like me, its okay most of the time. I mean, I go with the flow if my kid is sick and we can't go to dinner. I go with the flow if it turns out we can't go on vacation. I'm bummed, sure, but its something you just move on with.

But, it seems, I just can't move past wanting another child. I really want to be "content" with what I have, so that I can live with joy and peace. I want to be okay with only 2 children, just in case, but I don't know if that will ever happen. There's just this hole that pesters and tugs at times of joy and happiness. It threatens to overwhelm me and swallow me. Most of the time, I don't let it.

I just want to be completely happy, not fighting the sadness all of the time.

No need to test

I started spotting last night. I'm hoping I can hold off full flow until tomorrow. Otherwise, I won't be able to get into the dr. before CD5 and won't be able to take Clomid this next month.
I'm also pretty confident I have some kind of stomach bug. I was SO sick last night. Two seconds from throwing up.

___________________________________________

Back to my brother:
well, he's home! They had to put him in a level 1 trauma, I guess, because it was a puncture wound to the neck! He had to have a CAT scan and a few other things. He still has to see someone next week to make sure it didn't slice part of the artery. The bottom wound was 1 inch deep!

The Great Dane's owners are putting their dog down. Its such a big dog and could do it to anyone. Daniel had actually seen and been around this dog before, so he wasn't unfamiliar. I feel badly for the family. What a horrible decision to have to make on Christmas Eve.

here's a picture:

Whew

Little brother is okay, though he is on his way to the hospital. He was at a friend's house and got bit in the neck by their great dane. Apparently it took a chunk out and he needs medical attention...

Stinking nervous!

Ack! I'm freaking out about testing tomorrow! I'm so nervous that my "symptoms" are just coincidences again. It happens sometimes that my acid reflux acts up when I'm stressed, thus causing me to get sick to my tummy.

sorry, have to stop mid-post. LIttle bro is on his way to the hospital. not sure why....

We made it

We made it to Michigan yesterday afternoon. Surprisingly, overall drive time was 10 hrs 15 minutes! Oh the joy of spending the night! It makes things so much easier! We only stopped once on sunday (in addition to the hotel), and we didn't stop at all yesterday.

We had the extra motivation of the frigid cold awaiting us outside if we did decide to get out of the car. I think we may have decided to stop a few more times if it wasn't for the 1 degree temperature reading on our car's thermometer. (burr!) It was wicked cold! When we stopped at the hotel, the wind was blowing like crazy and the thermometer said 1 degree. Eric tried to take a picture of it, but our camera batteries were dead. Of course, our coats (the kids and mine) were packed way underneath everything in the trunk, so we had to make due with some blankets to cover up for the run into the hotel. We survived.

Today's agenda includes going to the store to buy diapers (Austin has diarrhea from his antibiotic. *sigh*) and a sled. Then, hopefully sledding! I'd really rather send the children with my parents or my brother, have them video tape it, and watch it on the couch drinking hot coffee or cocoa. But, alas, we'll be going, too. Minus snow pants and boots- I may come back with less toes than I started with.

______________________________________________________________




In TTC news, my temperature spiked today. Its hard to know if its because I'm at a new place, with different heat settings or what. If anything, though, I was expecting a lower temperature because we're staying in the basement. Its pretty cold down there.

I'm still shooting for a Christmas day testing...

More pictures

We leave today after church to make our drive to Michigan. Wish us luck!
But, before we leave, here are some more pictures from yesterday.

Results

I sit here typing in my "happy place." I just downloaded the Twilight Soundtrack to my brand new MP3 player that my awesome husband bought me for Christmas. I'm in my happy place- listening to my new music, reminded of my favorite book series to date.

I'm glad I've found a happy place today. I did end up testing (after about 15 minutes of laying in bed praying about it, oddly enough.) It was negative. I was certainly bummed. There's always that little bit in the back of my head that thinks that dreams are somehow correlative to reality. Unfortunately, they weren't this time.

I still managed to have a happy and fulfilled day. We spent the morning with my ILs doing our Christmas before we leave for Michigan. The kids had a blast, everyone loved their gifts (I think there's only 1 return this year out of all of us! a shocking first!) and we had a delicious breakfast and lunch. Until this very moment that I sit here typing, I never once thought of the baby that we should have with us, opening his/her gifts, clapping their little hands in celebration. Even though I *did* end up thinking of it, I'm glad I'm able to escape to the music in my head (via headphones). I'm escaping to my happy place.


some pictures from today:

To test or not to test

I'm debating on whether or not I should test tomorrow morning. I had that dream this month that I took a test 10 dpo and it came back blaring positive. That day would be tomorrow. I had another dream a few days ago that I took two tests and they were both positive.

I don't want to waste a test, but I almost want to test tomorrow because of my dream. I don't know what to do....

Blessed

That's how I felt last night. You know when you think you're giving someone a really great gift, you get all excited about giving it to them. You think you are doing such a cool thing, they;re going to love it, etc. Then they end up giving you a gift that is about 10 times BETTER than you gave? you end up feeling like a schmuck, but then feel really blessed. Do you know the feeling?

Well, I took some of Olivia's unused old clothes (or ones that still don't fit in the waist) to a friend. She has to little kids, 10 mths apart (that, alone, makes me feel blessed that mine are only 16 mths apart instead of 10) A little girl who is almost 2, and a little boy who is 1. I thought I was being nice, giving some things that I was going to keep for the next child. Cute things. A new pair of jeans that Olivia will probably never fit into in the waist before she outgrows the length, jammies that she's still wears but just barely fits, etc. Anyway, I was just giving her what I COULD give, since Olivia is in the same size as her almost-2-year old.

I was feeling like I was going to bless her with these clothes. Little did I know that I was going to get an even bigger blessing. Turns out, her and her husband are finished having children. They were looking to get rid of some car seats, strollers, swings, bouncy seats, etc. they basically had two of everything- since her oldest was still a baby when the second came along. We got to talking and she offered me her stroller/car seat combo. (I mentioned that we had to get rid of our car seat because it expired and the stroller had long been recalled and was now scrap parts somewhere) I thought it was going to be older, used, perhaps by someone other than her. But, we don't have it and I thought "what they hey" and said we'd take it.

Well, I was blessed. Its less than 2 yrs old. A Graco, and is really uber cool colors (teal-ish blue and brown!) It looks brand new, hardly used at all. The entire drive home I just couldn't get over the feeling of being loved. By her and by God. Just feeling like maybe I would someday actually have a baby to put in this car seat sitting beside me. I started to feel a little hope that things would work out okay. I'm loved.

Another dream

I've been absorbing myself in Twilight so much lately that my dreams have mostly consisted of vampire stuff. However, last night, I had another dream about taking pregnancy tests. In my dream, there was a II test that was blue and one that was pink. Both were positive.

Hopefully my subconscious knows something I don't.

My charts

There have been a few requests about posting my chart link. Here it is!
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/18d653

I'll have to figure out a way to permanently post it, I suppose. But, this will have to do for now.

Things are rather quiet on the TTC front I suppose. Just waiting. Always a ton of fun doing that. I called the RE yesterday to figure out what to do in either situation while I'm away (either starting my period or getting that lovely positive test!) I actually was surprised by the answer. Apparently, my RE doesn't let you take Clomid or any other medication until they have done a baseline scan and blood work-up. Every month. It seems so weird to me. Most of my friends who have taken fertility medication didn't have ANY monitoring. So if I DO start my period, I'm praying it isn't until Christmas day or later. I can only start the medication as late as cycle day 5. Which, if I start on Christmas or before, it will be too late by the time we get back. Grrrr. So frustrating. The nurse warned me NOT to take the medication on the sly, either. She said that the dr. would not be very happy. (Not that I was thinking that....not at all....)
______________________________________________________________________



It always seems, no matter how hard I try to KISS (keep it simple, stupid!) the month of December, it always is crazy. I feel like there's a never-ending to-do list. One that just keeps getting longer and longer and longer. I even pass on the things I don't "have to" do and try to just focus on my things that I DO have to do. It doesn't help that Eric's birthday is so conveniently positioned so close to Christmas. I mean, who doesn't want to take a break making Christmas goodies for preschool teachers, friends, neighbors, relatives, etc to bake birthday goodies? I mean, no one can really ever get enough baking. (well, the sampling is good, I suppose...)

In keeping with my craziness, I have reserved today as official "packing day" for our trip to Michigan. We aren't actually leaving until Sunday, but today is my only "free" day before then. Crazy, right? Here's a list of things we have to do BEFORE we leave!

• Pack for our trip
• occupy the children
• hair cuts for 3 members of the household
• occupy the children
• find business card for hairdresser to schedule said hair cuts
• occupy the children
• Take Olivia to ballet and tap
• occupy the children
• take Olivia on a play date (which, hopefully, will someday lead to me dropping her off for a play date instead of me staying with her. So, totally worth it!)
• occupy the children
• Keep the kids out of the Christmas presents
• occupy the children
• do the dishes
• occupy the children
• do the laundry
• occupy the children
• change the bedsheets
• occupy the children
• Get a few final cards out in the mail
• occupy the children
• get groceries for our trip

Well, I'm making my list, and checking it twice!

Happy 28!

Yesterday was E's 28th birthday. Its insane that I can clearly remember his 18th birthday. Its a VERY vivid memory, actually. His 18th birthday was his first birthday that we celebrated together. (we started dating in March....) It seems weird to me that he's (only him, not me! lol) a whole 10 years older than that memory.



We used to think that turning 30 was going to be hard because that was "old". However, as he (that's right, not WE) gets closer, we've decided that maybe 40 will be hard because that will be "old". We were just mistaken about 30 being old. We were missing perspective.



Anyway, we had a lovely day. We went out to eat at Logans. The kids were wonderful, which was a shock to us all. They must have consciously tried to be good for Eric's birthday dinner. :) We came home and did presents, then had birthday bread. What's birthday bread you ask? Its a bread that Eric wanted me to make in place of birthday cake: pumpkin cheesecake swirl bread. Its impossibly complicated, takes forever to prepare and cook, is expensive, and only makes an appearance about once a year- right around now.



With out further explanation- here it is:

Stupid FF

I think something's seriously messed up with Fertility Friend. They have me ovulating on CD 17. I definitely think I o'd on cd 15 or 16. I am not sure why they are forcing my O date. I normally agree 100% with their dates. Not this time around. *sigh* Oh well. It doesn't really change too much. It would just make Christmas day a more reliable test date.

Totally loving this song

Yesterday, as I searched for over an hour trying to find the perfect new ring tone, I came across this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8IyZ1sfr5g Its in one of the final scenes of the movie Twilight. (no, I didn't use this as my ringer.... only because I couldn't find it. ) I'm completely in love with this song. I'm not sure why. That scene was okay in the movie, but I just love the way it flows and sounds. *sigh*

Here's the one I uploaded as my ring tone. Only the guitar part. I tried to get the part with the words, but they came out all jumbled on my phone....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0Qc7WWjtPk


I know, Twilight is a sickness...

shoot up!

My temperature definitely shot up today. Yay! Now comes the waiting. I'm always super good at that (read the sarcasm there!) Unfortunately, since I ovulated a little later than they thought I would, I will be taking those darn pee sticks WITH me to Michigan. Maybe I'll actually wait to take them on Christmas. (yes, you read the plural right: them. ) That would put me somewhere around 15 days past ovulation. Ha! Never mind. As I sit here and type that I KNOW I can't actually wait that long. (hey, at least I'm admitting my shortcomings!)

Today is hopefull

I've been having ovulation type pains today. Yay! However, they are pretty darn strong. On both sides!!! Can be good and bad I suppose. Good, since the odds of one getting fertilized is doubled...

However, I'm now pretty bummed that i didn't ovulate a few days ago. Now, I'll have to take the pregnancy tests with me to Michigan. Maybe it'll keep me from taking so many, or taking them to early. Maybe....


Other news: Austin seems to have recovered from his stomach bug, as did Eric. Eric actually missed 2 days of work. That's almost unheard of around here. He was going to go back to work yesterday afternoon. However, I came home from Costco and mentioned that he looked a little like a vampire (very pale and purple circles under his eyes) and he decided that he should wait until today to go in. No reason to scare his employers or employees. (now I am calling him MY Edward. lol)

I finished Breaking Dawn again last night. Gosh, I love that book. I think this time around, its my favorite of the bunch (Eclipse was my favorite the first time.) The last two pages of that book are divine! I think I reread them 4 or 5 times. *sigh* Now, I have to decide if I'm going to start a new book, or reread them again. lol. I probably should branch out a little bit. I've been dreaming of vampires too much lately. Maybe I'll shoot for a mystery or something...

I hate OPKs

Why is it that only name brand OPKs ever seem to work for me? Its so frustrating! Me, Queen of off-brand-find-a-deal, HAS to use a name brand. I hate it! I mean, I don't mind using name brand spaghetti sauce- because its only 20 cents more. But, danggit, these tests are like $5 more!!

As I'm sure you have guessed, I decided to give the cheapies a try again. Not internet cheapies, but some from publix. They were way cheaper and came with a pregnancy test. They take forever for lines to even appear. The first one I took, I actually thought I was going to have to pee on it again!!! Plus, I can't see a lightening or darkening of the lines at all. They all look the same! *sigh*

As of right now- no positive OPK. Though, i feel like something may be starting. I thought with my follicle size that I would ovulate sometime this weekend, or monday. That was the dr.'s guess, too. However, I'm pretty darn sure that I'll at least have some O pains. I had some wicked ones with Femara, so I'm sure I'll have at least SOMETHING with Clomid.

In other news, the pukies are going around our house. Which makes doing our homework well, a little harder to complete. Austin seems to be feeling okay this morning. A little grumpy. I'm just hoping to keep it to Eric and Austin. I really don't want to get it. I dont' get sick days.

I should keep pretty busy the next few days. I have several tutus to make, some baby legs to sew, and some shopping for the said items. Yay for preschool day tomorrow!

oh!

I forgot to add about my strange dream last night. Some of you might appreciate this. :)

I had a dream that I took a pregnancy test 10 days past ovulation. It was not only positive, but it was BLARING positive.

The other funny thing in my dream was that it was 5 tests in one. *giggle* You could click it like a pen and it would change into a digital test, then a +/- , then a II test.

2 Follicles

Woot! I have two follicles ready! A 13mm one on my right side and a 15mm one on my left. The RE thinks that I should ovulate sometime this weekend. He said the twin chances DO go up now that I have 2 mature follies. Shhhh. We won't tell Eric. :)

Day 9

So- its been a rough few days. I don't know if its the Clomid, my parents visit, or my obsession with the Twilight series, but I've been extremely irritable. It sucks. Its not who I am, even during my period, but it seems to creep up so much in the last few days.

I have literally NO patience. In fact, I threw a hissy fit because O emtpied her cotton balls out onto the floor and took them apart. It was part of a school project, where you put a cotton ball on Santa's beard every day... Anyway, I was upset because we wouldn't be able to do the project together now since she ruined the cotton balls. Then I listened to myself. I was upset over cotton balls. Sheesh.

I guess the nice thing about the Twilight series is that I've been engrossed in that instead of ttc. Takes a little bit of pressure off. I'm in another world when I'm reading those books, and its nice to be out of reality for a bit... (Of course, now I'm rereading the series. back on book 2. I've only had the books a week tomorrow. :) ) Its nice to not always obsess about pee sticks or temperatures...

I suppose at some time this week I WILL have to think about ttc. Especially since we'll have homework to start. I go in on friday, December 5, for a follicle check. I did a clomid calculator and it said to expect ovulation between 12/6-12/11. I have a feeling it will be earlier rather than later. A lot is going on in there.... I can feel it. lol. We're starting homework tomorrow. Just in case. Of course, the books help in that area, too. <3 Nothing like thinking about Edward to get me in the mood. hehe

Medicated cycle

I called the RE's office to tell them that I started my period yesturday. The nurse asked if we talked about doing the medicated cycle. I said yes. So, they rushed me into the office this morning to do a scan. Everything's back to base line, so onward we go.



The RE decided to put me on a low dose of clomid. He just thinks that changing things up might be beneficial. We may have to up the dose later, but that's fine. I think the lower dose is better to begin with anyway. My body DOES ovulate, so I think the low dose should do its job.



The really nice benefit of clomid versus femara this cycle: generic! The Femara is quite expensive now that our prescription coverage has changed. Clomid comes in a generic which makes it only a $5 script.

Bummer

Blood test came back negative. *sigh* Unforunately, I haven't really started my period, either. So now, I'm just waiting. Again. If I don't start by monday, I have to go in. If I do start before then, I still have to go in next week to see what else needs to be done. I think that we are moving onto a medicated cycle.

I'm honestly sick of all of this crap about not knowing what's going on with my body, etc. I have never, ever spotted this long before. Its insane. The RE said that this could be my period (wouldn't that be fabulous!) and as long as the lining regenerates, then we're good. I don't care. As long as things get moving towards a fresh start.

Come on!

Dear Aunt Flow-
Seriously, just come already! Come or don't! make up your dang mind. Don't try to come a week early, then change your mind, the try to come again, then change your mind again. Its getting old. I'd really prefer if you didn't come for a visit for at least 9 mths. But, if you INSIST on coming this month- hurry up and get here. Don't dawdle. Just show up on time and leave when the visit is over. No lingering.

Sincerely,
Me

Negative mourning

Well, my temperature went back up this morning, so I thought "hey, I'll take a test". Big ole blaring "not pregnant" was the first thing I woke up to today. Not really the way I would like to start my day. *sigh*

Yesterday, when I was reading my bible, I came across a few verses about promises. Most of them were in reference to God's timing. His promises are fulfilled in HIS timing. Ouch. That's really not what I wanted to read. I read all of the verses about how God is faithful to keep his promises, which is wonderful! But, the thing that kept jumping out at me over and over and over and over again was that its HIS timing. Not mine. HIS.

Like I've said before, I've never been a patient person. I can't imagine waiting for years and years for a child- like Sarah and Abraham. I'm sure she had some major baggage after so many years of infertility. I just don't know if I could trust in a promise after that many years. (which, obviously, they didn't either- hence Ishmael)

Sometimes I get so discouraged. This stuff that is going on right now just doesn't make sense to me. Why I had to loose so many babies. Why I can't seem to stay pregnant. Why the dr.'s can't find anything wrong. Why its taking so long to have a 3rd child when the first two came so fast. Why everyone around me seems to get pregnant and stay pregnant so easily.


I guess those questions are just going to go on my list of questions to ask God when I get to heaven. Maybe then I'll understand why His timing isn't the same as mine.

:(

I really thought that this month was going to be THE month. *sigh* I'm feeling very down today. I started spotting a few days ago and today I started cramping a little bit. Not promising, since it feels just like when I'm about to start my period.

Bummer.

I definitely Ovulated

Its true! I ovulated on CD 14. The earliest I've ever ovulated since having Austin. Its amazing.

Although I'm excited, its a tad frustrating. This cycle was supposed to be a monitoring cycle. Watch and see what my body "normally" does. Its insane that on the one cycle they decide to watch, I actually have an "average" cycle. I mean, my normal is CD 20 or CD21! NOT cd 14. I'm sure the dr. thinks I'm nutso for going on and on about how short my luteul phase is. *sigh* oh well.

Anyway, everything looked good on u/s today. The nurse saw the corpus Luteum- which is what the follicle turns into. It sustains early pregnancy or absorbs back into the body depending on whether or not I'm pregnant. She had to look around for quiet a while. Apparently, it wasn't obvious. I had to remind her what ovary had the follicle last time, and she searched around there again and found it. My uterine lining was good. It measured 10mm. That number doesn't particularly mean anything to me...I'm new to all of this. But, she said it was good. They also called back this afternoon to tell me about my blood work. Progesterone was good, though I didn't ask for a number. No supplements needed. yay! She said that it definitely looks like I am right on with my calculated ovulation date.

Now, we just wait. If I don't get my period by next Wednesday, I'll go back in for a blood test. If I get a positive home pregnancy test before then, I have to go in, too. They may do daily injections of heprin (or something like heprin). we'll just have to wait and see.

Blood work

More blood work today! I'm going to try to get them to run a hcg test, too. Just because I think I actually DID ovulate on cd 14 and my temperature jumped up quite a bit today. They may just poo poo the idea, but it never hurts to try. :)

Waiting

By nature, I'm not a very patient person. I'd say on the list of good qualities I have, patience isn't on that list anywhere (unfortunately so). I always wanted to know what my christmas gifts were BEFORE Christmas. In fact, one year, I went looking for my birthday gifts because I couldn't stand the waiting and the suspense.

So I sit here, now in the 2 week wait, waiting. Trying to be patient. Not only patient to take a pregnancy test, but also just trying to wait on God. I'm trying to remember that everything is in his perfect timing.

I wanna win!!

http://www.grosgrainstore.com

Update

I had another RE appointment yesturday morning. They did a scan on my lining and measured my follicles to see where I am in my cycle.

Lining looked good for the cycle day I'm on. My right side had one mature follicle. It was 17 mm. She said anything over 15 is considered mature. She said that I'd probably ovulate soon.

So, strict instructions to do our homework every other day until I go back in for more blood work (november 17)

I'm not convinced that I WILL ovulate soon. The last time they did a scan, I had a 19 mm follicle (on the same side) and I didn't ovulate until a week later. Which is concerning to me.

We'll see, I guess. The 17ths blood work will show when and if I've ovulated.

Praying for a little "turkey" for Thanksgiving

Its amazing how I still had a little hope that I was pregnant yesterday, despite a negative pregnancy test AND a temperature drop. I just thought "maybe" it still could be. I have to wonder if most people feel that way...

Anyway, it turns out that I did start my period yesterday, so that moves us onto a new month. Guess what! My next period should arrive on Thanksgiving. I cant' think of a better day to take a pregnancy test. If its positive, hey, we can all celebrate as a family. If its negative, I'll have lots of company to keep me busy. :)

We went to the RE a few days ago. We're going to go ahead with monitoring an unmedicated cycle. Eric is still a little perturbed, but I think its important. I'll have an ultrasound and blood work tomorrow. The RE is going to check my uterine lining with the u/s and progesterone with the blood work. Then, day 12ish, we'll have another u/s to check ovaries and follicles. Then, day 21, we'll check progesterone again. I just hope that I have a "normal" for me cycle. That way he can see what my body normally does.

In other news, my dad told me yesterday that he had a dream back in June that I was going to have a baby on July 17. He seemed to think it was a God-dream. Who knows what year I'll have a baby in July, but I'm holding onto that promise. Heck, I'll hold onto the promise that I WILL have another baby. That's encouragement enough for me right now.

change of heart

I had typed a big long blog about how hard it was for me to put away the high chair. How the grief snuck up on me. It did. However, I've changed my mind. I'm blogging about why I'm excited.

I'm excited because I ovulated days earlier than "normal" which meant that we didn't have to dtd under pressure at my parents with all four of us sharing a room.

I'm excited because my parents believe in me.

I'm excited because my husband is coming home early today.

I'm excited because we get to spend a family day together tomorrow.

I'm excited that Austin stayed dry all day today.

I'm excited because my kidney pain seems to have gone away for now.

I'm excited because I have a wonderful looking chart. It may not pan out, but its nice to look at.
here:

Woo hoo!

I just got my first ever positive OPK. *happy dance* I've always ovulated, as evidence of my two children and numerous pregnancies. However, I've never had a positive OPK until today. My OB just said that some people don't get positives. She said about 10% of people who do ovulate won't show that they are on those tests.

Anyway- I am excited!

Peeing on sticks

Eric thinks I have a problem. He thinks I have an addiction to peeing on sticks. While I probably do have some sort of fettish, he has no idea what its like. :)

I started my OPK's yesturday. The RE officially said that we don't have to use them if we don't want. Eric took that to mean that we never had to use them and we didn't want to. Same thing with taking my temperature in the mornings. He keeps saying "what's the point?".

I guess it gives me a sense of control. Even though I have no real control of when my body ovulates, at least I'll know if it did, dang-it!

HSG results

My HSG went okay yesturday. It hurt. A lot more than the dr. led me to believe. They kept saying, "you'll feel some pressure". It was way more than that. It hurt. Plus, it didn't help that they had to do it 3 times. ugh.

Anyway- the dye, when they finally got it to go in the right spot, flowed freely through my left tube. After 3 times, they finally gave up trying to get it to go in my right. It didn't even go in at all, so I guess that made the RE comfortable with the results. he said it could be a spasm that was preventing it from going in. he said it was an odd place to find pathology and he doubted anything was wrong. He said typically when someone has a blockage in their tubes, the dye goes part way into the tubes. The dye didn;t go in at all. He also said that it looked like there was a "current" of dye. All of the dye they kept pushing, was basically gushing out the left side. He said they can't tell the dye which way to go when it gets in there. It takes the path of least reistance.

So, basically, no new news. He said my blood work came back, and everything looked normal. We got the green light to ttc again. We're still waiting to make sure that the chromosome test is covered by our insurance before Eric gets it done. the RE said that even if something showed up on Eric's end, that we would just be told to try to get pregnant on our own anyway. He said my losses look like "just one of those things that happens". he said it makes my prognosis that much better.

So, good that nothing is wrong, but frustrating to not have a reason.

Nervous

I'm nervous today. Anxious to hear what the dr. will say and if he will tell me anything during the proceedure. I hope I don't have to wait a few more weeks...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my HSG. I can't, for the life of me, remember what HSG stands for. ha! But, for those of you who don't know, its a proceedure where they push dye up into your uterus and tubes to check for blockages.

The dr. doesn't expect to find anything. He said "We're all assuming that these pregnancies have been in your uterus, but we don't know for sure. That's why we're doing the HSG. However, I'm pretty confident that there won't be any surprises". So basically, we're just doing the test to rule it out.

I have a friend who is currently going to this dr. The very first time she went, he said he thought he knew what her problem was and started on the road to "fix" her. I was pretty excited for that first appointment. However, I went in and felt like he had no answers for me. He had no real "plan" other than just testing, testing, and more testing. Not expecting to find anything of value, but testing just to make sure. I'm glad that we're covering all of the "could be's" but I wish there was something more concrete to say "aha, that's what it is!"

Anyway- I'm pretty nervous for tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to the whole shoving things up me and pushing dye in my uterus. I'm a little nervous about the cramping, too. Part of me hopes that they will find something and can just push a a little extra dye through and "fix" it. I know they probably won't, but it would be great if our problem could be fixed tomorrow. *sigh*

ugh.

I want a baby.

Good days

I'm thankful for good days. I think today will be a good day, (despite seeing a close friend with a baby born on my due date in April.) I have apple cider going on the stove, cookies in the oven, kettle corn in a bowl, and friends coming over to do crafts. I'm looking forward to fellowship and a housefull of kiddos. AND, I love fall!

The good days are so nice compared to bad. It seems like I go through cycles of good and bad days. A few days that are good, followed by a few days that are rough.

I don't have anything insightful to say except I'm glad today is a good day.

Normal

I have just been thinking how wonderful it is to have great friends. Its funny to me how friendships evolve. There are people who I don't really like or get along with at first. Maybe they rub me the wrong way, or their personalities are too different from mine. But, as I get to know them, they almost start to grow on me. Then, before you know it, I actually love them.

A particular friend like that has been a super big help to me lately with all of the m/c stuff. She lost her first husband,suddenly, while they were trying to get pregnant. She told me that she hated the sight of pregnant people. Hated walking into a mall and seeing them with their big bellies. (Thankfully, for me, seeing women who are much farther along don't bother me. Its the announcing that does it for me.) She also lost a baby a few months ago as well.

The greatest thing about this friend is that she gets it. I was rather quiet at a birthday party (for her daughter) the other day. She pulled me aside and simply said "whatever you're feeling, I can guarantee its normal. You may feel bad for feeling angry, but its completely normal. You're feelings are completely normal."

Sometimes, you just need to hear that you're normal. Sometimes the worst part about all of it is feeling bad for being mad instead of happy for others. Feeling like saying "hey, that should be MINE!" instead of "congratulations!" Sometimes I just feel like an awful person for thinking like that. Its so immature and not who I want to be. But, it also makes me feel so alone. Who wants to admit things like that to friends? Not many would understand or get it.

I'm glad to have her as a friend. She gets my "normal".

Faith

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see..." Hebrews 11:1

This verse used to be a comfort to me. Almost confirming my faith. However, during the process of my grieving, I went back and reread this passage. On the outset, it looks great. Sure, faith is what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Fabulous!

However, if you go on to read, the passage actually talks about how the great men of faith never saw what they hoped for or had faith in! This is what gets me! Abraham NEVER saw his "great nation". He just had to have faith that it would happen someday. I know from other scriptures in the bible that he doubted. Ishmael was proof that he tried to take things into his own hands. But, yet, the bible describes him as a great man of faith. What made him a man of faith? What qualities did he have?

I guess I've just been really thinking about the "faith" issue a lot. When I was in limbo with my last baby, not knowing if I was going to miscarry or if the baby was going to make it, I really felt like God was saying "have faith. its going to be okay". Its hard to understand why God told me that, when I obviously don't feel okay. Sure, life moves on. I don't sit and cry all of the time, and I still laugh, have fun, and do daily things. So, I guess, I AM okay. But, what I was supposed to have faith about didn't turn out okay. We still lost our baby.

My dad told me once that adversity and trials make us mature in our faith. Not to say that that is the reason for our trials, but that is what comes out of them. I guess its true. I can't say that I've ever really examined what faith really means until now. So I guess that's growth for you.

3 years, a year lost to loss

It occured to me this morning that if we got pregnant this month (and we kept it, which there is a huge chance that I wouldn't) that Austin and the next baby would be over 3 years apart.

Eric and I, when "planning" our family always wanted the kids closer together in age. Its crazy to think that the age difference between Austin and the next child will be almost double (or double depending on if we ever get to keep a baby) the age difference between Olivia and Austin. Its weird.

I guess it it just hit me this morning and it made me a little sad. Plans are plans. Just that. They aren't the past, they aren't the future. Plans are just the way I wanted it to be.